Volume 9, 4: Be Dyed in [email protected]???(4/6)
“I-I am not so young I need a wet nurse!”
Hafuri blushed and raised her voice, but the Tanuki smiled and said, “Oh, dear.” The Usuhiki Warashi joined in while shouting “kyah kyah” and started eating the tea cakes. She too may have been used to Hafuri after Goldmine Island and Hafuri scolded her a little when she started drinking the hot barley tea from the teacup Hafuri had reached for.
I also saw the Kura Bokko, Notabariko, and the other Usuhiki Warashi from the Goldmine Island inn gathered together.
“Wow. Being in the territory of a real Zashiki Warashi is making me nervous..”
“The red one and white one are both made by Hyakki Yakou. And then there’s the half-human one.”
“And I feel really overshadowed with that ‘kyah kyah’ girl acting like the representative of Usuhiki Warashi.”
The helpful Oomukade pushed on those three girls’ backs and they managed to join in.
The one-eyed Umbrella and Lantern must have decided Hafuri wasn’t that scary even if her emotions were a little rocky because they came out after observing from behind a sliding screen.
“It’s true she doesn’t seem that different from our master.”
“Nonsense! Hiro-sama is far cuter!”
That set a great wave in motion. The Keseran Pasaran, a white puffball said to bring good luck, floated over toward Hafuri and the Furutsubaki duo slowly inched closer.
It looked like things were going to be fine.
Then I heard the sound of a shifting panel overhead.
I looked up to find a square of the ceiling opening up and Marguerite the Australian Witch poked her head out.
“Jinnai Shinobu, could you hand me that duct tape? I need it.”
“Yeah, Westerners rely on crowbars and duct tape about as much as a knife and fork, don’t they?”
I grabbed the roll from the sunken hearth and Marguerite leaned further out. In fact, she crawled out so she hung upside down with just her feet caught on the edge of the square.
But..
“What’s this, Marguerite!? It looks like you have horns, wings, and a tail!”
“Oh, these?”
“And that’s one hell of a micro bikini! Man, it’s something else entirely when an authentic Westerner wears one!!”
“I guess you would care about that most.”
For some reason, the witch hat didn’t fall off even when she was upside down. And they must have been demonic parts because the blue fabric of the skin-tight gloves and knee socks was wriggling a little.
The exasperated sounding witch traced her index finger along the underside of the micro bikini top’s shoulder strap.
“I’ve temporarily fused with the Succubus to help the ritual go more smoothly.”
“Yahoo, master!” said the Succubus’s voice from somewhere. “If you miss me, just call for me. Your dreamtime partner is right here!”
“Well, her master contract is connected to you, but we added in a bypass to trick the contract. Demons don’t actually have physical bodies, but a Succubus is a rare exception. They have the power to construct their own body and we’re using that to hide her in my womb by-..”
“Hmm. Maybe it’s gravity doing it, but boobs have so much more impact when they’re upside down! And other than ‘that’ and I guess ‘that’ too, there aren’t many other poses that give you such a good view..”
“Are you even listening to me?”
“And did you say you messed with my demon contract? Succubus, this isn’t like opening a hole in the bottom of the bucket of my soul, is it!?”
“I wouldn’t screw up like that, master. It’s just sharing your senses a little. Oh, and your lifespan.”
“Hold up! Is there no going back on that!?”
“In some rare cases, it can fluctuate pretty wildly and end up something like a market crash.”
“Now you’re really scaring me!!”
I needed to calm myself down. And hadn’t she mentioned something about my senses?
“Nn.”
I tested it by touching my right ear and for some reason the upside down micro bikini woman gave a little jump. She pulled up her shoulder like something tickled and acted like she was holding something between her right shoulder and cheek. Yes, almost like someone had blown on her right ear.
“Oh?”
“Calm down, Jinnai Shinobu.”
