i struggled to breathe as i rushed to my balcony to watch as he emerged from the lower level and strode confidently across the courtyard to meet antony.massive warships were already in the harbor and my pulse quickened at the sight of their billowing sails.i watched hasani's broad shoulders until he disappeared from my view.

and then he was gone.

i didn't even bother to get dressed as i rushed from my room and fled to cleopatra's in my dressing gown.i found her already in a heap on the floor of her balcony.she knew that marc antony would also die this day.

collapsing next to her, i wrapped my arms around her slender body and we sobbed together.this was definitely too much to bear... even though i had seen it coming, even though i had been through it before.

sadness like ihad never known overwhelmed me and i felt like i would never be strong enough to stand it.

"i can't do this, i can't.i can't."

i didn't even realize that i had whispered out loud until cleopatra wiped the tears from her cheeks and then grasped my arms, turning me to face her.

i stared directly into the steely eyes of the last pharaoh of egypt.the determination and strength that i found there bolstered my resolve and i felt my own tears stop flowing.

"charmian, you can and so can i.it is what it is... and we're strong."

she was beautiful and delicate and strong, all at the same time and i nodded as i slumped against her, while we watched the ships sail into the port.there were so many that the water was scarcely even visible between the thick, creaking wood of the boats and the huge billowing sails that filled the sky.

finally, i sat up straight and pushed the hair out of my face, staring at cleopatra with stinging, red eyes.

"i have to leave now, your highness,"i murmured as pain ricocheted in my ribcage."i can't stay here any longer. i'm sorry that i have to leave you this way. it is unbearable, i know.but in the coming days, know this... no matter what the pain is like here, we will survive this."

she nodded, pain and grief washing over her face in waves. she was the only other person in the history of the world who knew what i was feeling right now.i felt closer to her than ever.

i watched ahmose soundlessly appear in the queen's chambers and stand silently against the wall, waiting for us to say our goodbyes.his eyes were kind and he was silent as he patiently waited. cleopatra reached out to me and drew me close to her.

"thank you, sweetling,"she whispered softly as she gently tucked my hair behind my ear.

as she moved, she stirred her soft, clean scent and i inhaled it, re-committing it to memory.

"i know that i will never again remember what you are and what i am.so i want you to know right now that i appreciate all that you do for me.i love you, charmian.you are my most treasured one."

she stepped back, tears streaming down her face.this was definitely too much to bear.i swallowed hard.

"i love you, too, cleopatra.it is always an honor to serve you."

"how will i know you in our next life?"she asked me hesitantly, her eyes frozen on mine.

"your soul will always know mine, my friend.we will always be connected, all throughout time.and even though we will appear in different ways, our souls will always be the same."

she nodded, then reluctantly pulled away, only to grab me for one last hug.as she stood with her slender arms wrapped around my waist, she whispered in my ear.

"until i see you again.... take care of yourself."

i felt the tears streaming down my own cheeks, turning everything into a blurry mess.blindly, i nodded to ahmose.

inhaling the fragrant alexandrian breeze, i felt him take my hand and i listened as he began to murmur, his raspy voice blending into a chant.the bloodstone began to spread familiar warmth into my arms and i closed my eyes.

chapter eighteen

the afternoon sun in my room was blinding and i waited for my eyes to adjust, gazing around my brightly lit room.my bed was neatly made, my bedroom door swung widely open. amazing. ahmose had brought us back to the same exact moment that annen had first appeared to me.right about this time, i had been screaming ... and my memories as charmian had been unlocked.

hasani.i gulped, fighting back tears.he was dead now.as were the rest of us.pain ripped through my chest and i blinked away the memory of his perfect face.his eyes, his mouth... i pushed it away.i would have to grieve later.right now, i knew i had yet another difficult conversation to attend to. i tried to ignore the burning in my eyes.

turning to ahmose, i found him staring at me, his onyx eyes glittering.his ancient body was still as he observed me.

"charmian, you have done well.i apologize once again- i know it was unbearable."

i nodded mutely, grasping for what to say.

"i know now why my memories are wiped away, ahmose,"i murmured painfully."this is unbearable.i've lost hasani and i feel as though i just want to die, too."

he stared at me in surprise.

"charmian, you haven't lost hasani.i would have thought you had put that together.you're a smart girl. you will find hasani in this life.or he will find you.one way or the other, you will be together again- justas you are in every life.your souls are like magnets....attracted to each other life after life."

i stared at him in shock.

"then... hasani is..."

"your soulmate."

my heart still felt like a frozen lump in my chest.but at the same time, i felt a tiny bit of peace. he wasn't gone.he was mine.in every life.it was too much to wrap my mind around, but i felt overwhelming relief.i hadn't lost him.i just had to be patient until i found him again.

