peter's darkened city

there was no longer any denying that what was happening to leningrad was nothing like what they could have ever imagined.

marina's mother died.

mariska died.

anton died.

the shelling continued. the bombing continued. there were fewer incendiaries falling, and tatiana knew this because there were fewer fires, and she knew this because as she walked to fontanka, there were fewer places for her to stand and warm her hands.

as she was making her way to the store one november morning, tatiana noticed two dead people lying in the street. on the way back two hours later there were seven. they weren't injured, and they weren't wounded. they were just dead. she made the sign of the cross as she walked past them, stopped and thought, what did i just do? did i make the sign of the cross on dead people? but i live in communist russia. why would i do that? she made the sign of the hammer and sickle as she slowly walked on.

there was no place for god in the soviet union. in fact, god clearly went against the principles by which they all lived their lives: faith in work, in living together, in protecting the state against nonconformist individuals, in comrade stalin. in school, in newspapers, on the radio, tatiana heard that god was the great oppressor, the loathsome tyrant who had kept the russian worker from realizing his full potential for centuries. now, in post-bolshevik russia, god was just another roadblock in the way of the new soviet man. the communist man could not have an allegiance to god because that would mean his first allegiance was to something other than the state. and nothing could come before the state. not only would the state provide for the soviet people, but it also would feed them and it would give them jobs and protect them from the enemy. tatiana had heard that in kindergarten, and through nine years of school and in the young pioneer classes she attended when she was nine. she became a pioneer because she had no choice, but when it was time for her to join the young komsomols in her last year of school, she refused. not because of god necessarily, but just because. somewhere deep inside, tatiana had always thought she would not make a very good communist. she liked mikhail zoshchenko's stories too much.

as a child in luga, tatiana had known some religious women who were always trying to get their hands on her, to baptize her, to teach her, to make her believe. she would run from them, hiding behind the lilac tree in the neighbors' garden, and watch them shuffle down the village road, but not before they made airy crosses on her with benevolent smiles on their faces, every once in a while lovingly calling out to her, tatia, tatia.

tatiana made another sign of the cross, this time on herself. why was that so conspicuously comforting?

it's as if i'm not alone.

she went to sit inside the church across the street from her building. do churches ever get bombed? she wondered. did st. paul's in london get bombed? if the germans couldn't be smart enough to destroy the magnificently conspicuous st. paul's, how were they ever going to find the little church she was in? she felt safer.

at the post office tatiana had to step over a dead man to get inside. he had died on the doorstep. "how long has he been here?" she asked the postmaster.

toothlessly he grinned. "i'll tell you for another cracker."

"i don't want to know that badly," she replied, "but i'll give you a cracker anyway."

in the dark no one could see what was happening to their bodies. no one could face what was happening to their bodies either. dasha removed all the mirrors from their rooms and from the kitchen. no one wanted to catch even an accidental glimpse of themselves. they stopped looking at one another. no one wanted to catch even an accidental glimpse of someone they loved.

to hide her own body from herself and everyone else, tatiana wore a flannel undershirt, a flannel shirt, her own wool sweater, pasha's wool sweater, a pair of heavy stockings, long trousers, a skirt over them, and her quilted winter coat. she took off her coat to sleep.

dasha mentioned that she had lost her breasts, and marina said, breasts? i don't have a mother anymore, and you're talking about breasts? wouldn't you trade breasts for your mother? i would. and dasha apologized, but in the kitchen she broke down crying and said, "i want my breasts back, tanechka."

tatiana gently rubbed dasha's back. "come on, now," she said. "courage, dasha. we're not doing too badly. look, we have some oatmeal left. go inside. i'll make you some."

after aunt rita died, marina still went out every morning to university, even though, as she told tatiana, the professors taught nothing, there were no books and no lectures. but there was some heat, and marina could sit in the library for a few hours until she could go to the canteen and get her clear soup.

"i hate soup," marina said. "hate it now. it's so meaningless."

"it's not meaningless. it's hot water," said tatiana, as she crouched beside her dwindling bag of sugar. they still had some barley left. "don't touch the barley," she said. "it will be our dinner for the next month."

"there is hardly a cupful in the bag!" marina exclaimed in disbelief.

"it's a good thing you can't eat it raw," tatiana said. but she was wrong. the next day there was less barley in the bag.