author: robyn carr

she frowned. "what was more than you could handle?"

"everything. your job, for one thing," he said. "all that undercover crap." he sat back and ran a hand over his bald head. "i was jealous of your mother-she could take it. she was always the strong one, wasn't she? she was excited by it. it drove me crazy. i always worried and those times you were out of touch, i worried more. worry made me so angry! i wanted to be like her but the best i could ever do was say nothing, and i didn't do that very well. then you got shot and i couldn't... i'm sorry, laine. i am proud of you. but i couldn't encourage you. i was scared to death. you've always terrified me...."

"huh?"

"you were so smart, so daring, so...fearless! i had a boy and a girl and it was my girl who wasn't happy unless she was risking her life! pax was smart but methodical. cautious. you? by the time you were twelve you'd broken an arm and an ankle and were lucky it wasn't worse. karate, riding, gymnastics, diving, rock climbing, parasailing, skydiving..." he shook his head. "your mom used to say to me, 'how can the fbi surprise you? it's so in character!' i didn't want to slow you down, laine. i wanted to stop you! i wanted you to stop taking chances so i could take a deep breath."

it all came back to her. her entire life flashed before her eyes. good job, pax! laine, damn it, back away from the edge! excellent showing, pax. laine! if that horse isn't going to make the jump, go around! a good competitor doesn't take unnecessary chances! that's my boy-a-plus! laine! not so fast! not so high! not so wild!

she sighed. fear. could it be as simple as that? well, that and the fact that he could never just be honest and admit he felt helpless and let her reassure him. his ego was so big he could never have admitted that he was just afraid she'd get hurt, which of course she did. instead of being honest, he criticized every move she made. she always felt not good enough and tried even harder, was even more daring.

"i should have just thrown you," she muttered.

"what?" he asked.

"nothing. nothing. for whatever reason, you had no confidence that i knew what i was doing. and i knew what i was doing. i hope we can get past this...."

"please don't lock me away," he said. "please."

"let's not get ahead of ourselves, dad. let's take it one day at a time."

"my mother-i had to put her in a facility for dementia patients. i know it was years ago and they've come a long way since then, but every time i left her after a visit she cried. she begged me to take her home. i've lived in my house for thirty-five years. please don't..."

she stood up from the table. "dad, we're not going to lock you away. right now i'm going to make you a couple of eggs and toast. then we'll call pax-you should talk to him, reassure him you're all right. then we'll head to north bend for some shopping. i'll give you a tour of the area. this is a beautiful place." she patted his hand. "i'll be with you, don't worry."

"did we make up?" he asked.

"we're all made up," she said.

"thank god," he said. "i was afraid that wouldn't happen and it would be too late."

"it's not too late," she assured him.

al was finishing up a late breakfast at the diner when scott grant came in. he sat at the counter next to al and said to gina, "can you screw up some eggs for me? i had a really long night and no breakfast."

"sure. were you at the hospital?"

"i was called in in the middle of the night. there was a fight at an underage party-bunch of eighteen-, nineteen-year-old boys. i was up ordering head cts and sewing all night."

"that's horrible," gina said. "please tell me i didn't know any of them."

he smiled and shook his head. "no thunder point kids."

"that's a relief," she said. "i'll get you a nice big breakfast platter."

al turned to scott. "speaking of thunder point kids, what's going on with the russell kids?"

"don't you see justin almost every day?"

"i do. i see him at work some evenings. but i can tell he doesn't really want to talk about it."

"it's not that so much," scott said. "justin's been trying to stay invisible for the past couple of years. he's been concentrating on holding that family together for as long as possible so he doesn't lose his brothers. he thought if he just made it to eighteen he would be left in charge, but i always warned him it wasn't quite as simple as being old enough. even if he was eighteen or even nineteen, social services might not think of him as the best option. there are special circumstances for family foster care, but all that's irrelevant-he's still just seventeen."

"what is required?" al asked.

"it's pretty simple. for nonfamily members, over twenty-one, self-supporting, no criminal record, pretty standard stuff."

"hmm," he said, thinking. "so what's going on with mrs. russell?"

"her condition is greatly improved and a bed is opening up for her in a facility near coos bay. i could send her home for a few days but i'm holding off on doing that. i don't know how many times those boys can shift gears. she really can't live at home anymore. her symptoms are worsening and soon she'll probably require a feeding tube because swallowing is difficult for her. if we get her good care she'll have decent quality of life. she could live another few months or years. i'm afraid to say, no one knows."

"well, those boys are on their own now," al pointed out.

