6

in the morning mama asked tatiana if she was pleased with herself. no, tatiana replied. not particularly.

after they had all left, she started to get ready to go to the hospital. there was a knock on the door, and when she opened it, she found alexander standing outside.

"i can't let you in," tatiana said, pointing to zhanna sarkova, who walked out of her room and stood in the corridor looking suspiciously at them. anxiety and excitement mixed in equal measure inside tatiana. she couldn't let him inside, couldn't close the door, not with sarkova standing watching them, yet-

"don't worry," alexander said, striding in. "i've got a whole platoon waiting for me downstairs. we're going to barricade the southeastern streets." he paused. "terrible news. mga fell to the germans yesterday."

"oh, no, not mga." tatiana remembered alexander's words about the trains. "what does it mean for us?"

alexander shook his head. "it's the end. i just wanted to make sure you were all right after yesterday. and," he said pointedly, "that you weren't going to work."

"i am."

"tatia, no."

"shura, i am."

"no." he raised his voice.

glancing behind him, tatiana said, "i want you to know that that woman is definitely going to say something to my family about you coming by. i guarantee it."

"that's why you're going to give me my cap that i left here yesterday. during inspection this morning, i got fined. i need it."

tatiana left the door open while alexander went into the bedroom to retrieve his cap.

"please don't go to the hospital," he said, coming out and standing in the hallway.

"alexander, i'm going crazy. all day, every day. in the hospital at least i'll see some real suffering. it'll cheer me up."

"your leg is never going to heal if you stand all day on it. you have a couple more weeks until the cast comes off. go to work then."

"i am not staying here for another two weeks - the only hospital they'll put me in in two weeks will be a mental hospital!"

"i wish kirov weren't on the front line," alexander said softly. "you could go back to work there. i would meet you every day." he paused. "like i used to, remember?"

did she remember?

tatiana's heart was pounding. but there was sarkova standing in the corridor watching them through their open door.

alexander muttered, "that's it. i'm fed up," and shut the door.

tatiana opened her mouth and then closed it again. "oh, no," she said. "we're in more and more trouble."

he came closer to her.

she backed away from him.

alexander took another step toward her. "how is your nose?"

"it's fine. it's not broken."

"and how would you know?" he came closer.

she put her palms out. "shura, please."

there was a loud knock on the door. "tanechka, are you all right?"

"fine, thank you," tatiana called out.

the door knob turned, and sarkova opened the door. "i just wanted to know if you'd like me to make you anything to eat."

"no, thank you, zhanna," said tatiana, keeping a straight face.

sarkova glared at alexander, who turned to tatiana and rolled his eyes. tatiana nearly burst out laughing.

"we were just leaving," she said.

"oh, where are you going?"

"well, i'm going to work-"

alexander whispered, "no you're not."

"and lieutenant belov is going to build barricades."

alexander turned to zhanna. "barricades, comrade sarkova," he said, striding toward her. "do you know what those are? structures nearly three meters high by four meters thick, stretching for twenty kilometers."

sarkova backed away into the hall.

"and each barricade is supplied with eight machine-gun rests, ten antitank positions, thirteen mortar positions, and forty-six machine-gun points."

"oh."

"that's how we protect the city we love," alexander said, slamming the door.

tatiana stood behind him shaking her head, a smile of delight on her face. "you've done it now." she grabbed her bag. "let's go, barricade-builder."

they went out, locking the door behind them and leaving sarkova in the communal kitchen, grumbling into her tea.

as he was helping her down the stairs, alexander took hold of her hand. tatiana tried to pull away. "alexander-"

"no." he brought her to him on the stairwell landing.

tatiana felt the rumbling inside her, the rumbling of wood crackling on the rack of fire. "look," she said, "i will ask vera to put me to work in the hospital canteen. maybe you can come for lunch?" she smiled. "i'll serve you."

alexander shook his head. "though few things give me more pleasure than to have you feed me" - he smiled - "we'll be too far south. i won't be able to get back in time for lunch."

