"what's wrong?" i asked, dropping my book bag to the painted cement floor and walking over to her. "are you sick?" i asked, unable to sit down. i needed her to ease my mind. i had a million different scenarios going through my head.

momma motioned to the chair behind me. "sit," she said.

i shook my head. "no. tell me what's wrong," i demanded. the worry and concern had exploded into full-blown fear. this wasn't right. the last time she had acted like this, my best friend in kindergarten had been hit by a car riding her bike and died. that alone told me something was terribly wrong.

"i got a lot to say, and you standing there ain't gonna make me talk faster. so sit your ass down," she said.

"is someone dead?" i asked, needing to know that rock, trisha, and the kids were okay.

she shook her head. "no, ain't no one dead. now sit down," she said, pointing to the chair again.

i noticed that the ever-present cigarette in her hand was missing. had she lost her job? surely not. they loved her there.

"i didn't have no errands to run today. i had a doctor's appointment," she said, then cleared her throat. "it was my fifth one this month. about six weeks ago i noticed a lump in my breast when taking a shower. it was hard to feel since i have the implants, so it was pretty big when i noticed it. i got me an appointment and went in, and they had to run some tests. today they got back the final results, that it is breast cancer, and 'cause it's been there awhile it's spread some. they're gonna need to do a mastectomy, and i'll need chemo treatments."

i couldn't move. all i could do was sit there and stare at her. this felt like death. this was just as bad. "can they get it all?" i asked, unable to ask her if this would kill her. i couldn't accept that.

she nodded. "yeah. they can. they think i'll be fine once they do the mastectomy and i go through chemo. they're positive about my recovery. so don't go worrying about that. problem here is, i ain't got insurance. i make too much to get government help and not enough to afford the monthly costs of it. the hospital is going to let me make monthly payments. they actually start this month because all that testing wasn't cheap. we're gonna have to move. we need cheaper rent. i'll also need to find a job that i can work and make enough money to support us. my old one isn't gonna be possible no more."

she was going to live. that was all that mattered. i didn't care about moving. we'd made it through hard times. momma never let us go hungry. she'd done whatever she could to pay the bills.

now it was my turn to take care of her. i loved my job, but it wasn't nearly enough money. i needed something that paid more. "i'll get a job. something that pays well," i told her.

she grimaced and wrung her hands in front of her. "ever since you was a little girl, i wanted big things for you. that beauty of yours was a gift. then you ended up with a smart head, too. that brain and those looks were meant to give you the world. you shouldn't be here with this burden on you. i didn't get insurance. now i'm paying for it, and so are you."

my momma had fought hard my entire life to be a single mom and not lean on a man for anything. she used to say you can only depend on yourself. i disagreed. she could depend on me. "i'll use this brain and these looks to take care of us," i assured her. "we'll be fine. i promise. it's time to learn to depend on someone else. i've got this."

i stood up and walked over to the sofa and sat down beside her. this time i pulled her into my arms, instead of the other way around, and held her. the only person in my life who i never doubted loved me was my momma. i would do whatever i had to in order to make sure she got better. "we can do this together," i said, more to myself than her.

my phone was ringing in the pocket of my book bag, but i ignored it. i knew it was jason, and i would deal with him later. right now the fact that johanna was answering his phone was the least of my worries.

"can't believe i'm about to say this," momma said, "but you know they'll hire you at jugs. you'll get top pay, and if you go that route, you'll be safe there."

i hadn't wanted to admit to myself that using my body was the only way i could make the most money. waiting tables wouldn't be enough. the only way i could use my body to make the most money was to follow in my mother's footsteps. i would lose jason, though. he would never allow it, and i couldn't let him stand in my way. my heart took another hit at the realization. our time together would be shorter than i had imagined. but my momma's life came first.

the easy answer was lying in my room. i could have it all paid for with one phone call to mrs. stone, but i would never do that. i wasn't using jason to fix my problem. i loved him. as much as i loved my mother, she wouldn't want that money either. i would get money the only way i knew how.

"what if we moved farther away from the beach? about an hour or so away, the rent will be cheaper for small apartments, and we'll be closer to the hospital. and because i'm young and i have the body, i can probably get a job at delilah's. it has higher-paying clientele."

momma looked defeated, and i hated seeing her like this. she was always so tough and ready to take on the world. "delilah's is the big time in that world. hard to get a job there because they only accept the best. you'll be hired. probably make three to four times what i make now," she said.

it was hard for her to accept that i was about to do what she'd worked so hard to keep me from. i wished i had another answer but i didn't. i wouldn't be finishing my two-year degree after all. might as well face the fact that my future was mapped out for me a long time ago. no use in fighting it.