“Ohhhh!? That means..what does that mean? What happens to Marguerite if I touch my own chest right now? I’m not doing anything to anyone, so there couldn’t be a problem, right? Because I’m not doing anything to anyone!!”
“..!!!???”
Marguerite trembled and blushed, but she squeezed her lips tightly shut to keep her voice from escaping.
Now, a question.
I had to calm down and think about this. Were my senses really linked with the blonde witch’s? Or was a silly boy getting all worked up on his own while he groped his own chest? Which was it!?
I figured the odds were 50% or greater that it was a lie. After all, this information came from a Western demon and lying was pretty much their job. And not the heartwarming and kind lies. They would heartlessly laugh at you afterwards.
“No,” said the Succubus’s voice. “Marguerite really is trying hard not to moan right now.”
“The entire point is that I can’t trust you. Here’s the tape.”
“Kh.”
The witch must have also enjoyed putting on deceptive acts because her shoulders trembled as she hesitantly took the roll of duct tape from me. Her breaths seemed strangely heated and seductive.
“Pant, pant. I thought I was prepared when I heard we would be mixing Eastern and Western, but the rules of the paranormal really do run on..well, it would be nice to call them rhymes, but it’s really more like puns.”
“Hm? Puns?”
“In Japanese, four sounds like death and nine sounds like suffering, so even adults will avoid those numbers. And Oni wear tiger striped loincloths because Oni are traditionally associated with the northeast, which is close to the direction associated with tigers. Power is more easily summoned by images simple enough for a child to understand, but you need to be careful because unintended associations can create new connections and allow the power to escape. It’s like how gathering water is easy but maintaining pure water is hard.”
“That does seem to be how it works. A lot of the legends about gaining eternal youth are based on wordplay. For example, there are apparently no religious rules behind the idea that eating soba at New Year’s helps you live a long life.”
“Have you seen those prayer charms for passing exams?”
“Crazy, isn’t it? But don’t worry. The Japanese know how silly it is. It’s like a special product for an annual winter festival.”
As we continued our chat(?), I heard a commotion from the living room.
Marguerite waved and ducked back into the attic, so I went to deal with the commotion.
The two red and white Zashiki Warashi were tilting their heads together in the living room.
I followed their gazes.
“How in the world did this happen?”
“Oh, papa.”
“I am Shisa. The Yuki Onna is in trouble.”
The Aoandon and Shisa spoke up as soon as they saw me.
As for the Yuki Onna..
“K-kyuuuuuuuuh..”
Why was she stuck on her back in the gap between the floor and the short-legged stand for the 50-inch flat screen TV?
I peeked on the other side which wasn’t cleaned often and had a lot of dust. I could see the Yuki Onna’s face and she looked about to pass out.
“We had to get behind the TV for the big renovation project, but she decided to climb below the TV stand because she didn’t want to move it.”
“And she got stuck?”
She must have struggled a lot on her own because her kimono had mostly come off of her lower body. While a kimono seemed to provide high defense, they didn’t have to move much for them to become entirely useless.
“Is it just me or have you gotten bigger, Yuki Onna!? Your size is completely off!”
“U-uuh.. That lazy Youkai distorted destiny, so I ran into some old friends.. Th-that got me fired up in a bad way, so my body ended up like this. That damage was like something from a tenth or twentieth year class reunion, so a child like you wouldn’t understand, Jinnai Shinobu.”
She was a little more sexy than usual.
It was possible she had gotten stuck because she wasn’t used to the size of her body.
“What should we do, papa?”
“Um, I take it from the state of her kimono that you already tried pulling her out by the legs.”
“I am Shisa. Her stomach or hips must be caught because she would not budge.”
“It’s my chest or butt!! I’ll kill you, you summer Youkai!!”
We could rescue her right away if we moved the TV stand, but I could understand why the Yuki Onna had wanted to avoid that. That proper method would be a huge pain. We would have to unhook the TV’s antenna cord, the power cord, the fiber optic wire for cable, and all the wiring for the DVR and game systems. Then we would have to move the equipment out of the way. Only then could we lift the TV stand.
