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"that depends," bella said.
"on?" jacob encouraged her to continue her thought.
"on whether he acts differently or not," bella said. "if he starts acting even more moody than he already is, it would be hard to miss."
"would you forgive him... if he did kill this guy?" jacob asked.
"i don't think he's the monster that he seems to think he is," bella said in a way to answer.
"that's not an answer," jacob said.
"i don't want him to kill him," bella said, "but it wouldn't change the way i think of him."
i was trying to be good enough for her. it was an impossible goal. i would keep trying.
"what's wrong?" she whispered.
her breath filled my nose, and i was reminded why i could not deserve her. after all of this, even with as much as i loved her??she still made my mouth water.
jacob shivered at that, a little afraid how he would react to this in his maddened state, but he wasn't too worried.
"how does my scent make it so he doesn't deserve me?" bella said a little angrily.
i would give her as much honesty as i could. i owed her that.
"sometimes i have a problem with my temper, bella." i stared out into the black night, wishing both that she would hear the horror inherent in my words and also that she would not. mostly that she would not. run, bella, run. stay, bella, stay.
"it really is a wonder why you would be confused by this guy at all," jacob chuckled. "he's not conflicted at all."
"but it wouldn't be helpful for me to turn around and hunt down those??" just thinking about it almost pulled me from the car. i took a deep breath, letting her scent scorch down my throat. "at least, that's what i'm trying to convince myself."
"oh."
she said nothing else. how much had she heard in my words? i glanced at her furtively, but her face was unreadable. blank with shock, perhaps. well, she wasn't screaming. not yet.
"why would you be screaming?" jacob asked.
"because he admitted that he wanted to hunt those people down," bella said after a moment's thought. "i think. you know because most humans wouldn't say something like that."
"yeah, right," jacob said angrily. "i wouldn't mind hunting those bastards down."
"then maybe it was something else," bella shrugged.
it was quiet for a moment. i warred with myself, trying to be what i should be.
what i couldn't be.
"jessica and angela will be worried," she said quietly. her voice was very calm, and i was not sure how that could be. was she in shock? maybe tonight's events hadn't sunk in for her yet. "i was supposed to meet them."
did she want to be away from me? or was she just worried about her friends' worry?
"the latter," bella answered, she was sure that she wanted him around right about now... and that it might be his presence that was keeping her so calm at the moment.
i didn't answer her, but i started the car and took her back. every inch closer i got to the town, the harder it was to hold on to my purpose. i was just so close to him??
if it was impossible??if i could never have nor deserve this girl??then where was the sense in letting the man go unpunished? surely i could allow myself that much??
"don't," bella said, she didn't want him to do that and then give up on her...
no. i wasn't giving up. not yet. i wanted her too much to surrender.
we were at the restaurant where she was supposed to meet her friends before i'd even begun to make sense of my thoughts. jessica and angela were finished eating, and both now truly worried about bella. they were on their way to search for her, heading off along the dark street.
"that would not be good," jacob tensed, he thoughts going to the sick bastard.
"no... it wouldn't," bella shivered.
it was not a good night for them to be wandering??
"how did you know where???" bella's unfinished question interrupted me, and i realized that i had made yet another gaffe. i'd been too distracted to remember to ask her where she was supposed to meet her friends.
but, instead of finishing the inquiry and pressing the point, bella just shook her head and half-smiled.
what did that mean?
"i don't know," bella said, she was questioning her reaction just as much as edward had.
jacob started chuckling at her expression.
"so i guess that's the face that you make when you're annoyed that edward can't just read your mind so you would know what your book self was thinking," jacob said laughing harder as bella stuck her tongue out at him.
well, i didn't have time to puzzle over her strange acceptance of my stranger knowledge. i opened my door.
