so they'd been awake at the same time. funny, that.

"it's been a while," she said, surreptitiously wiping her damp hands on her napkin.

jeremy pressed his lips together. "i guess i was a little worried about how you'd feel. if you'd slap my face or throw your drink at me."

"hi, dr. lyon!" called a plump woman with pinkish hair. "my knee is so much better! it should be, with all the fluid you drained out of it!"

"oh, good, dolores. glad to hear it."

"two hundred cc's! i think i hold a record!" the woman said gleefully.

"could be." he glanced at faith. "sorry. where were we?"

"drink-throwing and slaps," she said. "thanks for the ideas."

jeremy gave a crooked smile and rubbed his chin. "can we get that out of the way? do you hate me?"

"no, jeremy. of course not. i told you that, right after the wedding. a few times. more than a few."

"yeah, you did," he said. "but that was in the early days. i thought maybe as time went on, you'd get...i don't know. angry. you never wanted to see me when you were back in town, so..."

there was a long pause. "i needed to get over you," she said as quietly as she could. "it wasn't because i hated you. it was because i loved you."

his eyes filled again, and he nodded.

"hey, doc!" someone called. "oh, lord, you're with faith! hi, faith, honey!"

"hi," faith said. clearly, meeting in public had been a bad idea. "i have no idea who that is," she murmured.

"joan pepitone," jeremy murmured. "big frankie's mom."

"are you two getting back together?" frankie's mother asked.

"no, mrs. pepitone," he said. "just having dinner."

"okay, then," she whispered. "i'll leave you two kids alone."

"anyway," faith said. "it wasn't anything but-"

"here we go!" jessica announced, sticking the bottle in jeremy's face so he could see the label.

jeremy nodded, and jess began uncorking the bottle.

there were times when faith really hated all the rituals that went along with wine. jeremy picked up the cork; it wasn't crumbly. jessica poured him an ounce; he swirled and smelled it, then nodded. jess poured faith a glass, then jeremy, then started reciting the specials.

"jess, if you don't mind, we'll let you know when we're ready, okay?" jeremy said, smiling up at her.

"sure, pal," she said. "take all the time you want." she gave faith a look that wasn't nearly as warm as the one she'd just leveled at jeremy and finally left. couldn't have been more than a size four, just in case she wasn't already a pain in the butt.

faith straightened out her cutlery, then took a sip of wine, smiling awkwardly at jeremy. he smiled back. all smiles, all the time.

"jeremy," she said quietly, looking down at her plate, "i think the hardest part of everything was that you let it go so far."

he was quiet for a minute, idly swirling the wine in his glass, staring at it like it was the rosetta stone. "i'd never imagined a life that didn't have me as a straight guy," he said. "i loved you. how could i be g*y if that was true?" he sighed. "i should've talked to you. i just-and i recognize the irony here-i didn't want to hurt you. when i did let myself acknowledge that we didn't have a normal relationship-"

"by which i assume you're talking about justin timberlake?" she interjected. she now hated all jt songs on principle.

he had the grace to look ashamed. "right. at those moments, i thought..." he sighed. "i thought, well, you seemed happy enough. it wouldn't matter if we just kept going on the way we had been."

faith let that sink in. "so because i was too dumb to notice anything was wrong, it was okay to pretend to be straight." a burst of white-hot anger flared in her heart.

jeremy's face changed. "no! not like that, faith. just...if you were happy, then i was. because i did love you. i still do. i hope you believe me."

the flare extinguished.

"i do," she said.

they sat for a few minutes. funny, how she'd never felt uncomfortable with jeremy before. ever.

"was it hard?" she asked. "dealing with everyone's surprise?" she asked. they'd talked about it in those first few weeks, but he'd always shrugged it off, more concerned with her, both of them trying to assure the other they were fine.

"it was hard being without you," he said. "every time something good happened, you were the one i wanted to tell. and every time something bad happened...well, a couple times, i was already calling you before i remembered we weren't together."

"me, too," she said, her voice wobbling. dang it. she dug in her purse for a tissue, but jeremy was already handing her a handkerchief. "this is very sentimental, isn't it?" she asked in a shaky voice, and they both laughed a little. she wiped her eyes and tried not to look at him.

the murmur and hum of the diners around them filled the silence.

faith's heart sat heavy in her chest. like road kill, like a dead, stiff porcupine. okay, that was a really pathetic image. even now, the dead porcupine was resurrecting and giving her a reproachful look-i was just sleeping, dummy-but yeah, kind of. for eight unwavering years, she'd adored jeremy lyon. for the past three, the argument could be made (and made well) that he'd still been the most important man in her life.

it was really time for that to change. she'd kept a few secrets of her own, even from him. and maybe those were just as important as his had been.

