i keep my eyes trained on his. he tilts his head slightly and chews on his bottom lip while he studies me.

"her birthday is next saturday," i say, picking up the sack. "i got her this and i want you to give it to her. i don't want her to know it's from me. just tell her you got it for her. i know she'll like it." i take the e-reader out of the sack and toss it to him. he catches it, then looks down at it.

he stares at it for a few minutes, then flips it over and looks at the back of it. he tosses it on the bed beside him, then clasps his hands together again, staring down at the floor. i wait for him to speak because i've said everything i came here to say.

"can i just say one thing?" he says, lifting his gaze.

i nod. i figured he'd have way more than just one thing to say after all that.

"i think what pissed me off the most is the fact that i liked her with you," he says. "i liked seeing how happy she was that day. and even though it was just thirty minutes that i watched you with her at lunch before you went and flipped the fuck out," he says, waving his arm in the air, "it just seemed so right. you seemed right for her and she seemed right for you and . . . i don't know, holder. you just don't make any sense. you didn't make sense when you walked away from her that day and you sure aren't making any sense right now. but i can tell you care about her. i just don't understand you. i don't understand you at all and it pisses me off because if there's one thing in the world i'm good at, it's understanding people."

i wasn't counting while he was talking, but i'm pretty sure that was more than just one thing. "can you just trust that i really do care about her?" i say. "i want what's best for her and although it kills me that i'm not what's best for her, i want to see her happy."

breckin smiles, then reaches beside him and picks up the e-reader. "well, i think once i give her this awesome present i spent my life savings on, she'll forget all about dean holder. i'm pretty sure it'll be all about sawdust and sunshine once she dives into the books i'm about to load on here."

i smile, even though i have no idea what he means by sawdust and sunshine.

chapter thirty-and-a-half

les,

breckin is pretty cool. you would like him. i went to his house friday night and gave him the gift i bought for sky. we talked things out for a while and i don't think he wants to kick my ass anymore. not that he could have. but that's what solidified my respect for him. the fact that he was so mad he wanted to fight me, even though he knew there wasn't a chance in hell he would win.

i wasn't sure how going over there would turn out, but i ended up staying until almost midnight. i've never really been into video games, but we played modern warfare and it was nice just letting my mind take a break for a while. although i'm not sure how much of a break it took because breckin made it a point to bring up how much i talked about sky. he doesn't understand why i won't just apologize to her if i obviously like her as much as i do. unfortunately, i can't explain it to him, so he'll never understand it. but he seems okay with that.

neither of us thinks it's a good idea to let sky know we hung out. i don't want her upset with breckin, but now it feels like i'm somehow cheating on her by being friends with him. but i can assure you, les. i wasn't there for his gay parts.

chapter thirty-one

"what do you want to do?" i ask.

"i don't care what we do," daniel says.

"me neither."

we're sitting in his driveway. i'm leaned back in my seat with my foot propped on his dash. he's in the same position in the driver's seat, only his hand is hanging loosely from the steering wheel and his head is resting against the headrest. he's staring out the window and he's being unusually distant.

"what's wrong with you?" i ask.

he continues to stare out the window and sighs a heavy, depressing sigh. "broke up with val again," he says disappointedly. "she's crazy. she's so fucking crazy."

"i thought that's why you loved her?"

"but that's also why i don't." he drops his leg to the floorboard and scoots his seat forward. "let's get out of here." he cranks the car and begins backing out of the driveway.

i put my seatbelt on and slide my sunglasses off my head and over my eyes. "what do you want to do?"

"i don't care what we do," he says.

"me neither."

"is breckin home?" i ask his mother, who's now eyeing daniel from the doorway in the same way she was eyeing me last friday night.

"well, aren't you becoming a real regular," breckin's mother says to me. there isn't any humor behind her voice and quite frankly, she's a little intimidating.

we stand silently for several awkward seconds and she still doesn't invite us in. daniel leans his head toward mine. "hold me. i'm scared."

the door widens and breckin replaces his mother after she turns and walks away. he's now the one eyeing daniel suspiciously. "i'm definitely not doing you any favors," breckin says to him.

daniel turns to face me, shooting me a quizzical look. "it's friday night and you bring me to powder puff's house?" he shakes his head disappointedly. "what the hell has happened to us, man? what the hell have these bitches done to us?"

i look at breckin and nudge my head sympathetically in daniel's direction. "girl trouble. i thought some modern warfare could help."

breckin sighs, rolls his eyes, then steps aside to let us in. we make our way inside and breckin closes the door behind us, then stops in front of daniel. "you call me powder puff again and my new second-best friend ever in the whole wide world will kick your ass."

daniel grins, then cuts his eyes to mine. we have one of our silent conversations where he tells me this kid isn't half bad. i smile, completely agreeing with him.