"what are you doing?" she asked, sounding startled.
not letting you out of my sight. not allowing myself to be alone tonight. in that order. "i'm taking you to dinner."
bella smiled at that. dinner... with edward!
well this should be interesting. it seemed like another night entirely when i'd imagined bringing alice along and pretending to choose the same restaurant as bella and her friends by accident. and now, here i was, practically on a date with the girl. only it didn't count, because i wasn't giving her a chance to say no.
"i suppose he really can't give you a choice right now," jacob grimaced.
"it doesn't really matter... i would choose to stay with him anyway," bella shrugged.
she already had her door half open before i'd walked around the car??it wasn't usually so frustrating to have to move at an inconspicuous speed??instead of waiting for me to get it for her. was this because she wasn't used to being treated like a lady, or because she didn't think of me as a gentleman?
bella rolled her eyes at this, chuckling. "i've never had my door opened by someone else before."
"yeah... who still does that?" jacob chuckled too.
"i suppose i'll have to remember that he likes doing things like that," bella mumbled to herself.
i waited for her to join me, getting more anxious as her girlfriends continued in toward the dark corner.
"go stop jessica and angela before i have to track them down, too," i ordered quickly. "i don't think i could restrain myself if i ran into your other friends again." no, i would not be strong enough for that.
she shuddered, and then quickly collected herself. she took half a step after them, calling, "jess! angela!" in a loud voice. they turned, and she waved her arm over her head to catch their attention.
bella! oh, she's safe! angela thought with relief.
late much? jessica grumbled to herself, but she, too, was thankful that bella wasn't lost or hurt. this made me like her a little more than i had.
"just a tiny bit," jacob mumbled, but he still didn't care much about this shallow girl.
they hurried back, and then stopped, shocked, when they saw me beside her.
uh-uh! jess thought, stunned. no freaking way!
"it's like he's some kind of movie star or something," jacob rolled his eyes and bella chuckled at that.
edward cullen? did she go away by herself to find him? but why would she ask about them being out of town if she knew he was here?? i got a brief flash of bella's mortified expression when she'd asked angela if my family was often absent from school. no, she couldn't have known, angela decided.
jessica's thoughts were moving past the surprise and on to suspicion. bella's been holding out on me.
it was bella's turn to roll her eyes and jacob's to chuckle.
"where have you been?" she demanded, staring at bella, but peeking at me from the corner of her eye.
"i got lost. and then i ran into edward," bella said, waving one hand toward me.
her tone was remarkably normal. like that was truly all that had happened.
"how can you do that?" jacob shook his head and bella just shrugged.
she must be in shock. that was the only explanation for her calm.
"would it be all right if i joined you?" i asked??to be polite; i knew that they'd already eaten.
holy crap but he's hot! jessica thought, her head suddenly slightly incoherent.
bella narrowed her eyes at that; not liking the thought at all.
angela wasn't much more composed. wish we hadn't eaten. wow. just. wow.
now why couldn't i do that to bella?
"how do you know you're not doing that to bella?" jacob asked laughing as bella blushed.
"er??sure," jessica agreed.
angela frowned. "um, actually, bella, we already ate while we were waiting," she admitted. "sorry."
what? shut up! jess complained internally.
jacob chuckled at that, "yeah... who asked you to be honest?"
bella shrugged casually. so at ease. definitely in shock. "that's fine??i'm not hungry."
"i think you should eat something," i disagreed. she needed sugar in her bloodstream??though it smelled sweet enough as it was, i thought wryly. the horror was going to come crashing down on her momentarily, and an empty stomach wouldn't help.
bella wasn't sure if the horror was going to crash down on her, but it didn't really matter, she wanted edward to stay near her.
she was an easy fainter, as i knew from experience.
"only when blood's involved," bella said indignantly.
these girls wouldn't be in any danger if they went straight home. danger didn't stalk their every step.
and i'd rather be alone with bella??as long as she was willing to be alone with me.
"do you mind if i drive bella home tonight?" i said to jessica before bella could respond. "that way you won't have to wait while she eats."
