The Empress dowager blinked then shakily said, "I want to be alone."

Song mama knit her brows and wanted to protest but the Empress dowager frowned at her and ordered, "Leave." So she hesitantly let her be and waited outside the doors, listening for any commotion.

The Empress dowager has been quite unstable recently. She always got angry whenever she met with the monks. Although she had become more controlled since the whipping incident and did not lash out like that anymore.?She thought she was finally getting better until a few weeks ago when she found the Empress dowager collapsed in her room after taking one of her own poisons.

The antidote was right in front of her but she did not take it and instead was bearing the pain to the extreme. She quickly administered the antidote and later asked her why she would attempt such a thing. The Empress dowager did not answer and just brushed her off and curled up on her bed and slept. Song mama sighed, she was understanding her less and less these days.

The Empress dowager closed her eyes and let out a shaky breath once she was alone.

{...Anger...that's what it said the last time too...}

The last time she heard it was the day that demon made himself Emperor. The day she found out about the fate of her country, about her family and what he had done. But she was not angry then, she was enraged.

{...He had destroyed our lives, he ruined everything!...I lost everything and you abandoned me in the aftermath! This was not me being jealous or unreasonable. He ruined my life! What else was I supposed to do?!...}

When all she received in return was silence, she became even more enraged.

{...Tell me!... How else could I have lived?! If not anger, how could I have survived?!... And now there's this too...Was this why? What does this all even mean?...}

For as long as she could remember the voice was always with her as a friend, a guardian and a teacher. It had been with her since she was a child, she grew up with it. She did not know its origin or anything and never thought to question her existence until she grew up enough and realized it was not normal to have it. But still, she did not mind, it was their secret and her best friend, and she?always felt reassured knowing it was there with her.

Since she was interested in it, it taught her about plants and herbs and any other topic she wanted to know. It was extremely knowledgeable and knew more than anyone she had ever met. It called itself a genius and called her one too for being a great student. They had a lot of fun times together.

She was not sure how but it may have even helped her with her marriage...or perhaps it just knew like always did what would happen.

Back then it had asked her if she liked anyone and she had told it about her secret crush on the handsome and kind Long Crown prince. It then replied, *In that case, it's easy*.

She was doubtful and thought it was just messing around like usual. But then a few months later, the proposal came and it proudly told her *I told you so*. She asked how but it responded, *It's none of your business*, it always said that when it did not want to talk about things. She had learned that no matter how much she prodded it would not speak about what it did not want to, so she let it go.

A few months later she got happily married and it told her she had to be happy and she was for a time.

He was the perfect husband, he loved her and she loved him, but he had others before her. Particularly, a side consort childhood friend that he could not neglect, and a few others he had to be kind too. Then she had thought he was too kind. he really seemed that way, which was why she fell for him in the first place.

But then things steadily got worse as the years progressed. He changed, she did not know how bad it really was until it was too late. Other women and eight years with no child put a major strain on their relationship. It became even more complicated as other women gave him the children she longed to give him, even a maid gave him one but she bore it all.

At that time, the voice always warned her to control her emotions, to curb her jealousy, to not get angry. She tried but how could she not feel any envy??How could she be happy when she had become a joke? How could she be happy when he constantly neglected her for other women, all the while claiming he loved her?

She had thought if she just had a child then it would fix everything. She tried all sorts of medicines, all sorts of painful methods, all in an effort to have a child for him.?She understood that he needed heirs and that she had failed to provide even one, so it was normal for him to look elsewhere. She understood but it still hurt. It was her fault he was changing, it was her fault their relationship was in turbulent waters and it was her fault for being inadequate.

She understood.

The voice told her not to worry and reassured her that hers will come. But after eight years, even that reassurance felt weak. Finally, it came, the child she had wanted, the child they had wanted so much and he returned having done that.

He ruined their lives.

She had been so excited waiting for his return to tell him their good news that she was finally pregnant. She was so excited for them to finally have a family together but then he came back with that.

She could not believe it and tried to deny it, it made no sense. He knew her brothers, knew her family. They loved him and he, she thought loved them back...or at least loved her. When she saw him and he told her that he did it for their own good, that it was better to stamp out the threat before it stamped them out. She realized he had gone mad and she felt mad herself and wildly attacked him while ignoring the voice which was screaming for her to control her anger. She wanted him dead and did not care for anything else at that time. She tried to end him until her sight faded.

Since that day she never heard from it again, she called and called but it never responded. It was the worst time of her life and it was gone. She had almost lost the baby too...and frankly, she did not want it anymore. It being in her made her feel nauseated and sick, it made her hate herself. She hated it and that demon, she wanted them both dead. And she tried to end the demon's spawn and almost killed herself trying.

And in retaliation, the demon made all her people to slaves and then threatened to have every single one of them killed if ever tried to kill herself again. Not that she was trying to die, she could not die until he died, but how could she kill him?

Later on, when she saw Eunuch Li for the first time, she felt a renewed sense of hope that her oldest brother might have survived. A ray of hope in her now bleak life. Only to have that hope dashed. By the time her brother had received the news, the Long army was almost upon them. It was too late.

Too late, so he was dead.

Her brother had ordered Eunuch Li to take his men and head for the mountains and cross into Dong territory, it was a treacherous route but some made it. She was distraught and had questioned why her brother did not follow along, he could have made it too, he was skilled enough. But she was being naive again. If her family was not all dead, that demon would not have been satisfied. Eunuch Li and his men were ordered to protect her and help her safeguard their people. And she got the order to live if she could, to remain at the demon's side if she could to safeguard their people.

But she had already made one mistake. And so she tried, she really tried. She tried to have the child she hated and tried to live with that hateful demon. Her family was gone, her country was gone, her supportive father-in-law was gone and her best friend, her guardian was gone. She was all alone.

Even after having the child, she did not want to look at it. The child she wanted so much, she could not stand now.

It took her a long time before she could even bear being in the same room as the baby, without feeling the urge to strangle him to death. The demon was happy but she was absolutely miserable, miserable but she had to smile. She had to keep him happy so her people could have a way out.?But then there were all those flashes of rage which had always ensured their relationship was always tense.

Now she realizes that it may be more than simple flashes of rage. A problem out of her control...and it honestly scared her a bit.

And so she remembered this old friend who knew her best, who always cared for her well being and helped her more than anyone through the first half of her life...She thought it could fix it.

But as it had been for more than twenty years now, it did not respond when she called. She thought of how to reconnect with it. She had even outright poisoned herself to try to get it to respond, it always used to react when she was in trouble. But she stayed there writhing in pain but it still did not come. Therefore, she turned to these so-called enlightened men but only suffered insult after insult.

But still, there was no progress.

The Empress dowager held her forehead and then felt something wet on her palms. She frowned and wiped her tears away, angry?and frustrated.

{...I should climb a mountain? What insolence! If I do climb up there, it will be to burn it to the ground!... If you keep ignoring me, I will burn down every temple in existence and every monk I see will die...}