"she's not ill," cherry said.

all the girls seemed to agree, including my mom.

"she's upset," harper added, nodding happily. "this is good."

"what? that's awful!" i told them.

"no, it's a good sign," my mom said. "it means she's not over you. this is a very good sign."

i gulped. "what should i do?" i asked them.

"we go to her."

"i don't know where she lives."

"how is that possible?" jason asked.

"it never came up!" i seethed.

"fine, i could get into trouble for this, but i'll look it up. be right back."

jason left to do his thing and everyone visibly relaxed.

"what should i say to her?"

"tell her you love her," kelly suggested.

"what if she doesn't want me?"

"patience, tom," cherry said again. "she does love you. pride's getting in the way, for both of you, it seems."

"tell her you know she still loves you," my sister christina said. "tell her you know what she did for you. that it's your proof."

"okay," i said, absorbing it all.

i backed up some more when the women started studying me more closely. "what? you're making me nervous."

"unzip your jacket," marty said, "and remove the hood."

i did as she said.

"better," cherry said, examining me.

"don't. that's it. i'm done. she'll listen to me regardless of the way i'm dressed."

"that's a very good thing," my mom said, making all the girls laugh.

"i-i, uh, need a moment," i said, feeling stifled.

i burst into the hall and breathed in the air, running my hands through my hair. i was beginning to suffocate with all the estrogen flowing in that room.

"just be yourself," i heard from behind me. callum.

i was so grateful he'd joined me. "you think?"

"yeah, just tell her how you truly feel, leave nothing out, trust me about that, and leave the rest up to fate," he said, leaning his body against the hall wall.

"thanks," i told him, running my hands through my hair.

"anytime."

"i've got it!" jason yelled down the hall.

just as suddenly, my office door clicked open and a sea of people came barreling my way. i barely had enough time to react as they ushered me in front of them, pushing me toward the elevator.

"you're not all coming with me!" i yelled.

"oh yes we are!" cherry shouted from the back of the crowd.

"you're not serious!" i said, stopping in front of them and taking in the sheer number. we wouldn't even fit in one elevator car.

"we are!" someone shouted.

"fine, but you're all waiting down the street."

i led the group of fifteen to the trains and we all piled in.

"this is ridiculous," i said under my breath.

"yes, it is," cherry agreed, "but if life wasn't ridiculous sometimes, what kind of life would it be?"

"a normal one," i countered playfully.

"hush it," she said, prodding my shoulder with hers. "you love it."

i did.

"it's gonna be a long train ride home if she says no," jason said after a few minutes.

"shut up, jason!" the girls said in unison.

"jeez louise!" he said, smiling deviously.

"oh my god, she's gonna say no," i said, beginning to hyperventilate.

harper sent jason a death glare. "no, she won't."

"how do you know?"

"because i just do, tom."

apparently january's grandma's house was only a ten-minute walk from the station so we decided to hoof it. every step i took january's direction made my body shake impossibly worse than the last.

january's home was a typical jersey split level, baby blue and ugly as hell. i stood just down the street from it, my family flanking me and immediately feeling for all the world like an absolute idiot for agreeing to bring them along.

"you all wait right here," i said with conviction, eyeing them all harshly. "i swear to god, if i see one of you girls anywhere near us, i'll have your prospective spouses whip you, fifties-style."

"ugh!" marty yelped. i focused in on her and she pretended to zip her mouth.

"stay. here."

i nervously walked january's way and shook out my hands to steady them, wiping the sweat onto the thigh of my jeans. i scaled the sidewalk to the front door. my finger lingered over the doorbell.

"here goes nothing."

chapter thirteen

settle down

january

i'd barely rinsed the conditioner from my hair when i heard the doorbell. i'd hopped in the shower almost immediately after coming home. i needed two things. one, i needed privacy so i could bawl my eyes out after seeing tom at seven where he proceeded to blow me off, making me feel worse than i ever thought i could. two, i needed the water to soothe myself and my aching heart.

who could that be? i thought as the doorbell rang again. i shrugged my shoulders and continued to cry into the falling water, sniffling like a little girl. they could sit on the porch for all i cared.

"you!" i heard loudly.

i turned the water off and stilled, listening for the commotion coming from the direction of the living room.

