at the bottom of the stairs, larry rested his hand on her shoulder. without thinking, shirley turned into his embrace and slipped her arms around his neck. as she knew he would, as she'd hoped and prayed, larry kissed her. this was the first time another man had touched her like this since she'd lost her husband. she'd avoided anything physical with the few men she'd dated, fearing the rush of guilt she knew she'd experience. she felt none of that when larry kissed her. no guilt, no dread. just peace. and happiness.

after several kisses, she buried her face against his throat.

"after we met, that night you came to my show, i had to see you again," he confessed in a husky whisper. "manny's exhibit in seattle was a convenient excuse."

"can you make up more excuses?"

larry's collarbone vibrated slightly against her cheek as he chuckled. "i think i'll have to."

"you felt it, too?" she asked, already knowing his answer. the attraction was there from the moment will jefferson had introduced them.

"oh, yeah..."

shirley heard the front door open and close. tanni was home.

larry dropped his arms and stepped away.

"mom?"

it was unusual for tanni to seek her out; generally her daughter retreated immediately to her bedroom.

"down here," she called. "that's my daughter," she explained unnecessarily.

they started up the stairs, and when tanni saw larry with her mother, she raised questioning eyes to shirley.

"tanni, this is my friend larry knight."

her daughter's face instantly warmed as she recognized the name. tanni pumped his hand as if she expected it to spout water. "it is a real pleasure to make your acquaintance," she said in an oddly formal fashion, hardly sounding like herself. "i can't thank you enough for everything you've done for shaw, and for me, too."

"happy to," larry said. when tanni released his hand, he turned to shirley. "i'd better get back to seattle. i'm flying out early."

shirley hated to see him go. she walked him to the door in silence.

"i'll call you," he promised.

"please." she vowed she'd sit by the phone until she heard from him. until they talked again she couldn't allow herself to believe any of this was real. she watched him return to the car, watched it leave, before she found the strength to face her daughter.

"he's nice, isn't he?" tanni said reverently.

"he's wonderful." the word was inadequate to describe him and the way he made her feel.

tanni gave her a speculative look and shirley thought maybe she'd said too much.

"are you falling for him, mom?"

shirley couldn't lie. "i think i might be. truthfully, it's all a little soon...and a little scary."

"it is. i know how i felt when i fell in love with shaw. my stomach felt weird all the time and i didn't want to eat and all i could think about was him." as she spoke, tanni's eyes filled with tears.

instinctively shirley opened her arms. tanni walked into them and laid her head against her mother's shoulder.

"what's wrong, baby?" shirley asked softly as she stroked her daughter's hair.

tanni broke away. "i can't stand it when i cry," she muttered angrily. she scrubbed roughly at her face as though to punish herself for being so weak.

"it's shaw, isn't it?"

tanni nodded.

they went into the kitchen and sat on adjoining stools. shirley waited for tanni to get control of her emotions. after all these months of dealing with her daughter's contentious attitude, she was grateful that tanni had confided in her.

"i hate myself," tanni blurted out.

shirley wanted to argue and demand tanni never say anything like that again. instead, she held back and composed herself before responding.

"why?" she asked simply.

"i hate how i act when i don't hear from shaw. i text him and if he doesn't immediately text me back, then i accuse him of seeing other girls and we argue. i knew everything would change when he went to san francisco. he said it wouldn't, but it has."

"shaw is changing."

tanni bowed her head. "he makes me crazy. i hate the things i say and do. i want to believe he still loves me, but deep down i don't think he does."

"has he met someone else?"

again, she nodded, her head down, her chin almost against her neck.

wanting to comfort her, shirley leaned over and placed one arm around her daughter's shoulders. "it's hard to let go of the people we love. even when we have to."

"i don't want to lose him!"

"of course you don't."

"i see girls behave like this at school and i look at them with disgust."

"see them do what, exactly?" shirley asked. "you mean the texting?"

"that's part of it. they hang on to their old boyfriends. they're so clingy and weak, and now i feel like one of them and i hate it. i hate myself," she said, choking back a sob.

"oh, tanni."

"i know i shouldn't text shaw, but i can't make myself stop." she looked at her mother tearfully. "take my cell phone away."

"do you mean that?"

