saw her with jeremy, grabbing on to him like a lifeline, because maybe that's what he'd been. marry the perfect boy next door, join your vineyards together, somehow create a kind of absolution.

no wonder she hadn't looked a little deeper at jeremy. he'd been her redemption.

"you want to come in?"

the question startled him. "in the tub?"

she gave a little smile. "yes."

he paused. "sure," he said. pulled off his shirt, then unlaced his boots and pulled them off, followed by his jeans and boxers, then got in behind her, her wet, slick skin sliding against his.

now is not the time, his conscience barked. she's in mourning. or something.

well. faith wasn't crying now. she was quiet, her head against his shoulder.

"you doing okay?" he asked, slipping his arms around her. impossible to avoid touching breast, so why bother trying?

"mmm-hmm."

he kissed her hair. wasn't sure what else to do. she relaxed into him, all soft, warm, wet sweetness. the dog eyeballed him like a disapproving chaperone. right. levi was supposed to be comforting faith, not lusting after her.

she slid around so she was lying on him, causing some water to slosh over the side, and the lust factor shot up into the red zone. her dog lapped at the puddle on the floor.

"faith," he said, and his voice was rough, "i can't believe you've thought the wrong thing for so long. someone should've told you it wasn't your fault."

"oh, they did," she said. "but they...well, i told them i had a seizure. that's what they meant. it wasn't my fault because i couldn't help having a seizure. and i just couldn't tell them i didn't."

"you should've told the truth, honey."

"no," she said. "i couldn't break my father's heart even more. 'daddy, i'm sorry mommy's dead, but she was going to leave you.' no. i couldn't do that." her eyes were full again.

"i hate this crying stuff," he whispered, and for some reason, it made her laugh, even as the tears slid down her cheeks.

"well, take me to bed and make love to me, and maybe i'll stop."

she was unpredictable, he'd give her that. "you sure?" he asked. "i could bake you cookies instead."

"you can bake me cookies after."

"all right then. you're the boss." he kissed her, that soft, pink mouth, then wrapped her legs around him and stood, keeping his mouth on hers, and lifted her out of the tub, resulting in a great rush of water and suds. the dog barked. "get out, blue," levi muttered against her mouth.

her smiling mouth.

if her tears hurt his chest, for some reason, her smile made it ache all the more.

later, when he'd followed her orders and made love to her till she was even pinker and sweeter and her cheek was against his chest, his own heart slowly returning to a normal pace, levi was aware that something had changed.

when he'd seen that empty, hollow look in her eyes, when she'd looked far older than her years, something had built in him, a sense of urgency and protection and helplessness. for twenty years, she'd been carrying this secret to protect her family, and no one had seen the cost.

he remembered how that little bad-girl streak in her had evaporated after her mother's death. remembered how he'd judged her as a little shallow, a little boring, when the truth was, maybe he should've looked a little harder, too.

he kissed her hair and held her closer.

"i love you," she said.

he froze. not that he was moving to begin with, but it seemed his heart and lungs stopped for a good ten seconds.

now was the time when he should say something back.

it was just that the words didn't come. there were a lot of feelings churning around, but actually putting a name to them...that was harder. he raised his head, expecting to see her waiting for his response, but instead her eyes were closed, that same little smile from before playing on her lips.

"one of these days," she said, her voice drowsy, "you're going to tell me you gave me that little pink rock."

well, holy crap.

"i used to wonder who gave it to me," she murmured. "would've bet the farm it was anyone but you." she opened her eyes, looked at him for a second, then closed them again. "but now i see that it couldn't have been anyone else."

another beat passed. then he kissed her forehead. "go to sleep, holland," he said, then watched as she did just that.

then, when he was sure she wouldn't wake up, he got up and baked those cookies.

it wasn't like he'd be able to sleep after that, anyway.

chapter twenty-six

a week later, faith was fairly sure that dropping the l-bomb had been a mistake.

she and levi hadn't talked much since the night he'd...well, changed her life. that revelation was still so stunning, faith wasn't sure what to do with it. but the knot that had been in her heart was loosening. whether or not she should talk to her dad or say something to her sibs, faith didn't know, but that charred spot in her soul, the one that had always told her she didn't deserve what other people did...it was healing over, pink and new and fragile.

as for levi and her... sigh. he'd had to work-a lot, it seemed, even more than before. he visited his sister and fixed something in her car. on the two nights faith and he had spent together, he'd been called away once and had to take two lengthy phone calls for something or another. she and levi themselves had talked about very little, just ended up in bed where, admittedly, things felt much clearer. actions, maybe, if not words.