"let me get this straight," breckin says, trying to clarify the confession daniel just made. "you don't even know what the girl looked like?"

daniel smiles boastfully. "no clue."

"what was her name?" i ask.

he shrugs. "no clue."

breckin sets down his game controller and turns to face daniel. "how the hell did you end up in the maintenance closet with her?"

daniel's face is still awash with a smug grin. he seems so proud of it, i'm shocked this is the first time he's mentioned it to me.

"funny story, really," he says. "last year i was never assigned a fifth-period class. it was a mistake on administration's part, but i didn't want them to know. every day during fifth period while everyone else went to their scheduled classes, i would hide out in the janitor's closet and nap. they never cleaned that section of the hallway until after school, so no one ever went in there.

"i guess it was about six or seven months ago, right before the end of the school year, i was having one of my fifth-period naps and all of a sudden someone opens the door, slips inside, and trips over me. i couldn't see who she was because i always kept the lights out, but she landed right on top of me. we were in this really compromising position and she smelled really good and she didn't weigh very much, so i didn't mind her landing on me. i wrapped my arms around her and made no attempt to roll her off me because she felt so damn good. she was crying, though," he says, losing some of the excitement in his eyes. he leans back in his chair and continues. "i asked her what was wrong and all she said was, 'i hate them.' i asked her who she hated and she said, 'everybody. i hate everybody.' the way she said it was just heartbreaking and i felt bad for her and her breath smelled so fucking good and i knew exactly what she meant because i hate everyone, too. so i kept my arms wrapped around her and i said, 'i hate everybody, too, cinderella.' we were still in . . ."

"wait, wait, wait," breckin says, interrupting the story. "you called her cinderella? what the hell for?"

daniel shrugs. "we were in a janitor's closet. i didn't know her name and there were all these mops and brooms and shit and it reminded me of cinderella, okay? give me a break."

"but why would you even call her anything?" breckin asks, not understanding daniel's penchant for random nicknames.

daniel rolls his eyes. "i didn't know her fucking name, einstein! now stop interrupting me, i'm just now getting to the good part." he leans forward again. "so i said to her, 'i hate everybody, too, cinderella.' we were still in the same position and it was dark and to be honest, it was really kinda hot. you know, not knowing who she was or what she looked like. sort of mysterious. then she just laughs and leans forward and kisses me. of course i kissed her back because i'd already finished my nap and we still had about fifteen minutes to kill. we kissed for the rest of the period. that's all we did. we never spoke another word and we never did more than just kiss. when the bell rang, she hopped up and walked out. i didn't even see what she looked like."

he's staring at the floor, smiling. i've honestly never seen him talk about a girl like this before. not even val.

"but i thought you said she was the best sex you ever had?" breckin says, bringing us back to the point that started this whole conversation.

daniel grins boastfully again. "she was. turns out i wasn't hard to find after that. she showed up again a week later. the closet light was out like always and she walked in and shut the door behind her. she was crying again. she said, 'are you in here, kid?' the way she called me kid made me think she might have been a teacher and i'd be lying if i said that didn't turn me on. then one thing led to another and let's just say i became her prince charming for the rest of the hour. and that was the best sex i ever had."

breckin and i both laugh.

"so who was she?" i ask.

daniel shrugs. "i never found out. she never showed up again after that and school ended a few weeks later. then i met val and my life spiraled out of control." he exhales a deep rush of air, then turns to face breckin. "is it racist of me to not really want to hear about your gay sex?"

breckin laughs and throws his game controller at daniel. "racist isn't the correct term, dipshit. homophobic and discriminatory, yes. and understandable. i wouldn't tell you, anyway."

daniel looks at me. "i don't even have to guess who you'll say was your best," he says. "the way sky has you broken right now, i think it's pretty obvious."

i shake my head. "well, you're wrong, because not only did i never have sex with her, but we never even kissed."

daniel laughs but breckin doesn't and neither do i, which quickly shuts daniel up. "please tell me you're kidding."