i looked at him, a slight sarcastic smile on my face. "no, that's okay. i'm done with this toxic shit, tom. i don't know what your problem is, frankly i don't care, but it's enough for me to realize that i better get out now, suffer the heartache and give myself a chance to find someone who won't ditch me or treat me like crap without talking to me about whatever's bothering him. i don't trust you anymore."

the cab pulled up beside me and i opened the door. tom's hand came crushing over the edge, shutting it tight.

"drive on!" he told the driver and the cab sped away.

"what the hell!" i yelled in his face, not in the mood for his games.

"listen to me," he pleaded. "just listen to me for a second."

"no way in hell." i used the classic women's "don't fuck with me" expression and he backed off a bit. i held up my hand for the next oncoming cab and it pulled up beside me. "you must mistake me for a sucker, tom. i know exactly what's going on. you want out. you regret your time with me..."

"no!" he began but i cut him off with my hand.

"listen, i get it. you're not over kelly. you're feeling guilty about lying. you don't really love me and you don't want to lead me on. i've experienced this exact thing before. god, how i've experienced this same phenomenon over and over." i shook my head. "whatever. i may not be the keepable type, but i will be okay without you, tom."

and with those parting words, i left tom slack-mouthed on the walk, closing the door behind me and giving the cabbie the name of the hotel. tom began yelling at the cab and slamming his hands on the trunk, but i told the cabbie to step on it. i was going to be gone before he'd even know what happened and not a moment too soon either. i needed a place to hunker down for a while and hopefully ease the trouble i felt already brewing in my chest. i needed a reprieve from the impending doom and there was no better place than donovan's.

the two-hour flight from paris to cork was excruciating. the more i tried to hold back the tears, the more they wanted to burn past my lids. my chest constricted with every breath i took. so this is what real heartache is. i finally understood why tom became so bitter. there was nothing in the entire world like that feeling. death would have been so much easier.

donovan met me at the airport and i can honestly say i've never been so happy to see anyone in my life. the second i came within reach, i grabbed for him.

"donny," i said quietly, the tears already streaming down my face.

"ah, lass," he breathed out harshly. "come," he said, hugging me tightly, "let's get to killarney. you can tell me everythin' on the way."

the hourlong drive to killarney provided barely enough time to let donny in on the whole deal. he wasn't aware of the fire because i hadn't told anyone, not even my parents or siblings and he almost flipped out. what's the point in worrying them? i reassured him that it was just a minor burn and that over-the-counter meds would alleviate the pain, that's how minor it was.

donny's street was a series of shops all connected into one seemingly long building with different facades peppering each shop. donny lived above his own. the tears came down stronger at the sight of his little blue door.

"oh now, stop it, love. it'll all be okay," donny tried to soothe me.

i entered donny's shop and sprinted up the stairs to his tiny apartment, bursting through the door and toppling onto his sofa.

"what the heavens!" i heard from the kitchen

i turned onto my back but kept the accent pillow at my face. in a sobbing voice, i said, "hi, aunt briann."

"is that my january?" she said, her singsong voice making me lose it more.

"yes!" i wailed.

"oh, my pet." she came to sit on the sofa arm and started rubbing my hair. "donny told me a bit before he left. i'm sorry, love." she lifted me up by the shoulders. "come on, january, let's get to your room. you can lie a bit and i'll wake you for dinner. i'll get the rest from your uncle while you rest."

i nodded and she kissed my cheek because she couldn't reach my forehead. aunt briann was exceedingly beautiful and kind as hell. i don't know how surly donny got her.

"thank you, briann."

thomas

that cheeky wench had stunned me silent in front of that hospital. i'd been forced to gather my wits, but apparently i wasn't quick enough to catch her before she sped away. jason informed me that night that january was on "vacation" in killarney and that she'd return to new york city at the end of the week.

"the hell!" i told jason as i packed my shit for a one-way flight to cork.

"i thought kelly's wedding was tomorrow," he said as i stuffed everything in my duffel.

"it is."

"you're going to miss it?"

"no, i'm going to swing by killarney for miss assumption first and pick her up." jason cleared his throat at my glaringly obvious contradiction. "don't even start. i'm going to apologize for that," i told him.

i'd informed jason of everything that had gone on between january and me, including the phone call. "you're an idiot," he'd simply told me. "i know," i'd admitted. that was the end of that.

"then i'll see you at the wedding?" he asked.

"yes, with january in tow."

