"just making an observation. i guess your 'conference' was pretty tedious," she stated, letting me know she had seen through my excuse.

i sighed. i was no longer sure why i had felt the need to keep her in the dark on every aspect of my life. "i went to seattle for a friend's engagement," i said, throwing it out there.

"and to see the boy who broke your heart two years ago," she said, stirring the pot.

"yes," i answered.

"and did you two fix what was broken?"

"how did you know it was something broken and not just a typical breakup?" i asked.

"how did i know? honey, i don't get my nosey nicknames by sitting back and cooling my heels. i knew the moment you came home all broken inside that some boy had done that to you. only love can break a gal's spirit like that. i waited for you to come to me and tell me. i figured you'd get around to it when you were ready," she said, pulling two bowls from the cabinet.

"you never said anything."

"that's because i know how much you value your privacy. i know my runaway tongue embarrasses you, but it's who i am. i figured i owed it to you not to pry this time."

i felt so ashamed. for years i'd kept her in the dark, punishing her for who she is. i gave her an awkward hug. "i'm sorry, mom. i never meant to make you feel bad."

"it's okay, honey. i know we're different, but i want you to know that doesn't mean i don't love you."

"i love you too," i said, sinking down at the bar with my bowl of chili in hand.

"tell me about your trip and why it made you unhappy."

i decided to go back to the very beginning. i filled her in on everything from meeting justin at the cafe to spending thanksgiving with him that year to the first time he told me he loved me. our untouched chili cooled as i told her about the pregnancy and then the miscarriage. i was surprised when tears rolled down her cheeks and she reached out to grasp my hand. i even told her how justin had outed me for an abortion i never had. finally i moved to my recent visit to seattle. through my whole confession, my normally talkative mom remained silent. she gave me a hug that didn't feel nearly as awkward as the first one before reheating our chili.

"i'm so sorry, honey, but i'm confident you and your young man will figure it out."

"you are?" i asked surprised.

"honey, you may be my flesh and blood, but you and i are as different as night and day. you see something you want and you go after it, no matter how scary it may seem."

i mulled over her words as we both ate our chili in silence. in retrospect, i knew she was right. i was never one to not rise to a challenge. only once had i ever let a situation beat me down. feeling lighthearted, i headed home so i could be there when justin called. i had no sooner sat down on my couch when my cell phone rang. i greeted him much the same way i had the night before, by declaring how much i missed him. thankfully he seemed equally miserable, so i didn't feel nearly as codependent as i thought. we talked for several hours, neither of us wanting to hang up. the rest of my week pretty much followed the same pattern with the exception of subbing a couple of days at the elementary school and the high school. the highlights of my days were the text messages justin would send me and our nightly calls.

two weeks after returning home, i finally got a call from ms. miller, officially offering me mrs. duncan's full-time position when she retired at christmas break. the feeling of excitement that i was so sure would come when i finally secured a full-time position never manifested. i was appreciative but hated that there was yet another thing to tie me to woodfalls. that night when i talked to justin, i could tell by the lack of enthusiasm in his voice that he felt the same. he then delivered the blow that his trip would have to be delayed since his client had commissioned him for another job. i tried to interject cheer into my voice as i congratulated him, but my heart wasn't in it. this was why long-distance relationships were impossible.

the next morning i felt marginally better when i woke to a text from justin. i sent a return message and a few seconds later my phone rang.

"morning," i greeted him. "sorry about last night. i just miss you so damn much."

"i miss you too. i'm sorry about my trip being delayed," he sighed. i knew without even seeing him that he was rubbing a hand over his head.

"that's okay. maybe i can come for christmas," i said, not sure if i was being too forward.

"really?" he asked, sounding more excited than i'd heard him in the last few days.

"sure," i said as the idea took hold. "i don't start until after christmas break, so i'll have those two weeks off."

"that would be amazing," he said.

"i think so too," i said happily, not dwelling on the fact that christmas was still months away. we talked for a few more minutes before he had to return to work.

"i'll call you later tonight," he promised.

"you better," i threatened. "bye."

