derek ran a nervous hand through his hair. hair that looked longer than when he left. and softer. she could remember brushing it back from his brow then, and she longed to do it again. she wanted to hit the rewind button and go back to the way things were before. when things between them had been so good. but life didn't have a rewind button.

"hey." he tucked his hands into his jeans pockets.

"hey." her heart raced a little faster and hurt more at the sight of him. she tried not to notice things like the muscles in his arms or how tightly his t-shirt hugged his chest. she inhaled.

while it had stopped raining, the scent of rain still clung to her clothes and hair. it still flavored the air. but it didn't hide the scent that she recognized as derek.

she felt the phone in her hand and looked down at it.

"sorry about not calling you back earlier," he said, as if he thought that was why she was here. "i had cut my phone off when i was in the hospital with brit."

she nodded, not completely sure if she believed him, and felt the rise of emotion in her throat. her sinuses stung. but she'd be damned if she would cry. at least not now. at least not here.

"where did you go when you left shadow falls?" she asked.

"just on a job assignment for burnett." he hesitated. "i'm not really supposed to talk about it."

that hurt. she knew he was probably telling the truth, but there had been a time she hadn't believed they kept secrets from each other.

his gaze met hers and she could see the gold flecks meshing into his green irises. she saw emotion there. hurt, jealousy, betrayal, anger. it struck her right then that everything he felt was what she, too, was feeling.

for a flicker of a second, she told herself he didn't have a right to feel those things; but she'd never been a great liar, not even when she lied to herself. lucas had kissed her. she had feelings for lucas, albeit confused feelings, but she still had them for him. how could she be so mad at derek right now and not accept that he deserved his own anger?

she blinked, and the moment grew more awkward with each beat of silence. "i came here to ask you about..." she held out the phone and then dropped her hand back to her side. "but i suddenly realize you don't owe me an answer. i'm sorry, i..." unable to finish, she turned to go.

he caught her. no sooner had his touch warmed her skin than he jerked away. and that hurt, too. was touching her so unpleasant that it caused him to flinch?

"ask me about what?" he frowned. "what has you so upset?"

"it's nothing. i'm fine." she started to walk away again.

"damn it, kylie!" he jumped in front of her. "don't lie to me. i feel it, remember? i feel everything you feel tenfold. you're really upset about something. you came here to say something to me, so say it."

she hesitated and then turned on della's phone.

he watched her. "what are you-"

"you'll see." she found the picture and held it out.

his expression shot from angry to ... something different. "shit." he ran a palm over his face.

"it's okay," kylie said. "i realize you don't owe me an explanation. really, i overreacted." she tried to step around him, but he grabbed her again. this time his hand lingered for a few seconds before pulling away.

"please don't go," he said. "look, that's ellie. i told you about her when we first met. i dated her for a while. we ran into each other when i was on the job for burnett. she was ... she was just happy to see someone she knew."

"yeah, she looks happy," kylie said before she could stop the words, and there was an edge of sarcasm to them.

"it looks worse than it really was," he said, but he couldn't hide the guilt that flashed in his eyes.

"you really don't have to explain," kylie said, suddenly realizing how unfair it was to confront him about this. the last thing she'd want right now was him confronting her about lucas. she closed the phone and tucked it in her pocket. "you don't-"

"yes, i do have to explain," derek snapped. he drew in a pound of oxygen and hesitated before starting again. "look, i was going to tell you anyway."

"no, you weren't," she said, finding that impossible to believe. "not that i blame you. we weren't really going out. you don't have to tell me anything."

"i was going to tell you. i don't have a choice."

she studied him, not sure what he meant, and she saw more guilt in his eyes.

"look," he said. "ellie's here. i brought her back to the camp."

the bolt of lightning that flashed in front of kylie a few minutes ago had shocked her less than derek's admission. but she was pretty damn proud of herself for not letting it show. then again, she didn't have to let it show. he could read her, but it didn't stop her from pretending. and if she pretended long enough, she might even believe it herself.

