Chapter 135: Phantom Plan (15)

Translator: Henyee Translations Editor: Henyee Translations

Looking at Xu Lei, whose expressions showed signs of suffering, Lu Jia’er voiced her view in a soft tone, “Deputy Xu, truth be told, the world is not different. What is different is your state of mind. You were transferred here and started working with the criminal police unit. The work you do keeps you occupied. Nonetheless, it is not the same as what you had in the Special Force. It is only natural that you are not used to the new life. Nostalgia is in people’s genes. For instance, when you move from one city to another, you will always look back on the life you had in the old city, such as the eating habits and the friends you have there. Deputy Xu, you are a man that values relationships. You love the army, your friends in the army and the very place where you made commitments. But life just keeps moving on and nobody is allowed to stop.”

Lu Jia’er had an accurate grasp on Xu Lei’s mental state. Deep inside, he ardently loved the army, his friends and the place that he had devoted so much effort to. He was in a passive place precisely because he did not adjust his mental state.

Xu Lei touched his face and said, “Professor Lu, you are right. To some extent, I am falling behind.”

Lu Jia’er looked at him. “As a matter of fact, you do not want to catch up. Inside, you are still longing for battles and yearning for a chance to fight with your friends side by side. You are still eager to go to the front even after you saw your friend taking a bullet for you and your face was covered with his brains.”

Xu Lei looked at Lu Jia’er in the eye upon hearing this. She went straight to the heart of the matter. It was as if she could see right through him.

While Xu Lei was not a fan of this feeling, Lu Jia’er was telling the truth. Deep down, he longed to go back to the battlefield and fight. Those that never served in the army could not understand and would not understand. However, for Xu Lei, he could never go back to the place that would appear in his dreams again. Those longings were just wild wishes for him now.

Xu Lei avoided Lu Jia’er’s looks as she gazed into his eyes. “I can understand the carvings on your heart. Just like you said, taking off the military uniform is like peeling off your skin. That experience in the army has already been embedded in your blood and serves as the motivation in your life. Once you left the army, you began to struggle and try to escape, just like a fish out of water.”

historical

“I don’t want to escape. I want to face it, but I have failed!” Xu Lei appeared to be frustrated.

“Deputy Xu, I have only met you a couple of times. Even so, I can tell that no matter where you are, you are not a man of mediocrity. Even as a fish out of water, you will evolve into a fish that can crawl onto the land.” Lu Jia’er said.

“Professor Lu, you flatter me.” As he uttered those words, Xu Lei put his hand on his wounded leg subconsciously again.

Lu Jia’er was observing him. Xu Lei still had a strong will. All he needed was a push. So, she said, “The wound on your leg has turned into a hidden scar. But if you were Brother He, what do you think he would do?”

“Brother He?” Xu Lei mumbled the two words.

“Your close comrade-in-army, Brother He. What do you think he would do if he were in your situation?” Lu Jia’er asked.

“Brother He, wherever he was, would never shy away from challenge. There was a glow around him that would not only light up his own life, but others’ as well! He would still be the champion even with a broken leg.” Xu Lei thought very highly of Brother He.

But at the same time, Xu Lei was thinking of something else entirely in his heart. It was true that on the battlefield, bullets could not see. That being said, if he could travel back in time, Xu Lei would rather that he was the one that died. In that way, Brother He’s newly wedded wife would not be so miserable, and his family would not be so grieved.

“Deputy Xu, Brother He was your comrade-in-army for years. I believe you admired each other. Brother He had his merits, so you must have yours, too! Whatever he could do, you can achieve as well!” Lu Jia’er said.

“We admire each other indeed. We competed in our professional abilities but we advanced side by side. Sometimes, he was like my mirror, so I could see myself clearly. However, now, I am without my mirror. Sometimes, I feel like I cannot tell who I am!” Deputy Xu exclaimed.

“Deputy Xu, you are a man that values friendships.” Lu Jia’er said.

Xu Lei added. “Speaking of valuing friendships, Brother He was even more so. He was more selfless than I am. He had a big heart. He would give away opportunities of promotions to others on several occasions. We talked to him about this several times but he still did not listen!”

“From your words, I can tell that Brother He was a kind and honest person.” Lu Jia’er said.

“Yes. He was more honest than me. I could be more cunning than him in some regards. That was why later on, I became a deputy captain and he was a training instructor.” Xu Lei replied.

Xu Lei was constantly “criticizing” himself. Lu Jia’er could not help but comfort him. “Deputy Xu, you must have outstanding merits if you could be qualified as a deputy captain in the Special Forces!”