So..
“Let’s leave rearranging the furniture as a last resort and go with the standards first. If we get her wet with detergent or something, she might slip right on out.”
“Heh. Eh heh heh. Jinnai Shinobu getting me wet!? Not bad. Yes, not bad at all! This is clearly an unnecessary detour set in place by the Bloodstained Zashiki Warashi, but I don’t even care!!”
That was when the perfect Youkai, a Nure Onna, showed up. She must have been tired from the work because she was wetting down her body at the sink in the kitchen adjacent to the living room.
When I explained the situation, the woman with wet hair (and see-through clothing) simply pointed to the TV stand with a troubled look.
I looked back over.
“Eh heh heh. Eh heh heh heh heh. I-if you like you could use salad dressing or a mysterious sticky liquid that falls into the ‘joke goods’ category. Eh heh heh heh heh..”
“Ahh.. Papa, I think the TV stand is starting to freeze. The gap below is probably entirely filled with ice. Throwing water on her would just freeze her in place even more.”
“Then what are we supposed to do?”
As I complained, I felt a tug on my sleeve.
Mei, the Zashiki Warashi in a white yukata, had silently approached at some point and she handed something to me.
It was a candle that had likely come from a disaster-preparedness bag.
“Ehh!? I kind of get using the fire element on the ice element, but isn’t a candle getting a little too kinky!?”
“(Jump!?) Eh!? A candle!? (Fidget fidget)”
The Yuki Onna struggled without knowing what was going on, but she had no way to resist while stuck there.
Perhaps because she too belonged to the candle element (?), the Aoandon tilted her head with her forehead horn glowing with its bluish-white phosphorescence.
“Huh? You’re not into that, papa? I thought for sure you’d be all for a chance to enjoy the Yuki Onna’s reactions.”
“Well, while I do want to sleep with as many women as possible, I can’t stand seeing a girl who honestly isn’t enjoying it. It’s a total turn off. But if she really wants to do it, then I’m prepared to do just about anything!!”
Yukari hit me for my honesty.
And she used her fist too! Aren’t girls supposed to slap you!?
“I am Shisa. So what do we do about the Yuki Onna? I feel bad for her like this.”
“..”
“Hm? What is it, Jinnai Shinobu? Why are you picking me up?”
“I-it can’t be..” said the Yuki Onna as she trembled on her back below the TV stand.
Yes.
“A candle might be a bit much, but rubbing a summer Youkai against her shouldn’t be as bad, right?”
“W-wait, Jinnai Shinobu!! That is a fatal combination, much like dropping a popsicle on the hot asphalt!”
“Ehh? The Shisa won’t work?”
“Yes, that’s right. He won’t work at all.”
“In that case.. Hey, Marguerite.”
“Eh?”
“Do something about this. Witches are pretty general-purpose, so you can handle any element right? Use some kind of fire magic.”
“How will that help!? If a candle was too much, why would you think fire itself would be fine!?”
“Ehhh? It’s magic, so won’t it just all gently melt away?”
“Let her roast you a little first if you think that!!”
As she hung upside-down from the attic with her wonderful micro bikini, Marguerite thought for a bit and held out a strange item that looked like a magnet on the tip of a red-painted plastic umbrella.
“It’s cliché, but summoning a Salamander might work. I’ll restrict the amount of the gathered element to keep it at the size of a chameleon.”
“Hee hee hee!! What is that licking at my calf!? That isn’t a dog or a cat! That’s the creepy sensation of a lizard!”
“Didn’t I say it was a Salamander?”
“I-isn’t there..isn’t there a better way of warming my body!? Oh, I know! You could wrap a string of Christmas lights around me like this and that to tie me up tight.”
“And how are we supposed to tie you up when you’re stuck under the TV stand?”
