Houses in Konoha were kind of odd, if I were honest with myself. Usually, they were either rectangular, cylindrical or were mixed by standing on top of each other like some weird Tower of Hanoi puzzle.

The quest site in particular was a three-story house, with duo rectangular stories sitting beneath a cylindrical floor. It was a fairly large house, clearly a mansion, though it was sequestered between buildings. Guess even the fairly rich can't get an inch of yard in a city Konoha.

Still, I was nervous. The shadows in the windows seemed to stretch out unnaturally in the corner of my eye, like ports into the realm of nightmares. Or perhaps to the realm of jump scares. I don't know which would be worse.

As we walked up to the door, Kakashi-sensei gave a semi-serious lecture as to why it was a terrible thing to declare that nothing could possibly go wrong. "The moment someone says that nothing could go wrong, the entire universe stands up, takes note and begins plotting to give you the most profound answer you have ever heard. It usually involved a body-count."

"I'm sorry, Kakashi-sensei," Nichiren seemed more confused than anything. "I didn't think that was a real thing. I mean, I've seen a couple movies where that was a thing, but I thought it was just something the writers would do to ironically foreshadow something bad happening later."

Wait, they have movies here? Oh yeah, they have movies here! Huh. I wonder how that works? Seals? Or is this world really an 'after the end' scenario? I haven't been able to tell so far. Probably should have read Shippuden, that would have answered that question. Probably.

Ah, well. Questions for later. I have a house to get devoured by.

"Logically, you would be right," Kakashi nodded. "However, some Shinobi, like Daisuke for instance, believe that asking that statement is either cursing future endeavors in the foreseeable future or an omen to signify something going wrong. There is no middle ground."

"I see," Nichiren frowned.

"So what do you think, Kakashi-sensei?" Hisako asked with a smile.

"I think," Kakashi answered levelly. "That while it sounds is superstitious nonsense, I've heard a lot of stories about someone saying something like that on a mission, then that mission going horribly wrong. So it would be a good idea to keep questions like that to yourself as you advance in your career, Nichiren. A lot of people believe in the 'what can go wrong?' curse."

"Hai, Sensei," Nichiren still looked confused and a little annoyed. Well, I know for a fact that you will be enlightened after this mission, sir!

"I still don't believe it," Hisako replied, looking up at the mansion. "Superstitions are just that: Superstitions. I don't think they have any actual merit in real life."

So will you.

"That's up to you," Kakashi shrugged, knocking on the door. "But ignore your sensei's advice at your own peril."

The door opened and standing in the frame was a man in formal attire, dark hair tied in a ponytail. His equally soulless, dark eyes swept over everyone to look for souls to-okay, that's complete exaggeration on my part. Must be the nerves.

"Ah hello," He said, bending into a perfect 90-degree bow. "You must be the Genin-team. I'm Nagahama Susumu, servant to Nakata Yasukazu."

"Good to meet you," Kakashi replied easily. "I'm Hatake Kakashi, and these are my students, Nakamura Nichiren, Shimoda Daisuke and Yamada Hisako."

We bowed and gave greetings in turn. He waved us inside and we followed him.

You know, that's funny how their names sound similar. Both family names start with an N and end with an A and the given names have a 'Su' syllable. Hehe, that's actually really funny.

He led us into the main room. The house was almost entirely empty, everything having been moved out to the next location already. The only thing left was a pack of cleaning supplies which were gathered in the center. Since I've moved multiple times myself in my past life, I was envious at how they most likely used storage scrolls to move everything.

Wait. Storage Scrolls.

Well, after this mission, I've got my next project, right next to explosive notes.

Assuming I don't get devoured by the cosmic horror around here, that is.

"Everything you'll need is right here," Susumu said, gesturing to the assorted cleaning supplies. "Nakata-sama has requested that you clean all the windows and window sills up in the high places, deal with the rats in the basement and clean the Master Bathroom."