"shura, let go of me. we're on a landing in my building . . ."

he held onto her hand. sensing something, she said, "what's wrong?"

alexander hesitated, and his chocolate eyes melted sadness onto her. "oh, tania. i have to talk to you." he sighed. "i have to talk to you about dimitri."

"what about him?"

"i can't now. i need to talk to you at length and alone. come and see me tonight at st. isaac's."

tatiana's turbulent heart hammered in her chest. st. isaac's! "alexander, i can barely walk to the hospital three blocks away. how am i going to get to st. isaac's?" but tatiana knew: if she had to crawl dragging one leg behind her, she would get herself to the cathedral.

"i know. i don't want you to walk all that way without help. the streets are safe, but you . . ." he stroked her face. "do you have a friend who can take you up there?" he asked. "not anton. a female friend. a single female friend you can trust, who can help you and drop you off nearby? then you can just walk a block or two by yourself."

tatiana was quiet. "how am i going to get back home?" she said.

alexander smiled, bringing her closer to him. "as always," he said, "i will take you home myself."

she stared at his tunic buttons.

"tania, we desperately need to have a minute," he said. "and you know it."

she knew it. "this isn't right."

"it's the only thing that's right."

"all right. go."

"will you come?"

"i will try. now, go."

"lift your-"

before he stopped speaking, tatiana raised her face to him. they kissed deeply. "do you have any idea what i feel?" alexander whispered, his hands in her hair.

"no," tatiana replied, holding on to him, her legs numb. "i only have an idea what i feel."

that night a miracle happened. tatiana's cousin marina's phone was working. tatiana begged marina to visit her, and marina came, around eight. tatiana couldn't stop hugging her. "marinka, you are living proof that there is indeed a god in the heavens. i needed you so much," she said. "where have you been?"

"there is no god, you know that. where have i been?" marina said, laughing. "let go of me. where have you been? i heard all about your escapades in luga." she blinked. "i'm sorry about our pasha." brightening a bit, she said, "why do you look like a boy?"

"i have so much to tell you."

"obviously." marina sat down at the table in the room where just yesterday tatiana had stood behind alexander. "is there anything to eat? i'm so hungry."

marina was a big-hipped, small-breasted, dark-eyed girl with short black hair and clusters of birthmarks on her face. she was nineteen and in her second year at leningrad university. marina was the closest thing tatiana had to a best friend and a confidante. marina, tatiana, and pasha had spent many summer days romping around luga and nearby novgorod. the difference in their ages had become apparent only a year or so ago. tatiana simply no longer belonged with marina's crowd.

tatiana hastily gave marina some bread, some cheese, some tea and said, "marina, eat quick, because i need to go for a walk, all right? you look pretty in that dress. how was your summer?"

"we can't go for a walk. you can't walk. look at you. talk to me here." mama and papa were in the next room with dasha, listening to the radio. tatiana and marina were alone in the room; tatiana's family was not speaking to her after yesterday. chewing, marina looked tatiana over. "start with the hair. what happened to your hair? and why is your skirt so long?"

"i cut my hair. and the skirt hides the cast. get up. we need to go." tatiana pulled on marina's arm. she was in a hurry. alexander told her to come after ten, and here it was nearly nine, and she was still at fifth soviet. was she prepared to tell marina everything to get her to help? she pulled again at marina's plump arm. "let's go. enough eating."

"how are you going to walk? you can barely hobble. and why do we need to go anywhere? when is the cast coming off?"

"then let's go for a hobble. the cast feels as if it's never coming off. how do i look?"

marina stopped eating and eyed tatiana. "what did you just say?"

"i said let's go."

"all right," marina said, wiping her mouth and standing up. "what is going on?"

"nothing. why?"

"tatiana metanova! i know that something is seriously wrong."

"what are you talking about?"

"tania! i've known you for seventeen years, and you have never asked me how you looked."

"maybe if your phone were working more often, i would. are you going to answer me, or can we just go?"

"your hair is too short, your skirt is too long, your blouse is white and tight - what the hell is going on?"

finally tatiana got marina out the door. they walked slowly down grechesky, to insurrection square, where they took a tram down nevsky prospekt to the admiralty. tatiana walked supported by marina's arm. she had a little trouble walking and talking at the same time. the walking took most of her energy.

