no.

he bypassed the spark.

when nox touches me, there's nothing less than the whistling, shrieking explosions of fireworks.

big ones.

the ones they save till the end of the show.

the ones people hang around to get a glimpse of.

seriously.

that good.

my hands clutch at his head, dragging my nails through his short hair, and i pull myself even closer to him. the move places his hard-on right where i need it and i moan again while he groans through our kiss.

i'm desperate for this to happen. tonight is the night.

rubbing my back, he slides his hands lower, places them on my hips and starts a motion, rocking me back and forth as our lips remain connected. rubbing against each other, deeper and harder, my breathing turns heavy, and the flush rises up my neck and onto my cheeks. pulling back from me, he watches me closely.

my eyes flutter.

his eyes darken.

the feeling of prickles in my belly and lower back warn me that something's happening, but before i register what's happening, it hits me, hard and powerful.

digging my fingernails into his scalp, i gasp.

well, this is new!

my heart races and my breathing hitches as my core contracts over and over again. i buck against him moaning long and low. still rigid from the endless pleasure surging through me, he captures my mouth and kisses me hungrily.

mouth on mine, nox whispers, "fucked up, baby."

fucked up?

my heart sinks. this is not going how i planned this going.

i open my mouth, but he speaks again before i get the chance. "i know what you need, baby."

closing my eyes, he lowers his mouth to mine and kisses me fiercely. again and again.

and it's better than good.

it's fucking astounding.

nox

never had something so beautiful so close before. as soon as i walked into the bedroom, i saw the changes i was dreading.

lily.

she finally saw the connection. she finally felt the chemistry. and, clearly braver than i am, she finally decided to risk humiliation to find out if what we have is something worth pursuing.

she's killin' me slowly, and she doesn't even know it.

with every kiss. with every glance of her gorgeous green eyes. with every flip of her kick-ass hair. with every half smile. she's killin' me.

but watching her face as she came apart in my arms?

fuck me.

i'd die a thousand deaths to see it again.

but that's beside the point.

she's in my care. and i'm going to take care of her.

i'm not falling for her. no. i'm not falling.

it's too late to use present tense.

i fell fuckin' hard.

just hope she doesn't figure that out.

right now, though?

i know what she needs.

chapter fourteen

firsts

lily

"oh god!" i almost shriek.

nox's arm tightens over my squirming belly and he lifts his head. "you 'kay?"

lifting my head, panting, i fight the urge to smack him and nod vigorously, "don't stop!" then i push his head back down.

i feel his breath on me as he chuckles soundlessly. his tongue darts out, slowly lapping at my sensitive folds and i die.

i die.

over and over and over again.

okay, so let's rewind here for a minute.

earlier tonight, i laid it out for nox.

honest to god. courage ignited like a spark low in my belly, and i knew tonight was the night.

it was a speak now or forever hold your peace moment.

you could call it a do or die moment.

or even a stop being chickenshit moment.

whatever you want to call it, it hit me like a ton of bricks. something akin to desperation took hold of me and i struggled with it. i fought it hard but it won out.

there's desperation and then there's desperation. holding back was no longer an option.

i want nox. i need nox. and i'll tell you how i know this.

number one, he takes care of me, even though i can be a total shithead. number two, he's been nothing but good to me since our first motel adventure. he even smiles at me now. and it's a nice smile. number three, he trains me like he would anyone else. never treating me like a girl. only as an equal. number four, he took pity on a scared girl and allowed her comfort when she needed it. a huge pro on the list.

number five, every night before we sleep, he spoons me.

that's right. nox spoons.

and while he spoons me, he takes my hand, links our fingers together and holds them to my chest. then, yes then, he buries his face into my hair and he sighs.

and that sigh...

ugh.

that sigh.

it makes my heart flip around in my chest. it makes my nose tingle. it makes me feel beautiful. i've never had that before. okay, so i've never had anyone before. but i'm thinking if a man like nox, gruff and withdrawn, can make a woman feel beautiful with nothing but a breath...