"that's good." she forced a smile.

"i had to, kylie. she'd run away from home and was living in some hellhole of a commune. she needed help."

"i'm glad you were there for her," she said.

"christ, kylie! quit friggin' pretending like i can't read you. it's me, damn it."

"then stop reading me." kylie's throat knotted instantly. tears threatened, but she held them back.

"i wish i could. it would solve all our problems. i wish to god i could stop it!" he swung an angry hand through the air.

"what do you mean?" she asked.

he shook his head. "you still don't get it, do you? being close to you is like sticking my finger into an emotional socket. i don't know why. it wasn't like that in the beginning. i mean, i could feel you more than other people, but this last month, it increased tenfold. when i'm with you, it's like being bombarded ... attacked with emotions. i can't think straight, i can't rationalize. and if lucas's name came up, i could feel your emotions connected to him and..."

he took another breath. "maybe what i was feeling was even more than what you were feeling, but ... i just couldn't handle it. and it wasn't just lucas. if you were upset at your dad, i would feel the hurt you felt and i wanted to kill the bastard. i couldn't handle it anymore."

she stepped back, hoping a few inches away from her would help him. "why didn't you tell me?"

"i did, or i tried to. you just didn't hear me. oh, hell, i probably didn't make it clear because i didn't understand it. i still don't ... understand it. i just know that being close to you makes me crazy." he did another pass of his fingers through his hair. "i hoped when i got back it would have changed."

"but it hasn't?"

he shook his head. "no."

"have you asked holiday about it?" a breeze stirred her wet hair, but it brought with it the smell of sunshine, as if the storm had passed. if only the storm inside her had done the same.

"no. i don't want to..."

"ask her for help," she finished for him. a spray of bright sunlight snuck behind a low-hanging cloud and caused her to blink.

"it's not just that. i don't want her trying to get inside my head to read my emotions. i've seen things in other people's minds that they don't want me to see. i prefer to keep mine private. it's sort of like seeing someone naked." he half smiled.

she tried to respond with a smile, but she couldn't quite do it. first, because this meant his pride was more important to him than trying to fix the problem. and second, because she couldn't help wondering how many of those naked emotions were about her and how many of them were about ellie.

"we're really mostly just friends, now," derek said, obviously picking up on her jealousy.

mostly? she wondered how one defined "mostly" friends? the kiss must have happened in one of the "unmostly" moments. then she recalled the kiss she'd shared with lucas, and guilt ran through her for judging derek.

she met his gaze again. "you don't have to explain it."

he studied her, and god help her, because she knew he was picking apart her emotions. reading her jealousy, followed by her thread of guilt, and then her feelings of being unfair to him. and he was probably figuring out what had happened, too.

he frowned and stepped back as if standing too close to her caused him pain. "so you and lucas...?"

the thread she'd tried to push back suddenly tied itself in a big knot in her chest. she searched for the right way to answer, then decided to borrow his. "mostly friends."

hurt flashed in his eyes, and she knew he understood exactly what she meant. though she hadn't really said it to hurt him, she tried again. "i'm still trying to sort through things," she offered, hoping to soften the blow, because damn it, she knew exactly how he felt. unknowingly, they had done the same thing to each other.

he nodded and met her gaze. "this is killing me."

the pain in his eyes echoed his words, and the knot in her chest tightened. the tears she vowed not to cry stung her eyes again.

"same here." her tonsils seemed to swell in her throat. "i should go." she stepped back.

"wait. aren't you supposed to have a shadow with you?"

for some reason, his question reminded her of the bolt of lightning. "della's close by."

"and listening." he frowned.

"i told her not to."

