i didn't obey, frozen with trepidation. this can't be happening. not to me. but it was happening, and i was unable to stop it. i whined, pulling my head back against his hand. he grew further agitated when i drew my hands up, touching his wrists.

"no-o-o," he said softly, as if reproving a child. my hands shook badly and my knees felt as though they might buckle. he tightened his grip in my hair, forcing my head up. i closed my eyes even tighter as soft, tearless sobs broke past my lips. i was treading the thin line of his patience while falling off the thin line of my sanity. he leaned in, kissed my cheek, then the nape of my neck. i sighed fretfully, pulled away, but i wasn't getting anywhere. he touched my lips with his thumb, trying to hush my sobs and whimpers.

"where is all your bravery now pet? no clawing, no hissing? where's my tough girl?"

my heart sank into my stomach. i had no idea where my bravery had gone. had i ever really been brave? i don't think so. i never had to be brave. i settled for being invisible, the person behind the camera. how i wished i could be invisible now.

my voice was gone, strangled by the magnitude of the moment. i was in the grips of a panic attack when he let me go. i slid to the floor, covering my face with my hands as i told myself repeatedly, i am not here. this is a dream, a horribly fantastic dream. any moment now, i'm going to wake up. i brought my knees to my chest and rocked back and forth. the mantra just made it seem more real.

i didn't cry when he picked me up. i knew it was coming. i felt hollow, as if my body were merely a shell holding my broken soul inside it. he carried me toward the bed, effortlessly standing me in front of it. slowly, my eyes lost focus, as if my brain had begun shut down procedures. i simply stood, waiting. he swept my hair over my left shoulder, standing close behind me. i could feel his c**k against me, hard, foreboding. he kissed my neck again.

"no," i pleaded, voice cracking. so this was what i sounded like, completely desolate. "please...no."

his soft laugh fluttered against my neck. "that's the first polite thing you've said." he wrapped his arms around me as he spoke in my ear, "it's only a pity you haven't learned to speak properly. feel free to try again, this time say, 'please no, master'. can you do that?"

i wanted to cry, i wanted to scream, i wanted to do anything but what he asked. i stayed silent.

"or maybe," he licked my ear, "you need a push."

he stepped away from me abruptly, leaving my back open to the chilled air. i sunk to the floor, balling the comforter into knots as i pressed my forehead against it. he crouched behind me, rubbing my back. the will to fight him swelled inside me and, although i knew what i was getting into, i couldn't stop myself. i threw my elbow back, hitting him in the shins. pain shot through my elbow, and i couldn't move for a few seconds. shins of steel.

"there's my tough girl," he said coldly. grabbing a handful of my hair, he dragged me from the bed. i screamed wildly, digging my nails into his hand trying to get loose, but all my struggling was for naught. it was over before it began as he rolled me over onto my face and dug his knee between my shoulder blades. i was pinned. defeated.

"i hate you!" i roared. "i hate you, you horrible son of a bitch!"

"i suppose it's lucky for me that i don't care," he said, pitilessly, "i'll tell you what does bother me; you still haven't learned any manners. you could've gone easy, pet, but i must confess..." i felt his breath on the side of my face, "i like it better this way." he reached for something on the bed above us. i strained to see what it was, but his knee dug into me savagely.

he labored to grab hold of my wrists, but quickly caught them both firmly in his left hand as he tied them together with soft cord, almost like silk. i cried as i struggled under him, still trying vainly to get away.

i shut out any idea of the pain, of him tearing through my innocence, decimating my body. the eventual degradation, the afterglow of shame. this was better i supposed. i preferred him sick, twisted, and sadistic. it made it easier to define how i felt toward him. gone were the images of the gorgeous angel sent down to save me. i had no business dreaming of his blue-green eyes, or the way his golden hair would feel in my hands. even the smell of him would make me sick now. at least this way we would both recognize this for what it was, rape, not seduction, not the fantasy. there was no confusion. he was only the monster now. just another monster.