"no," she cried, and followed that with a tremulous smile.

they hugged, and then tanni surprised her. "thanks, mom," she whispered as she slid off the stool.

by monday evening shirley understood her daughter's angst much more clearly. she hadn't heard from larry since he'd dropped her off. all of sunday night she'd waited for the phone to ring. nothing. she considered calling him, but decided against it.

early tuesday afternoon, tanni answered the door to a lovely floral arrangement that was being delivered.

she carried it into the kitchen, where shirley was preparing a curried chicken salad.

"they're for you," her daughter announced.

shirley wiped her hands down the front of her jeans and reached for the card. tanni watched as shirley tore open the envelope and silently read the message. "thank you for a lovely day. larry."

"they're from larry, aren't they?" her daughter asked.

shirley nodded and felt an overwhelming wave of sadness.

tanni frowned. "you don't seem happy that he sent you flowers."

shirley gave what she hoped was an indifferent shrug as she dropped the card on the kitchen counter. "he doesn't want to see me again. flowers are a man's way of saying goodbye." all the ecstatic feelings she'd experienced after their time together had turned into mere fantasy. because she'd been so attracted to larry, she'd made the wrong assumptions about his feelings for her. she was just another in a long list of women who'd do anything to date him.

"he doesn't want to see you again?" tanni asked incredulously. "and he let you know by sending you flowers? i don't get it."

shirley nodded again as she struggled to deal with her disappointment. "yes." she felt as if a thick fog had descended.

"that's ridiculous," tanni insisted.

shirley knew otherwise. larry knight was an important artist, a celebrity in constant demand. he lived and worked in california and with his busy promotion and travel schedule he must've realized how difficult maintaining a relationship would be. she'd wondered when she hadn't heard from him and now she had her answer. not that she blamed him; a long-distance romance would be impossible. besides, she'd probably just been a weekend's entertainment to him, not someone he'd taken seriously....

rather than let tanni see how depressed she felt, shirley managed to swallow a few bites of dinner. that evening she sat in front of the television, mindlessly watching a rerun of a reality show, too disheartened to do anything but stare at the screen.

her head whirled with emotions she didn't want to confront. if tanni had asked her about the program, shirley wouldn't have been able to give her a single detail.

the phone rang, and she didn't even bother to look at caller id. she couldn't see any reason to torture herself. besides, tanni would grab it fast enough.

ten minutes later, her daughter wandered casually into the living room, arms swinging at her sides. "that man who wants to cut off his relationship with you is on the line."

shocked to the very core of her being, shirley nearly fell off the sofa. "larry?"

tanni grinned. "he's really nice, mom. i like him. we talked."

larry had spoken with her daughter for ten minutes?

"i asked him about shaw, and he said he checked and shaw's doing really well at the art institute." her smile revealed her pain. "i'm glad for him. i mean that."

shirley knew what it had cost her daughter to make that statement.

"mom, answer the phone," tanni teased. "you don't want to keep larry waiting."

tanni was right. feeling better than she had in days, shirley picked up the phone.

twenty-three

tanni bliss parked in the lot adjacent to the library-and did a competent job of it, too. at least in her own opinion. having her driver's license had made a big difference to her life. it meant freedom! her mom had been pretty good about letting her take the car, too, especially if it involved her work at the library.

the reading with rover program had gotten off to an excellent start. the first few weeks were an experiment to figure out how it should work when school began again in september.

grace had called a meeting for the volunteers on thursday afternoon. tanni was on her way there now. she liked working with the kids and dogs; what she didn't enjoy was being around kristen jamey. tanni wasn't sure why she disliked kristen so much, other than the fact that she was dumb. she didn't know how else to put it. kristen was about as empty-headed as anyone could get.

her lack of intelligence didn't matter one iota because kristen was beautiful. the boys at school stumbled all over themselves every time kristen walked down the hall. she was popular with just about everyone-except tanni. already there was talk about kristen being crowned homecoming queen next october when they were seniors.

tanni suspected grace thought she was jealous of kristen but that wasn't the case. it wasn't. she simply didn't respect the other girl. the head librarian had asked tanni to make an effort to get along with kristen, and she'd tried. she really had, not that it'd done much good. knowing that kristen would be at the meeting today put tanni on edge.

the library was busy, probably due to the upcoming fourth of july weekend. half a dozen people stood in line waiting to check out books. all the computers were in use, too.

one of the librarians recognized tanni and greeted her with a smile. "grace is in the conference room," she said, pointing in that direction.

"thanks." tanni headed toward the back of the library.