lila swallows hard, her blue eyes massive as she grasps my hand. "is she still... is she still like that?"

i nod, feeling either her pulse or mine throbbing in my fingertips. "her name's london, which i'm sure you remember from when you caught me muttering in my sleep. rae-her mother-keeps asking me to go there, hoping that after four years i can help london remember something, even though the doctors told her it's pretty much impossible-that the damage is irreversible."

lila stares at me forever and it drives me insane because i need to know what she's thinking and how she feels about what i just told her because quite honestly i'm perplexed as hell over what i feel. strangely, i almost feel liberated, like i'm finally letting everything i felt out.

"she must have meant a lot to you," lila finally says, holding my gaze.

"she did," i admit, tracing my finger across the inside of her wrist. "she was the first girl i ever really thought i might love."

lila swallows hard again, biting her lip, looking like she's tearing up. i want to tell her that i think i might be in love with her. i want to let her know how i feel and that she means the world to me. i don't want her to cry or hurt. i want her to be happy, like the lila i first met, only this time her happiness will be real, not pill induced.

"are you going to go and see her like her mother wants you to?" lila asks nervously and i feel her hand tense in mine.

i press my lips together and nod. "i think i have to, for a lot of different reasons. one being that i never really said good-bye to london. i was always kind of too afraid to."

lila smashes her lips together so hard they turn purple. "okay..." it comes out breathy. "i understand."

shaking my head, i bring my free hand up to her face and brush back her hair. "lila, it's not like what you're thinking. it's just something i have to do. i have to say good-bye to her, because i never really did. i just kept holding on to her, which is part of the reason why i've felt so stuck in my life. if i go see her, then maybe i can quit living in the past and move forward." i take a deep breath. "with you." and there it is. the truth.

i can tell she's struggling with whether to be happy or sad. she tips her head back, attempting not to cry. "you'll be there for ella and micha's wedding, though, right? because it's in, like, a few days."

"of course. micha would fucking kick my ass if i didn't show up," i say, wishing she'd look at me, wishing i knew what she's thinking. "besides, i take credit for the fact that their dumb asses are even getting married. if it weren't for me, they'd still be trying to please each other instead of actually telling each other how they feel."

that gets her to look at me and laugh and the sound of it is so amazing, i swear i could fill a thousand pages with words describing the beauty in it. "you're probably right. they are both very stubborn."

"so are we," i say, thinking about how hard i fought against my feelings for her.

she nods, agreeing. "yes, we are."

"yeah... we definitely are..." i drift off as i lean in to kiss her, wanting to lick and bite her again-wanting to be inside her again like i was the other night. we haven't had sex since then, not because i don't want to. i want to so fucking bad my cock gets hard just thinking about it. but after what lila told me, i'm not going to push things until i know she wants it. plus, i want to go say good-bye to london first so i can hopefully have a completely clear head.

lila meets me half way, brushing her lips against mine and she instantly groans and clutches on to me. by the time we finish kissing, we're lying on her bed, my body pressed on hers and i'm sweatier than i was when i got home from work. "i'm going to go take a shower and pack," i say, my lips hovering over hers. i bite at her bottom lip and then suck it into my mouth before i force myself to move away and get up from the bed.

"are you sure?" she asks, batting her eyelashes up at me as she grips my arms, trying to pull me back. "we could keep kissing and see where it will go."

"oh, i know where it will go," i assure her. "but i also know that i need to pack and if i start kissing you again, i'm not going to be able to stop. i'll probably want to keep going all night, over and over and over again." my voice drops to a husky growl and she blushes.

trying to pretend she's not all hot and flustered, she gets to her feet and returns to her suitcase. "are you flying to virginia today?" she folds a pair of shorts up and places them in the suitcase.

i nod from the doorway with my hands braced on the door frame. "i'm flying out about the same time you are and then i'll fly to san diego on friday."