he pulled me off the floor by my wrists and in one quick movement hoisted my wrists over one of the bedposts until i stood precariously on tiptoe. i hung there on display; my body stretched tightly-everything exposed, my breath short. he grabbed my face roughly, "you know what your problem is pet? you haven't learned to choose wisely. dinner could have gone differently, but you chose this."

i had some smart-ass comment on the tip of my tongue. words that would make him as angry as i was terrified, but then he kissed me. the kiss was violent, possessive, meant to lay waste to that comment right where it lay. there was no tongue; he was too smart for that, just the hard press of his full lips against mine. it was over before i had a chance to react.

he went to the cart where the food had been and riffled through a black bag. my eyes widened. where the hell did that come from? nothing in life is as ominous as a black bag, a black bag means business. a black bag means planning, preparation, thoughtful packing. i suddenly felt very light headed.

he returned with several items, smiling at me as though all this were normal. he set the items on the bed with care and due diligence. a leather collar was lifted for me to see; a wide leather band with a small metal loop on each end, one of which had a small lock attached to it and a key. the collar also featured a small loop in the front. he put the collar around my neck quickly. once secured, it put pressure on my throat. he dangled the key in front of my eyes before placing it on the nightstand. there was a long chain, similar to one used to walk a dog, but with a clasp on each end. he placed the chain over the bedpost making a loud clanking sound that startled me into screaming, and then fixed both clasps to the loop at the front of the collar. i had to look up at the ceiling to keep from feeling strangled. it became difficult to breathe the harder i cried, so i stopped, but the tears continued to fall down my face, making puddles in the crevasse of my ear.

please. don't. don't do this. i wanted to say the words out loud. to beg him. but i couldn't form words anymore. i was too scared, and too angry, and too...prideful. all the things i should have done came all at once. more sobs.

he ran his hands down my arms and massaged my br**sts in his hands; my body trembled, my ni**les peaked. two thick leather wrist straps replaced the ribbon, fashioned very similarly to the collar around my neck, small chain links dangling on each end that could be locked together. he unhooked the chain from my collar to turn me around. i was relieved to be able to breathe. i didn't much care that it was now being attached to the links of the wristbands. i had more freedom to move now, the chain had more slack and i could put my feet squarely on the ground. my forearms were pushed together, and then tied to the bedpost in front of me. this position made it completely impossible for me to move away from him, my arm muscles tensed under the strain. i was really scared now; i couldn't hide it. he had me and only he knew what that meant.

he stood back, presumably to assess me, or perhaps he was just admiring his work. either way, his actions filled me with a sense of impending finality. i had challenged him and he had accepted. i stood facing the bed, my arms laced to the bedpost from wrist to elbow. i wore nothing but the mockingly sexy under things he had picked out.

"spread your legs," he said evenly. when i didn't, he came up close behind me insinuating himself between my legs. i let out a stunned yelp when his left hand cupped me between my legs. i tried to pull away. useless.

"if you don't start doing what i say, i'm going to open up that little pu**y of yours with my entire hand. you understand?" his voice was level but firm. his question was not a question at all, but a reinforcement of his threat.

i whimpered loudly, but i nodded my head.

"good pet, now let's have what i asked for."

he stood back once more and waited. slowly i opened my legs, wider, and wider until he told me to stop. "now move your hips back toward me."

as i did as he instructed i rested my head in the crook of my bound arms.

"are you ready?" he asked, pausing for the desired effect.

"fuck you," i whispered, trying to hide my fear.

the first blow struck me on the calves, flashing through my mind as a blinding white light. my mouth opened in a scream that was devoid of sound. i was most certainly not f**king ready for that! frantically, i tried to look behind me. there was a belt in his hand. the scream that had been struggling to come out of my chest finally burst out.

the second lick of the belt overlapped the first, coming so fast i couldn't have expected it. my knees buckled, swinging my body toward the bedpost in front of me. my pubic bone struck the post. i wailed in pain, choking on my tears.

"straighten your legs," he boomed. "if you black out, i'll only revive you."