one night after nooky, she'd told him about walking in on her grandparents the other day, when they were both in the downstairs bedroom; for the life of her, she thought they were getting it on, goggy saying, "no, it goes in there, not like that! don't you remember? you don't like it there! it's never been comfortable that way! push it to the left a little!" but no, turned out they had simply been moving pops's bed, thank you, jesus.

levi had laughed till there'd been tears in his eyes, and the sound had been so wonderful, faith had wondered how she could bottle it.

but it hadn't escaped her notice that levi had yet to say "i love you" back.

a clear-cut case of man panic.

and sure, it was a lot-it almost made her cringe when she thought of that night, of telling him her secret, of her olympic bout of weeping thereafter, followed up by her declaration of love and the assertion that he'd been the one to put the pink quartz rock in her locker all those years ago. it would've been nice, she thought as she made her way to o'rourke's, if she could've quit while she was ahead. but it was as if once the cork had been popped, she hadn't been able to keep anything in.

but levi kept showing up. maybe it wasn't as bad as she thought.

the barn was completely done, the library courtyard had been dedicated, and faith was finishing up two other jobs. snow had fallen three times already, and the air was cold and damp. thanksgiving was coming, and faith wondered if it would feel different now, now that she knew she hadn't caused the accident, if that aching, omnipresent regret would gentle to simply missing her mom.

clearly, she didn't want to tell her father that his wife's last words to her had been to hint about leaving him. but maybe if dad-and pru, jack and honor-knew that it hadn't been a seizure that had caused the accident...maybe something would shift. what, faith didn't know. she would've talked to levi about it...but levi didn't seem up for talking these days. he'd told her he'd be working late tonight, so she was meeting jeremy for dinner. that would be nice.

she had six jobs lined up for spring-four private homes, two vineyards over on seneca, and she was pitching to redo the park over by the glass museum in corning. already, local landscapers were calling, wanting to introduce themselves and show her their work.

she'd thought about splitting her time between san francisco and here, but who was she kidding? she was back in the heart of her family. she had her dad, who adored her. her grandparents, who wouldn't be alive forever. her niece and nephew, her sisters and jack, colleen and connor. faith was even thinking of joining the volunteer fire department, since gerard kept heckling her about it. she had this new phase of friendship with jeremy, who was loyal and generous and funny. she had the steep and beautiful hills, the cold, deep lakes with their infinite secrets, the quiet woods and gushing waterfalls. she was a holland, and she belonged to this land.

and she had levi, who might admit he loved her back.

why go back when all she'd ever wanted was to stay?

that being said, the architect who'd given faith her first job in san francisco had just come through with a job to design a common area for a big condo complex in oakland. lots of land, lots of potential. he'd sent her some photos, and right away, ideas had started forming. she could take the job, which paid very well, go back to the city by the bay, pack up her apartment, sell what she didn't want, say goodbye to her friends.

being away, making something of herself without the goodwill generated by the holland name, being alone...it had made her stronger. mom had been right.

but it was time to come home.

so she'd go to san francisco, end things on a strong note, and then let her heart come back home.

faith pushed open the door, the heat of the pub most welcome. a two-minute walk, but already her feet were like blocks of ice.

"hey," connor greeted her as he pulled a guinness. "my sister's looking for you."

as the words left his mouth, his twin pounced, dragging faith into the bathroom.

"and hello to you, too," faith said. "what are you-"

"this thing with you and levi...how serious is that?" colleen asked, her face unsmiling. "you totally smitten?"

"oh. yes, actually. why?"

colleen sighed. "he's here. with his ex-wife."

faith felt her mouth drop open. "wow."

"yeah. they're in a booth in the back."

"oh." faith glimpsed her face in the mirror. not reassuring. "that's...sucky."

"figured you should have some warning."

"thanks."

well, nothing to do but go out there. it wasn't like she was going to climb out the bathroom window. not this time.

but she could fix her hair. and borrow some of colleen's makeup.

at five-thirty that evening, levi had been struggling through some paperwork that was endless, repetitious and irritating when the station door opened, and in came nina rodriguez, who not so long ago had been nina rodriguez-cooper.

"hey, stranger," she said with a big smile.

gorgeous. that was his first thought. clad in the same skin-tight clothes she always wore if she wasn't in uniform...and why not? she had a killer body.

his second thought was what the hell? because really, a little warning might've been nice.

"do you have a complaint you'd like to register?" emmaline said, not bothering to keep the bitchery from her voice. she might be a pain in the ass, but she was loyal.

nina ignored her. she was good at that. "you gonna stop staring and say hi?" she asked levi, raising a perfect eyebrow and leaning against everett's desk. ev, too, had frozen, his eyes on nina's ass, which, granted, was one of the seven wonders of the natural world, right up there with faith's rack.

"hi," he said.

"hi," everett echoed.

nina smiled and pulled up a chair. "i was in the area. figured i'd stop in and see my favorite cop."