"You need to contract a Genin-team to clean the Master Bathroom?" Hisako asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Indeed we do," Susumu replied with the faintest traces of a smirk. "Konoha has the finest Shinobi in the elemental countries. I'm sure you'll all do a fantastic job."

"Thank you, Susumu," Kakashi said. "Is there anything else."

"There is one other thing," Susumu answered. "Nakata-sama has requested that I purchase some things for him while I remain here. Please perform your duties while I'm gone and I will be back before the hour is up."

Uh-huh. He's leaving so he won't get caught in the crossfire while we're killing C'thulhu. That fiend!

Okay, so it's not just the fact that it's a supposed D-rank has its own named quest that's got me freaked out. It's the name. I'm mostly sure 'Upon a Midnight Darkly' is a reference to Edgar Allen Poe's old poem, The Raven. I don't remember the exact details, but I believe it was about a man whose soul was trapped beneath a raven's shadow.

That terrifies me because I've died once and I'm taking that as more-or-less objective proof that I have a soul and that it can get trapped, messed with, mangled or eaten. I don't wanna lose my soul, I like it too much!

"Have a pleasant trip, Nagahama-san," Kakashi bid him farewell as he left. Then he turned to us. Well, to Hisako and Nichiren. "Well, since none of you can perform Suiton jutsu, I will take care of the windows. Daisuke has experience with pest control, so he'll take care of the rats. That leaves the Master Bathroom for Hisako and Nichiren."

Quest Updated: Upon a Midnight Darkly.

Completed: Go to the Merchant's House

Clear the Basement of Rats.

"Oh come on!" Hisako had this hilarious, disgusted look on her face that almost made me snicker. "Do we really need to clean the bathroom?"

"Yes," Kakashi replied. "Because we were hired to clean the house and the bathroom is part of the house."

"Sounds completely logical," I added with a sagely nod.

"Oh shut up Daisuke," Hisako grumbled. "You wouldn't be saying that if you had to clean the toilet."

"Probably not," I agreed with another sagely nod of greater quality.

Basement's probably where the problem is, so I can hopefully take care of it quickly before anything truly problematic happens. I mean, it's not like this low-level (hopefully) quest can take out Sharingan Kakashi and then let me deal with the problem, right? That would be idiotically poor game design.

Granted, this isn't really the game I like to fashion this as.

"So, can we watch you do Suiton Jutsu before we enter no-man's land?" Nichiren asked with an eager smile. "Please?"

Kakashi hummed and thought it over. "Well, I guess you've all been reasonably well behaved over the past couple of weeks. So, sure. You can watch me clean the windows."

This should be good.

Kakashi handed us each one of the wooden pales sitting on the floor. "Go fill these up with water for me."

"Hai Sensei," We marched over to the kitchen and filled up the buckets at the kitchen sink. We brought them back, and at his direction filled them with soap. When the buckets were appropriately frothy and bubbly, we stood back.

Kakashi flipped through the hand seals too fast for me to track on purpose, I'm sure of it. "Suiton: Hiko Warupuru no Jutsu."

The soapy water rose from the buckets, swirling in the air like flying rings. On the east wall, three windows stretched from the floor to the roof of the second story and the flying whirlpools flew onto them, moving up and down the glass panes swiftly, bringing imminent doom to dust and smudge and leaving only sparkling clarity in their wake.

It was the most mundanely awesome thing I've ever seen.

When the windows on the walls were perfect, the flying water-rings lifted off of them and went up to the single, window port sitting above the middle window. It went in, spun around like a flushing toilet and then rings returned to the buckets, now visibly dirtier than before.

"Cool," I said, partially certain I was salivating.

"Thank you," Kakashi said, pulling out his book. "I'll get the rest later. Now go do your jobs."

Yes, I'm going down into the lair of some horrific beast or whatever by myself at my level. Sure.

"Could you come down there with me?" I asked sensei.

"If there's a problem, I'll be down there in a flash," Kakashi replied without even looking up from his book. "I promise nothing will happen to you."