"uh, no problem, i guess??" jessica stared intently at bella, looking for some sign that this was what she wanted.
i want to stay??but she probably wants him to herself. who wouldn't? jess thought. at the same time, she watched bella wink.
bella winked?
"oh my god... bella winked!" jacob boomed out laughing. "whatever could that mean?"
"shut up," bella mumbled weakly as she had turned bright red.
"okay," angela said quickly, in a hurry to be out of the way if that was what bella wanted. and it seemed that she did want that. "see you tomorrow, bella??edward." she struggled to say my name in a casual tone. then she grabbed jessica's hand and began towing her away.
i would have to find some way to thank angela for this.
"that would be nice," bella said, thinking that she owed this girl, too.
jessica's car was close by and in a bright circle of light cast by a streetlamp.
bella watched them carefully, a little crease of concern between her eyes, until they were in the car, so she must be fully aware of the danger she'd been in.
bella rolled her eyes... of course she was aware of the danger.
jessica waved as she drove away, and bella waved back. it wasn't until the car disappeared that she took a deep breath and turned to look up at me.
"honestly, i'm not hungry," she said.
"why did you wait so long to say that then?" jacob questioned.
"because i wanted to be with edward," bella rolled her eyes like that should have been obvious.
why had she waited for them to be gone before speaking? did she truly want to be alone with me??even now, after witnessing my homicidal rage?
whether that was the case or not, she was going to eat something.
"humor me," i said.
i held the restaurant door open for her and waited.
she sighed, and walked through.
i walked beside her to the podium where the hostess waited. bella still seemed entirely self-possessed. i wanted to touch her hand, her forehead, to check her temperature. but my cold hand would repulse her, as it had before.
oh, my, the hostess's rather loud mental voice intruded into my consciousness. my, oh my.
bella was now glaring at the book, annoyed by this reaction of the hostess.
it seemed to be my night to turn heads. or was i only noticing it more because i wished so much that bella would see me this way? we were always attractive to our prey. i'd never thought so much about it before. usually??unless, as with people like shelly cope and jessica stanley, there was constant repetition to dull the horror??the fear kicked in fairly quickly after the initial attraction??
"a table for two?" i prompted when the hostess didn't speak.
"oh, er, yes. welcome to la bella italia." mmm! what a voice! "please follow me." her thoughts were preoccupied??calculating.
maybe she's his cousin. she couldn't be his sister, they don't look anything alike. but family, definitely. he can't be with her.
bella grimaced at that, knowing that by all accounts the hostess should have been right, but still she was a bit smug by the fact that she was completely wrong.
"jealous much," jacob said. "she's just trying to build herself up by taking you down."
"whatever," bella shrugged before reading.
human eyes were clouded; they saw nothing clearly. how could this small minded woman find my physical lures??snares for prey??so attractive, and yet be unable to see the soft perfection of the girl beside me?
bella was blushing at that.
well, no need to help her out, just in case, the hostess thought as she led us to a family-sized table in the middle of the most crowded part of the restaurant. can i give him my number while she's there??? she mused.
bella read that part angrily and jacob chuckled.
i pulled a bill from my back pocket. people were invariably cooperative when money was involved.
bella was already taking the seat the hostess indicated without objection. i shook my head at her, and she hesitated, cocking her head to one side with curiosity.
"sorry... i just have never seen anyone refuse a table before... except in movies," bella said.
yes, she would be very curious tonight. a crowd was not the ideal place for this conversation.
"perhaps something more private?" i requested of the hostess, handing her the money. her eyes widened in surprise, and then narrowed while her hand curled around the tip.
"sure."
she peeked at the bill while she led us around a dividing wall.
fifty dollars for a better table?
"what?" bella said. "that's crazy!"
