No! No! Bad dog! Let go! Bad Santa's Little Helper! Stop! Not the sports section! Stupid dog! No! Stay away! This is not for you! This is Homer food! Time to get up, Lisa. It's a school day. Lisa, you don't look well. I'll make it, Mom. Just tape my lunch box to my hand. My, you're burning up. And your cheeks are so swollen. I think you have the mumps. I'll call Dr. Hibbert. -The dog is hungry. -Well, then, feed him. Yes, master. You're my best friend. You're my best friend. Hello, Dr. Hibbert? Not that I'm angry, but how did you get my home number? I see. Quite ingenious. I think Lisa has the mumps. Well, Mrs. Simpson I'd like to rely on your diagnosis, but it'd be derelict of me to do so. Let me check my schedule. No way, she's faking. If Lisa stays home, I stay home. -lf Bart stays home, I go to school. -Fine, then-- Wait. If Lisa goes to school, I go. But if she stays, I stay, so -Lisa goes to school. -Don't confuse him. -Have a nice day at school. -Get my homework. Homework? Lisa, you wasted chicken pox. Don't waste the mumps. -Bart-dude! -Hey, Otto-man! -Yo, hairy bro. -Go home, boy. Go home. Wandering mongrel. Get out of my mom-and-pop operation. -Hello? -This is Sylvia Winfield. Your canine is in my pool again. I'm calling the dog warden. Are you? You go ahead and call your precious dog warden, you old axe because my dog is tied up! There's only one family on Earth inconsiderate enough to let that monster roam free! Are you going deaf, or are you just stupid? I'll explain one more time, and then I'm going to hang up on you. It is not my dog! I tied my dog outside myself! I am looking at him right-- Well, how-doodlie-do. Getting some exercise? Good for you. Look at this rascal. He's a wet boy, isn't he? You're a water monster. Well, well, "Mr. Universe" takes a walk. "Mr. Universe, " I wish. Look at that get-up. Heavy hands, ankle weights, that's cute, and-- -Assassins! -You bet. They've got Velcro, a water pump, built-in odometer, and vanity plates. -How much? -Well, they're not giving them away. -But you've got to spoil yourself. -Yeah. My heart rate's dropping. Better skedaddle-y-do. -Discoloration of the glands. -Oh, dear. -Swelling of the parotids. -I knew it. Lisa has the mumps. You'll be missing a week of school. Oh, no. I don't want to fall behind my class. Such responsibility. What's your favorite subject? Arithmetic. Arithmetic. Before you know it, you'll be back among your polygons and your Euclidian algorithms. You get rest and have a lollipop. Hello? Hi, Lisa, what's wrong? The mumps? Oh, the kissing disease. My little girl is growing up. Yuck. Quit it, Dad. So, what does my little girl want? What? Let me write this down. Copies of Teen Dream, Teen Scream and Teen Steam magazine? Well, okay, you're the sickie. Goodbye, Lisa. Lenny, I need to leave. Cover for me. Hey, sure thing, Homer. Well, Lisa, here it is. The Bouvier family quilt. Wow, neat. It smells historic. For five generations, women in our family have added to it. Now it's your turn. -I don't know how. -You do, you just don't know it. The memory of a million drop stitches flows in your veins. -Very impressive. -You try it. You just need to develop a callous. You see? Now that's a sewing finger, honey. Oh, man, $2. 00? I'll take these three. -They're for my daughter. -Sure. Wise guy. Assassins! Oh, 125 bucks! Sometimes you've gotta spoil yourself. -But I can't-- -Simpson! -I order you to buy those shoes! -You're the boss! -This one's mine. -"Keep On Truckin' "? -What does that mean? -I didn't know then. I don't know now. Here's your stupid homework. Phonics, functions, vocabulary, remedial reading? Do your own homework, Bart! Your magazines. How many of these guys are Corey? Eight. Thanks, Dad. -Assassins! -Yep. Read 'em and weep. -Those are very elaborate. -They better be, for $125. -$125! -Bart! We agreed to consult before major purchases. You bought those smoke alarms, and we haven't had a single fire. A manhunt, or "woman-hunt", is on-- You know, yours is the only show I'll do. As an actor, my eyes need to look their whitest-- It's a penalty kick-- Shoelace. No! There seems to be a lot of good obedience schools here. School's your answer to everything. This one looks very reputable. Lovely. Have a toffee. Such a neat dog. Have at them. Well done. If I could borrow -"Satan's Little Helper. " -Santa's Little Helper. Ladies and gentlemen. You already know that with a little love any puppy will grow up to be a bundle of joy. Nonsense taught by charlatans and learned by bloody twits! I'll tell you the most important words you'll ever hear choke chain. Raise a dog the same as a child, with simple, authoritative commands. Lay down! Followed by immediate correction. How can we tell we're doing it right? The dog's eyes will cross, and his tongue will protrude slightly. Is my dog dead, ma'am? You