prologue

golden boy

october

the day after my mother's death

from the start i had it all-a caring mother, a hardworking father, an older doting sister . . . everything a boy could want. we lived in the most magical place; every day in california was like being on vacation at the beach. mom stayed home while dad went to work. we had a nice house and a dog; we laughed, we played, we were very happy. nothing scratched our perfect existence until the night my father never came home. and then our once shiny happiness was left forever dulled. his sudden absence frayed all that was left of our perfect life, my perfect life.

just when i thought there was no mending it, dahlia london moved in next door. a beautiful blonde-haired girl with the tiniest of noses and pretty heart-shaped lips, she had a love of the beach that could only be matched in intensity by mine. from the very first time i laid eyes on her, i knew she was perfect for me, and she was. she fit into our family like a missing puzzle piece. we grew up being best friends and then one day she was my girl. it was just that easy and it stayed that way for the longest time.

as happens in life . . . everything between us changed as time passed. we were five when we met and we were twenty-five when we were torn apart. during those twenty years we had created a bond that i thought couldn't be broken. i'd poured myself into our relationship and i knew she had, too. but she was a little more broken than me, and her fragility made me more her protector than anything else.

she was fourteen when her parents died and she needed me . . . so i gave her support. she was sixteen when i knew we felt something deeper for each other . . . so i loved her. she was seventeen when her uncle died and she was left alone . . . so i gave up my dream for her. she was the only thing i ever let get in the way of me and my board. it was an opportunity of a lifetime: if i won my next competition, i'd win a sponsorship and get to compete in the pipe masters. it was my chance to go pro. but that meant leaving dahl behind, and she had already lost too many people. so i made a rash decision. i chose to stay with her. i threw the competition on purpose.

it's a day i'll never forget. the weather was perfect. the sun was shining and there wasn't a cloud in the sky. surfing conditions were optimal. the water was warm and the waves were high. i paddled out slow and caught my first wave on the shoulder of the peak. of course i knew better, but the announcer still made the comment that i'd acted too soon, that i didn't wait for the steep face. he blamed it on my nerves and i let him. my score was well below what was expected from me and i didn't qualify. there was only one person who figured it out-she never said a word, but i knew all along my mother knew. and with the loss in that competition my dream of competing on the professional circuit came to a screeching halt.

when it came time to go to college, dahl and i knew we couldn't be apart for four years-so we went together. after college we wanted to start the next phase of our lives-so we moved in together. then once we had secured our careers, it was time to take the next step, it was a natural progression-so i proposed. but before we even set a date, the world showed what a cruel place it could really be. i was once again forced into making a decision . . . live alone or die together. and that time, i had nothing to throw-so i had no other choice but to leave her behind. i had to protect her.

that was three years ago and even though i ended up without her, i don't regret my decision. i had to keep her safe-i loved her too much not to. life presents choices at every curve and it's the choices we make that pave the way for our future. sure, i regret everything up to that point, of course i do. i was a dumb f**k with a huge ego. i thought i could outsmart people who would never let anyone outsmart them. looking back i should have seen it, but i'd investigated a story that i thought would put me on top of my game and that's where i wanted to be. fuck, was i wrong. no, not wrong-plain stupid. the story led to an unbelievable choice. i had to "die," or i knew my girl and me would both be killed. i know it sounds absurd. shit like that only happens in the movies, but it was my reality. i wanted to take her with me, i did, but that kind of life wasn't for my dahl. so i had to leave my perfect girl behind, and it wrecked me. that choice, my choice-to give her up to keep her alive-is one i could never regret.

while i was gone, i lived day to day, never looking ahead, never letting anyone in. that is until the unexpected day came. the day i was told the danger was over and i could go home. i had been given a second chance. so i let my shield down and i never hesitated in the least to leave behind the life i had created. now would come the time to make up for all the wrong i had done. i went back thinking that getting her back wouldn't be easy, but knowing in my heart it would be worth it.

never did i think something so unimaginable would happen. that she would no longer feel the same about me . . . that my beautiful beach-loving, made-for-me girl would have fallen in love with someone else. i didn't want to accept it. i thought i could win her back. but like i said, the world is a cruel place. she was gone from me before i ever returned. and there was no getting her back. even if she hadn't found out about what i'd done, i wouldn't have been able to. i know that now. i should have let her go long ago, but i'd lost sight of what was real, who she was, who i was. without dahl all i had left was my family. and then again the unthinkable happened. my loving, caring mother suffered a stroke and she was gone in the blink of an eye. a loss struck my family again and just like when my father was taken-i was left utterly broken, but this time the girl who had helped me become whole again was also gone.

if there is a moment in time that comes to alter the course of your life forever-mine would be the day caleb holt told me i had to disappear. i don't even know who i am anymore. i'm alone and left to pick up pieces to a life i don't have. rock bottom. it's a phrase i never thought i'd use to describe myself, but it's the only one that fits.

chapter 1

dead and gone

the world spins faster as i stumble forward to enter the front door of what used to be my house with dahlia. after attempting to hang my keys on the old key shaped holder, they fall to the ground when i miss. i leave them there. once i've made it to the bathroom, i grip the countertop tightly because the wallpaper seems to be tilting and the flowers on it are fading in and out. i lean over the sink to wait for the sick feeling in my gut to pass. when i look up, my vision fuzzes suddenly