"tania, tell me, why did you jump off a moving train? is that how you broke your leg?"

"it's not how i broke my leg," said tatiana, "and i jumped off a moving train because that was what i had to do."

"did a ton of bricks fall on you because they had to, too?" marina asked with a chortle. "is that how you broke your leg?"

"yes, and are you going to stop?"

marina laughed. "i'm sorry about pasha, tanechka," she said, much more quietly. "he was the best boy."

"yes," said tatiana. "i wish i had found him."

"i know." marina paused. "this has not been a great summer. i haven't seen you since before the war started."

tatiana nodded. "you almost saw me. i was very close to coming and visiting you the day the war started."

"why didn't you?"

tatiana wished she could have told marina everything - about her emotion and her conscience, about her fear and confusion. what tatiana did instead was tell marina about dasha and alexander, and herself and dimitri, and herself and luga, and alexander's search for her. what tatiana didn't tell marina was the truth.

tatiana could barely trust herself not to slip in front of dasha amid the ice of constant lies on which she skated. how could she trust marina, who had nothing at stake? tatiana didn't tell her, sensing that truth forged a chasm between her and all the people she loved. how can that be? tatiana thought, as they came to the admiralty gardens and sat on a bench. how can it be that deceit and treachery and secrecy bonded her to other human beings instead of truth and trust and openness? how could it be that she could not trust a member of her own family with a personal matter? this life just seems to breed contempt for other human beings.

the admiralty gardens were laid out on the banks of the neva, between the palace bridge and st. isaac's. tatiana was not far from alexander. if she strained, she might be able to hear him breathe. she smiled. tall leafy elms branched out over the footpaths and the benches much the same as they did in the summer garden. the difference was, in the summer garden tatiana had walked and sat with him.

"tania," marina said, "is there a reason we're here?"

"no, marina," said tatiana. "we're just sitting and talking." she wished she had a watch. how late was it already?

"i used to come to this park," marina said. "once i even brought you. remember?"

tatiana, suddenly blushing, said, "yes . . . i do."

marina said, "i've had some good times in my life. they don't seem so far away. you think we'll have them again?"

"sure, marinka," said tatiana. "i'm counting on it. i haven't had any good times yet." she smiled at her cousin.

marina laughed. "not even with dima?"

"of course, not!" tatiana said, and didn't say anything else.

marina put her arm around tatiana. "don't be sad, tania. you'll get out of this city somehow."

tatiana shook her head. "no. there are no more trains, marinka. mga fell."

marina was quiet. "we haven't heard from papa for three days," she said. "he's been fighting at izhorsk. that's near mga, isn't it?"

"yes," tatiana said faintly. "it is."

marina held tatiana closer. "i don't think anyone is getting out of this city," she said. "my mama is so sick. my papa is . . ."

"i know," said tatiana, patting her cousin's leg. "we'll make it, marina. we just have to be strong."

"yes, especially you," marina said, with a shake of her head, shuddering away her unhappy thoughts. "will you tell me why you brought me here?"

"no."

"tania . . ."

"no. i have nothing to tell."

marina tickled tatiana's arm. "tania, tell me about dimitri."

"there is nothing to tell."

marina giggled. "i can't believe you of all people are seeing a soldier!" she looked askance at tatiana. "oh, no - you're not meeting him here later, are you?"

"no!" tatiana cried. "dima and i are just friendly."

"yes, sure. soldiers have only one way of being friendly, tania."

now it was tatiana's turn to look askance at her cousin. "what are you talking about?"

"remember i went out with a soldier last year?" marina made a derisive clicking sound with her tongue. "i glimpsed the life he lived and said forget it, i want no part of it. but this summer i was seeing someone nice, another student. he enlisted and went down to fornosovo." she stopped. "haven't heard from him since."

"what do you mean?" said tatiana. "what did you want no part of with soldiers? war, you mean?"

"tania, not war. women."

"women?" she said weakly.

