author: roni loren

someone. "wyatt."

"he set it up before you left for the trip. he wanted you to be able to come home without worries."

she shook her head, the hollow ache that had been a constant presence since she'd gotten back from the trip seemed to yawn even wider. "i don't even know what to do with that."

grant gave her knee a squeeze. "you do what you want, darlin'. you can go back to your life. get your old job back, go to school."

she certainly could, though she wouldn't need the job for the money. she had a two-hundred-and-fifty-thousand-dollar check in her cabin. wyatt apparently wasn't so great at math because he'd added an extra zero. she couldn't bring herself to cash it though.

she forced a smile for grant, knowing that was the appropriate response to the situation. but all the things she'd been so happy with only a few weeks ago, the existence she'd been so desperate to hold on to, now seemed painted in colorless strokes in her mind-a faded version of her happy ending. "thanks, grant. really. i can't even tell you how much it means that you helped."

"anytime, darlin'." he put a hand out to her and pulled her to her feet as he rose. "but that's not why i came out here to talk to you."

"oh?"

he cocked his head toward the main house at the ranch. "i know you stopped taking clients, but there's a certain college football player in there who says he really needs to see you. what do you want me to tell him?"

she frowned. "hawk's here?"

"yeah, apparently he took it upon himself to drive out here when the receptionist told him you weren't taking appointments."

she stuck her hands in the back pockets of her jeans, staring up at the house. if hawk had gone through all that trouble, something must be wrong. no way could she walk away from that guy if he needed her. "i'll go see him."

grant smiled. "kid got to you, huh?"

she sighed, a sound she found herself making a lot lately. "he's a good guy with a good heart. i just wish i could take away all that shame he carries around with him, make his life a little easier."

grant laid his arm over her shoulder and guided her toward the house. "you know, darlin', i think i was wrong. caring that much about your sub, wanting to take away his pain through pain . . . you do have a true domme's will in you."

she leaned into his shoulder, the big brother vibe from grant unfamiliar but welcome. "too bad i have a submissive heart."

he opened the door for her with a sympathetic smile. "that's not a bad thing, kelsey. it's a beautiful gift. you just have to make sure you put it in the right hands."

she looked away, unable to let her mind go there. "what room is he in?"

"dungeon b. and be warned, he didn't come alone."

"what do you mean?"

"you should probably see for yourself."

uh-oh. kelsey made her way up to the second floor, not even bothering to stop by the locker room to change and grab her gear. she usually never let her clients see her in street clothes, but the way hawk had come here unannounced and with a guest needed to be discussed first. it wasn't like him to push the rules like that. but when she looked through the viewing window of dungeon b, she forgot all about discussing the rules.

hawk sat on one of the benches aligned along the far wall, his head bowed. next to him was a pretty dark-eyed girl with hair down to her waist. she was gripping hawk's hand so hard her knuckles were pale, but her expression was pure determination. oh, shit. this can't be good.

kelsey turned the knob and walked in, drawing their attention her way. some combination of relief and desperation crossed hawk's face, but the girl's hard expression fell instantly. her lips pressed together as if she were fighting tears. she turned to hawk with a choked whisper. "you could've told me she was so pretty. goddammit, hawk."

"baby," he said, shaking his head miserably. "it's not about that."

kelsey took a deep breath. "hawk, would you like to tell me what's going on?"

he raked a hand through his already messy hair and stood. "i'm sorry"-he swallowed hard and glanced back at his girl-"mistress."

the girl winced like she'd been slapped.

"i know i shouldn't have come like this, but christina, she-"

"i demanded he show me." christina rose and brushed invisible lint off her khaki skirt before looking up, as if biding time and building courage to speak more. "he tried to break up with me, and i wanted to know why."

"oh, hawk," kelsey said softly.

"he loves me. i know he does and he wanted to just . . . end it." christina's voice caught on the last two words.

hawk shook his head, his eyes bloodshot. "i wasn't going to tell her, but she deserved to know why. i'm not good for her. i'm fucked up."

kelsey didn't think, but instead reacted. her hand came up and smacked hawk right across the face, the sound reverberating in the small space. "do not call yourself that."

christina gasped and hawk blinked, his pupils going big, his submissiveness kicking in whether he wanted it to or not. face slapping was one of his kink buttons. "i'm so sorry, mistress."

christina stalked over, grabbing hawk's arm, and shooting kelsey the coldest, most hateful look she'd ever seen on such a sweet-looking girl. "you crazy bitch! you hit him! i'm-"

christina lunged forward like she was going to return the favor, but hawk held her back. "baby, don't . . . this . . . that's what this is. i-i need to be hurt sometimes."

