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"well, lucas...it kind of sounds hypocritical to me."
a rebuttal had been on my lips and it immediately fell off my tongue as my mouth dropped open. i realized then, that the tilt of her head was her truly listening to me, that that glint in her eye was her showing true concern for my well being. i stared at her, suddenly not seeing someone sent by fate to torture me even farther for my mistakes. for the first time ever...i saw a living human being that i could potentially talk to. i mean, really talk to. it terrified me. i swallowed and pushed the icy terror back. what i said or didn't say, was still my choice.
letting my momentary panic subside, i quietly answered, "yeah...me too."
we talked about more mundane things for the rest of my time there - my relationship with my mom, my non-existent relationship with my father, what i liked to do, what i used to like to do, my plan for next year. she didn't ask me about the crash. she didn't ask me about the gossip that swirled around me. she didn't ask about my relationship with sawyer, or any other girl for that matter. she didn't even ask me about the incident that got me in her office in the first place. after my emotional outburst, her questions were tame and easy to answer. as i stood to leave, i was a little surprised by the entire thing and relieved that i'd gotten through it, without making too big a jackass out of myself.
only five weeks and four more days to go. great.
i waited in the hallway outside of safe and sound club for sawyer, my session not lasting as long as her meeting. i was deep in thought over my hour with mrs. ryans...beth, when the door opened and kids started pouring out. i barely noticed the whispers and stares as i sat on the floor and waited for sawyer to see me. eventually all the kids left, and i could see sawyer still in the classroom talking to ms. reynolds. she had her head down and was listening to ms. reynolds talk with a solemn expression on her face.
ms. reynolds reached down for her hand, but then surprisingly took her wrist instead. sawyer's head snapped up to look at her and she pulled back reflexively, an almost alarmed look on her face. i stood up, wondering if sawyer was about to get into another fight, but this time with a teacher, a generally nice teacher. sawyer started shaking her head at ms. reynolds, her face looking more and more frightened every second.
as i stepped through the door, ms. reynolds turned to look at me and dropped sawyer's arm. sawyer looked back at me and smiled genuinely, although her face was almost sickly white. scrunching my brows, i walked up to her side.
"everything...okay here?" i asked, feeling odd at having to almost confront a teacher.
ms. reynolds gave me her warm, sympathetic teacher face. "of course, lucas." her eyes flicked over to sawyer's then back to mine. "sawyer and i were just having...a conversation." before i could answer, her eyes brightened. "how was your session? i hear mrs. ryans is great, was she? did everything go okay?"
her questions came out in rapid succession and i had to focus on them so hard, that i momentarily forgot about the incident i'd walked in on. "uh...it was...fine, i guess."
she put a hand on my shoulder. "great! i'm so glad, lucas." she patted my shoulder before nodding at sawyer and then turning to leave the room.
i turned back to a still pale sawyer. "well, that was weird." sawyer's face was still a ghostly white shade as her eyes locked on the door ms. reynolds had just exited from. "hey, you okay?"
she snapped out of her daze and lifted her eyes to mine. some color returned to her as she flicked between my eyes. she gave me that wry smile i loved on her, the one that showed my favorite dimple. "isn't that my line?"
i laughed and slung my arm around her shoulders. "apparently, not today."
she leaned into my body as we started walking from the room. "how did your meeting go?" she asked quietly.
keeping my head straight, i flatly said, "it was fine."
she pulled back from me, slightly frowning. "luc..."
i sighed and looked down at my feet shuffling along, crossing over the multiple cracks in the hallway tile. "really, it was fine. not great, not horrible..." i looked up at her and shrugged, "...just...fine."
she twisted her lips at me and then sunk back down against my body. "okay...well, i'm glad it wasn't horrible."
i leaned my head against hers and sighed. "yeah, me too," i muttered into her black, silky hair. a faint scent of the lemon that filled her car hit my nose and i smiled - content, once again.
sawyer was quiet on the ride home and i didn't intrude on whatever she was thinking about. myself, i chose to stare out the window and reflect on my own day as well. besides the unfortunate teasing by will in english, really, the encounter with josh was the worst part of my day. even my outburst with the counselor hadn't trumped that moment. i sighed and thought again about darren being disappointed in me, in the fact that i couldn't save that friendship with his brother. maybe i'd dream about him tonight and we could talk about it?
a hand across my leg snapped me out of my weird thought, and i looked over at sawyer studying me. i blinked and looked around at my driveway. apparently, we were here. i blushed and looked down at her hand on my thigh, wondering how long i'd been spacing out in her car.
her fingers touched my cheek and i looked at her. "you okay?" she asked softly.
i grinned and shook my head at her. "you just had to get one in today, didn't you?"
she grinned and then giggled a little. she let just one knuckle stroke my face before pulling her hand away. i cocked my head at her and watched her slightly almond shaped eyes watch me, neither one of us feeling the need to break the contact. i smiled and then nodded my head at the door. "i don't suppose your parents would let you come in for a little bit?"