"i'm taking your bloodstone back with me, charmian.then, when the time is right, very soon, i will appear to you again and we will begin your cycle all over again."

i nodded.

"how will i recognize cleopatra, ahmose?"

he smiled gently. "you just will.you always do."he laid his fragile hand on my shoulder."until then... behave yourself."

and he was gone.just like that.all that remained was his incensy, sweaty scent.i suddenly felt incredibly empty and weary.

i sank weakly onto my bed, my hands shaking.i couldn't believe it was over.my life as charmian had been so vibrant, so...important.and now here i was, macy lockhart again in pasadena, california.everything seemed so trivial now.

and my heart was desperately aching for hasani. how unfair was it that i had to mourn in private?i could never tell another soul... and hasani would be forgotten by history.now that was unfair.he had been so important, so brave... but no one would remember his name.except for me.it was a travesty.

burying my face into the cool sheets of my bed, exhaustion weighed me down.i shouldn't be tired... it had been morning when i left alexandria and it was only early afternoon now.but i felt as though i had been awake for weeks, as though i was experiencing a two-thousand year jetlag.i couldn't keep my eyes open.before i could think even one more coherent thought, my heavy eyelids fluttered closed and i slept a dreamless sleep.

to: macy lockhart <

[email protected]

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from:jessa gray <

[email protected]

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subject:wake up

seriously-this depression over that idiot is ridiculous. i've called a million times- your mom said you've been sleeping for two days. you'd better get up or she's going to call someone.you know that she has psychiatrist friends.and they have straight-jackets.you know what- never mind.i'm coming over.and i'm bringing reinforcements.

see you in a minute.

jess (aka still the hotter gray sister)

"wake up, sleepyhead."

i grumpily grabbed a pillow and thrust it over my head to tone out the annoyingly cheerful voice.

"come on, mace.wake up."

long pause.

"maa-cccy,"it sang.

the chirpy voice was relentless, so i yanked the pillow down and peered around it into the bright morning sunlight.

jessa and jenn both stood beside my bed, identical in every way.chin length pointy bobs, pixie faces, impish grins.they weren't dressed identically, though.they drew the line there.they both thought it was tacky, one of the few things they could agree on.

"why are you here so early?"i grumped, burying my face back into my pillow.

"early?are you ill, macy?"

jess picked up my clock and turned it my way.it was 12:30.i guess i really had been jetlagged.or heartbroken.i'd put money on that last one.

"we came over to cheer you up,"jenn announced as she opened my closet doors."you need to get up so that we can go shopping. some retail therapy will do you some good."

"cheer me up?"i mumbled in confusion, because they had no idea what i'd been through lately.but no sooner had the words come out than i caught a glimpse of the picture lying face down on my nightstand.oh, yeah- derek.the lying, cheating worm.

surprisingly, i wasn't upset in the slightest about him anymore.or maybe that wasn't so surprising.i had spent the last couple of weeks with a real man, a beautiful warrior.derek's boyish games were inconsequential.my heart belonged to a dead man.but of course i couldn't mention that.

"oh, right,"i mumbled as i swung my legs out of bed and took the pair of jeans and long sleeved t-shirt that jenn handed me.wiggling into my jeans, i turned to them.

"i'm fine, really,"i tried to assure them, taking note of their identical concerned expressions."you guys don't need to spend your saturday babysitting me."

jess looked appalled.

"do you really think that we would allow our best friend to mope at home alone about her loser boyfriend?girl, please!"she rolled her eyes before she and her sister nodded in unison."we have shopping to do anyway and we're taking you with us."

i sighed and swore silently.the mall, a place filled with hundreds of carefree people, was the last place in the world i wanted to be.i preferred to stay at home in seclusion and mourn my secret loss.but i could tell from the looks on their faces that jess and jenn weren't going to have that.it would be out of the question.

sighing again, i trudged into the bathroom to pull my hair into a ponytail and brush my teeth.a few minutes later, i emerged- fresh faced and ready to go.we piled into jess' little blue bug and headed for the mall, my forehead pressed forlornly against my window.

a few hours later, though, i grudgingly had to admit that shopping was a decent distraction.not because i was into it, but because i spent a great deal of energy pretending that i was.and since i was using my energy to pretend, i wasn't using it to cry.

i knew that when i was alone again, it would be a different story, so i enjoyed my tear-free afternoon while i could, trying to ignore the fact that my heart was a numb block of ice in my chest.as we ate bad chinese food in the center of the food court, jenn stopped her chattering in mid-sentence.her mouth hung open comically, as her plastic fork dangled from her fingers.

"jenn, you're giving the word seafood a new meaning,"jess chuckled. "see-food?"jenn rolled her eyes at the old corny joke as she closed her mouth and gestured with her head.