"good," he'd said.

i rented a car in cork and drove straight through to killarney, reaching january's uncle's door at two in the morning. i parked quickly and at a weird angle, hoping to god no one attempted to drive down the narrow street, and started pounding on donovan's door.

"january!" i yelled. "january! open up!"

"stop that poundin'!" a neighbor yelled from his window a few homes down.

"january!" i yelled, ignoring him. i repeatedly pounded again and again, desperate to see her.

the door whipped open just when i thought i couldn't take another second. "what are you doing?" a disheveled january asked me. god, she was glorious to look at!

she pulled me inside and closed the door. her eyes were red and made me want to kick my own ass.

"january," i began, but she cut me off with a finger to her lips.

"quiet, my aunt and uncle are asleep."

"sorry." i reached for her but thought better of it and reigned my hands back in. "please, january."

"why are you here, tom?" she asked, folding her arms across her attractive chest.

"i'm trying to explain to you what has been happening to me these past few days."

"i thought we already covered this," she spit out.

"no," i said, growing peeved. "listen to me. just let me explain, damn it!"

"fine," she gritted.

i took a deep breath. "i'm in love with you, january."

"no, you're-"

"stop! just let me say this." she didn't say anything, so i continued. "i'm in love with you, but i need your forgiveness because i'm going to admit something i'm really ashamed of."

"okay," she answered in hesitation.

she took a step back, wounding me, but i continued. "i, uh, i listened in on a conversation you had on the phone a few nights ago and i made some assumptions. i thought you were working with jonah, letting him know our exact location. i thought you were two-timing me."

"i would never do that," she said simply.

"i know that," i confessed. "i should have come to you about it, but i was so angry and felt so betrayed, i-"

"is that why you made me go to reine alone?"

"yes," i admitted.

tears sprang to her eyes and i reached for her.

"no," she said, holding up her hands to stop me, breaking my heart. "let me get this straight. you thought i was giving away our locations to that asshole and instead of coming to me and asking me about it, you assumed i was that untrustworthy, that my proclamation that i loved you was just bullshit?"

"it's shitty, i know, january."

"no," she said, laughing sarcastically. "what's shitty is that you thought i could fake all that. that every moment we'd ever shared on the road was not genuine." she shook her head. "that makes me sick to my stomach, tom."

she ran her hands across her belly and stepped back. she wanted distance. i took hold of her, panicked she was about to say what i thought she was about to say.

"don't," i said.

she brought her tear-filled eyes to mine. "but you already did. when you assumed i could be the type of person to do that, you admitted you didn't know me at all. how can you claim to love someone you don't know?"

"no," i told her, hugging her tighter, willing her to forgive me. "don't, january. please, i'm sorry. so, so sorry. please," i begged, "i couldn't survive if you broke my heart."

"stop," she said, openly bawling. "i've heard enough."

crying, she began to push me toward the door, but i refused to move. i just couldn't accept that it was over. i refused to acknowledge it.

she stood tall and stepped back from me. "get out," she whispered, continuing backward.

i watched as she inched her way to the stairwell and disappeared up the stairs. i was unmovable in the moment, my heart shattered at my feet and the one person capable of assembling the shards back into a working organ once more wanted nothing to do with me. and i deserved it.

i shuffled my leaden feet across the shop floor, closed the door behind me...

and pulled my hood over my head.

chapter twelve

this too shall pass

new york city

kelly's wedding

thomas

i walked into that wedding without a moment to spare. i say walked. i dragged my ass is more like it. dragged because my body may as well have weighed as much as the brooklyn bridge for all the motivation i had to get out of bed.

because january left me. she fucking left me and it was all my fault. for the first time in my entire life, i knew what it truly meant to be in love with someone, to know exactly who you're meant to be with, and never having a chance in hell of reconciling what you never intended to fuck up.

i found my family and squeezed in next to harper while the organ played.

"oh, jesus! you scared me!" harper said, grasping her chest. she hugged me fiercely and kissed my cheek. a small tear escaped her eye. "it's so good to see you, friend."

"you have no idea," i said, hugging her back.

i stood and hugged all my friends, lingering a bit at cherry.

"my lovely cherry, how are you?"

"i have never been happier to see you in all my life," she admitted, "but you look like shit." she peered around me. "where's your girl, baby?" the expression on my face must have revealed it all and her smile fell. i shook my head. "oh, tommy. it'll be okay. let me help you fix this."