she twisted her lips before sighing softly. "no...i asked, but, they know you're back in school, and don't think i need...to be here." she shrugged unhappily and sighed again. i nodded and looked down, hating that her parents felt so strongly about me, when they'd never even met me.
her fingers came back to my cheek and i looked up at her again. "it's not you, lucas." she frowned slightly. "well, it's mostly not you. mostly it's me...okay?"
i smiled again and leaned into her fingers, nodding, but not understanding. i still didn't know what she'd done to so distraught her parents. she just didn't seem that outrageous to me. she seemed well adjusted and responsible and wise beyond her years. a part of me wished her parents would just get over whatever had happened with that boy and start trusting her again. i briefly wondered if they disliked me, simply because i was also a boy. maybe it had nothing to do with my reputation after all, although, i doubt that helped.
her fingers still on my cheek, i reached behind her neck and pulled her forehead to mine. sighing, i rested our heads together for a second before preparing to leave her. at least it was only a few hours today and not a full day. that thought encouraged me and i was smiling as i pulled away from her and opened the door. she had a small, thoughtful grin on her face while she watched me leave. i waved at the door and then shut it and stood there, while she pulled away.
feeling that the day had ended on an upbeat note, i entered my house for a long night of homework, bad tv and hot pockets.
mom was late at the diner and she was still gone when i dragged my tired body to bed. i changed into my pajamas, laid my head back on the pillow and closed my eyes, all with the thought of 'please let me see my friends' repeating over and over in my head.
within moments my eyes felt heavy and sleep lulled me under. i floated in that realm of unconsciousness for what seemed like an eternity - just blackness, darkness, nothingness...peace. then i was standing in my living room, fully dressed and staring out the sunny window. a hand on my shoulder startled me and i slowly turned, a grin spreading across my face as i did so. "lil?"
auburn hair and gold eyes met my vision and i smiled wider. "hey, sammy."
she laughed and engulfed me in a warm hug. "oh, luc, it's so good to see you." she pulled back and looked over my face. "our last visit wasn't nearly long enough." i nodded and smiled as i held her close to me. our last visit had been awhile ago, back when i'd first started my hiatus from school; she'd come in with lil, and the three of us had met up only briefly before the dream had fallen away from me. that had been ages ago, or so it seemed now that we were alone together. she laughed in my arms and hugged me tight again before letting go. "darren would kick your ass if he saw us embracing like this," she muttered, as she playfully pushed my shoulder back.
i grinned at her. "yeah, lil too." i stepped back and admired my beautiful friend, practically my sister. "you and i aren't usually alone." i frowned as i considered that. "in fact, we've never been alone...not in my dreams..." i sighed as her expression softened. "god, are you here to tell me i'm nuts too? to tell me to back off from lillian and live my life? blah, blah, blah..."
she grinned wider as i crossed my arms over my chest. she shook out her red hair while she chuckled. "no, luc. you've had a hard day. i'm not going to berate you for wanting to see a friendly face."her expression turned serious before shifting to a playful scowl. "i'm here...to kick your ass."
my eyebrow lifted at that and she broke into a grin, stepping aside so that i could see past her, to the board game set up on the middle of the living room floor, highlighted in a bright patch of sunlight. i looked back over to her and chuckled. glancing at the game again, my chuckle turned into a hearty laugh. "you're going to beat me...at the game of life? seriously?"
she laughed too and stepped up to my side, grabbing my hand and leading me to a side of the board. "it seemed fitting," she said over her shoulder.
i gave her a wry smile. "nice."
she sat down cross legged on one side of the board while i took the other. i momentarily glanced at the other two empty sides. she glanced with me and smiled. i gazed at her eyes, glowing warmly in the sunshine and let myself feel the peace of her remembered company. sammy and i had always gotten along, but truly, as much as i enjoyed being with her right now, i wanted to see everyone.
i indicated the free space around the board. "we need more players. do you mind?" she shook her head, still smiling warmly and i concentrated with everything i had at the spot on the floor to the right of sammy. hazily at first, and then more solidly, darren finally appeared and she smiled over at him. he glanced at us and then down at the board set between us. "sweet!" he looked at both sammy and i while he raised a finger in the air. "i'm the doctor!"
sammy rolled her eyes, but laughed. "you can't call the occupations nimrod."
darren gave her a level look. "and yet, i just did." she started to protest, but he leaned in and kissed her, cutting off her objection, just like he usually did. "hey, sexy."
i grinned at the sight of them making out, happy that darren wasn't going to bug me about bringing them here, that he was just going to visit with me. twisting my head, i concentrated on the spot beside me. nothing happened at first and i started to worry that nothing would. and then, so suddenly that it surprised me, lil was sitting beside me, laughing at darren and sammy who were playfully smacking each other.