"I just have this really bad feeling about what's down there," I pressed on. "I mean, I don't feel right about this mission in general, especially since Nichiren jinxed us and I don't want to get devoured by some soul-eating monstrosity."

Kakashi sighed and turned a page. "It's just a basement. You're not scouting the other side of a mountain range or some faraway place. I can keep an eye on all of you from here, I promise."

"Okay," I sighed. Stupid 4 Charisma.

I marched to the basement door and..you know what? Knowing if I failed checks or whatever would be pretty useful right now. I mean, if I failed a check, I'd still know that I failed and that's got to be useful, right?

I whipped out my black book, and switched the option from EXP to All. With that, I was ready to go down to the basement.

Inhale. Exhale.

The wooden stairs looked really creaky, so I walked along the wall down the stairs. No need to make any undue noise.

The cellar was just a large, concrete room, with several small windows letting in light from the upper edges of the walls. I could see spots of dirt outlining where shelves had sat for years. Possibly, they held sake but I don't if you are supposed to age sake like that. I was never a drinker..anyway.

Perception Check Success: 8/6.

+15 EXP.

1,125 until level 7.

Nice to see the goggles are putting in work. I saw several holes in the walls, and a little black blur zip its way back into its home. Alright, so far so good. No giant things which can drop me from 100 to 0 in the blink of an eye. I like this.

I dropped to the floor with a surprising amount of grace. Right, the boots. Okay, I feel a little bit better about my chances. My gear is helping a surprising amount. Actually, now that I think about it, this might be a good time to learn Iruka's Sonar Jutsu. See how many rats and other things are squirming around the walls.

So, I tucked my chakra into a ball and after some thinking and a couple of theoretical hand seals, snake and ram, specifically to try to tell the chakra to bounce back and come to me and release.

My chakra went out..and didn't come back.

Chakra Control Check Success: 100/30.

Ninjutsu Check Fail: 20/40.

Well, I guess that makes sense. I'd need a better handle on how hand seals affect jutsu. I picked Ram and Snake specifically because in the Zodiac those two symbolize being intuitive, which is what I was trying to do here: Intuit the location of the rats for their extermination.

Oh, yeah. I figured out a while ago that the Hand Seals are based on the Chinese Zodiac (or just the Zodiac, in this world). Knowing the Zodiac can help determine what effect Seals have on jutsu. I think. Though if my skill isn't enough, it isn't enough.

I'm sad.

"Uh, Daisuke?" Kakashi was suddenly standing behind me. "What did you just do?"

Just barely suppressing the jump when my sensei appeared right behind me. "Oh. Hey, Kakashi! I just had an idea for a jutsu that would let me find the rats."

Kakashi blinked. "Interesting. What did it do?"

"Well, in theory, the jutsu would send out a wave of chakra that would bounce back to me when it hits something, letting me know where it is," I said quickly.

"In theory, huh?" Kakashi asked, with a thoughtful nod. "I take it that it didn't work."

"It did not," I replied. "I'm not skilled enough at Ninjutsu."

Kakashi hummed to himself. "Well after this mission, I'm sure if you train, you'll get it eventually."

"Thanks Sensei," I replied, letting my head sink to hide my annoyance. After this mission implies that I won't get a game over. Which I undoubtedly will if I'm not careful. "Are you sure you don't want-?"

But he was gone.

Charisma Check Fail: 4/5.

Thanks, game.

With that, I got to work. I strode over to the nearest mouse hole and fed chakra strings inside. When I felt my chakra come in contact the rat, I violently jerked the things neck up, snapping it and ending its pathetic life.

I hate rats.

..

No EXP? Oh, fine. I guess a non-beefed up rat just isn't worth it.

I went to each of the others in sequence to repeat the same process. Bringing the trap to them is so much more efficient than just waiti-EW, RAT BABIES! KILL THEM KILL THEM KILL THEM!

Ahem.