"the hell you do!"

he pressed his lips to christina's hair as he held her, the anguish on his face breaking kelsey's heart into little fragments. "that's why i need to let you go, chris. i'm . . ." kelsey watched him as he searched for a word that wouldn't get another correction. "i'm different. i crave this, and that's not going to go away. you deserve better."

the words hit kelsey with the force of a kick to the sternum. she'd said the same thing to wyatt just a few weeks ago. had given the same "i'm fucked up" speech that had earned hawk a slap. she was such a goddamned hypocrite.

christina pulled back from hawk, her dark eyes going shiny. "i have better. i have you. and i'm not going to give that up just because you're . . . whatever this is."

"baby," hawk pleaded.

but christina was already turning toward kelsey, her shoulders squaring and chin lifting, shaky bravado but impressive nonetheless. "let her show me."

"what?" hawk asked, looking horrified.

christina put her hands on her hips and faced hawk. she looked so damn prim-a proper southern sorority girl-but kelsey recognized steel will when she saw it. "you want to crawl on your knees for a woman, want to be beaten on, called names? then you damn well better be doing it for me and not some blonde with bigger boobs than mine."

hawk's eyes went wide. "what?"

christina looked to kelsey, ignoring hawk's question. "can you teach me? show me how to give him what he needs?"

kelsey raised her eyebrows, a little stunned, but a lot impressed by this girl. "that's up to hawk."

"chris, you don't know what this is, how . . . ugly and brutal it can seem," hawk said, but there was a note of hope in his voice.

"shut up." christina stepped in front of hawk and put her hands on his shoulders, pushing onto her tiptoes to reach, and exerted pressure. without hesitation he went down to his knees before her. this big brute of a guy falling to a little slip of a girl. kelsey didn't think she'd ever seen anything so beautiful. christina touched hawk's stubbled cheek. "i love you, you jerk. no part of you will ever be ugly to me. i don't care if i don't know much about this. i'm willing to learn. i'm tougher than you think."

hawk, who had never cried in kelsey's sessions, no matter how much pain she dished out, teared up. salty warmth touched kelsey's cheek, too. the willingness of this girl to simply accept hawk, regardless of the complications involved, was humbling. christina loved him.

and kelsey realized, as she stood there watching, that this was what love looked like. not a picture perfect "normal." not neat corners and the absence of baggage. but acceptance of it all and a willingness to face it all together. to embrace the ugly.

kelsey leaned back against the wall, the weight of that realization making her want to slide to the floor.

"i love you, too," hawk said, pressing his cheek to christina's chest. "baby, i love you so much. thank you."

christina stroked his hair and smiled down at him. "if i'm being honest, the idea of you tied up and following my directions is past the level of super hot."

"really?" he asked, his voice full of wonder.

christina gripped his hair with surprising strength and yanked his head upward so he could see her face. "but i swear to god, if you keep going to some other woman for what you need, i'm going to string you up by your balls and beat the shit out of you."

"god, chris." hawk's eyes glazed over a bit at that, and kelsey had to hold back a chuckle. the girl had no idea how much she was turning her boyfriend on right now. hawk looked toward kelsey. "would you be willing to train her, mistress? i know you're not taking clients any-"

"i'm not taking paying clients anymore," kelsey said, pushing off the wall and smiling. "but this i'll do for free." she looked to christina. "as long as your new mistress here is willing to share the room with me for a little while."

christina backed away from hawk and eyed kelsey. "you never slept with him?"

"he wouldn't have done that to you, hon. he told me every session how in love with you he was." kelsey put her hand to her throat, rubbing the spot where wyatt had collared her in his tender grip. "and i'm in love with someone else."

hawk's gaze flitted her way, and he gave her the biggest, broadest smile she'd ever seen him wear.

christina held out her hand to kelsey. "then we've got a deal. make me a badass bitch."

kelsey laughed and shook her hand. "oh, hawk, you're in trouble."

he leaned forward and grabbed christina by the waist, dragging her down to him. "no, i'm in heaven."

kelsey smiled for the two of them, keeping her own melancholy off her face. she was glad hawk was in heaven.

maybe it was time for her to step out of her own hell.

chapter twenty-nine

"i have a bridal emergency."

kelsey hit the speaker phone button and set her phone in her car's cup holder. "talk to me."

"where are you?" brynn asked.

kelsey glanced at the mile marker as it whizzed by. "uh, probably like thirty minutes outside of town. i'm moving back into my apartment this afternoon."

"ooh, so i know i'm being a total pain, but would you possibly be willing to put that on hold for tonight? i'm freaking out about the bridesmaid's dress i chose, and i need you to try another one on for me. they have to be ordered by tomorrow if i'm going to make the switch and have them in time."

kelsey rolled her eyes, but couldn't help but smile. brides. they were their own species. "anything for you, b. where do i need to go?"

brynn gave her directions to the shop, and kelsey hung up and sagged into her seat. she'd been hoping to go home tonight and get settled in, maybe come up with a way to call wyatt and thank him for what he did with howie miller. but that would have to wait. and perhaps it was for the best. she wasn't sure if she had the right words for wyatt yet. what she'd said to him to end it had been the lowest move. to even reference what had happened to him in the past had been cruel and cowardly on her part. she wouldn't blame him if he didn't take her call.