"hey, beautiful," i whispered, as i leaned over to kiss her. she grinned breathtakingly and met my lips halfway. i paused after a few light touches to her soft, fragrant skin. "are we fine?" i whispered, knowing how ridiculous that sounded, but needing her assurance anyway. our last meeting had been...intense. her hand came up to my cheek and she bit her lip while she searched my face. "luc...i..."
suddenly a couch pillow smacked me on the side of the head. irritated, i turned to glare at a laughing darren. he held his hands out. "what?" he pointed at me. "you had a rough day and brought us here for some fun...right?" he cocked his head to the side and twisted his lips into a frown. "not some emotional outpouring of everything that's going on, everything we never got to say to each other," his hands mimed lips talking, "yada, yada, yada..."
i laughed and felt myself relaxing, and lil beside me did as well. "yeah, let's just play." i decided then, that any painful conversations i wanted to have with lil, over our intimacies lately, and darren, over his brother, could wait. tonight, i just wanted to have fun with my friends again.
playing that dream game of life with my deceased friends, brought a smile to my lips that lasted the entire time. i held lil's hand as we teased each other over the careers we received - her, a well paid superstar, me, a struggling artist - and gave her a kiss when she got married. after seeing that, darren commented that she was having an affair on her blue husband, which made us both giggle. for his part, darren kept the mood in the room light, helping to give me a nice memory to take with me tomorrow, when i rejoined the harsh "real" world. i wished i could stay in this quiet room forever, playing board games with my friends - watching lil gaze at me lovingly, watching sammy laugh as she raked in the dough, and watching darren complain about sammy's "life".
"seriously, another kid? are you a part puppy or something?" he grumbled when she landed on yet another "baby" space.
she grinned and shrugged. "i guess i'm really fertile. besides, i like kids." she raised an eyebrow at him. "they help you win the game, you know." she looked at his car piece, pointedly.
he scowled and pointed at her packed car on the game board. "for fuck's sake, sammy...you've got five of the little bastards already. they don't even fit in the car." he smirked at her. "couldn't you turn down your deadbeat husband every once in awhile?" he motioned to the back of her car, where a lone blue person was surrounded by a sea of pink. "i mean, you put the poor, jobless jerk-off in the back seat." he grinned wryly at her while lil and i laughed. "how much love could there be?"
sammy twisted her lips in an amused expression of annoyance. "it's better than your situation." she pointed to darren's car, where only his blue piece and a fallen over pink one resided. "and what exactly is your wife doing anyway, with her head buried in your lap like that?" i laughed as i looked at darren's car; it really did look like that.
darren chuckled at her and grinned seductively. he flicked a glance at me and i knew he was about to say something that was going to get him smacked. i grinned while he shrugged. when he did answer her, his voice was deeper and huskier. "that's just where i prefer my women."
sure enough, sammy's hand flashed out and smacked him harshly across the chest. he grunted while she laughed at him, lil and me joining in her merriment. "oh, come on, cherry pie," he jokingly told her.
she gasped at his nickname. while he'd told me once that he called her that because of her reddish hair, she had always chosen to see the dirtier side of the pet name, and usually smacked him harshly whenever he said it. although, with the glint in her eye whenever he did, i was pretty sure the nickname turned her on. i was also pretty sure the name was repeated in their bed with far less violent results.
with an impish grin, she reached behind her to a container of dip that we'd been snacking on with some chips i'd conjured up. dipping in her finger, she withdrew a glob and then swiftly flicked it at darren. it hit his shirt and he looked down at the mess, surprised. his eyes snapped up to where we were all giggling almost uncontrollably. his surprised face turned devilish. "oh, it's on now!"
darren grabbed her wrist and pulled her on top of him as he lay down beside the board. he flipped her on her back and proceeded to run his hands up and down her sides while holding her legs firmly entwined in his. she screamed and squirmed as he tickled her. in between her fits of laughter and tears, she begged lil and me for help, but wiping tears from our own eyes, we shook our heads. neither one of us were going to get mixed up in their flirting.
lil and i glanced at each other when our friends shifted to wrestling...or foreplay. she smiled warmly at me, running a hand over my forehead and brushing aside some of my hair. she sighed and looked torn about something. i was about to ask her "what" when she leaned forward and pressed her lips to mine. her hand snaked around behind my neck, pulling me close as our mouths moved together. my heart surged and i cupped her face with my hands, my thumbs brushing over her cheekbones as the tips of my fingers twisted around her silky, pale hair.
just as the kiss was deepening, as my head was tilting so i could feel more of her lips on mine, feel more of her tongue against mine, another pillow dinged me. seriously annoyed now, i glared over at a laughing darren. he held his hands up in surrender under the intensity of my sneer. "hey...i know how you two are when you get going..." he pointed down at the board game between us, "can we finish the game before the nakedness starts?"
lil, her face still cupped in my hands, laughed, embarrassed, and pulled back from my fingers. i smiled and laughed with her, matching her tone, and then brought her over to my lap so i could put my arms around her and feel the life and warmth of the woman i loved while we finished our game. she giggled and settled down, grabbing my free hand and interlacing our fingers while she rested back on my chest. i kissed her head, the smell of her favorite shampoo suddenly assaulting me, while the ends of her long strands tickled my arm. with a grin plastered on my face, i pulled her tight and leaned over to spin the dial - ready to finish my game of life.