"when i'm really frustrated with things," she giggles "...i like to get online and change things in wikipedia!"

this, bitch...is weird.

"i once made up a whole entry based on someone called, the christmas amoeba. you see, i'm not much of a baker and i made these holiday cookies for the people at the office. they came out horribly deformed. they tasted fine, mind you, but they were misshapen. not a round cookie in the bunch."

i look at her octopus sweater. i'm fairly sure nothing this woman does with her hands is meant for people to see, let alone consume.

"so i left a note next to the cookies. it was a story explaining how a small village near k2.... you know that big mountain, right?" she looks at me to make sure i'm following along.

i lie down on my bed and huff at the ceiling. where the hell is the nurse with my drugs?

"anyway, they made a movie about it. not my cookies," she cackles, so f**king amused with herself, "...the mountain. can you imagine if they made a movie about my cookies? so, i made up this story about how this village near k2 celebrates someone called the christmas amoeba instead of santa claus. he sneaks in undetected - amoebas are microscopic, so it stands to reason someone who's an amoeba would be very stealthy - on christmas eve and leaves presents for everyone. in return, the people of the village leave a variety of oddly shaped cookies for the amoeba to eat. amoeba's come in a variety of shapes, so it makes sense."

she can't see my face, so i don't feel like a traitor for smiling at this preposterous woman's story.

"well, the people in my office are just sticklers for the truth. you know, everything must be verified, blah, blah, blah. so sure enough, they do a google search and - boom - up pops my entry on wikipedia about the christmas amoeba."

she dissolves into peals of laughter.

oh my god, she really is crazy. i bite the inside of my cheeks to keep from laughing. she is laughing so hard. it's infectious, but i resist it. my shoulders are trembling with withheld laughter. i shut my eyes to assist in the effort.

caleb is there the moment i shut my eyes.

joy turns to grief and before i can control it, my emotions just spill over. i open my eyes and bolt up in my bed. i laugh for a second before i burst into tears.

i can hear dr. sloan moving. her steps are coming toward me, cautiously. i don't care. i'm too tired to care. after so many months of being careful, and hiding every emotion as best i can, and fearing the future, and not knowing what's going to happen next, and thinking i might die, and fighting for my life, and hating caleb, and loving him....

for f**ksake - i watched a man die!

when dr. sloan silently puts her arms around me, i crush her to my body. i hold on to her with all my remaining strength. i cry all over this ridiculous f**king woman.

she doesn't say a word and i'm grateful. please, just hold me. please, just hold me together.

i'm so tired of holding myself together.

she rocks me.

i rather like rocking.

back and forth we sway for endless minutes while i cry and sob all over dr. sloan's suit jacket. she smells nice. her scent is light and almost fruity. it is distinctly feminine and therefore, far removed from caleb. with this feminine scent saturating my nostrils, my brain cannot connect to memories of caleb and the way he smelled when he held me. it feels nice, being free of the pain of missing him.

reluctantly, i pull away from her. i am still humming with shame. i don't know what's come over me. i wrinkle my brow in confusion and shake my head.

caleb's scowling face is staring up at me from the photograph in my lap. i feel a pang of longing. dr. sloan pushes my hair from my face and i can't help but think of it in a sexual way. in another time, i'd have thought nothing of it, but now all my interactions seem tainted by my newfound lust. caleb trained me well.

"i want to help you, livvie. talk to me," she says, softly. i know she doesn't want to startle me, but already, i feel the tension creeping back into my shoulders. she's standing too close and the fact she's talking to me makes me feel cornered.

she must be able to tell, because she backs up. i relax, just a little.

"i would like to see the charges against you dropped, but you have to talk to someone. agent reed is..." she searches for the word she wants to use, "very good at his job, and despite his behavior yesterday, he's a great guy. however, his first priority is solving his case. my first priority is you. he shouldn't have pushed you the way he did."

i look up at her from beneath my lashes. i wish she would hold me again

"i'd like a lawyer," i whisper.