"i wish i had money to burn like that," jacob mused.
rich, too. that makes sense??i bet his jacket cost more than my last paycheck. damn. why does he want privacy with her?
she offered us a booth in a quiet corner of the restaurant where no one would be able to see us??to see bella's reactions to whatever i would tell her. i had no clue as to what she would want from me tonight. or what i would give her.
how much had she guessed? what explanation of tonight's events had she told herself?
"how's this?" the hostess asked.
"perfect," i told her and, feeling slightly annoyed by her resentful attitude toward bella, i smiled widely at her, baring my teeth. let her see me clearly.
whoa. "um??your server will be right out." he can't be real. i must be asleep. maybe she'll disappear??maybe i'll write my number on his plate with ketchup??
"why did he want her more entranced with him?" bella muttered darkly.
"actually... i think he was trying to scare her off," jacob chuckled. "it didn't seem to have worked quite right."
she wandered away, listing slightly to the side.
odd. she still wasn't frightened. i suddenly remembered emmett teasing me in the cafeteria, so many weeks ago. i'll bet i could have scared her better than that.
was i losing my edge?
"you really shouldn't do that to people," bella interrupted my thoughts in a disapproving tone. "it's hardly fair."
i stared at her critical expression. what did she mean? i hadn't frightened the hostess at all, despite my intentions. "do what?"
"dazzle them like that??she's probably hyperventilating in the kitchen right now."
"dazzle?" jacob questioned with a raised eyebrow and then laughed when bella blushed.
hmm. bella was very nearly right. the hostess was only semi-coherent at the moment, describing her incorrect assessment of me to her friend on the wait staff.
"oh, come on," bella chided me when i didn't answer immediately. "you have to know the effect you have on people."
"i dazzle people?" that was an interesting way of phrasing it. accurate enough for tonight. i wondered why the difference??
"well obviously it has something to do with bella," jacob smirked. "everything that's different with you is, after all, her fault."
"you haven't noticed?" she asked, still critical. "do you think everybody gets their way so easily?"
"do i dazzle you?" i voiced my curiosity impulsively, and then the words were out, and it was too late to recall them.
but before i had time to too deeply regret speaking the words aloud she answered,
"frequently." and her cheeks took on a faint pink glow.
bella was blushing a little there too, but mostly she was pleased that edward might finally understand that she liked him too, so he could stop thinking so hard about not deserving her.
i dazzled her.
my silent heart swelled with a hope more intense than i could ever remember having felt before.
"hello," someone said, the waitress, introducing herself. her thoughts were loud, and more explicit than the hostess's, but i tuned her out. i stared at bella's face instead of listening, watching the blood spreading under her skin, noticing not how that made my throat flame, but rather how it brightened her fair face, how it set off the cream of her skin??
the waitress was waiting for something from me. ah, she'd asked for our drink order. i continued to stare at bella, and the waitress grudgingly turned to look at her, too.
"i'll have a coke?" bella said, as if asking for approval.
"two cokes," i amended. thirst??normal, human thirst??was a sign of shock. i would make sure she had the extra sugar from the soda in her system.
she looked healthy, though. more than healthy. she looked radiant.
"what?" she demanded??wondering why i was staring, i guessed. i was vaguely aware that the waitress had left.
"how are you feeling?" i asked.
she blinked, surprised by the question. "i'm fine."
"you don't feel dizzy, sick, cold?"
she was even more confused now. "should i?"
"well, i actually i'm waiting for you to go into shock." i half-smiled, expecting her denial. she would not want to be taken care of.
it took her a minute to answer me. her eyes were slightly unfocused. she looked that way sometimes, when i smiled at her. was she??dazzled?
i would love to believe that.
jacob chuckled then and bella rolled her eyes.
"i don't think that will happen. i've always been very good at repressing unpleasant things," she answered, a little breathless.
did she have a lot of practice with unpleasant things, then? was her life always this hazardous?
bella groaned at that; of course edward would jump to that kind of conclusion.
