14. "i'm nothing like my father"

a mix of emotions churned violently inside me. i couldn't decide if despair, anger, loss, or hate was the most powerful. how had i failed so easily? why hadn't i moved in sooner and won her heart?

"um, hey you... uh leif, i think," a familiar voice broke into my inner turmoil and i jerked my head around to glare at the intruder when i met the startled expression of sabine. i'd forgotten about her. shit. i wasn't in the frame of mind to help anyone right now. someone needed to help me.

"oh my. um, i take it things didn't go so well with the girl," she said softly.

"obvious, is it?" i snapped.

her big brown eyes widened. "i'm sorry."

the sincerity in her voice was my undoing. the emotions inside me all stepped back to let sorrow take the leading role as tears filled my eyes.

"she didn't choose me," i managed to say without chocking up.

"oh. wow. well, uh, maybe that is for the... best?"

i wanted to roar that it wasn't for the best. it would never be for the best. how could the fact i'd lost everything important to me ever be for the best? stalking toward my bedroom without replying i stopped and touched the cold doorknob then paused. her scent would be in there. her clothes. my pillow would smell of her. i'd see her there on my bed. i wasn't that strong yet. instead, i turned and walked back to the room i'd been sleeping in since pagan had been here.

sabine still stood in the hallway watching me anxiously. i knew she wanted my help, but right now, i couldn't bring myself to care.

"you could come in and talk about it. if that would help," sabine paused and wrung her hands, "it always helps me to talk about things and i'm a really good listener."

damn she was nice. i didn't need to be around nice right now. i was anything but nice at the moment. "no thanks. i need to be alone," i replied as politely as i could manage before opening the door to my temporary room.

"if you go in that room, i will find my sister alone. i'm sorry that you're upset but i'm not standing around and waiting on you any longer. i need to find rosella. she's been gone too long already. i'm in a hurry."

telling sabine to go ahead and try was so tempting. the only thing that kept me from walking away from her was the fact she would never make it out of here alive. i was the only chance she had. those damn big innocent eyes of hers were pulling on my human side. the part of me that felt compassion and remorse, the part that had been molded by my love for pagan.

"fine, i'll help you. but i'm not in the mood for a hassle. listen to me. do what i say and we will get along just fine. understood?

"yeah, captain, i got it." she drawled in a sexy southern accent i hadn't paid much attention to earlier.

nodding, my thoughts went back to pagan. was she happy now? what was she doing? would she miss me at all?

i needed to see her one last time. could i get away with going to check on her or would dankmar make good on his threat? forcing thoughts of pagan aside i focused on the girl standing in front of me. the one who needed me.

"i'll go find your sister now. you stay here in your room."

sabine began shaking her head.

"that part isn't up for argument. i will bring your sister back to you. but if you go with me, it will mess up everything. ghede isn't going to just let you walk away from here if he sees you."

she swallowed nervously, "you mean your father?"

so, she had heard a lot more of mine and pagan's conversation than i'd realized. "yeah, my father."

finally she stepped back into her room and started to close the door. i watched as she studied me a moment. "but you didn't make the girl stay with you. she wanted to leave and you let her."

"i'm not my father. i'm nothing like my father. that's the problem."

"closer" by dank walker - ceaseless (existence #3) coming september 18, 2012

daylight fades away as i watch you from a distance

darkness claims the sky and i wish you could only know

we're supposed to be miles away but something draws me closer

we're supposed to be far away but gravity brings us closer

closer than your skin, rebellion deep within, you've taken over me and i can't seem to swim. to the top of myself, i'm under your control. i'm wondering how we got here i'm wondering how we got here to the place we should go.

ooooh oooh oooooh

the place we should go

ooooh oooooh ooooh

souls aren't meant for things like this

our worlds were never meant to collide

you're better off leaving while you have something to leave behind

we're supposed to be miles away but something draws me closer

we're supposed to be far away but gravity beings us closer

closer than your skin, rebellion deep within, you've taken over me and i can't seem to swim. to the top of myself, i'm under your control. i'm wondering how we got here i'm wondering how we got here to the place we should go.

we're supposed to be miles away but something draws me closer"