"right." cynicism filled his voice.

kylie took another step back, but the question slipped out before she could stop it. "why did you offer to shadow me if it's so hard to be close to me?"

he scrubbed his tennis shoe on the wooden planks of the porch. "because keeping you safe is more important than anything else." he inhaled. "but maybe burnett's right. i'm too close to this. the fact that someone wants to hurt you makes me feel crazy." he looked down and then up again. "besides, you have ... others who claim to feel the same way." jealousy sounded in his voice.

she wasn't sure how to answer, so she didn't.

"you do know that brit, the p.i., isn't behind this. i don't know how anyone got to him."

kylie recalled that lucas had accused the p.i. of being part of the problem. "i'm not blaming him. i'm sorry he got hurt. is he really okay?"

derek nodded. "yeah."

"does he remember anything?" she asked, hoping all this could be solved that easily.

"no. and that's strange. it's almost as if he's had his memory erased. and there aren't many people who can do that."

"maybe it's just a concussion."

"that's what the doctor thinks and what burnett believes, but..." he ran another hand through his hair. "be careful, kylie. i heard about what happened-about that mario guy and his grandson." his gaze dropped. "i'm sorry i wasn't there to help you."

"you had to do what burnett wanted," she said, even though she clearly remembered begging him not to go.

"i'm serious about you being careful. i just think there could be more to all this than meets the eye."

"more like what?" she asked.

he shook his head. "i can't explain it. i just remember fighting with that rogue at the wild life park that night, and he seemed different. eerie different."

"i got the same feeling," she confessed.

"be careful." he reached out as if to touch her, then pulled back.

"i will." she watched him stick his hands into his pockets. their gazes met again, and it took everything kylie had not to insist he talk to holiday and try to fix the problem with reading her emotions too strongly. instead she walked away. something told her it was the right thing.

but could someone please tell her why doing the right thing hurt so damn much?

the moment kylie hit the edge of the woods, she started running, wanting to outrun the living, breathing ache in her chest. in a few seconds, della was beside her.

"you okay?" her feet thudded in rhythm with kylie's own footfalls.

"no," kylie answered, and ducked beneath a tree limb.

"where are we going?" della asked a few minutes later when kylie turned and headed in the opposite direction of their cabin.

"i want to run," kylie said.

"okay." della stayed beside her.

they ran and ran. when kylie spotted the fence at the end of the shadow falls property line, she stopped and dropped to the ground. curling her arms around her bent legs, she rested her forehead on her knees. her lungs worked overtime as she fed them wood-scented air that still carried the scent of rain.

della, not even winded, sat beside her. the sounds of the forest surrounded them-a bird stirred in the trees, some unnamed creature shuffled in some underbrush not far away. but mostly kylie heard her own heart racing, sending gushing sounds through her ears.

"your heart's still beating fast," della said.

"i know." kylie kept her face down.

"he was telling the truth."

kylie knew della was talking about derek. "i know."

"i tried not to listen, but it was impossible. i considered moving farther away, but then i wouldn't be doing my job as shadow."

kylie raised her head. her gaze went to the fence and she realized where they were. just through the barbed wire were the dinosaur tracks. and the creek where lucas had kissed her. she let herself think about it for a second, because thinking about derek hurt.

then she looked back at della. "you listen in on my private conversations, but then you don't share."

"share what?" della sounded clueless.

kylie raised an eyebrow. "what happened while you were at home? i know you were lying. so does miranda."

"oh, that." she pulled a long blade of grass from the ground and started tying it around her finger.

kylie thought della wasn't going to answer, and then ... "i went to see lee."

kylie suspected that della hadn't stopped caring for her ex. not that della had admitted to it. "and?"

"he's practically engaged to another girl. his parents are pushing him to make it official. they like her." the pain in della's voice matched the pain kylie felt for derek.

kylie hugged her knees. "i'm so sorry."

"don't be," della said. "it's for the best. he could have never accepted me being a vampire."

"doesn't mean it doesn't hurt." and damn if kylie didn't know that for a fact.

della hesitated. "she's a hundred percent asian. not a mishmosh like me."

"he said that?" kylie really disliked this guy.

