only a mile or so from town it became a different world. there were very few houses out here. every now and then there were signs for a so-called resort or a collection of rental cabins perched above the sea, but even then there was nothing to be seen from the road. this stretch of shoreline, hidden amid the towering trees in an out-of-the-way town between seattle and portland, hadn't been "discovered" yet by the yuppies, and most of the locals couldn't afford beach property. and so it was wild here. primitive. the ocean roared its presence and reminded passersby that once, not so very long ago, people believed dragons lived in the uncharted waters. it could be quiet sometimes, deceptively so, and in those times tourists were lulled into a false sense of safety. they took their rented kayaks out into the rolling water and paddled back and forth. every year some of those tourists were simply lost; only the bright borrowed kayaks returned.

finally she came to an old, rusted mailbox that read: desaria.

she turned onto the rutted dirt driveway. giant trees hemmed her in on either side, blocked out most of the sky and all of the sun. the property was covered in fallen pine needles and oversized ferns. mist coated the ground and rose upward, gave the world an impossibly softened look. she'd forgotten the mist, how it came every morning in the autumn, breathing up from the earth like a sigh made visible. sometimes, on early morning walks, you could look down and not see your own feet. as children, they'd gone in search of that mist in the mornings, made a game out of kicking through it.

she pulled up to the cottage and parked.

the homecoming was so sweet and sharp she swallowed a sudden lump in her throat. the house her father had built by hand sat in a tiny clearing, surrounded by trees that had been old when lewis and clark passed through this territory.

the shingles, once a cedar red, had aged to the color of driftwood, silvery soft. the white trim was barely a contrast at all.

when she got out of the car, she heard the symphony of her childhood summers--the sound of surf below, the whistling of the wind through the trees. someone somewhere was flying a kite. the fluttery thwop-thwop sent her back in time.

come on over here, princess. help papa trim these bushes back....

hey, livvy, wait up! i can't run that fast....

mama, tell mira to give me my marshmallows back....

it was here, all those funny, angry, bittersweet moments that made up their family's history. she stood there in the watery sunlight, surrounded by trees, and soaked them all in, the memories she'd forgotten.

over there by the giant nurse log that sprouted a dozen smaller plants was where tommy had first kissed angie ... and tried to feel her up. there by the well house was the best ever hiding place for hide-and-goseek.

and there, hidden in the dark shade of two gigantic cedar trees, was the fern grotto. two summers ago, she and conlan had brought all the nieces and nephews out here for a campout. they'd built a fort amid the huge ferns and pretended to be pirates. they'd told elaborate ghost stories that night, all of them gathered around a bonfire, roasting marshmallows and making s'mores.

back then, she'd still believed that someday she'd bring her own children here....

with a sigh, she carried her luggage into the house. the downstairs was one big room--a kitchen off to the left, with butter yellow cabinets and white tile counter-tops; a small dining area tucked into the corner (somehow all five of them had eaten at that tiny table); and a living room that took up the rest of the space. a giant river rock fireplace dominated the north-facing wall. around it were clustered a pair of overstuffed blue sofas, a battered pine coffee table, and papa's worn leather chair. there was no television at the cottage. never had been.

we talk, papa had always said when his daughters complained.

"hey, papa," she whispered.

the only answer was wind on the windowpanes.

tap. tap. tap.

it was the sound a rocking chair made, on a hardwood floor, in an unused room....

she tried to outrun the memories, but they were too fast. she felt her control slipping away. with every breath she took, it seemed that time marched on, moved away from her. her youth was leaving her, as impossible to grasp as the air she breathed in her lonely bed at night.

she let out a heavy breath. she'd been a fool to think things would be different here. why would they? memories didn't live on streets or in cities. they flowed in the blood, pulsed with your heartbeat. she'd brought it all with her, every loss and heartache. the weight of it bowed her back, exhausted her.

she climbed the stairs and went into her parents' old bedroom. the sheets and blankets were off the bed, of course, no doubt stored in a box in the closet, and the mattress was dusty, but angie didn't care. she crawled up onto the bed and curled into a ball.

this hadn't been a good idea, after all, coming home. she closed her eyes, listening to the bees buzzing outside her window, and tried to fall asleep.

the next morning, angie woke with the sun. she stared up at the ceiling, watching a fat black wolf spider spinning its web.

her eyes felt gritty and swollen.

once again she'd watered her mattress with memories.

enough was enough.

it was a decision she'd made hundreds of times in the last year. this time she was determined to mean it.

she opened the suitcase, found a change of clothes, and headed for the bathroom. after a hot shower, she felt human again. she brushed her hair into a ponytail, dressed in a pair of faded jeans and a red turtleneck sweater, and grabbed her purse off the kitchen table. she was just about to leave for town when she happened to glance out the window.

outside, mama sat on a fallen log at the edge of the property. she was talking to someone, moving her hands in those wild gestures that had so embarrassed angie in her youth.

no doubt the whole family was arguing about whether angie could be of any use at the restaurant. after last night, she questioned it herself.

she knew that when she stepped out onto the porch, all those voices raised in disagreement would sound like a lawn mower. they would spend an hour arguing over the pros and cons of angie's return.

her opinion would hardly matter.

she paused at the back door, gathering courage. forcing a smile, she opened the door and went outside, looking for the crowd.

there was no one here except mama.

angie crossed the yard and sat down on the log.