"women - good-time girls, pick-me-up girls, garrison hacks, harlots - all kinds of women come to the bars and the clubs and the barracks offering themselves to garrison soldiers, and the soldiers accept. all of them. it's just what they do. like having a smoke. every time they're off duty, every time they have time off at the weekend, every time they get furlough." marina shook her head. "i don't know how you're keeping dimitri away. easy women, difficult women, young girls like you, it's all the same to soldiers - just one big conquest party to them."

in a small, horrified voice, tatiana said, "marinka, what are you talking about? not in leningrad. that's only in the west. in america."

marina burst out laughing. "tania, i love you," she said, putting an arm around her. "i really do. you are just-"

"that's not alexander," muttered a shaken tatiana.

"who? oh, dasha's guy. no? ask dasha." marina laughed. "how do you think he met her?"

dasha did meet alexander in sadko. "you're not saying . . ."

"ask dasha, tania."

"you don't know what you're talking about!" tatiana was sorry she'd ever called her.

when tatiana remained silent, marina continued. "look, the point i'm making is that you have to be careful with a soldier like dimitri, especially you of all people. they expect certain things. and when they don't get the things they expect, they take them anyway. do you understand?"

tatiana kept quiet. how in the world had they started talking about this?

"are you still friendly with anton iglenko? he is a nice boy, and he really likes you."

"marina!" tatiana shook her head. "anton is my friend." she sat breathing heavily, keeping her hands steady on her lap. "he doesn't like me."

marina smiled, ruffling tatiana's hair. "you're adorable, tania. and blind as always. remember misha? remember how stuck on you he was?"

"who?" tatiana strained to remember. "misha from luga?"

marina nodded. "for three summers in a row. pasha couldn't keep him away from you."

"you're crazy." tatiana and misha used to hang upside down from trees together. she taught him how to do cartwheels. and pasha, too.

marina asked, "tania, have you ever talked to dasha about these things?"

"god, no!" tatiana exclaimed, trying to get up. she felt as if she were being stabbed repeatedly with a blunt kitchen utensil.

marina helped her stand. "well, i suggest you do. she's your older sister. she should help you. but be careful with dimitri, tania. you don't want to be just another notch in some soldier's belt."

tatiana tried to think of alexander as she knew him. she knew nothing about that part of him. a vision of his head appeared, softly kissing the top of her breast when she lay wounded in his tent. she shook her head. what marina was describing, that was not her alexander.

then tatiana remembered dimitri's comment about alexander's extracurricular activities. she felt ill. "let's go home," she said dejectedly, and slowly they walked back to the tram stop on nevsky. tatiana told marina that she didn't have to go all the way back home with her. "i'm going to be fine. i can walk home from insurrection square. honestly. look, your bus home will come any minute. don't worry for a second about me."

marina said she could not leave tatiana alone at night in the middle of the city. it hadn't occurred to tatiana that she should be afraid of anything. "alexander told us that violent crime has fallen off dramatically since war began. it's almost nonexistent."

"oh, well, if alexander told you . . ." marina said, peering at tatiana's face. "are you all right?"

"i'm great. go," tatiana said, and then she saw a sad reluctance in marina that she had not seen at first, so wrapped up was she in her own upset haze. focusing, she studied marina for a moment. she couldn't see. reaching out, she touched marina's face. marina blinked. tatiana saw. "who is home, marina?" tatiana asked quietly. "who are you going home to?"

"no one," marina replied, just as quietly. "mama's in the hospital. papa's gone. down the hall, the lublins-"

"marinka," tatiana said softly, "don't stay by yourself. come and live with us. we have room now. deda and babushka have left. you don't want to be alone. come on. you'll sleep with dasha and me."

"really?" marina said.

tatiana nodded. "really."

"tania, have you asked your parents about this?"