"so you'll be spending three days in virginia?" she asks, fighting a frown as she folds up a shirt.

i nod. "yeah."

she's obviously uncomfortable with the idea and i feel bad that she is. but i need to do this. i know it's going to be hard, finally letting go of london and my guilt after all these years of holding on to it. but i know i can do it, because i want lila, want to give her what she deserves, needs, more than i've wanted to do anything else in my life.

lila

i'm trying to be strong, but it's difficult. i've finally opened myself up to someone and then he tells me about his one and only other girlfriend, who has amnesia apparently. i can see in his eyes that he still really cares for her and i wonder if he might still love her. it feels like my heart is breaking, until he calls me his girlfriend. that helps a little. as much as i want to be secure about our relationship, i'm still battling with my inner self-doubting demons. i'm still figuring out who i am and who i want to be. all i really know is that i love ethan and haven't told him that yet. and now he's going to see his ex-girlfriend.

i'm feeling very bummed out and defeated by the time we arrive at the airport. it isn't very crowded today and we get through security pretty quickly. his flight leaves a half an hour before mine though so he drops me off at my gate and then heads to leave.

"all right, you can call me for anything," he says as he slings his bag over his shoulder.

i nod, trying not to pout as i stand near the seating area with my suitcase at my feet. "i know."

he walks backward, dodging to the side to get around people. "especially if you feel the need to."

i force a smile, pretending i'm more okay than i really am. "stop worrying about me," i say. "i'll be fine."

he returns my smile, but he's worried about me. i can see it in his eyes. "all right, i'll see you in three days." he turns around and walks away, and it makes me sadder because he didn't even kiss me good-bye.

i watch him with a giant frown on my face. he's dressed in faded jeans secured by a studded belt, a dark plaid shirt, and there are leather bands on his wrists. his dark hair is all messy because he took too long in the shower and we had to rush out of the house before he had time to do anything with it, although he didn't really care. he's so gorgeous and i wish i knew for certain if he was mine, but i don't know that yet. these things take time to fully understand.

once he's out of my sight, i turn toward the section where i'll board with my ticket in my hand. i'm used to flying first class, but i can't afford it.

i'm on the verge of tearing up when i feel someone grab me from behind. i open my mouth to scream bloody murder, but arms encircle my waist and i catch a scent of a very familiar cologne and relax into ethan's touch.

"i forgot something," he whispers in my ear, turning me toward him. his eyes are dark, his hair hanging in his face as his gaze drinks me in slowly, deliberately. i forget to breathe as he leans down and kisses me. and i mean kisses me, the kind of kiss that rips my breath right out of my lungs, makes me forget where i am, who i am. as our tongues entwine, it makes every single struggle i've been through worth it because they've gotten me right here to this moment-they've gotten me to him.

his hands comb through my hair and i breathe in the scent of him as i clutch on to his arms, wishing he wasn't leaving me. by the time we pull away, we're panting, my heart is slamming against my chest, and everyone is staring at us with silly smiles on their faces that i'm certain match my own.

"i'll see you in a few days." he kisses me on the cheek before backing away.

i nod, breathless and flushed. "okay."

he smiles and then picks up his bag, turning around and walking away for real this time. i still feel sad, but i'm twenty times lighter now, knowing i can make it three days.

"i love you. i really, really do," i whisper so softly no one can hear. i want to tell him. i do because i think it'll be different from when i told sean i loved him, but i can't quite get there yet. but i can feel myself headed in the right direction and that's got to mean something and gives me hope that when i do finally tell him, things will be different because ethan's different.

and so am i.

chapter sixteen

lila

ella and micha's house is adorable. i would have thought i'd dislike the place, seeing how small it is and that it's perched at the end of this really bumpy road that weaves through a neighborhood where all the houses look different. it's pretty, though, the way the yellow shutters stick out from everything else around and how the grass is covered with a variety of flowers, none of which go together but make it colorful and lively. it's thursday morning and the sun is hot, but in a bearable way, unlike the stifling desert air in vegas.

"i really love your house," i remark for probably the third time as ella and i sit on the back porch beneath the sunlight. we have shorts and tank tops on. my hair hangs down to my shoulders and i haven't put my makeup on yet, but no one's around so it doesn't really matter.