“I-I have a hint: how do young men and women warm each other up inside mountain cabins in the winter?”
“No, thank you. If I embraced something that’s fifty below zero, I’d freeze to death. Ask me again once you’re a little weaker.”
“No, not the toes. Why is this animal licking between my toes so thoroughly!?”
Oh, I think it’s working.
It was looking like I wouldn’t need to grab the Aoandon’s head and use her as a candle for the Yuki Onna. I had been worried her phosphorescence wasn’t really all that hot.
“Ah, ahh, ahhhhhh.. Jinnai Shinobu is attacking me with an animal. It’s the animal that is tormenting me, yet Jinnai Shinobu’s will is working through the animal.. H-how am I supposed to process these feelings? ..I-it’s too much!!”
As the weird orange-glowing lizard or chameleon played around with the Yuki Onna’s calf and toes, the frozen TV stand gradually thawed. At the same time, the Yuki Onna shrunk.
Once her usual bodylines were back, she slipped right out.
We had finally rescued her.
“Sigh.. That was extremely silly, but maybe we should see it as odd that we’re getting trapped by these silly things at this time of crisis. The Ver. 39’s curse is frightening indeed.”
“I feel like we’ve just started to blame her for everything unpleasant.”
“More importantly, papa, what do we do now?”
“?”
I tilted my head at the Aoandon’s question, so my far too well developed daughter clarified.
“For the big renovation project. We can’t move on until we finish behind the TV.”
“..”
We all turned toward the wet Yuki Onna.
She was the perfect size now and she would be slippery too since she was absolutely soaked.
“W-w-w-w-w-wait! Please don’t all push me at once! I just proved I don’t fit! Ah-ahhh!! Is this more of the Bloodstained Zashiki Warashi’s interference!? Mgyuhhh!?”
Part 8 (Hishigami Mai)
“Anyway.”
“What is it?”
historical
We were in a certain metropolitan area and I was a little chilly with just a jacket over my tank top and hot pants. The nature-loving Sunekosuri looked a little nauseous, so I started talking to distract him.
“Why are you still working for Hyakki Yakou? You found your wife Ohatsu, so you’ve returned your whole family to Gisuke. I don’t see any more reason to stick around.”
“I thought the same thing at first,” replied the Sunekosuri in my arms. “But when I started collecting my things, I felt reluctant to leave. I had finished everything I went there to do and there was nothing more of value for me to do there, but I was still hesitant. That’s when I realized that, while Ohatsu and Gisuke are important, that isn’t all that’s important.”
“Oh? So you found a new objective while working in this underground business?”
“I’m not sure. The era is going to change and Hyakki Yakou is going to run across all sorts of dangers, so they’ll want as much help as they can get. I just can’t bear to turn my back on Hafuri-sama and the others and leave on my own. My family is important and they need a peaceful life, but..but that isn’t all. I’m not just an accessory to my family.”
“Those are some dangerous words.”
“I know that. If Ohatsu heard me, she’d probably bite me for real. But I can’t just return to the peaceful world and abandon everyone I’ve fought alongside for so long. I want to remain their allies and I want to remain a part of Hyakki Yakou. I can’t lie about that.”
The stuffed animal changed the subject there.
“What about you, Mai-san?”
“Me? This is purely business for me. The young lady and the Ver. 40 apparently went to open a hole in Noukotsu Village, but they paid me a fair bit in advance. I’m only doing as much work as they paid for.”
“Even though the Japanese yen could be utterly worthless any day now?”
“..”
Oh, I see.
You’ve gotten some guts, Sunekosuri.
I carried my partner over to a tour bus with tinted windows parked on the side of a metropolitan road and I knocked on the door.
The Supplier who owned the special machine claimed it would let him survive even if an asteroid hit the earth and triggered an ice age, but now he was curled up in a corner of the giant vehicle.
“Mai-san, I screwed up. If I’d known this was going to happen, I wouldn’t have worked so hard to build something that could endure on earth. I would have built something that let me abandon the earth.”