...i'm thinking that's special. it feels special. and special, for me, is rare.

i don't want to miss a second i have with him. and i had to let him know that. so after he let me kiss him, i know he felt what i felt. i know this because he made me come. see, he gave me one of my firsts. and it was amazing. but i secretly want him to have them all. i want that because he's special.

panting hard, my core tightens. gripping the sheets tightly, i try in vain to elevate my hips but he holds me down firmly while torturing me in the best possible way. "easy girl. let it happen."

flushed and demanding, i struggle to be free, but he calms me with a whisper, "got you, baby. come for me."

frustration tears through me, "i can't! it's so close, but i- i- i can't!"

his mouth closes over my ultra-sensitive bud and he sucks. white spots blur my vision. a sob tears out of me as my body trembles and shudders with release. i buck and jerk restlessly, feeling completely out of control. but it's okay.

nox has me.

my body quakes one last time before it becomes limp.

that was completely exhausting.

and totally what i needed.

panting, i allow myself to take in the stillness of the room. i blink slowly, suddenly drowsy, when i feel nox kiss the inside of my thigh and start to rise.

his head ascends and our eyes meet. he sees too much with those eyes.

it's suddenly too much.

i'm overwhelmed.

i swallow hard. blinking rapidly, i whisper through quivering lips, "never had special before."

nox watches me carefully, not revealing what he's thinking.

never revealing what he's thinking.

a second before i fall apart, his hand wraps around my ankle and he pulls me down the length of the bed. catching me in his strong arms, he sits on the floor at the foot of the bed, pulling me into his lap. he cradles me and now it really becomes too much.

shoving my face into his neck, gut-wrenching sobs break free from somewhere deep in my heart. "you don't even know what you've done to me. and that really sucks because you're so fucking great, and you don't even know that." shuddering breaths, then, "and it hurts to feel this much now because it shows me what a goddamn, shitty life i've been living." i pause, then whisper, "you're really amazing, nox."

what i don't add is, 'and i'm in love with you.'

nox doesn't coo. he doesn't tell me everything will be alright. he doesn't pretend i'm not a mess. but he does let me cry it out. and once i'm done covering his neck in tears and snot, he lifts my sorrow-weakened body.

yes. sorrow.

sorrow is what you feel when you mourn. and i'm mourning my life.

my wasted life.

"god, i'm a blubbering mess," i mutter as he places a strong arm around my waist, supporting me as he walks me into the bathroom.

nox turns on the shower, then moves to stand in front of me. my blurry eyes search his face, those icy-blue eyes warmer than i've ever seen. without a word, his fingers grip the bottom of my tank and he lifts it over my head, throwing it to the side. he doesn't remove his boxers. taking my hand, he links our fingers and leads me to the shower.

making sure he hits the water first, he pulls me under the warm spray, careful not to wet my hair, and we stand there for a long while.

emotionally exhausted, i don't utter a word of complaint as he begins to wash me. running his soapy hands all over. his palms slide down my neck as he carefully washes my breasts, lightly running his thumbs over my nipples. my eyes flutter as they tighten, craving more of his attention. we never take our eyes off each other's.

this is not a sexy moment.

it's a beautiful moment.

all cried out, i lose myself in the feel of his hands as one slips between my legs to cleanse the sensitive flesh there. slowly but carefully, he works his hands, expertly caressing the globes of my ass and back up to the small mounds that are my breasts.

we rinse, step out and i stand on the mat as nox dries me off.

wearing only a towel, he wraps an arm around my shoulder leading me back to bed. i lie by my lonesome, but watch as he turns his back to me and removes his wet boxers. he towels himself off before stepping into a dry pair of shorts.

walking with a purpose, he climbs into bed, laying his head down on the feather pillow. i try to turn, as per our usual spooning routine, but he stops me with a strong hand on my towel covered hip. his firm hand softens, he gently opens the towel revealing my nakedness but i don't flush.

