"awesome!" i say, surprised by the gesture.

sloan smiles at me, warmly. "i know how you love the hospital food, but i figured you might appreciate some greasy burgers and fries instead." my stomach growls in response and sloan lifts a smug eyebrow. "agent reed, i know you try to stay away from the junk, so i brought you a grilled chicken salad. i hope that's okay."

i take the bag from sloan and set it on the rolling bed tray so i can get to my damn burger. otherwise, i might try to eat through the bag. i reach in and grab the loose fries at the bottom and shove them into my mouth.

"hawt! hawt!" i say, but i keep chewing the salty deliciousness in my mouth. to hell with first degree burns, the fries are amazing! i'm so busy stuffing my face with loose fries it takes me a moment to realize no one else is talking. i look up and see reed and sloan are having some sort of awkward staring contest. i think reed is losing. interesting.

reed finally clears his throat and looks toward his briefcase. "actually, i have to go. i have some emails to answer and some calls i have to make. um, thank you, though - for the food." reed begins gathering his things in a hurried fashion. i've never seen him so...flustered, i guess is the word.

curiouser and curiouser.

"matthew," sloan begins and falters when reed stops gathering his things just long enough to glare at her. she holds up her hands. "agent reed, i can't think of anything so time sensitive it can't wait until after you've had dinner."

reed sighs deeply, but doesn't stop getting his papers together. "thank you for the food, dr. sloan. i don't mean to be rude or sound ungrateful, but i really do have work to do. and yes, it is time sensitive. offices in pakistan should be opening soon and they have information i need."

sloan falters, pursing her lips briefly. "oh. i didn't realize. i'm sorry."

no one even notices i'm here in the room and i feel like a voyeur. fascinating! i think of felipe and celia's little surveillance hobby and blush. whatever is going on between sloan and reed really isn't my business.

"here!" i say loudly, letting them know they are being watched. i raise reed's salad triumphantly, and eat the loose fries on the lid. "you can take it with you."

sloan gives me a grateful smile, as though relieved i broke their uneasy connection. she reaches for the container and takes it from my hand. "yes, please take the salad. you have to eat something."

reed looks at the salad as if he's never eaten one before, then at sloan and me. he is angry, and it has nothing to do with anything. he is just pissed off. he wants to be angry at sloan, but she hasn't given him a reason, hasn't said or done anything revolting. still, he's choosing to be angry with her. finally, he sets his briefcase down on his chair and takes the container. "thank you," he says.

"you're welcome," sloan says, in that soft way caleb would use on me when he was feeling fanciful. sloan watches reed's face, and then her gaze skids away when he glances at her and quickly averts his eyes.

ooooh...she likes him. it surprises me and yet not. i tend to see dr. sloan and agent reed as robots, like they have no lives. it's interesting to see them in a new way.

reed's face looks a little red. i can't believe he's blushing. he actually looks adorable. i don't want him to leave. i want to sit on my bed and watch the two of them squirm under my scrutiny. i mean really...it's only fair.

"come on, reed, stay." i pat the spot at the foot of my bed, grinning. he looks at me silently. if looks could kill... "you said you'd listen to the rest of my story remember?"

"i really can't, miss ruiz," he says, "but i'll be back later. in the meantime," he opens his briefcase and removes his recorder, "tape it for me?"

sloan takes the recorder and nods, carefully not looking at anything. "of course."

reed nods tightly and closes his briefcase again before practically running from the room. i really can't believe what i've just seen.

"what the hell's going on between you two," i ask sloan around a mouthful of fries. she turns her head away from the door and looks at me, startled. i wiggle my eyebrows and she laughs.

"nothing, livvie. nothing at all," she says, her voice shaky. "now stop eating my fries and give me those." she reaches into the bag and takes out a burger and a container of fries before she sits in reed's former seat.

"mmm," she says when she pops a fry into her mouth.

