815 Choices Reprised

I felt like a visitor in a hospice being here, sitting here at the small empty space at the side of her bed – grazed only scarcely by the warmth of her dim light – just staring, just waiting for.. I don’t really know..

Something maybe..

And conveniently, just to add to the immersion, there was even a nurse here in attending – facemask and all – themed purple for some strange reason or another.

It was almost like we were reprising a scene from the past, the three of us together. Meeting with Sera after traversing the forest deep in the night, stray twigs and leaves latching to the seams of my clothes, and there resting atop a bed of grass under the moonlit skies, I’d lay beside Ria – completely unknowing of what was about to happen, or just what I was about to unravel delving deep within.

So many things have happened since, and yet through it all, stumbling down in every pitfall, rising up above every peak, Ria had remained ever fast asleep.

I almost, just almost wish to just.. lie next to her, close my eyes, and join her in her eternal wonderland again. No grander motive, no naive heroics – I just wanted to sit down with her and simply tell her how things were going on with life.

This was how I genuinely felt despite only knowing her so briefly.. so I can really only imagine how Irene was feeling about it all. I remember before when she was a whole lot more impartial about it, assuring me nothing can be done and that this was Ria’s decision, and the best that we could do was respect her choice and leave her well alone.

Whatever happened to that sentiment, I wonder?

Carrying on with shifting stances – can’t forget there was also this, there was also her.. this violet enigma hovering closely by, her intentions and thoughts perhaps the most elusive of all.

.....

In every one of our nightly escapades from before, Sera had made it abundantly clear that her service did not come without its caveat, a price to be paid, a deal to uphold, and a promise to her.. that ultimately went unfulfilled.

The fact that I denied her what she wanted already gave her all the right to flatly deny me any more help, and it’d be all well-deserved.. yet under the same roof, a few feet apart within the same room, here Sera was ready to help once more, and even more bafflingly..

“Why haven’t you asked me about it yet?” I muttered to her silence. “I’ve been waiting for it any second now, but you – I mean, don’t you still want it? You do, don’t you? So why haven’t you asked for it?”

All the permission, all of the rights, my gaze locked onto the gleaming yellow pinpricks beneath her long hood – yet there was still not a single peep about it.

“Your freedom..”

Sera blinked, soundlessly weaving closer on the opposite side of the bed, and dimly illuminated by smoldering red flames, I watched her subtly yet undoubtedly give her head a shake.

One gesture, no words, yet so many things spoken.

“You don’t want to be free?”

She went still for a brief moment, her gaze veering in that familiar drift of ponder, before she finally responded – lifting an arm, her sleeve rolling back, unveiling a thin, pale finger pointed straight toward me.

It took me a while to come up with a sensible translation for that one.

“You want.. me to..” I began precariously, closely watching her eyes for any signs of misunderstanding. “Wait, do you want me.. to decide for you?”

She dropped her arm, nodded once, and there was definitely no misinterpreting that.

“But why?”

A low groan had me wide-eyed in surprise.. because was it really that obvious enough to annoy her over the fact that I completely missed it?

Seconds later, Sera went even lower with her grumbles – apparently it was.

Suddenly, I felt a sting.

Sharp, painful, piercing in and through me in the direction of her unblinking gaze, lasting briefly enough for my lips to part loose and answer myself in her stead, “Because I trust you.”

Then it all came to stop, and I was left wheezing air, reeling in a whirlwind of ebbing pain and mounting bemusement.

Sera trusts me?

I blinked hard, unblurring the soft rims of colors smudging my view to catch a flutter of violet in time just as Sera pulled open the bedroom door.

“Are you sure you want to do that, Sera?” I managed to sputter out, stopping her in her tracks. “The last time.. when I denied you the first time.. I’m not too sure if I’ve changed my mind about it yet.. so if you’re just gonna leave up to me without pestering, then I don’t know how long you’ll have to.. ”

Again, it was another quick, vivid flash of a recent past. Ugly bitter memories of days and days of me stringing her along, clinging onto a shimmering hope that I extinguished in a single conversation, a few minutes – her and I, face-to-face beneath the million twinkling eyes of the moonlit skies.

I remember feeling her resentment, that silent, suffocating disappointment. How she turned away without a word, without a fight. Now here I was doing it all over again, wrestling between the notions of what was right and what was needed. Do I free her now the way she was? Or do I keep her bound to me still because of what she was?

Was she really just a malignant evil? Or could she be something lesser? something better?

She could have just demanded. So easily, she could have twisted this favor to her benefit. She could have just demanded that I free her right there and then, and perhaps.. seeing no other way, and finding no other options.. maybe I would have.

If I didn’t have that choice.

But instead she left it to me – so simply, so casually.. her life literally in my hands to hold.. or to let go.

Twice now I’m left to wonder..

Do I let go?

“I’m not ready to decide that..” I muttered to her. “Not yet anyway..”

Once again, Sera just blinked. Like in that forest long ago, she just turned away and walked. But that cold disappointment did not manifest this time. She left, but her hope did not fizzle.

If anything it was larger, broader, explaining all that was needed in her absence.

She’ll wait.

For as long as it takes.

A while later, after a final glimpse and a bittersweet click, I shut the door of Ria’s room behind me.

It was getting late, and Nick was expecting bright and early next morning or dear God have mercy on my soul.

“Oh, you’re done,” Irene said, meeting me halfway across the hall. “That was.. quick. I was just about to head back in.”

“Just wanted a look, remember?” I said, spurring onward with a raised brow. “Unless, of course, you want me to stay for a bit more. I’ll happily obliged.”

“Tempting..” She smirked. “But I have work.”

Four simple words – the ruiner of all things fun.

“Don’t we all..” I sighed.

Irene promptly saw me out her front door, standing shaded from the falling snow beneath her porch, watching me clamber my bike, twist at the ignition, and as it roared to life, I heard her yelling faintly through the rumble of the engine.

“The thirty-first, remember. Mark it. Plan it. You better not skip out on me. I did not spend five hundred dollars plus shipping for nothing, you hear me?”

“Loud and clear,” I answered back, plopping in and bumping my smile with my helmet. “Also, five hundred – really? Is it really worth that much?”

“It will be,” She assured me, waving me off with a soft, tender look in her eyes. “So long as you’re there.”

Guess I’ll take her word for it.

“Make sure to bring something too,” She firmly reminded me before I took off. “It is a birthday celebration, after all.”

“A gift? She’s asleep, Irene.”

“Yes, she is. And?”

Alright, guess I can’t argue with that logic.

“Fine, I’ll think of something,” I said.

“Make sure it’s a good one,” She said, then eyed me, her eyes narrowing something fierce. “But not too good, alright?”

The last I saw of her was her hand raised in a hearty wave gradually shrinking in the distance as I roared beneath the dark white of the skies.

historical

31st was still a short few days away. Not a lot of time, but hopefully enough to get all the answers I needed when the time comes.

What Irene was planning.

The kind of gift you give to a comatose birthday girl.

And the taxing dilemma that was Sera’s trust in me. And my trust in her..

But that was all for another time.

For now though, a good night’s sleep sounded nice.