Chapter 136: Servant of the Axe, 36 – Monkey, Monkey

Servant of the Axe

Chapter 36

Monkey, Monkey

Most people think you can only use a shield if it is firmly secured to your forearm. But if you practice enough, you can get some utility from grasping the straps, or even the edge, as it comes to you from inventory.

It made a satisfying THWAK noise as Dimmihammas smacked into it. I placed the shield on top of him, and myself atop the shield.

“Kismet, get Narces and Gamilla. We’ll need their spears.”

“Darksoul, take the knife!” he screamed.

.....

“I cannot!” she screamed back, “My contract forbids!”

“Oh. Well, that’s that, then.” Which in no way lessened his struggles to move.

“It need not have been this way!” she screamed at me.

“You’ve been working toward this from the beginning. There was never going to be peace between us.”

“Peace? You mean weakness. You. Are. Weak.”

“As someone currently immobilized, I object to such labels being applied to my opponent.”

“Dimmihammas! His shield! It’s wood.”

“Yes, and it tastes quite terrible. Oh, I see your point! IMMOLATION!”

He burned himself downward into the mattress. The flames licked at my ankles and tail around the rim of the shield, but not so strongly that Boil, Boil couldn’t mitigate the damage.

“This form has no fire affinity at all!” he complained.

“I’m here, boss.”

“Narces, when I move the shield, cut the arms off the monkey. If it gets loose, avoid the knife. It’s tainted.”

His eyes narrowed. “The knife that wasn’t there?”

“The same.” I said.

“Got it. Move the shield.”

“Wait! Wait! I surrender! I’ll gladly hand over the knife.”

“You coward!” Madonna shrieked. “I should never have summoned you.”

“I believe we can all agree on that point. But I am here, now, and am quite willing to negotiate remaining here.”

Gamilla, clad in battle armor, arrived with Kismet.

“Thank you, Kismet.”

“Is everything okay?”

I gave her the thumbs-up gesture that offends so many Khanate citizens. She snorted.

“Would someone get salt, please?”

“No, wait. Lift the edge of the shield just slightly. I’ll gladly hand over the knife.”

I did so, needlessly wary of treachery. “Don’t touch it, the knife is full of taint.”

Gamilla used her spear-tip to roll it off the edge of the bed.

“Look, it’s very hard to breathe down here.” Dimmihammas said. “If you lift the shield, I promise not to run.”

“Do you swear on your power?”

“I think we’ve all seen how little power I possess, and thus how little such an oath would mean.”

I lifted the shield, charred solid black with cracks through most of its thickness.

Sniffing and coughing, Dimmihammas moved to the foot of the bed, and sneezed out embers. Coated in soot, he looked as if he were clad as a chimneysweep.

Madonna moved toward him, her hand extended.

“YOU!” I screamed at her, “BY OUR PACT, SIT RIGHT THERE IN THAT CHAIR AND DO NOT MOVE FROM IT UNTIL I GIVE YOU LEAVE!”

She sat, quickly, and folded her hands in her lap.

#

“You have to listen me!” she said.

“Be silent, or I’ll compel it from you.” I said.

Kismet returned with one of the maids, and a bag of salt. The maid threw up her hands, clearly saying words she shouldn’t in polite company, and left.

“I didn’t know salt could contain demons.” Gamilla said.

“Not while they’re in bodies.” I said.

Dimmihammas threw up his hands. “Cooperating.” He said.

“Boss, tell me we aren’t putting up with this crap. The devils go back to hell.”

“I agree. They’ve gone beyond treason.” Gamilla said.

“To be fair,” Dimmihammas said, “I believe that only the Blacksoul has been treacherous, as our culture requires of her, if she believes her master to be weak.”

“Dimmihammas, we aren’t in hell. I’ve made – accommodations to make her more comfortable. At this point, I agree with my companions. There are two simple solutions; either we have her swear you to her oath, and to swear not to summon more spirits, demons, devils, or other assistants or we restrain both of you and turn you over to the local churches to dispose of.”

“There is, in the former solution, the problem of describing a hole burned in a mattress.”

“Monkey was playing with a candle.” Kismet said. “And why not just command her to put him under the oath?”

“Madonna, you have my permission to explain why that won’t work, and then shut up again.”

