almost twelve hours later, with the afternoon sun blazing high in the sky, i feel like my body is literally dragging on the ground. i just want to get back to my apartment and crash. hell, i wouldn't be surprised if i sleep for a week straight.

the first thing i do when i climb my tired ass up the old stairs to my one-bedroom rent-by-the-week apartment is pull out my phone and call coop. it's been almost two weeks since we talked last, and i hate going that long without checking on him.

"ash!" he bellows through the line, making me wince. damn migraine.

"hey, brother. how's it going?"

"uh, you know-same shit, different day. we've got some kind of crazy going down here. i'm starting to think it wouldn't feel normal if things weren't falling to shit." he laughs. leave it to coop to find something in any situation to laugh about.

you never would have guessed that he was the same kid who used to cower meekly in the corner. damn, i'm so proud of the man he's become.

"yeah, not sure that's something to be excited about, man."

"no sense in acting like someone pissed in my cheerios either."

"guess you've got me there, coop." i laugh dryly.

damn, i'm tired.

"what's got you down, big brother?" he worries.

i consider how much i want to tell him. i've always tried to keep him from seeing just how lonely i am. i know he's content with his life, but sometimes i wish he felt differently about his outlook on the future. the 'fuck and run' we've both mastered over the years is getting old as hell. for once, i'm starting to wish i weren't so fucked up and i could find some normal suzie homemaker and make some normal life for myself.

"you ever get sick of this shit, coop? i just spent the last seven days on the road chasing after this dirtbag that skipped out on his bail-again-only to come home to my empty apartment. hell, i don't even really have an apartment. i pay for this crap weekly and there is nothing of mine here. all this furniture came with the rent. i don't know, brother. i guess i've just been wondering if there's more out there for me. for us."

he's silent long enough for me to think that the call dropped, but he clears his throat and i sit, waiting to hear what he's going to say. this isn't the first time we've talked about wanting something more. or rather i've talked and he's listened silently.

"i didn't realize you were still feeling this way, asher." he exhales. "just because i don't want more-ever-doesn't mean that you can't have it. look, we had one fucked-up childhood. things got easier for you when you got older, and i guess i still see things differently. i refuse to ever be that weak motherfucker again. i'm in charge of my life, me alone, and i will never give another person the power to hurt me. i get it, man. i really do. the guys here seem to be dropping like flies, and their chicks aren't anything like she was. they're really amazing ladies. but even knowing that there's something different than her out there doesn't change my mind." he takes a deep breath, and i imagine him pacing around, collecting his thoughts. "i'm happy with my life the way it is, ash. i've got some great friends here, my own place, a job i love, and enough pussy to last me a lifetime. the only thing that could make that better is if you gave up that bounty hunter shit and came to work with us."

"yeah, not sure that's going to happen. i like the challenge of my work," i argue.

"whatever. the point is, i don't need more to be happy. i've got a good life, brother, and if it were all over tomorrow, i wouldn't have one damn thing that i regret. you only live once, right?"

"did you just yolo me? damn, coop, we need to get you graduated from high school," i laugh.

"hardy har har. laugh all you want. you know i'm right." his deep chuckle comes through the line, and i smile, picturing him standing there, smiling like a freaking idiot.

"miss you, little brother."

"yeah, and i kind of miss you too, big brother."

we talk for a little while longer. he catches me up to speed on some of the shit he and the boys at corps security have been dealing with. i've got to say, it sure as hell doesn't seem like the boring job i was picturing. by the time we hang up, i can already feel my eyes getting heavier. with promises to get together soon for a much-needed brothers vacation, i remind him to wrap up his junk, and with some quick 'i love yous' later, i'm laying my head down on my pillow. just talking to coop makes me feel lighter than i did just minutes before.

i hate that he feels the way he does about life in general. i know he thinks that he's right-that every woman out there is just like our mother and sarah jane was. but i can't help but pray that, one day, i can prove him wrong. that, one day, i can meet a woman who will show him just how fulfilling it would be to give yourself to someone completely.

one day, i vow. one day, i'll make that happen.

chapter 28 - chelcie

i'm so nervous. i keep running every possible scenario over in my mind. asher will either decide to keep going down this dark path that i'm not sure my 'light' will be able to keep him safe on. or he will turn it all over to the authorities, guaranteeing that dirty bastard spends the rest of his life in jail.

my stomach has been in knots all morning, i wasn't able to eat breakfast, and i even threw up a few times. my nerves are completely shot to hell. i know asher is worried about me, and i hate that because his mind shouldn't be focusing on me right now. but no matter what i do, i can't seem to turn off the overwhelming sense of dread that is hanging over me like a thick blanket. a thick blanket of doom. i hate it.

"sunshine, please try and eat something before we head over to cs. i don't like how upset you are."

"i'll eat when we leave, okay? i might feel better by then." it's worth a try.

he looks at me, trying to gauge where my mind is right now. i give him a weak smile and try my best to act normal.

"all right. if you're sure, i'm going to grab a shower before we head in."

he leans in and gives me one of those sweet kisses, holding his warm lips against my cold forehead and rubbing his large hand over my belly a few times.

when i hear the shower turn on, i let out the breath i was holding. fuck, i'm a mess. and it doesn't help that my back has been killing me all week-ever since i went on a nesting frenzy and cleaned every inch i could reach of the apartment. then i spent an even longer time working in zac's nursery. we purchased all of his furniture and got it all up-ready to go. it's a room fit for a prince. well, it's a room fit for a prince if he decides that he wants to play sports when he gets older. asher had so much fun picking out the bedding and decor for his room that i gladly went with the theme he wanted.