"of course. if you're ready to talk, i'll find a lawyer for you. but, livvie, the things you need to talk about go far beyond the legal charges. i'm here to help you with that."

i nod, but say nothing else.

dr. sloan returns to her chair and sits. she looks at me expectantly with her green eyes. she's pretty, in a very down-played sort of way. with her red hair, the brown suit she is wearing does her no favors. still, there is something about her, something warm and pleasant.

when it becomes obvious i won't be the one to keep our little conversation going, she reaches for her knitting and resumes the mindless design.

dr. sloan presses her lips together, searching for words.

"do you want to see your mother?"

i don't hesitate. "no."

she stops knitting. "livvie, the people who love you, accept you for who you truly are. no matter what has happened to you."

"well there you go. my mother doesn't love me, dr. sloan. she wants to love me, i think, but...i just don't think she does."

she nods, but i can tell she doesn't believe me. what would she know?

"i think your mother loves you a great deal."

i stare down at my picture of caleb. i thought he loved me. could it be the one person i discounted, loves me more than the one i trusted completely? my heart aches. it's a question i am not prepared to have answered.

slowly, i crawl under my covers. i want to go back to sleep. i want to be with caleb again. in my dreams, there is never a reason to doubt my heart. in my dreams, he is everything i want him to be. he is mine.

as if on cue, dr. sloan stops asking me emotionally charged questions and once again regales me with tales of free-form knitting and interpretative taxidermy.

chapter five

day 8:

i'm feeling somewhat better today. i still miss caleb, i don't think the feeling will ever go away, but i can get through several minutes without wanting to break down and weep for him; it's progress. dr. sloan says one day i'll make it to an hour...a day - but that's as far as i let myself hope. the thought of one day not thinking of him at all is just too much for me. it feels like a betrayal to ever hope for such things.

once again, i am sitting in the dreadfully cheery room they use to interrogate kindergarteners. this time, i don't have to do very much talking. i have a lawyer to do it for me. he and agent reed have been battling it out for the last hour. david, my lawyer, isn't much to look at, but he's very smart and incredibly aggressive. there's something super hot about watching the two of them argue...or maybe i just like reed when he's unsettled.

his hair is somewhat disheveled from where he's run his fingers through it so many times to keep from punching david in his face. every now and again, his eyes flick to me and i feel a dark thrill just thinking about what he'd like to do to me if only he could. if he were caleb, i would assume a spanking is most certainly in order!

"when exactly did you imagine yourself as...? my lover?" my heartbeat vibrated my skull. "was it the first time i made you come with my mouth? or one of the many times since, that i've put you over my knee? you seem to like that."

and there he is - caleb, in my thoughts, in my blood. i can feel my face getting warmer, my stomach getting tighter and already there is the drumbeat of my arousal pulsing between my legs. i squeeze them together and get so lost in my thoughts it takes me a second to realize reed is still staring at me. when our eyes finally meet, i blush - hard. i smile when he blushes too.

agent reed clears his throat and takes a drink of water. it's enough to bring back his control. i sigh through my disappointment.

"agent reed," david says, reclaiming reed's attention, "my client is being held on ridiculous charges that would never stand up in court. she was living with her mother and attending high school at the time of her kidnapping. even though she's eighteen, the u.s. attorney would be hard pressed to try her as an adult. if she's considered a minor and involved in a human trafficking case, under section 107 of the trafficking victims protection act of 2000, she's protected from the fbi's tactics of investigation. there's no point in us even sitting here. i should be talking to the u.s. attorney, not you."

reed does not look happy, but he doesn't look beat either. "your client has two-hundred-fifty-thousand dollars in a foreign bank account. how did it get there? she won't say. also, she's been living with suspected terrorists. she's admitted to it. then, there's the small matter of her knowledge of a meeting between enemies of the united states taking place in less than a week! we need information and her refusal to give it qualifies as an obstruction of justice -"