don't know how often I'm asked that. They are always breathing. Jack, I think the baby might be yours. I'm sure it is. -But prove it. -You treat me like garbage. Because that's the way you love it, baby. Gee, is it always this good? I don't know. I just dip in and out. I'm only watching because Brandy knows the body is hidden in the boathouse. That dog! Bad dog! Don't worry, Snowball. Mom, what will we do if the dog doesn't learn anything? I don't know. -Father! I thought you were dead. -I was! There are two ways for a dog to relieve himself. One, like a friend. The other, like a hose without a fireman. Which way do you think that was? Like a hose, you wrinkled queen. I decided I don't want the shoes. What happened here? My dog was bringing me my shoes, and they fell apart in his mouth. Our warranty doesn't cover fire, theft or acts of dog. Big cookie. -Aloha. -Aloha. -Want a free sample? -The price is right. Macamademia nuts. If you'd like to buy, they're $1. So that's your little plan! Get us addicted, then jack up the price! Well, you win. Property of Homer J. Simpson. Hands off! Mom, I've finished my patch. It depicts the two greatest musical influences in my life. On the left is Mr. Largo, my music teacher. He taught that the noblest concerto can be drained of its beauty. On the right is Bleeding Gums Murphy. He taught me that music is a fire that comes out your mouth. So you better stick an instrument in front of it. And look. I want you to see what your sick little girl did. My quilt! Six generations, ruined! Now, Marge, honey come on, don't get upset. It's not the end of the world. We all loved that quilt. But you can't get too attached to-- My cookie! This is not happening! We're having a family meeting! We never did this before. We never had a family member we can give away. -What are you saying? -I'm saying-- No! You can't give my dog away! I'll set fire to my hair, rip my clothes! I've suffered at the paws of this dog but when I look into his vacant eyes, I can't bear to let him go. I'm sure Mom agrees with me. No, I'm afraid I agree with your father. You do? Please. It's not just the quilt. He's nice, but he chews everything. He's not even housebroken. We've spent money on training, with no improvement. All right. If he studies hard, passes finals, and becomes a perfect dog -can we keep him? -No! -Dad! -Dad! This is our pet. We can question his disposition, but we can't question his heart. Is the way to solve a problem with something you love to throw it away? If they're ever going to pull the plug on me, I want you in my corner. All right. If he passes, we can keep him. All right! See, boy? It's not so hard. Roll over. Roll over. Like this. Congratulations, you've earned a toffee. Thank you. You moldy old maid. Can't we place this ad after the dog fails his test? No, we have to commit to it. Now take this down: Free to loving home, world's smartest dog. Says "I love you" on command. Type. Now, sit! I said, sit! Take a walk. Sniff that other dog's butt. See? He does exactly what I say. We'd never give him away, but we're moving, and dogs are forbidden. Hear what? Oh, sure. Come here, boy! Put that prowler down and come here! Come on! Say "I love you" for the nice man. Good dog! Isn't that amazing? See you soon. You think your dogs know the "stay" command. Let's see if they can stay away from this beef Wellington. Now, stay. Stay, boy! Stay! Stay! He'd be happy at my farm. People think only mules can pull carts. Impatient people think that, patient people know better. You can take him tomorrow. Miss Winthrop, I was thinking. -Oh, dear. -Since you get paid either way would it be a big deal to just let my dog pass? I see. Rubber stamp, thank you, next in line. Is that it? -Yeah. -Heavens to murgatroid. Perhaps I cling to the old ways like a well-chewed shoe as the traditions I was weaned on are put to sleep, one by one. But my time has not passed yet! We do not need another college graduate who doesn't know how to sit! He'll sit! Come on, boy. Sit! Pull the chain! Correct the dog! -I don't want to strangle my dog. -Pull the bloody chain, boy! I'm sorry. You can't help being dumb. -What are you doing? -Sewing a new quilt. It's one thing to be a link in a chain. It's another to start one. This patch commemorates the destruction of the old quilt. Well, you certainly captured the moment. Come on, boy. Sit! Sit! -Sit! Oh, man. -Bart, he's not gonna learn it now. Don't spend your last hours together tormenting him. Have some fun. Frolic with him. Go get it, boy! I'm gonna miss you, boy. I thought we'd be pals forever. But we have to say goodbye because you don't understand a word I say. If you knew how to learn-- Sit. Wait a minute, you did it! Lay down. Shake hands. Stay! Speak! All right! Good boy! Roll over. You son of a bitch! Good show! All right!