"mmm," i mimic and do the same. when i'm done swallowing, i jump straight to the good stuff. "so...did you really come to see me or agent reed?"

sloan smiles and shakes her head. her mouth is full, but she tries to answer me anyway. "you, of course."

"liar," i tease.

sloan shrugs. "i'm not here to talk about reed."

"don't you mean...matthew?"

"livvie," she says in warning.

"janice," i say sarcastically. "come on, sloan. i've been telling you both some pretty deep shit. i think i'm entitled to a distraction and some gossip. reed's hot. i understand."

"there's nothing to tell," she insists, but she's getting pink in the face. no matter the age, what i feel is universal. you can't fight who you're attracted to. sometimes, fate gets it right, and then makes you pay for it.

"whatever. i know something's going on. caleb used to get upset when i'd use his name in front of other people, but, in private? whole other story. i saw reed's face when you called him matthew. he was giving you the business."

sloan chokes on her burger and greedily takes a sip from her drink to clear it. "livvie!"

"fine, fine," i say and pick up my burger, so disappointed. the burger is so greasy and i can already feel the grease running through my veins. i moan as i chew. "you don't have to tell me, as long as you bring me another one of these tomorrow."

"deal," sloan says and takes another bite.

we eat in companionable silence for several minutes. the occasional moan and gluttonous eye roll as our only means of communication.

afterward, sloan and i talk about how i'm feeling. fine. she asks if i might be ready to talk to my mother. no. definitely, not.

"what could be the harm?" sloan asks. "she misses you very much."

i look down into my lap. i'm not sad. i'm embarrassed to look sloan in the eye and admit the truth. "i want her to suffer."

sloan is quiet.

"the last few months have been awful," i continue, "i've been beaten, humiliated, and forced into situations no person should ever have to suffer." i pause, brooding and getting angry at my mother. "still, i'd live it all again, if i could change the past eighteen years with my mother. i spent so much time already, trying to make her love me, understand me. i spent so much time giving a f**k about what she thought. i'm done, sloan. i'm done caring. it's time for me to live my own life, my own way and i don't want her to be a part of it."

"what is your way?" sloan asks. there is no emotional quality to her voice. if she's judging me, i can't tell. if she agrees with me, it's also a mystery.

"i don't know. i have no idea who i'm supposed to be anymore. i only know i don't want to be who someone else thinks i should be."

"good," sloan says.

sloan and i talk for a while longer before i tell her i'm tired and want to lie down. i let her hug me goodbye and perhaps...i hold on to her for just a little longer than i intended. sloan doesn't seem to mind.

once she's gone, i turn down the lights and get in bed with reed's recorder. i turn it on and start talking.

another surge of electricity pumped through me. i was starved for release. i screamed behind my gag and struggled against my tethers, but all it did was heighten my suffering. i lifted my ass, trying to find a way to move and create enough friction to send me into orgasm, but it was crushingly useless. i whimpered and let the tears flow when the pulsing stopped. the door opened and a sigh of relief swept through me. caleb had finally come back to end my suffering. i knew he would.

he approached me slowly and i made soft, pleading sounds to beg him to make it stop. as if reading my mind, his warm hand cupped my face and i inclined toward it, pressing my wet cheek against his wrist and crying pitifully. had i been able to see, perhaps i would've been more embarrassed and prideful. instead, i was simply lost in my misery and eager to be free of it.

his hand traveled down my neck and chest as another pulse hit me. i arched. i wanted to come, no - i needed to come. the table shook as i struggled. caleb's hand caressed the soft flesh under my breast which only made it more intense. i only needed a little more, just a little more. it stopped. i cried harder.

i pleaded behind the gag, but caleb said nothing. instead, his hands cupped both my br**sts and then pulled the clamps off my ni**les slowly. blood rushed to my ni**les and i screamed behind the gag. it hurt, but it also made me ache for more. he massaged my br**sts and i almost cooed as i tried to press more of myself into his hands. abruptly, the warmth of his mouth kissed around my left breast and the soft tickle of his hair caressed my chest.