"bye, i love you," he shocked me by saying just before he hung up the phone. glancing at the phone in my hand, i wondered if i'd heard him right. we had both avoided saying the words. it got to the point where i wondered if we would ever be able to say them again. sitting there with his words still swirling around my head, i knew without a shadow of a doubt that i loved him too. i always had and always would. i belonged with him. he was the love of my life.

looking around my empty apartment, i realized that all the things i thought were tying me to woodfalls merely needed to be untied. grabbing my keys, i tore out of my apartment. five minutes later, i was running up the stairs to tressa's room, glad she had no classes.

she was in the middle of typing something on her computer when i burst through her bedroom door. "well, it's about damn time," she greeted me.

"what?" i asked, momentarily confused.

"you're leaving, right?" she asked, setting her computer to the side.

"what? how? did you tap my phone?" i asked.

"no, you turd. i can tell by your face. you've been a debbie downer for the last two weeks, and suddenly you burst into my room like you just won the lottery. it took you long enough to decide," she added, glaring at me.

"you knew. how did you know when i didn't even know?"

"oh please. you talk about seattle like it's your mother ship, and justin like he's your alien lover or something. i can't believe you waited this long."

"waited this long?" i asked. "i thought you would think i was a total ass for moving across the country for some guy who broke my heart. not to mention, i have no idea how i'm going to tell my mom or ms. miller, who finally offered me the job yesterday. i'll be leaving a lot behind," i added defensively.

"your mom will recover, and ms. miller will have to hire someone else."

"yeah, but what about you?"

"brittni, seriously? i've known you'd be leaving since you got home. i've had two weeks to adjust to the idea. i'll miss you like a pussycat misses her tomcat, but i get it. dicks before chicks," she smirked, tossing a pillow at me.

"gah, you're so crude," i stated, returning her smile. "are you sure you'll be okay? maybe you should move to seattle with me."

she snorted loudly. "i could never leave deadfalls. it's in my blood. i know i make fun of it, but i love this old town. i'm going to miss your twat-face though, and you better not forget about me," she said. she stood and gave me a ferocious hug.

"i love you," i said, squeezing her tight.

"i love you too."

i left my best friend behind a few minutes later after she promised to box up my belongings for me. my next stop was the school, where i turned down the job offer. with a few hours to kill, i went home and packed everything i could into my car, knowing tressa would send me the rest. i contacted my landlord, mr. james, and thanked him for renting me his loft. by four o'clock, i was ready to go with only one other person left to tell. i was just pulling into the driveway of the house i'd spent the first eighteen years of my life in when my mom pulled into the driveway next to me.

"you'd think i wouldn't be the last to know," she said, looking at my carload of belongings.

"i'm sorry, mom. i wanted to wait until you got off work to break the news to you," i said, following her into the house with a lump in my throat.

"he knows i'll hunt him down if he breaks your heart again, right?"

"yes, ma'am," i answered.

"and i won't tolerate sporadic visits like when you were in college, you hear me?"

"yes, mom," i said, grinning with relief that she was willing to let me go. i had been so sure it would be a battle, but i was right, the strings just needed to be untied.

"and i wish you would wait until morning to go, but i can tell by the determined look on your face there's no talking you out of this."

"no, ma'am," i confirmed, giving her a hard hug that she returned wholeheartedly. "i love you, mom."

"i love you too," she said, walking me to my car. "you better call as soon as you stop for the night, and no driving past eleven, since that's when the drunks hit the road."

"promise," i agreed, giving her a quick kiss on the cheek before climbing into my car.

maybe it was the finality of leaving, but backing out of the driveway, i suddenly felt more love for my mom than i ever had. not because she was letting me go, but because she had always accepted me for who i was. finally, i realized i owed her that in return. the gps indicated my destination was thousands of miles away, but i didn't care because i knew i was going home. the sign telling me to visit woodfalls again soon came into sight, and i laughed openly when i drove past it.