"not exactly," scott said, lifting his coffee cup. "i'm responsible for them. i check on them a couple of times a day, but that won't work in the long term. their case worker knows i'm holding off their placement while she searches for something close. something here in town. something where at least the two younger boys can be together. i don't think the chances of that are very good."

al thought about this for a moment, sipping his coffee. "you knew justin dropped out of school?"

scott nodded just as he accepted his breakfast plate. gina refilled both their coffees. "he thought he had to," he said. "he had to take care of his mother until he could hand her off to his brothers. hopefully he'll go back...."

"he won't go back," al said. "he's past that now. what about that ged?"

between bites of eggs, scott said, "maybe with his mother taken care of he'll have time for that. justin was a good student but there were only so many hours in the day. maybe he wasn't at the top of his class, but he did just fine for a kid with so much on his plate. he could've gotten into community college, no problem. he's a sharp kid. and he cares about his family."

"what about their father, man?" al asked. "anyone know where he is? because shouldn't he be stepping in now?"

"dhs knows his name and his last known location. but knowing and having his cooperation are two different things."

"now wait-isn't it against the law to abandon your children?"

"depends," scott said. "he and their mother divorced and he gave her custody. they can go after him for back child support but they can't turn him into a father."

"jesus," al said, frustrated. "if you're lucky enough to get some sons, you'd think..." he shook his head. "they're nice boys," he said.

"they're amazing boys," scott agreed. "i spent half the early morning hours patching up a bunch of boys who were out partying while justin was home tucking in his little brothers. and they don't want much, they just want to keep their family together. it's not like any of them were irresponsible-they just got hammered by ms. families coping with ms need a lot of resources. a lot of support."

al thought on this for a while. then he asked, "so, is there a test to be a foster parent?"

"no," scott said. "why? you thinking about it?"

"well, i'm pretty sure i'm not the right kind of person. and i'm not sure what's required."

"a lot of paperwork," scott said with a shrug, concentrating on his breakfast once again.

paperwork, al thought dismally. "forms," he said almost to himself.

scott laughed. "it wouldn't be a government agency if there wasn't a lot of paperwork involved. but i'm sure it's not complicated."

you still have to be able to read the questions and fill in the blanks, al thought. who'd give three kids to a guy who can't fill out a form? "i'm sure i'm not the right kind of guy. i'm not planning on sticking around here long. i like being flexible. you can't be real flexible if you're looking out for a bunch of kids."

"that's true," scott said.

"how long you figure you can hold off the foster home thing?"

scott just shrugged. "another week, probably. i understand where they're coming from, even if it is ridiculous-those boys have been on their own for two or three years and they do a better job running that household than half the adults i know. but when you get down to it, they deserve better. if they're in a decent home, they can relax and be boys. maybe it's the threat of being scattered that keeps 'em in line. or maybe justin is just a natural."

"i think he's just scared to death," al said. "what's he got besides his little family?"

"yeah, i know. well, he might not be eighteen yet but he can probably be emancipated and live on his own. he has a job and is not a student anymore...."

this just sounded worse and worse, al thought. they could take away his brothers and leave him in that house alone. "maybe it'll just be temporary," al said. "he'd be able to get his brothers back once he's legal...."

"maybe. it's just that-"

"what?" al persisted.

scott turned and looked at him. "the glitch is, in order to qualify as a legal guardian or family foster parent, he has to earn a decent living. i'm not sure his work at the station will keep food on the table. in the middle of all this chaos, their mother is going to pass away."

"right," al said. but what he thought was, you're killing me here! how much were those kids supposed to take? he stood up and put his usual ten spot on the counter for his breakfast. "i better think about working. i'll check on them from time to time, as long as i'm here."

"i think i speak for a lot of folks when i say, i hope you're around for a while, al. you've been a good neighbor. personally, i'd hate to see you go."

"that's real nice, doc. i'm restless, that's all. i've been traveling between three or four jobs for the past thirty years or so. it's a hard habit to break. but i always come back. eric is a good employer. i like his shop."

"that's good to know," scott said. "thanks for looking in on the boys now and then. if you have any concerns, give me a call."

"will do," he said.

al went to the station and had a little talk with eric about justin and his brothers. eric was aware of the situation but there was little he could do to help. "i can move him up to full-time. right now that's not his biggest problem, though it will be. he told me he's looking around for a second job. his brothers are in school all day and he's here at night.... i hate to see a kid so young taking all that on, but most of the family men in this town have to take second jobs. it's the way we get by, right?"