"i don't need to. just pack your things and come. your mother is my father's sister. he will not say no. come, all right?"

marina gave tatiana a hug. "thank you," she whispered. "i've been feeling so alone in those rooms without mama and papa."

tatiana patted marina, and said, "i know - look! your bus!"

waving to tatiana, marina ran across nevsky to catch her bus, and tatiana sat on the bench and waited for her tram to go back home.

she felt sick to her stomach.

her tram came; the doors opened. the conductor looked at her. tatiana shook her head. the tram left.

how could she not go to see him? she could not stay away from him.

getting up, tatiana limped past the admiralty gardens to st. isaac's.

two soldiers were walking toward her. stopping in front of tatiana, they banged their rifles on the pavement and asked where she was headed. she told them.

one soldier said st. isaac's was closed this time of night. she said yes, but she was looking for a lieutenant belov. they knew him, and their serious faces relaxed. one soldier said, "i told you, viktor, that we should have enrolled in officers' school, and you didn't believe me."

"i thought it'd be more work, not more-" he glanced at tatiana and broke off. "and who are you?"

"his cousin from krasnodar."

"oh. cousin," said viktor. "well, come with us. we'll take you to him. i don't know how you're going to get up to the observation arcade with that cast. it's about two hundred steps up a spiral staircase."

"i'll make it," tatiana said.

st. isaac's had never seemed so far away from nevsky, even though it was less than a kilometer. by the time they got to the cathedral, she was panting and her leg was throbbing. in front of the cathedral on the banks of the neva, tatiana saw the shape of the statue of peter the great on his steed - the bronze horseman - a faint silhouette covered with a wooden form filled with canvas and sand. the bronze horseman was built by catherine the great as a tribute to peter the great for building leningrad. tonight nothing could be seen of the black horse or the majestic rider or his outstretched hand; just sandbags to protect the statue from the germans.

viktor said, "tomorrow they're going to impose a curfew on the whole city. no more evening excursions. so make this meeting with lieutenant belov count, cousin."

they brought her inside the cavernous granite hall. she heard the light beating of the pendulum the communists had placed inside the cathedral to turn the place of worship into a science museum.

the guard at the narrow opening to the staircase asked if tatiana was clean.

"well, i think so. she's not carrying any bombs."

"did you search her?"

"let me," said viktor. he ran his hands over her ribs, making tatiana grimace. she felt an increasing anxiety. being alone with three soldiers in a dark, ominous building, with alexander high up and unable to hear her, made her fear things she could not imagine. it was an irrational fear, she told herself, as viktor's hands moved down to her hips. he held her a little tighter, and suddenly her fear got the better of her. "maybe one of you can just," she said, trying to step away, "let him know i'm here." she took another breath. "you know what? i'll just be getting back. you can tell him i stopped by."

a voice coming down from the staircase said, "let go of her." it was alexander, who appeared in the doorway with his rifle. tatiana breathed immediate relief.

viktor quickly let go. "nothing to it, lieutenant. we were just checking her for weapons. she says she is your cousin from-"

"private!" alexander came up close to viktor, towering over him. "we have standards, private, even in the red army. these standards do not allow us to menace young girls. unless you want to face disciplinary action, i suggest you don't let me catch you doing that again." he put his hand on tatiana's back and said to his men, "you two, go back on the street where you belong. corporal, you stay here until you're relieved by petrenko and kapov."

"yes, sir," the three soldiers said in unison. the corporal took his post by the doorway.

alexander was trying not to smile. "it's quite a hike up," he said, his hand on her back, prodding her to the staircase. "come on." when they were around a column and not seen by anyone's eyes, alexander smiled broadly. "tania . . ." he said, "i'm so happy you came to see me."

sighing, melting, warming, tatiana said softly, "me, too."

"did they scare you? they're harmless," he said, stroking her hair.

"if they're so harmless, why did you come down?"

"i heard your voice and theirs. they're harmless, but you sounded scared." he was looking at her so . . .

"what?" tatiana said shyly.

"nothing." alexander crouched in front of her. "go on. grab my neck. remember how to do this?"

"you're going to carry me up two hundred stairs?"