A shadow fell over me and I nearly jumped out of my skin, rapidly twisting around with chakra in my fists, elbows, knees and feet, ready to kill someone.

Turns out, it was just a bird which landed in behind one of the windows and was casting a long shadow.

"Hehe," I said, relaxing with trembling limbs. "Hi."

Upon closer examination, I could see that the bird was, actually a raven.

Like in the poem.

That makes the bird the harbinger of doom.

Ah, crap.

Quest Update: Upon a Midnight Darkly

Completed: Clear the Basement of Rats.

Well, I'm going to go with Kakashi and stick with him for the rest of this quest. Maybe it'll turn into one of those 'reverse escort' mission type deals, like when you accompanied Liberty Prime in Fallout 3 to destroy the Enclave. Oh, that was one of the best moments of my gaming career. Watching a giant robot laser down all my foes before me was hilarious.

I noticed the bird fly away.

Well, time to go.

The ground shook beneath me and a sound like thunder pierced through the walls. My ears were ringing, the light pouring from the windows was blinding and I was unable to keep my balance through the sensory overload.

What just happened?

Oh, ow. My head hurts. Crippled? No. Just hurts.

Is everyone upstairs okay?

I ran up the stairs as fast as I could, only to find my path blocked by a collapsed wall. A Tsunade punch sent it flying in a rain-storm of pebbles. As the wind hit my face and I looked up at the towering, dark shape above me, my skin ran cold.

No..

The house above me no longer existed as it had been reduced to ash and dust. Towering above me was a giant mushroom cloud, the ash and smoke intermixed with the fire of the detonation to provide a scene that would haunt my nightmares for years to come, I was sure of it.

The sky was being blacked out by the soot, only the barest of sunlight eking through the clouds.

I started to laugh. A sad, maniacal laugh as I realized that Kakashi, Nichiren and Hisako were all dead because Konoha just got hit with a nuclear warhead from out of nowhere. Tears were falling from my eyes, even as I heard a Geiger counter going insane from standing even this close to a bomb site.

I needed to get out of here.

So I ran. I ran from the explosion, needing to seek shelter from the radiation.

I never thought Fallout would start to bleed into Naruto like this.

This.

I..just-just this.

This was a cruel joke.

I jumped up walls and across rooftops, running with everything I had to get away. I didn't want to end up dead. Or a ghoul, if that was even possible in this universe.

Then I saw him, in his classic orange track suit. Down on the road, on his hands and knees, trying to get away.

Naruto.

I dropped down and was immediately by his side.

"Naruto!" I shouted, rushing to his side. "D-don't worry! I'm going to get you out of here!"

Naruto's hair was starting to fall out and his flesh was red and practically bubbling and swelling even as new skin and muscle grew from the Kyuubi to regenerate what he lost. His face was sagging horribly and his eyes..his eyes looked haunted. "Daisuke?"

"I'm here, buddy!" I shouted, picking him up in a bridal carry. Got to get him away from the rads. Got to get him away. "I'm going to get you out of here."

The whites of his eyes were starting to darken. "You're here.."

"Of course I am!" I shouted at him. I coughed at the inhale full of smoke.

"..thank you," Naruto said, closing his eyes. His head lolled back and I felt his body go limp.

..no.

No, no, no.

This..you can't.

You can't do this.

This..why?

He's the main character!

You can't kill the main character!

Why?

Then I heard the sound of a speaker activating, a sound I haven't heard in so long. I looked up and saw..a giant blimp. An air-ship, with the bottom rigging detaching Vertibirds; helicopters with twin sets of blades at the end of their wings. They started to fly around Konoha.

That..that is the Prydwen.

"People of Konoha," The loud speaker sounded down to those on the ground. "Lay down your weapons and surrender immediately, or we will strike again."

I..they..but..I..

"We are," The voice on the speaker continued. "The Brotherhood of Steel."

..How?