"we knew you'd come out sooner or later," mama said.

"we?"

"your papa and me."

angie sighed. so her mother was still talking to papa. grief was something angie knew well. she could hardly blame her mother for refusing to let go. still, she couldn't help wondering if this was something to worry about. she touched her mother's hand. the skin was loose and soft. "so what does he have to say about my being home?"

mama sighed in obvious relief. "your sisters ask me to see a doctor. you ask me what papa has to say. oh, angela, i'm glad you're home." she pulled angie into a hug.

for the first time, mama wasn't dressed to the nines and layered in clothes. she wore only a cable-knit sweater and an old pair of jordache jeans. angie could feel how thin she'd gotten and it worried her. "you've lost more weight," she said, drawing back.

"of course. for forty-seven years i eat dinner with my husband. alone is hard."

"then you and i will eat together. i'm alone, too."

"are you staying?"

"what do you mean?"

"mira thinks you need someone to take care of you and a place to hide out for a few days. running a restaurant in trouble is not easy. she thinks you'll be gone in a day or two."

angie could tell that mira spoke for others in the family, and she wasn't surprised. her sister didn't understand the kind of dreams that sent a girl in search of a different life ... or the heartache that could turn her around and send her home again. the family had always worried that angie's ambition was too sharp somehow, that it would cut her. "what do you think?"

mama bit down on her lip, worried it in a gesture as familiar as the sound of the sea. "papa says he's waited twenty years for you to take over his baby--his restaurant--and he doesn't want anyone to get in your way."

angie smiled. that sounded so much like papa. for a second, she almost believed he was here with them, standing in the shadows of his beloved trees.

she sighed, wishing she could hear his voice again, but there was only the sound of the ocean, roaring up to the sand. she couldn't help thinking about last night and all the tears she'd shed. "i don't know if i'm strong enough yet to help you."

"he loved to sit here and watch the ocean," mama said, leaning against her. "we have to fix those stairs, maria. that's what he said first thing every summer."

"did you hear me? last night ... was hard."

"we made a lot of changes every summer. this place never looked the same two years in a row."

"i know, but--"

"it always started with the one thing. just fixing the stairs."

"just the stairs, huh?" angie said, finally smiling. "the longest journey begins with a single step and all that."

"some sayings are simply true."

"but what if i don't know where to start?"

"you will."

mama put an arm around her. they sat that way a long time, leaning against each other, staring out to sea. finally, angie said, "how did you know i was here, by the way?"

"mr. peterson saw you drive through town."

"and so it begins." angie smiled, remembering the web that connected the residents in this town. once, at the homecoming dance, she'd let tommy matucci put his hands on her butt; the news had reached mama before the dance was over. as a girl, angie had hated that small town feeling. now, it felt good to know that people were looking out for her.

she heard a car drive up. she glanced back at the house. a forest green minivan pulled into the yard.

mira got out of the car. she was wearing a faded pair of denim overalls and an old metallica t-shirt. in her arms were a pile of account books. "no time like the present to get started," she said. "but you better read 'em fast--before livvy realizes they're gone."

"you see?" mama said, smiling at angie. "family will always show you where to begin."

three

adrizzly rain fell on the brick courtyard of fircrest academy, giving everything a shiny, lacquered appearance.

standing beneath the flagpole, lauren ribido looked at her watch for at least the tenth time in as many minutes.

it was six-fifteen.

her mother had promised to be here for the college fair by five-thirty.

she couldn't believe she'd fallen for the pretty promises again. she knew better. happy hour at the tides tavern didn't end until six-thirty.

so why did it still hurt, after all these years? you'd think a heart would grow calluses at some point.

she turned away from the empty road and headed toward the gymnasium. she was almost to the doors when she heard a male voice call her name.

david.

she spun around, already smiling. he got out of the passenger side of a new black cadillac escalade and slammed the door shut with his hip. he was dressed up, wearing blue dockers and a yellow cashmere sweater. even with his blond hair plastered wetly to his head, he was the best-looking guy in school. "i thought you'd be inside already," he said, running up to her.