"it's the least i can do after you came all this way. can you hold my weapon?"

holding on to the rails, he propelled himself up with her hands around his neck. hoping he wouldn't notice, tatiana silently kissed the back of his military tunic.

alexander brought her into a glassed-in circular arcade with five columns that partially obstructed the view of the horizon and the sky. setting her down, he took his rifle from her and propped it against the wall of the gold dome. "we have to go out on the balcony for a clearer view. will you be all right?" he smiled. "we're very high up. you're not afraid of heights, are you?"

"i'm not afraid of heights, no," tatiana said, looking up at him.

they walked out onto a narrow outdoor balcony deck circling the arcade above the rotunda. a short iron railing ran around the deck. the view from up here would have been quite striking, tatiana thought, if only leningrad weren't prepared for war. all the lights were extinguished, and in the black of night she could not make out even the white airships floating silently in the dark sky. the air was cool and smelled of fresh water.

"what do you think? nice up here?" alexander said, coming up to her. tatiana couldn't move if she wanted to. she was between him and the railing.

"mmm," she said, peering into the night, afraid to look at him, afraid to let him see her heart. "what do you do here all by yourself, night in and night out?"

"nothing. sit on the floor. smoke. think."

alexander threaded his arms around her waist and closed his hands on her stomach, pressing her into him. she felt his lips at her neck whisper, "oh, tatia . . ."

how instant it was, desire. it was like a bomb exploding, fragmenting and igniting all her nerve endings.

not desire.

burning desire for alexander.

tatiana tried to move aside, but he held her too tightly. all she wanted was to sink to the ground. why was that? why, every time he touched her, did she want to lie down? "shura, wait," she said, not recognizing her own voice, which, thick with longing, said, come here, come, come. tatiana closed her eyes, muttering, "i don't see any planes."

"me neither."

"are they coming?" she moaned softly.

"yes. the placards are finally right. the enemy is at the gates." he continued to kiss her under the wisps of her hair.

"do you think there is any chance we could get out?"

"not a chance. you're trapped in the city." his hot breath and his moist lips on her neck were making her shiver.

"how will it be?"

he didn't answer.

"you said you wanted to talk to me . . ." tatiana said hoarsely.

"talk?" alexander said, holding her stomach tight against him.

"yes, talk . . . to me . . . about . . ." she couldn't remember what. "dimitri?"

he pulled her blouse away and kissed her shoulder blade. "i like your blouse," he whispered, his mouth on her skin.

"stop it, shura, please."

"no," he said, rubbing against her back. "i can't stop." he breathed into her hair. "any more than i can stop breathing."

alexander's hands moved to rest below her breasts. her healing ribs hurt slightly and exquisitely from his touch, and tatiana couldn't help herself, she moaned. squeezing her tighter, he turned her around to him, his mouth on her throat and whispered, "no, you can't make a sound. everything carries downstairs. you can't let them hear you."

"then take your hands off me," tatiana whispered back. "or cover my mouth."

"i'll cover your mouth, all right," he said, kissing her fervidly.

after three seconds tatiana was ready to pass out. "shura," she moaned, grasping on to him. "god, you need to stop. how do we stop?" the pulling in her stomach was fierce.

"we don't."

"we do."

"we don't," he repeated, his lips on her.

"i don't mean . . . i mean, this? how do we ever get relief from this? i can't go through my days like this, thinking of you. how do we get relief?"

alexander pulled back from her lips. "the only thing i want in my whole life," he whispered hotly, "is to show you how we get relief, tania." his hands held her to him in a vise.

tatiana remembered marina's words. you are just a conquest to a soldier. and despite herself, despite the unflappable certainty in the things she believed to be true, despite the shining moment with alexander at the top of the sacred cathedral up in the leningrad sky, tatiana's worst got the better of her. not trusting her own instincts, scared and doubting, she pushed alexander away.

"what's the matter?" he said. "what?"

tatiana fought for her courage, struggled for the right words, afraid of asking, afraid of hearing his answer, afraid of making him angry or upset. he didn't deserve it, and in the end she trusted and believed in him so much that it made her like herself less to think that she would give the cynical marina any credit for her ill-chosen words. yet the words sat in her chest and churned in her anxious, aching stomach.

tatiana didn't want to burden alexan-->>

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