it's too late for flushing. my body knows those hands. they're imprinted all over me. gripping my hips, he pulls me forward until my nipples brush his firm chest.

lifting my face, i whisper, "say something. you're freakin' me out."

his lips twitch and his eyes crinkle at the corners. lowering his face to mine, he kisses me softly and i sigh, kissing him back just as softly. against my lips, he mutters, "goodnight, lily."

then he lifts his chin, tucks my head under, and sighs that special sigh.

feeling around, i find his hand, link our fingers and follow him into a restful sleep. i silently pray that tonight is not a dream.

because if it is, i don't want to wake up.

warmth on my neck wakes me. insistent lips kiss me wetly from under my ear to the base of my throat. a mewing sound escapes me as i stretch my arms over my head, trying to break my sleep.

a growling response comes from nox, and subconsciously i wrap my arms around his head, his lips at my throat. not having opened my eyes yet, i lift my neck providing him better access. his mouth travels down my chest and into the valley between my breasts. wet warmth covers my nipple and rips a gasp from me. my core contracts as he suckles me.

holy shit!

unable to stop myself, i reach down, scraping my fingernails on his stomach, down lower until i come into contact with something incredibly hard, long, and warm. he growls into my breast, never removing his mouth. open palmed, i rub him over his boxers.

but it's just not enough. i need to feel him.

placing my palm on his abs, i trail down his stomach and into his boxers. as soon as my fingers brush the head of his hard length, he releases my nipple with a pop. squeezing his eyes shut, he mutters, "fuck me. fuck me. goddamn."

wrapping my hand firmly around it, i'm shocked at the feel of him. i didn't expect him to be so big or warm, or hard, yet smooth at the same time.

it feels good.

not quite sure what to do, i beg quietly, "please. show me how to do this."

clearly not needing me to ask again, he reaches down, wraps his hand tighter around mine on his erection, and shows me how he likes to be stroked. up and down, nice and slow.

i watch his face. looking almost pained, he makes a choked sound. i stroke him harder and faster. breathing heavily, he murmurs, "fuck. jesus. lily. baby."

"kiss me."

his hand shoots out, fingers tangling in my hair as he plants brutal, deep, bruising kisses onto my mouth. kissing him back, i whimper when he catches my bottom lip between his teeth. both my hands on him, i continue to stroke him and i feel his length harden even more. his stomach clenches. he groans, biting down on my bottom lip harder. i mew and his groan turns into a growl.

growling, he releases my bottom lip but holds me by the back of the head tightly, as if i would escape him.

yeah. 'cause that'll happen.

not!

our mouths open, we breathe into each other, making desperate pleas through growls and moans. nox reaches down quickly, holding my hand still under his. his blue eyes widen; he stops breathing a moment before his hips jerk uncontrollably. he thrusts fitfully into my tight grip and he groans through his release. my hands suddenly coated in something wet, sticky, and warm. i can't take my eyes off him.

oh wow.

oh wow.

that was...wow.

"whoa," i whisper.

he closes his eyes and i feel him deflate in my hands. it's a weird feeling! still breathing heavily, he opens his eyes and looks at me. a small smile tugs at my lips and i'm suddenly giddy.

bunching my nose, i squish my face and say through a stupid smile, "good morning."

he blinks, still looking either half asleep or exhausted from his release, peeking through one eye. he catches my smile and chuckles, "fucking great morning, princess."

oh, i like that.

"so you're talking to me again?"

brows furrowing, he says, "come again?"

unsure of myself, i say quietly, "it's just that last night you didn't say a word to me. but i know i was in a scary bad mood, so i just thought i'd tell you that it won't happen again, and i'm sorry for ruining a really great night."

the air is sucked out of the room. nox's body goes rigid against mine. looking up into his face, my eyes widen.

shit.

he's pissed. jaw tight, the vein in his temple throbs as he glares at me through narrowed and icy-cold eyes.

he's not pissed. he's livid.

why do i have to open my big mouth? it was such a good morning!