“If you’re gonna go that far, wouldn’t it be faster to turn yourself into an octopus alien? I thoroughly modified my own body, so I could help you out.”
“Mai-san!!”
“Ah, don’t cling to me with tears and snot all over your face! I was joking! Just joking!!”
I did understand why the cowardly Supplier would be so afraid of the approaching extinction of mankind, though.
The Bloodstained Zashiki Warashi issue was ground zero, but the derivative moral hazards were nothing to sneeze at either. The commotion in the TV news, newspapers, and online news was only the tip of the iceberg. It had reached those of us in the underground businesses too.
Yes.
Underground businesses dealt in money as well.
It wasn’t generally known (in fact, the very existence of the businesses wasn’t), but the overall circulation of black money underwent changes too. That meant bubbles could form. Just like how the value of land and classic cars could skyrocket with no connection to the actual economy.
“So how are things going for you?”
“Probably the same as for you, Mai-san. Just looking at the requests I get makes me hate my life.”
“I figured as much. I’ve been getting more and more people approaching me without using any real middleman like they have a death wish or something.”
“Eh? Eh?”
The Sunekosuri seemed to feel left behind at my feet.
But I’m super nice, so I decided to help out the pretty Youkai.
“There have been a lot more requests to kill people. And the amount they’re paying keeps going up. Of course, there’s no real set price for underground jobs like theft and killing. It’s a world of market value and suggested value. But those have been jumping all over the place and we’ve entered an age where people buy a single burger with a stack of cash. Nothing good comes from giving idiots a ton of money!!”
“B-but aren’t you an agent that gets unofficial orders from Hyakki Yakou!? And they’re giving you jobs as casually as ordering a burger!?”
“Some want me to silence their nagging mama, some want me to attack a teammate so they can take the regular spot, and the list goes on. It’s like the price is skyrocketing while the value of the job is tanking. But if I don’t do anything, I bet some other assassin will show up to do it. After all, these jobs are far easier than attacking some strictly guarded VIP after investigating their transportation route and bodyguard arrangement. And they still pay plenty. Those other assassins are probably still cautious since these might be traps, but anyone can make a ton of money if they throw out their pride.”
The excessively high payments were probably stopping people for the time being.
People had a weakness for what they considered a fair price. For example, who would believe a 200 yen diamond was real? Before getting into the quality of the jewel, they would be blinded by the questionable price. The excessively high payments were the same. They would assume some ulterior motive and suspect something bad would happen to them when they showed up for the job.
But anyway.
Once the moral hazard burned through that normal suspicion, there would be no stopping it.
And did those amateurs innocently making requests like some kind of king realize that a client with no backbone could more easily make money by attacking them for everything they had than by actually doing the dangerous jobs? It was possible someone was already writing up a list.
“But that’s not the worst part.”
“Eh? Th-there’s more?”
The Sunekosuri trembled at the Supplier’s deep voice.
“The worst part is that the biggest increase isn’t in that kind of casual killing. Yes, yes. It’s been a while, since these jobs were coming in. And I thought I’d forgotten how the dark side of society could drag an individual’s heart into such awful places.”
“There’s a lot of another kind of job,” I nonchalantly explained. “Requests from cowardly people who want to be gently killed. It’s from people like politicians and presidents of major corporations. The country is still celebrating the greatest festival it will ever see, but those with real power understand that this is the end of the world. Those in control of the world have all thrown in the towel and are spending their personal fortunes on suicide. Pretty harsh, isn’t it?”
“..”
The Sunekosuri didn’t seem able to ask any more questions.
Or maybe he was afraid of getting any more answers.
As I wondered which it was, a call reached my satellite phone. He was persistent, I’ll give him that.
I hit the button to reject the call.
“A-are you sure, Mai-san?”