"not exactly, but he said his parents had pushed him to date her. and i know they didn't like me because i'm half white."

"you need to move on," kylie said.

"i already have." della tossed the grass back to the ground.

it was a lie, but kylie didn't think calling della on it would do any good. kylie leaned back and stared up at the trees. the moisture from the recent rain soaked into her clothes, but she didn't care. the coolness felt good in the texas heat. a blue jay flitted from one limb to another in the tree. kylie's emotions seemed to be doing the same.

she studied the bird, so happy, so innocent and trouble-free. della released an exaggerated breath, as if she were still thinking about lee.

"steve likes you," kylie said.

"no, he doesn't."

"yes, he does." kylie glanced at della. "i saw him looking for you today when we were in the dining hall. you should go for it."

"if he likes me, he'll come to me."

"i don't mean throw yourself at him. just be nice. make yourself more approachable."

"i'm approachable," della said.

about as much as a rattlesnake, kylie thought.

della picked up another blade of grass and then lay back on the ground beside kylie. their shoulders almost touched. "it's not easy."

"believe me," kylie said. "i know."

they lay stretched out on the damp ground for several long minutes without talking. the sun leaked light through the trees and created shimmering golden shadows throughout the woods. through the leaves, kylie saw the sky painted in an array of stormy-looking clouds in a variety of colors. her mind went round and round and somehow landed back on derek.

"i can't believe he brought ellie with him." the idea of having to see derek with ellie made kylie's chest tighten.

"yeah, that'll be tough. i mean, if i had to see lee with his girlfriend, i'd end up killing someone."

"no, you wouldn't." kylie sat up, pulled her hair over one shoulder, and removed a few clinging twigs. "you'd do exactly what i'm going to do."

"what's that?" della sat up.

"pretend it doesn't hurt, and hope like hell that one day it doesn't anymore."

"nope. i'd rather kill someone." della stood and dusted off the wet grass that clung to her backside. then she looked down at kylie. "so does this mean you're actually going to give lucas a real chance?"

kylie stood up and gave her own butt a few swipes to dislodge most of the grass. "maybe. if it's what he wants, too."

"if? didn't you hear him getting pissy with burnett about shadowing you? he's got it bad for you. i mean, i know you're hurting over derek, but he doesn't deserve you angsting over him. you have an opportunity with lucas. go for it."

she hesitated to say anything, but it spilled out. "fredericka said something that made it sound like his pack doesn't want us seeing each other."

"don't listen to anything that b with an itch says. she'll say anything to come between you and lucas."

kylie nodded, knowing that della was right. or at least she hoped she was.

the bird in the tree called out. kylie looked up and wondered if that was a mating call. did birds experience romance? did they ever suffer from broken hearts? she had to admit it looked awfully lonely up in the tree alone. almost as lonely as it was where she stood.

"let's make a deal," della said. "you give lucas a chance and i'll give steve a chance."

kylie smiled. "are you that worried about me, or do you just need an excuse to go after the good-looking shape-shifter?"

"maybe both." della grinned. "we got a deal?"

kylie considered it, and mentally she stopped trying to hang on, stopped trying to fix something that didn't seem fixable, and opened herself up to other possibilities. "yeah."

della started walking, and kylie took a step. then the cold grabbed her. she turned and watched jane doe's spirit materialize in the beam of sunlight.

the woman met kylie's gaze. "do you know?"

"know what?" kylie asked.

della turned around. "what?" she stared at kylie for a second and then said, "oh shit. not again." she backed up. "i'm not freaking out. i'm not. really, i'm not freaking out."

kylie held up a hand to silence della and stared at the spirit as she edged closer.

"do you know what i am?" jane spoke in a hushed tone that seemed to whisper through the trees. the blue jay in the tree chirped extra loud.

"no," kylie said. "i don't." then the bird chirped oddly and fell from the tree and landed with a lifeless thud at the spirit's feet.