"you don't understand!" i heard my cousin collin say loudly.

i hopped out of the shower quickly and wrapped my short robe around myself. hauling ass outside of the bathroom, almost slipping on the wood in the hallway. sounds of fighting came from the front lawn along with...chanting? i ran to the front door and stepped out onto the front porch.

"what's going on?" i asked, stopping still at the sight of tom's hands around collin's neck. "tom?" i could feel the burn of tears beginning to surface again. "what-what's going on?"

"january," he said desperately, releasing his grip on my cousin and coming toward me. he stood on the bottom step beneath me.

collin fell to the grass, rubbing his neck. "do you know him?" he asked.

"yeah, this is tom," i explained, gesturing towards tom like an idiot. collin started laughing.

"what?" we both asked, turning his direction.

"this guy thought i was your boyfriend. he said he recognized me from the airport and told me i couldn't have you, that you belonged to him."

"tom," i sighed, realizing for the first time i was standing on my porch in a short ass robe, naked underneath and hair dripping in front of fifteen random people. "can i talk to you inside?" i asked.

"yeah," he said, climbing the porch steps.

i glanced behind me and saw a guy who looked exactly like tom but older.

"who are those people?" i asked quietly, as we entered my grandmother's home.

"uh, those are my parents and sister and friends."

"great, i just embarrassed myself in front of your entire family."

"i'm so sorry, january," he said, running his hands over his face and through his hair. "this was not how this was supposed to go."

i led him into my room and shut the door. "you attacked my cousin."

"about that," tom said, sighing deeply. "i'm so sorry," he began but stopped short when i burst out laughing. "what?"

"nothing, i just- never mind. why are you here?"

tom stood tall and stepped closer to me, grabbing my shoulders in the process. "i'm in love with you, january maclochlainn, and i want you to take me back."

the tears had already started flowing. i couldn't stop them. his mere touch was enough to break me down. "why?"

"because you love me as well."

"no, i don't," i lied.

"yes, you do."

my head fell toward my feet and a soft sob escaped my lips. "you hurt me so badly, tom. for weeks, i felt like i had to tiptoe around you. i was walking on eggshells and when i finally felt comfortable enough to stomp around, you pulled the rug out from under me. i don't think i could take another surprise like that. it's not healthy, no matter how much i'm in love with you."

"january," he said, hugging me closely. irrationally, i worried that my hair would soak his shirt. "i am so sorry for not trusting you in europe. i never really believed you would betray me like that. i think i was just scared of what you are to me."

"and what am i to you?" i asked, looking up into his blue eyes.

"you're the love of my life, january maclochlainn," he said without shame.

he ran his hands along my forehead and down my face, stopping at my collarbone. he stared at me like i was the last woman on earth.

and the tears came in droves. "don't say things like that to me, tom."

"i'm not just saying them because i think that's what you want to hear. i'm telling you this because it's the truth. i can't live without you, j. you're it. you're it. get me?"

i nodded, afraid to speak. he took me in his arms and brought me closer, inching me nearer to his chest slowly as if he was frightened i'd spook. his eyes searched my face like he was drinking me in for the last time. "god, i love you," he said without thinking.

he brought his mouth to mine and i could feel the desperation he felt for me. it matched mine completely. i grazed my hands up his shoulders and wrapped them around his neck. staring at him afforded me the first sense of peace i'd felt in the weeks since i last saw him.

his lips moved over mine languidly and i felt drunk from the warmth of his breath. his bottom lip trembled against mine in restraint and i decided to give him the permission he was begging for.

i pressed the kiss deeper, breathing in deeply through my nose. i was on the brink of ecstasy. incredible, i thought. i broke free a moment and told him how i felt before diving back in.

"january," he whispered, sending a thrill up my arms and legs, where it pooled in my belly.

his tongue stung sweetly and i realized i wanted to be the only one who would be able to taste him forever. we edged slowly toward the bed, never breaking the kiss and toppled onto my disheveled quilt. tom was wedged between my legs and my robe came undone a little, the edge of my breasts exposed.

we stopped for just a moment, realizing where things were headed. his eyes roamed my entire body before he ran the backs of two fingers over the exposed skin at my chest. "you're so beautiful, january," he told me.

i brought him closer to me and i kissed him fiercely. i was ready for him.

"i want you," i told him.

"i want you too," he said, kissing me deeper.

his right hand followed the line of my body starting at my shoulders, his thumb cupping underneath my breast before continuing down, pinching my hip and holding the back of my thigh, bringing my leg up and around him.