“It’s fine, it’s fine. Don’t worry.” I waved my hand dismissively. “It’s just a VIP of the Hishigami Group asking me to kill him. I don’t have time to deal with his pathetic complaining.”
The Sunekosuri shook violently, but it was hardly a surprise for the Supplier.
“Oh, so they’re doing that ‘aboveground’ too?”
“I take it that means the same thing’s happening ‘underground’?”
“Juunin Toiro, Meikyou Shisui, Shinshutsu Kibotsu..and well, all the elders from groups like that. Although they have to maintain appearances, so they send the request under a false name and through several intermediaries.”
That was why we were visiting him.
Although the Sunekosuri didn’t seem aware of it.
“So that means..?”
“Yes.” The Supplier nodded. “They’ve used some tricks to hide it from the normal routes, but a few high-ranking members of Hyakki Yakou have made requests too. They feel they can (in a way) trust you, so they want you to kill them as if putting them to sleep. How long is this going to last?”
Hmm.
If people on that level have thrown in the towel, it might just last until the end of the world.
Part 9 (Jinnai Shinobu)
The work ended up taking two to three days.
I had been worried my impatient dad and grampa would drive out all the freeloaders (or that the Ver. 39 would manipulate destiny in that way to stop us), but they somehow managed to restrain themselves.
That was partially because I persuaded them, but it also had to do with help from my Youkai-loving mom and gramma. Then again, this too was probably due to the power to manipulate destiny.
But not the Ver. 39’s.
I mean Zashiki Warashi Yukari’s.
The two powers were in conflict. It looked like comical Youkai getting into trouble, arguments over whether to let them stay or kick them out, and a small-scale fight to save my girlfriend, but the scales actually held the runaway credit rating agencies, the collapse of the government bond system, and a global panic covering the entire planet’s population of seven billion. That was just how much power the Ver. 39 had.
I couldn’t let the adorable appearance of the local events fool me.
I couldn’t let my guard down around these exhausting events.
What I had to fear most wasn’t a ferocious beast’s giant maw that could bite through steel and it wasn’t a genius criminal with a nightmarishly clever mind. It was that I couldn’t even reach the actual battleground. We were going to all this effort just to stand on that same field. We were walking on and on through the labyrinth and being pressed to give up on our own.
I had to keep going until the very, very end.
I had to save my girlfriend Yukari by freeing her from her bloodstained trait and from the Ver. 39’s power which would bring ruin to the world.
I couldn’t let myself leave those rails. No matter what.
So..
“Jinnai Shinobu!”
The Youkai may have been able to sense it better than a human like me.
The Package was complete.
The Aoandon called out to me from the side.
Either due to her experience in Hyakki Yakou or her senses as a half-Youkai, Hafuri picked up on something and shouted a warning.
“Hurry up and use this!! A great fluctuation is appearing! At this rate, you’ll have at most one chance at this!!”
I glanced at what she threw toward me and saw the kaleidoscope spinning through the air.
The Aoandon and Hafuri were unable to say more.
Or maybe my sense of time simply vanished. I heard a sharp sound. Mei, the Zashiki Warashi in a white yukata, had started glaring intently at me in a way she never had before. She had done something. She had used the Ver. 40. But for what? I already knew she wasn’t our enemy, so it must have been to protect me from something.
Even if I wanted to see what it was, I couldn’t even turn my head while engulfed in the field of stopped time.
The kaleidoscope flew extremely slowly through the air and I sensed some new footsteps.
A red form approached from the tea room.
It was my beloved girlfriend.
It was Yukari.
But something wasn’t right. The Good-for-Nothing Youkai stood just ten meters away. She hung her head a little in her red yukata, but it no longer had a flower pattern. Instead, it had human handprints. But not adult ones. The countless eerie handprints were of small children.
And it wasn’t just that she had changed into a new yukata. The handprints moved freely along the surface of the yukata as if tracing themselves along my girlfriend’s seductive bodylines. It was like a projection mapping on a building wall.
“W-->>