"that boy ain't gonna be okay with you stripping," momma said.

i nodded. "yeah, i know. we were gonna be over soon anyway. he has a girl at college i think he's in love with. i was just the walk on the wild side before he graduates and becomes a politician."

"well, he never did realize what he had. but then, most politicians are idiots, so that's not surprising."

i managed to laugh even though it was the last thing i felt like doing. i would much rather have cried at how unfair life was. why some people were born with all the luck, and then others were given one punch after another. i wasn't going down just yet. i had more fight left in me.

tonight, i wasn't calling jason back. i couldn't do it without breaking down and crying. this wasn't his business. i wasn't his future and he wasn't in love with me. i had to deal with it on my own. the hardened wall i had let come down slowly began to erect itself as i sat down and made a list of things i needed to handle this week. by saturday i would be ready to go get a job and an apartment.

jason

i had been calling jess for two days and left several dozen messages, but she hadn't responded once. if she was listening to my messages, she knew i had the tickets to the music festival thanks to my brother. she also knew exactly what had happened when jo answered my phone and how it would never happen again.

either she wasn't getting my messages or she didn't believe me. i made arrangements to leave thursday night. my friday class was just going to have to be missed. i had someone getting me notes. i couldn't wait until friday night to see jess. i had to fix this. knowing she was upset made it impossible for me to concentrate on anything.

when my phone started ringing, i jumped out of the shower soaking wet and grabbed my phone. it was jess.

"finally," i said into the phone. "i've called a million times."

she didn't respond right away, and i felt a moment of panic. was she still pissed?

"it's been a busy week. i'm sorry i haven't been able to call you back." her voice sounded off. almost like she was fighting back tears.

"jess, what's wrong? is this about that shit with jo? because i swear to you . . ."

"no, it's not about her. don't apologize. it's okay, really. i'm not angry about that."

then what the hell was wrong? "what's going on?"

she let out a sigh, and i walked over to my computer to see when the next flight headed south was. my classes could all go to hell. i wasn't losing her. if she needed me, then i was going to be there.

"i . . . your, uh . . ." she stopped, and it sounded like she sniffed. then she took a deep breath. "your mom came by on monday to see me. she made it very clear how you feel for johanna."

"what the fuck? she came to your house?" i asked, standing up and staring straight ahead as fury rolled through me. how could she do this? what was wrong with my mother? it was my fucking life.

"she wanted me to understand how things were with the two of you and your hopes for your future. i don't fit in to that world. your world. it is just too much. and i understand now why you picked johanna's feelings over mine that morning. it makes sense. i was confusing sex with something more."

"jess, stop talking now. just stop fucking talking. none of this is true. i don't know what she said, but-"

"you chose her feelings when put on the spot. i knew that meant something. i get it, and i accept that i was never meant for more than a fling. i let the needy female in me want more, and that was my mistake. but it's all irrelevant now."

"i'm booking a flight now. i'm coming to see you. i thought we cleared that shit with jo up. i never would choose her feelings over yours. please, just-"

"i slept with krit last night," she blurted out, and my world stopped turning. the fire inside of me was immediately doused as i stood there unable to speak.

"i've always wanted a man to love me for me. because he's wild i always ignored his declarations of love. but he loves me. he always chooses me first. he will turn down anyone and anything if i ask him to. that's the kind of devotion i deserve. it's what you have with johanna. i was ruining that for you. go change the world. i'll be fine here in this life i was born into."

i couldn't even tell her bye. when she hung up, i stood there holding the phone in my hand, completely cold inside. she hadn't called me all week because she was fucking that lowlife again, not because i had hurt her. my mother tells her one batch of lies and she believes her. no questions asked, she fucking believed her and then went running to a guy who wears motherfucking eyeliner.

the pain slowly turned to rage and hate. i would make sure i never saw her face again. if s wanted to be a whore, then so be it. i should have known better. girls like her aren't the kind who change. they don't have good hearts and the ability to fall in love.

the sad fact was, now she had ruined me. i had tasted that kind of passion and nothing else would ever compare. jess had made sure she broke me. i wouldn't be able to need like that again. i didn't fucking want to. a loveless marriage to a woman who was raised to know that you didn't control a man with your body was the safe route. no wonder so many men married boring women and only fucked the wild ones. you couldn't hold the wild ones. guess i'd learned that the hard way.