"i realize how wrong it was for me to lie to you, faith," jeremy said, staring at the table. "i used you so i could be the person i wanted to be, not the person i was, if that makes any sense. i'm more sorry about that than anything."

"i might've done some of that, too," she admitted.

"but you never lied."

"maybe not." then again, maybe so.

he looked at her, his eyes solemn. "i have this fantasy," he said. "that you forgive me. that we become really close again. all the feelings i had for you, faith...i wasn't faking that. i was crazy about you." his voice broke a little. "i've missed you so much."

well, hell. she couldn't just leave him there, hanging. faith reached over to grip his strong, smooth hands, bittersweet memories sliding through her like a river. his face as he saw her dressed for the prom, the way he always leaned forward a little when she was talking, as if he was afraid he'd miss a single word. the way he brought flowers to the airport when she came home from college, hugging her so hard he'd lift her right off the ground, the inevitable "aw" of a few onlookers.

"of course we can be friends, jeremy," she said. "of course."

maybe this was what she needed to get on with her life. for three and a half years, she hadn't been able to find a meaningful relationship. maybe being here, being around jeremy, was the final piece of the puzzle.

"you guys ready to order?" jessica was back, and clearly no more conversation would be tolerated till their dinners had been chosen.

they ordered and ate, talking about ordinary things-ted and elaine spent most of the year in san diego. lyon's den was run by a manager and had been featured in the times. jeremy's practice was bustling; he saw patients who were newborns, patients in their nineties, and, clearly, he was doing what he was meant to do. she brought him up-to-date on the holland news, her plans for the barn and library.

the time had come to ask the awkward question. faith realized her toes were curled in her slutty, painful shoes. "are you seeing anyone?" faith asked, and jeremy's face took on that hint of sadness again.

"no. i, uh...no. i had a, um, a friend in the city about a year ago, but not anymore. the long-distance thing was too hard." he looked out the window. "i'm so busy, i don't see how i'd find someone. dating websites, maybe. i don't know. i keep thinking someone will just show up one day. maybe. or maybe i'm destined to be single, which would be okay, too. i don't mean to sound pathetic. i'm very happy."

"you do sound pathetic," faith said. "you sound like bob cratchit after tiny tim dies. 'i am a happy man.'"

he grinned. "how about you, faith? anyone special?"

"i've dated here and there," she said. still haven't slept with a straight guy, though that is definitely something i'd like to cross off my bucket list.

"but nothing...serious?" jeremy asked, and she could tell he was hoping she'd say yes.

she shook her head. "a good man is hard to find." she hesitated, then told him about her last date, clint and his kid calling her whore, and by the time she was done, they were both laughing so hard they were crying.

"it's so good to be with you again," jeremy said, wiping his eyes.

"right back at you," she said, and her heart gave a twist. she did love jeremy, and she always would. they could be friends. real friends, honest this time around. because men like jeremy...they just didn't make them like that anymore.

"hey."

faith startled a little. crap, it was levi, like an irritable grammar school nun about to whack their hands with a ruler. he still wore his uniform, gun and all. he gave her a five on the boredom scale, his eyes glancing over her and dismissing her in a nanosecond.

"levi! have a seat, buddy," jeremy said, letting go of her hand. "faith and i were just catching up."

"so i see." he paused. "faith."

"levi." she mimicked his solemn tone, but he didn't seem to notice.

jeremy beamed. "sit down. you want something to eat?"

"yeah, join us, levi," faith said, narrowing her eyes just a little. he wouldn't sit down. he disliked her too much.

he sat. next to jeremy of course, the better to level that god, you're so uninteresting look at her, now a seven. faith smiled at him, making sure to wrinkle her nose like a disney princess. his look shot up to a nine and a half. already, his fingers were drumming on the table, ever itchy where she was concerned. good. let him itch. let him have an infestation of fleas, perhaps, or a festering, scabby rash.

"my grandmother baked some brownies for you, levi," she said sweetly, tipping her head and tucking some hair behind her ear. "since you were so helpful with the flying squirrels."

"he lives to serve," jeremy said, grinning. levi gave jeremy a wry look, which slid right off his face when he returned his gaze to faith.

"well, she's a huge fan, levi. if you ever wanted a girlfriend, i'm convinced she'd leave my grandfather for you." another sunny smile, which failed to illicit any reaction at all, though jeremy laughed.

jessica came over. "hey, levi, how you doing?" she asked, messing up the chief of police's hair.

"hi, jess."

"you want something to eat?"

"no, thanks. i'm not gonna stay," levi said.

thank god for small favors, faith thought. "so are you two...together again?" she asked, glancing up at jessica.

"oh, hell, no," jess snorted. "we broke up in high school."

"well, you were always on and off-" faith began.

"yeah, well, people change," jessica said, a smile not quite masking the sharpness in her voice.