Adrian feels like drowning in deep, deep water.

It's cold and dark - like a huge empty void.

There is this dense mass of mist that is hauling in a dreary and bizarre sort of feel. There are distant voices and faint noises. There were a lot of movements for some time, but eventually, they all died down. In the end, there are only fills of emptiness and heavy silence.

Then, there are these vivid images that suddenly take form before him.

Adrian tries to figure out what they are rather than why they are there. He peers through each one of them until he is pierced by a great deal of reminiscing all of the sudden. Now, he has to rely on what he is feeling instead of what he thinks. If he were to deny their existence like what his brain was telling him to, they might vanish.

These are flashbacks of his past - is what his feeling telling him.

"Then, what is love should be about? Do I need to be of use all the time in order to be loved? Is love being determined by one's worth...?"

"When will you ever admit that you are only seeing someone else...?!"

"You don't look like you're from around here..."

"Hey, little fire head! What do you think you're doing...?!"

"If I'm shady, then you're nosy...!"

"Stop following me already...! You'll get yourself into trouble...!"

"Can't you see?! If I'm with you, there's no danger that can finish you off no matter how many they are...!"

The feeling is growing stronger and stronger.

Even though Adrian keeps telling himself that he can't remember these things at all, what is happening now is proving the opposite. They are there for a reason. It's all making him piece the puzzle together to see the bigger picture, but even when he is slowly getting into it, he remains numb and stiff for the whole ride.

And so, the only thing Adrian could really do in response was take them all in.

That is when things become clearer and clearer.

Indeed, these are his memories - ones that he didn't know he lost.

---historical

The ever prestigious and esteemed Millicent family may appear perfect in every side and angle that one will try to look from, but once the very inside is seen, it can be the most perfect view of an imperfect family.

Sure, there are the endless piles of wealth, their far-reaching fame, the overwhelming influence, and the honor and respect that others would always lavish on them. However, beyond those things, there is really nothing else to see. It's only the luxurious, upscale facade of a somber and lifeless household.

At a young age, Adrian is already aware of the kind of life that they are living - not just the facade, but its entirety.

He had grown up feeling restrained, dictated in every way, and thoroughly pressured. After all, he was the youngest member of the family at that time. He had a lot of catching up to do.

His family was there to guide him, and they had supported him. But then, there was still something that was lacking to a dauntingly great degree, and it turned out to be something that made him believe that there was no such thing as true love.

Everybody in his family does care, but nobody has cared enough.

They care about his manners and appearance. After all, he should always look presentable and dignified in front of everyone. They care about his future. Then again, he is a Millicent. They care about his skill and character development. And that is because they have to make him follow the track, conform in their values and perspectives, and obey their orders.

If it wasn't for his intelligence, talent, and ability to lead, Adrian would have been as good as a deadweight, and no one would care anymore - no one would pay the same amount of attention.

He had to be useful to be cared for at the very least.

'Then, what is love should be about? Do I need to be of use all the time in order to be loved? Is love being determined by one's worth...?' was what he kept wondering since day one.

'If that is what love all about, then I don't want it.'

Back then, Adrian wasn't close with any of his siblings on a personal level. They were the same as him - always busy with studying and preparing for their future even though what they should be doing at this age was playing with other children.

His parents, on the other hand, kept treating each other like strangers. They didn't love each other, and they rarely spent time together. It was an arranged marriage that they had no choice but to agree to.

Adrian spent the rest of his childhood studying by himself. He was frequently alone yet occupied with things like reading books and doing more advanced studying. But still, it was not all that bad.

After all, he had his kind-hearted grandmother by his side. She was his very first teacher and sole companion most of the time. With how sickly she was starting to become as she grew old, she could no longer work and help with their family business as much as she did when she was still vivacious and healthy.

Up until the time Adrian turned seventeen, he remained attached to his grandmother. That's why when her condition got worse and she had to stay indoors as much as possible, he decided to take his turn to visit her instead of having her come over all the time.

"Grandma Maruschca, are you there?"

That day, Adrian searched around the Donovan manor to meet Maruschca.

For some reason, there was some sort of grimness that was layering over the atmosphere inside the mansion when he arrived. He could even see it on the expressions of the houseworkers who welcomed him. But in the end, he chose not to pay much attention to it and simply went ahead. Considering how austere and strict his grandfather is, this kind of setting is reasonable somehow.

Adrian was expecting to see Maruschca inside her room at that time. However, what he did not expect was that she would not be alone there - and that the scene that would greet him was something he could never turn a blind eye on.

"When will you ever admit that you are only seeing someone else, Maruschca?!"

"Grisham, aren't we over this already?! I said I wasn't! Can't you see I'm too old for something like that?!"

"Age doesn't matter! You're still a woman, and you can still see another man-"

"You'd been like this since forever! When will you stop suspecting me?!"

"As long as you keep going out and leaving behind my back, I will always be suspicious!"

It was his grandfather, Grisham.

He is arguing with Maruschca.

Adrian doesn't often see them like this, but he is used to seeing them oddly strained whenever they are together. It's always as if there is this heavy burden that is weighing over them. While his parents are apathetic towards each other, his grandfather loves his grandmother - in a slightly not dearly way, albeit.

He would treat her like a wife, gift her all the time, and make her happy as much as he could. However, she didn't seem to be as affectionate as him. In fact, she wasn't at all. She never pushed him away, but she still kept her distance and tried to act uninterested. It's not hard to see that she didn't reciprocate his feelings in any way.

'So, this is what it's all about...' Adrian thought as he continued watching their argument.

'Grandma is cheating on Grandfather? What's more, she could still go outside? Did she go despite her sickness? Where? And why?'

It's the very first discovery that stirred something so huge and irrepressible within him - one that spurred him to take action instead of staying still and doing nothing.

---

A week after that eventful visit, Adrian decided to investigate and trail after Maruschca.

As stubborn as she was, she did not falter from those taunting words at all. She still went out despite her condition and the warnings of her husband. That made him more curious than ever.

Whoever she is going to meet is surely someone special and important, especially since she does not even visit her favorite grandson anymore. It made him jealous, but even more than that, he felt betrayed. If it did turn out that she was seeing someone else, he didn't know how he would respond.

Adrian cherishes Maruschca more than anyone can imagine, after all.

He doesn't want her to leave nor does he want to turn his back on her. He could not find it in himself to think badly of her. Then again, if she truly fell for some other man, he could not do anything about it. He never believed in that kind of love, so he would not understand.

Nevertheless, the revelation would certainly hurt him so much that he might not be able to recover from it any time soon after.

'At any rate, all of that would be answered today anyway, wouldn't they...?' Adrian thought as he put on his cap and hid the upper part of his face as much as possible.

'Let's just prepare until then.'

Disguised in a black hoodie and a pair of old jeans - an outfit that would not make anyone think that he was from the Millicent's or any distinguished family out there, he set out to spy on Maruschca. He even dyed his hair in light grey and wore contact lenses of the same color for this secret mission of his, which was something he never thought he would ever do in his whole life.

That's just how much of a big deal this thing is for Adrian.