as we troop into cafe rouge she casts alf a baleful look, and he waves cheerfully back.

'everyone should order lots,' i say as we find a table. 'i mean, we'll be here a while, waiting for alf. have a sandwich, a croissant, a steak ... it's all on me ... minnie, no.' i hastily remove the sugar lumps before she can grab them all.

'where's luke?' says mum suddenly.

'he's at the estate agent's,' i say truthfully.

'getting the keys, i expect,' says dad, nodding cheerfully. 'i think i'll have a panini.'

i try to spin out lunch for as long as i can. but no one wants steak at ten twenty in the morning, and there's only so many croissants you can eat. we've each had two cappuccinos, and luke still hasn't texted any good news, and minnie's already bored with all the toys in the play box. and now, to my alarm, mum and dad are getting fidgety.

'this is ridiculous!' mum suddenly says, as she watches alf order yet another hot chocolate. 'i'm not waiting around here for some jobsworth driver to finish his lunch! graham, you wait here and becky and i will walk to the house. we can walk from here, can't we, love?'

i feel a stab of alarm.

'i don't think that's a good idea, mum,' i say hurriedly. 'i think we should wait for luke and all go in the van.'

'don't be silly! we'll call luke and tell him we're going straight there. we can pick the keys up on the way. what's the address? is it near?'

mum's already gathering her things together and picking up minnie's mittens. this isn't good. i need to keep everyone contained in cafe rouge.

'i'm not sure exactly where it is,' i say hastily. 'really, it would be much better to wait. let's have another coffee-'

'no problem!' janice has produced a little a-z bound in red leather. 'i never travel anywhere without it,' she explains brightly. 'now, what's the name of your new road, becky? i'll be able to locate it in a trice!'

shit.

everyone's looking at me expectantly. the minute i say the name of the road they'll walk there and find out the truth.

'i ... um ...' i rub my nose, playing for time. 'i ... can't remember.'

'you can't remember?' says janice uncertainly. 'your own address?'

'love,' says mum with barely concealed impatience. 'you must know where you live!'

'i just don't remember the exact name of the street! i think it begins with ... b,' i add randomly.

'well, ring luke!'

'he's not answering,' i say hastily. 'he must be busy.'

mum and dad are exchanging looks, as though they never realized they had such a half-wit for a daughter.

'i'm not sitting here any longer!' mum clicks her tongue. 'becky, you said it was only a few streets away from the shops. we'll just walk around and you're bound to recognize it when we come to it. graham, you wait here for luke.'

she's standing up. there's nothing i can do. i shoot an agonized glance at alf, and call, 'just going for a walk!'

'now, think, becky,' says mum, as we all pile on to the street except dad. 'which direction is it?'

'er ... that way, i think.' i immediately point in the opposite direction to the house, and we all start trooping along.

'is it barnsdale road?' janice is running a finger down the a-z index. 'barnwood close?'

'i don't think so ...'

'becky, love!' mum suddenly erupts. 'how can you not remember the name of your own street? you're a home-owner. you have to take responsibility! you have to-'

'daddy!' says minnie in sudden joyful tones. 'daddeee!'

she's pointing inside the nearby glass frontage of the estate agent's office. there's luke, right in the window, laying into magnus, who looks absolutely terrified.

shit. why did i come this way?

'is that your estate agent?' mum glances up at the 'ripley and co'. 'well, that's all right! we can go in, find out the address and get the keys from them! well done, minnie, darling!'

'luke seems rather cross about something,' janice observes, as luke starts making savage gestures at magnus. 'is it the fixtures and fittings, love? because my advice is, it's not worth it. let them take the shower curtain. don't end up in court, like my brother did-'