“Even if I have my merits, I still was not a generous man like Brother He!” Xu Lei said.

“Leadership is something born with you. It has nothing to do with generosity!” Lu Jia’er replied.

“Perhaps!” Xu Lei sighed.

Lu Jia’er kept her eyes on Xu Lei. She had found out what was bothering Xu Lei from their conversation, so she said, “Deputy Xu, you cannot bring the dead back to life. Brother He took the bullet for you because he saw you as his friend. If you were in each other’s shoes, you would have taken the bullet for him without any hesitation as well. There is nothing like the friendship forged between men in the army. You feel guilty because of the pain felt by Brother He’s family. But I don’t think that is something Brother He would want to see. Today, you took the initiative to let me perform psychological intervention for you and this is a good thing. It means that you are willing to face your true self. You don’t want to see yourself disappoint Brother He.”

“Yes, that is right. I don’t want Brother He to be disappointed in me while he is in the nether world!” Xu Lei gave an honest answer.

“I am glad. Your intention is not to let Brother He down. Even so, the fact that you have come here today to reveal a part of you will be immensely helpful to ease the internal conflict!” Lu Jia’er said.

Xu Lei looked at Lu Jia’er with mixed feelings. “At first, I tried to let myself adjust when I retired from the army and was transferred here. I tried to accept the reality and I believed I could do it. Nevertheless, I failed. I was locked in a seesaw struggle in my heart every night. I know that this is bad, but I cannot face myself. I don’t want to become a coward, someone that I am disgusted by or look down on. This time, I am willing to accept psychological intervention because it is you, Lu Jia’er, Professor Lu.”

It was not easy to be trusted by others. While part of the reason for this trust was romantic fondness a man developed for the fairer sex, Lu Jia’er expressed her gratitude. “Thank you, Deputy Xu, for your trust.”

“You said so just now that I am eager to go to battles. I am well-aware that it is not possible, but I cannot put aside that idea. I don’t know what to do to completely erase that idea!” Xu Lei stated what was bothering him.

“As a matter of fact, it is not necessary to put it aside. You can try to switch that craving into a driving force in your life!” Lu Jia’er suggested.

“I have tried. That eagerness became a motivation for me to be transferred here. When Brother He was gone, I didn’t know but I had fallen into the darkness. That was what happened!” Xu Lei said, holding his face in his hands.

Lu Jia’er gazed at him. “Deputy Xu, coming here today implies that you are facing yourself with courage. It’s okay. Take your time.”

Xu Lei looked up at Lu Jia’er who was smiling a sweet smile at him. “Deputy Xu, you are born to be strong. I believe in you!”

This smile was like a spring breeze stroking his face and her words were inspirational as well.

“Professor Lu, thank you!” Xu Lei was grateful.

Lu Jia’er replied with a smile. From their conversation, she got to know part of the inner world of Xu Lei and about his bond with the army. However, just one round of conversation would not free him completely. Psychological intervention or counseling must be done step by step. As long as Xu Lei had a positive attitude, Lu Jia’er believed that it was not hard for him to be free given how strong his will was.

Lu Jia’er and Xu Lei left the psychological research center together after they were done with the first session.

“Professor Lu, are you going straight back home?” Xu Lei asked.

“Yes. I will go back home directly. What about you, Deputy Xu? Have you made any plans?” Lu Jia’er asked with a smile.

“Me? I am going to grab a drink with someone!” Xu Lei said, smiling.

“Drinking! Taking a sip can be beneficial but getting drunk will bring harm to you!” Lu Jia’er offered a friendly reminder. After all, Xu Lei’s symptom was alcoholism.

“Professor Lu, don’t worry. I will not indulge in excessive drinking after this talk with you.” Xu Lei said.

“Actually, my personal advice is that you go back home and have a rest!” Lu Jia’er said.

“Professor Lu, are you worried about me?” Xu Lei asked, smiling.

“No. It’s just I saw the redness in your eyes!” Lu Jia’er responded.

Xu Lei looked into Lu Jia’er’s eyes for a long time before he said, “Okay. I will follow your advice.”

Lu Jia’er could not help but smile with satisfaction given how well her patient was behaving. As he saw her smiling, Xu Lei felt his heart skip a beat.

After she parted ways with Xu Lei, Lu Jia’er drove back home directly.

She parked her car in the underground parking lot. Lu Jia’er took her handbag and walked toward the elevator. Her five-centimeter high heel shoes were making a “tick tock” sound.

Right at that moment, the headlight of a car to her right was turned on all of a sudden and the light submerged her all at once. Lu Jia’er used her hand to block the light as she turned around slowly.