"just the same," i told her. "i'll feel better when you have some sugar and food in you."
the waitress returned with the cokes and a basket of bread. she put them in front of me, and asked for my order, trying to catch my eye in the process. i indicated that she should attend to bella, and then went back to tuning her out. she had a vulgar mind.
"hmph," bella huffed in regards to the vulgar mind comment.
"um??" bella glanced quickly at the menu. "i'll have the mushroom ravioli."
the waitress turned back to me eagerly. "and you?"
"nothing for me."
"he probably should have ordered something," bella said, wondering if she had noticed his lack of appetite or not.
bella made a slight face.
well, that answered that question.
hmm. she must have noticed that i never ate food. she noticed everything. and i always forgot to be careful around her.
i waited till we were alone again.
"drink," i insisted.
i was surprised when she complied immediately and without objection. she drank until the glass was entirely empty, so i pushed the second coke toward her, frowning a little. thirst, or shock?
she drank a little more, and then shuddered once.
"are you cold?"
"it's just the coke," she said, but she shivered again, her lips trembling slightly as if her teeth were about to chatter.
"you call yourself a gentleman but you let her get cold like that... i'm so disappointed in you," jacob chuckled.
the pretty blouse she wore looked too thin to protect her adequately; it clung to her like a second skin, almost as fragile as the first. she was so frail, so mortal. "don't you have a jacket?"
"yes." she looked around herself, a little perplexed. "oh??i left it in jessica's car."
i pulled off my jacket, wishing that the gesture was not marred by my body temperature. it would have been nice to have been able to offer her a warm coat. she stared at me, her cheeks warming again. what was she thinking now?
i handed her the jacket across the table, and she put it on at once, and then shuddered again.
yes, it would be very nice to be warm.
"tough luck, man," jacob chuckled.
"shut up," bella said, it was the thought that counted after all, besides the jacket was sure to warm her up soon enough.
"thanks," she said. she took a deep breath, and then pushed the too-long sleeves back to free her hands. she took another deep breath.
was the evening finally settling in? her color was still good; her skin was cream and roses against the deep blue of her shirt.
"that color blue looks lovely with your skin," i complimented her. just being honest.
bella smiled, blushing slightly.
"good with your skin!" jacob repeated laughing. "that's a weird way of putting it."
"shut up," bella hissed at him, she didn't need his laughter at the moment.
she flushed, enhancing the effect.
she looked well, but there was no point in taking chances. i pushed the basket of bread toward her.
"really," she objected, guessing my motives. "i'm not going into shock."
"you should be??a normal person would be. you don't even look shaken." i stared at her, disapproving, wondering why she couldn't be normal and then wondering if really wanted her to be that way.
"no, you really don't," jacob answered. "you don't like normal at all."
"i feel very safe with you," she said, her eyes, again, filled with trust. trust i didn't deserve.
her instincts were all wrong??backwards.
"there's nothing wrong with my instincts," bella huffed.
"i'm not so sure about that," jacob said. "honestly, you should be scared of this guy... but whatever."
that must be the problem. she didn't recognize danger the way a human being should be able to. she had the opposite reaction. instead of running, she lingered, drawn to what should frighten her??
how could i protect her from myself when neither of us wanted that?
"this is more complicated than i'd planned," i murmured.
i could see her turning my words over in her head, and i wondered what she made of them. she took a breadstick and began to eat without seeming aware of the action.
"okay, you're killing me here," jacob said. "i want to know what you're thinking already."
bella just chuckled at that.
she chewed for a moment, and then leaned her head to one side thoughtfully.
"usually you're in a better mood when your eyes are so light," she said in a casual tone.
"i didn't expect that," jacob said.
her observation, stated so matter of factly, left me reeling. "what?"
"you're always crabbier when your eyes are black??i expect it then. i have a theory about that," she added lightly.
"what's your theory?" jacob asked.
"stop interrupting so much," bella huffed at him.