36.

present day

i was a hundred miles into my trip when justin called. wanting to keep my news secret, i lied and told him i was on my way to the city to see a movie with tressa. it killed me not to tell him the truth, but i bit my tongue. heeding my mom's warning, i pulled into the parking lot of a hotel at around eleven o'clock. i made sure to call to let her know i was off the road. i was so amped i could hardly sleep, and by six the next morning, i was back on the road. my car ate up each mile as if it sensed my hurry. the only time i stopped was to fill up on gas, make quick bathroom breaks, and to hit a drive-through. the day passed quickly and by eleven that night, after twenty-four hours of driving time, i was more than halfway there. i was giddy with excitement, knowing that soon i would be back in justin's arms.

i looked at my phone after i checked into my hotel room, feeling guilty that i had let his nightly call go to voice mail. i was afraid i couldn't trust myself not to blurt out the truth. listening to the voice mail made me feel even worse. he sounded lonely, but the result would be worth it. i sent him a text message saying i was sorry i missed his call and that i would talk to him tomorrow. sleep came easier than it had the night before. as excited as i was, i guess all the driving had me exhausted. even the buzz i maintained all day from sucking down one red bull after another was long gone. i lay down on the bed, intending to rest my eyes for a minute before showering. before i knew it, i was awakened by the jingle of my cell phone sitting on the bed next to me. luckily i had remembered to set the alarm before i crashed. i still had on the same clothes from the day before, but i felt surprisingly refreshed. after a quick shower, i hit the road before the sun came up.

by the time i made it to my next hotel stop that evening at eleven, i was less than five hundred miles away from seattle. i couldn't believe how many miles i had covered in the past three days. the god of road trips must also be on my side because i had managed to avoid highway patrols and state troopers the entire way, which was good considering i hadn't exactly been paying attention to the posted speed limits. i spent a few minutes talking to justin on the phone before giving him the excuse that i was feeling a little under the weather to get off the phone. i felt like a kid in a toy store, eager to get what i wanted. tomorrow i would claim my prize.

the next day i was less than fifty miles away when justin called, and i couldn't decide if i should answer. choosing to wait one more hour for the big surprise, i let it go to voice mail again. i was pulling into the parking lot of his building when he called again. gleefully, i answered the phone this time.

"hello," i said, climbing from my car.

"there you are. you've been hard to reach," he said, sounding stressed.

"sorry, it's been a crazy couple of days," i answered, climbing the steps to his condo.

"anything i can help with?" he asked as i located his door.

"i think so," i said, raising my fist to knock on his door. "i'm wondering about what you said to me the other night," i added, knocking.

"i've been worried about that. just a sec, someone's at the door," he said.

"i was wondering if you were serious about the love part?" i asked into the receiver, grinning broadly at him. he looked like he might pass out before gathering himself.

"hell yes," he answered, dragging me into his arms.

"that's good, because i love you too," i said, seconds before our lips came together.

epilogue

"you ready, babe?" i called, closing my suitcase.

"just about," justin said, looking up from the painting he was working on.

"um, hon, you know we have to leave for the airport in twenty minutes?"

"i know. i just wanted to finish this," he said, turning the painting so i could see. "what do you think?"

"it's beautiful," i whispered, taking in the painting of the land we had purchased that week. it would be several years before we could afford to build the house of our dreams on it, but for now at least, the land was ours.

"you can see yourself growing old here?" justin asked, sliding his arms around me.

"only if you promise to mow all that grass," i teased, looking down at the ring sparkling on my finger.

justin had proposed on a cliche date, despite his vows not to. i had to admit though, it made for a memorable new year's eve. at least he bucked the traditional route of a romantic dinner with onlookers. instead, he popped the question just as the clock struck midnight beneath the stars while we sat in his jeep. even though it was the middle of winter, he had removed the roof and doors for me and filled the jeep with heavy blankets. wine and fine cuisine was traded for steaming cups of coffee and pizza from our favorite place. in the parking lot of olympic sculpture park, with the stars shining down, i had just declared it the perfect way to spend new year's when justin handed me a cup of coffee with something taped to the side. i had laughed with glee when i saw it was a ring.