No seriously. How? I think I would've heard about or seen a dimensional portal in the sky open and it would have had to have been up there for a while if they were able to gain at least enough intel to know what we were called.

What kind of surveillance equipment were they using, in order to gain that kind of knowledge? Have they figure out orbital satellites? I wonder..it doesn't matter.

I looked back down at Naruto and gently closed his eyes. "I'm sorry, my friend."

The whistle of bullets ripping into the air around me. The Vertibirds were raining death on us. Crap. Alright, we can deal with this.

I ducked into a dumpster to hide from the gunners. When they run out of ammo, or even before then, they'll put boots on the ground and I can pulp their brains worse than a raider with a power fist. Oh, it'll be like getting the bloody mess perk and it'll be awesome.

The wind picked up inexplicably and one of the birds descended. Knights in standard armor, which were basically plates worn over a standard uniform, wielding laser rifles and a Paladin, decked out in full T-60 Power Armor which in any other circumstance would be glorious to behold in real life. He was carrying a mini-gun and was already starting to spin it up.

And a 1, and a 2, and a BLOODY VENGENCE UPON YEEEE!

I jumped out of my dumpster and right before they even saw me, my hand went through metal and ceramic plating, hitting one of their grunts on the side of the head. My hand felt the warm mush of their brains and yeah. This man was dead.

I wonder, should I pulp Elder Maxon's head, assuming that's him up in the Prydwen, or mount it on a pike?

The Paladin turned to face me, whirling minigun blaring all the way-ultimate test, go!

I jumped over the spinning barrels and Tsunade Special'd my legs right through his torso. He exploded. It was glorious. So, wonderfully glorious. I landed on my hands and twisted around like a break dancer to jump up and punch another Kni-OW!

-35 HP.

Wow. Laser's hurt.

I caught a blast right in the arm, colliding with the Knight I jumped after and we both went down to the ground. I recovered first, and planted a fist through his face to the ground. I jumped over the second laser I knew was coming, twisted in the air and jumped at the final knight, fist in his throat, leaving the head and body to fall to the ground separately.

In the back of my mind, I knew I should feel disgusted at this. Even if it was in defense of my village and what I signed up for, I'd never killed anyone before. But with the nuclear ash in the sky, my longtime friend dead in a horrible way and how they attacked us without any provocation, I'm feelin' pretty good right now.

I wonder if I can-what the heck is that?

The ground shook to the rhythm of giant foot prints. The creak of metal that accompanied each step began to weigh on me as I came to the most horrid realization I've had in a while. I looked up and standing a block over, towering over the building in Konoha and against the ashen sky was the giant robot, Liberty Prime.

Oh no.

"Red Chinese internment camp detected," The Robot's voice boomed. "Weapons hot!"

IT'S NOT ANCHORAGE YOU STUPID ROBOT!

I ran in the opposite direction, keeping my eye on the thing as it took a nuclear warhead out of its backpack and chucked it at Hokage Rock. Another nuclear explosion occurred, annihilating every face and the installation beneath it.

That's where we would've kept our civilians.

That's probably where we did keep our civilians.

"Democracy is non-negotiable!" The Robot's voice boomed, soon accompanied by giant laser.

I came to another Vertibird, this one having already been jumped on by what looked like a Chunin. The last Knight alive was blasting at him with his laser gun, but the Chunin dodged around it easily, just about to sink the kunai he had right into the Brotherhood nut-jobs neck.

When the Knight swiftly dodged to the side and planted the Rifle's gun stock right in the Chunin's neck, sending him sprawling on the ground, dead.

..

..BULL$## %%#.

Perception Check Failed: 8/10.

Perception Check Failed: 8/9.

Perception Check Success: 8/8.

How did I not notice this before! I'm just in a Genjutsu! One designed to pull things from my subconscious and throw them at me in the form of awful nightmares. I am such. An idiot.

I brought my hands together. It's time to end this and to kill a butler.

The imaginary Knight brought his laser rifle to bear on me.

"Kai!"