"sorry... i'm just so drawn into this," jacob said, "i keep forgetting that you don't know anything."
so she had come up with her own explanation. of course she had. i felt a deep sense of dread as i wondered how close she'd come to the truth.
"more theories?"
"mm-hm." she chewed on another bite, entirely nonchalant. as if she weren't discussing the aspects of a monster with the monster himself.
"well, that's nice to know," bella mumbled, liking the fact that she didn't act as nervous as she felt at the moment, knowing that she would have been a lot worse in the book.
"i hope you were more creative this time??" i lied when she didn't continue.
what i really hoped was that she was wrong??miles wide of the mark.
"i think that might be more off the mark," jacob said. "once he finds out that you accept him, he'll love that you know."
"or are you still stealing from comic books?"
"well, no, i didn't get it from a comic book," she said, a little embarrassed. "but i didn't come up with it on my own, either."
jacob shivered at that uncontrollably.
"and?" i asked between my teeth.
surely should would not speak so calmly if she were about to scream.
as she hesitated, biting her lip, the waitress reappeared with bella's food. i paid the server little attention as she set the plate in front of bella and then asked if i wanted anything.
i declined, but asked for more coke. the waitress hadn't noticed the empty glasses. she took them and left.
"you were saying?" i prompted anxiously as soon as we were alone again.
"i'll tell you about it in the car," she said in a low voice. ah, this would be bad.
"yeah, very bad," jacob grumbled, feeling more foreboding than before.
she wasn't willing to speak her guesses around others. "if??" she tacked on suddenly.
"there are conditions?" i was so tense i almost growled the words.
"i do have a few questions, of course."
"of course," i agreed, my voice hard.
her questions would probably be enough to tell me where her thoughts were heading. but how would i answer them? with responsible lies? or would i drive her away with truth? or would i say nothing, unable to decide?
"the truth, please," bella said.
"i don't think you get to choose," jacob chuckled at her expression.
"still, i think it's about time the truth was put out on the table," bella said. "i want to see how he'll react once i know what he is."
we sat in silence while the waitress replenished her supply of soda.
"well, go ahead," i said, jaw locked, when she was gone.
"why are you in port angeles?"
"well, somehow i don't think he's going to answer that question," jacob chuckled. "you know, he can't really say 'i was stalking you'."
that was too easy a question??for her. it gave away nothing, while my answer, if truthful, would give away much too much. let her reveal something first.
"that's not fair," bella huffed. "i give away things all the time... you should tell me something for once."
"next," i said.
"but that's the easiest one!'
"next," i said again.
she was frustrated by my refusal. she looked away from me, down to her food.
slowly, thinking hard, she took a bite and chewed with deliberation. she washed it down with more coke, and then finally looked up at me. her eyes were narrow with suspicion.
jacob chuckled at this; he could so picture bella doing that.
"okay then," she said. "let's say, hypothetically, of course, that??someone??could know what people are thinking, read minds, you know??with just a few exceptions."
"what?" jacob said. "how the hell did you figure that one out?"
"i don't know," bella shrugged. "maybe when he was talking about mike's thoughts and all."
"you really are perceptive," jacob mumbled.
it could be worse.
"he's not shocked at all that you figured that out," jacob muttered. "i thought it was shocking."
this explained that little half-smile in the car. she was quick??no one else had ever guessed this about me. except for carlisle, and it had been rather obvious then, in the beginning, when i'd answered all his thoughts as if he'd spoken them to me. he'd understood before i had??
bella smiled at that; for some reason she found that image nice.
this question wasn't so bad. while it was clear that she knew that there was something wrong with me, was not as serious as it could have been. mind-reading was, after all, not a facet of the vampire cannon. i went along with her hypothesis.
"just one exception," i corrected. "hypothetically."
she fought a smile??my vague honesty pleased her.
"well, seeing as you're hardly ever honest with me, that's not hard to believe," bella mumbled.
"all right, with one exception, then. how does that -->>