“Demonic contracts have to be entered by free will. You can torture, threaten, intimidate, seduce, blackmail – but you can’t compel people, or slip them drugs, or lie about the terms.”

“Might I discuss with the Blacksoul on the veranda?”

“On your promise not to run?”

“Oh please. Your experience divisor IS over twenty? A level attained only by legendary heroes and their companions?”

“I’m not sure about the latter part, but my divisor is over twenty.”

“Then we both know how little time I’ll gain by running, don’t we?”

“Go. No swearing of oaths without us present.”

Madonna made an urgent gesture to her mouth.

“You may discuss IN WHISPERS with your fellow devil.” I said. “And take the dagger, I don’t want some poor maid infected by the thing.”

“Boss, no. We can’t discuss this.”

“They tried to kill you.” Kismet said.

“Wait, they what? And how did she find an Aware monkey?”

So, we spent a while filling Gamilla in. During this time, the maids ushered us out of my bedroom. We made our way out to Narces’ veranda.

“How is that NOT a violation of her oath?” Gamilla asked.

I shrugged. “I would think beings sworn to her service would be counted as things she controlled. Apparently, whatever cosmic forces enforce the Pact feel otherwise.”

“Stupid cosmic forces.” Kismet said.

“Why are we discussing this?” Gamilla said. “What has she done to merit a second chance?”

“Besides save all our lives?” I asked.

“When? You can’t mean the pirates.”

“I can and do mean the pirates.” I said. “We would all be dead or perhaps wishing we were, except they had better things to do than kill or capture us.”

I sighed. “But we do need to discuss terms, if we aren’t turning her over to the churches tonight.”

#

There are many discussions in my life that I would rather not have had. I’d like to count that night’s discussion as two of them, but my Truthspeaker Oath won’t let me. If the proof of diplomacy is that all parties are equally unhappy with the results, then we reached a diplomatic conclusion.

The fury of the maids had passed for that night, and we retired to our rooms. “Come inside.” I told the devils, holding the veranda doors open for them. “We’ve reached consensus.”

.....

“Please be seated on the chair again. There should be enough room for both of you.” I took a seat on the new mattress, facing them.

Madonna gestured to her mouth.

“No. For this time, if at no other, you will LISTEN. This is not a discussion.”

“You HAVE saved our lives, Madonna, and that is the only reason there is a second chance for you. It is true that you are a devil, born and raised. But we are NOT in hell, and such behaviors will not be tolerated. But it is clear that you don’t take that seriously. To that end-”

I pricked a finger with my claws, dripped blood into a tiny fingerbowl of sand the maids had left on the bedstand.

historical

“By power of blood and salt, upon my status as Truthspeaker, I make this oath, provisionally accept this quest. Should I or any of my companions suffer injury or undue duress from Blacksoul Madonna, her companions, friends, or unwarned repercussions from her own personal quest, whether that be from either her action or inaction, by word or deed or will then I will partake of this quest: to spare no expense, no time, no reduction of my own power or health or reputation, to reduce Blacksoul Madonna in power such that she cannot survive return to the mortal planes, and then to cast her into hell by the most expedient means that cause no further injury to world, my companions, or myself. Once started, there will be no delays, no discussions, no consideration, only those actions leading most swiftly to the conclusion of the quest. By blood and salt, upon my own power, I swear this.”

Dimmihammas broke out in tears. “That was...”

“Not done yet.” I said

“By blood and salt, upon my status as Truthspeaker, I swear this oath. Should I or any of my companions suffer injury or undue distress from causes, persons, intellects, or forces unknown while travelling with the devil known to us as Blacksoul Madonna, I shall spare no expense, effort, or time, except that it shall endanger the persons or quests already known to us, to determine whether or not the being Blacksoul Madonna is responsible for said harm, and if such harm is determined to be beyond reasonable doubt to be her fault, the preceding oath is to immediately take effect. By blood and salt, upon my own power, I swear this.”

“Now leave my bedroom, and make your own pact or peace with Dimmihammas, or dispel him if that is your will. But at dawn, if he still remains, then YOU are responsible for his conduct and behavior.”

She made a gesture to her mouth.

“You may speak to Dimmihammas or to make oaths and pacts with him. You are free to speak as normal at dawn. For the rest of us, it is time to sleep.”

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