his reply was as sinister and as dark as his very presence. "when your soul is a black hole, it can never be filled." the lashes then came one after the other until i was certain that i was a bloody mess, whimpering in derek's arms, but desperate to not wake him.

"gloat to me, emilia, once you actually have him in your complete control, once he is once again utterly mine, because if not for you, derek novak would've remained mine hundreds of years ago. return to the shade and have him end the impetuous redhead's life and then come to me with your bright-eyed eagerness. until then, you've no right to the bliss i have allowed you to have in his arms."

i knew right then that as long as i was in league with the elder, my happiness would always be temporary and never satisfying. it was a counterfeit joy to the delight i saw in derek's eyes whenever he laid eyes on sofia. i knew that what i shared with him was a fantasy, but i just wanted it to be real so badly, i was willing to embrace even the counterfeit pleasure it brought me.

i tried to force back a sob, but it came out anyway. i wished that i hadn't surrendered to the elder. i wished that i could go back and hopefully do things all over again, but it was too late. i'd gone too far into the darkness to ever be rescued.

i miss who i was when i still had goodness in me, when i was still cora.

the moment the thought planted itself in my head, i saw it - a flash of the elder's bloody red eyes raging with fury at me. "how dare you, emilia! how dare you think that after everything i've given you."

without another word, i was taken from derek's arms into one of my father's chambers where i had to endure a night of torment in my so-called father's hands. it took hours before he was satisfied with my punishment for my ever thinking of going back to the way i was before i met him.

when he was done, he whispered, "go to the shade and destroy sofia claremont like you promised, emilia. otherwise, this night will feel like a walk in the park compared to what i plan to put you through, should you fail."

i found it insane that i didn't see it before, but it seemed clear as the brightest day that the elder had nothing good in him - no joy, no love, no light, no satisfaction, no affection, no mercy, no peace. he was power, jealousy, revenge and manipulation. he was pure and unbridled evil. he was darkness itself. he was sorrow, grief, pain and misery, and he was determined to drag us all down with him.

and yet, despite the sheer awareness of all the darkness i'd given myself over to, i still found myself willing to be under his control. i told myself that it was the fear, but i knew that it was more than that. the truth was i had become just like him. i had already become a daughter of the darkness and if i were to be miserable, just like my father, i refused to go through it alone.

chapter 38: derek

she was beautiful. the green eyes, the soft auburn locks, the splash of freckles on her cheeks, the beautiful smile... the sight of sofia standing by the shore, wind blowing against her hair, wearing a stunning white dress, was one that would never fail to draw me in.

as i walked towards her, i was fully aware that i was in a dream and that when i woke up, i would no longer remember sofia and i would be in love with someone else - someone who was a far cry from sofia.

i approached sofia with a heavy heart, hoping that she knew that i wasn't betraying her, that i tried to fight against the darkness controlling me, but i was overpowered by it. i felt like there was nothing i could do to stop its hold over me. when i reached her, however, i couldn't say a thing. we simply held hands and we both cried.

i felt such an overwhelming sense of loss as i stood there with her, drawing her close, knowing that both our hearts were breaking in unison. we both knew that we loved each other and she made that clear, when in between her sobs, she told me exactly what was going through my mind.

"i can only hope that our love is strong enough to overcome this."

and then she disappeared and i was left alone, trying to re-connect with myself while i still could, while i still had control. and i stayed that way until the dream was over and i had to go back to the lie that emilia and her father had painted for me and turned into my reality.

i was aware of the truth only in my dreams. from the moment i closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep to the moment when i would have to open them and awaken to a new day, i was right where i belonged. i was derek novak, king of the shade, the love of a beautiful and kind redhead's life. and she was mine.

but once i woke up, i would see emilia snuggled against me and i would feel an overwhelming wave of love for her - a love that wasn't from within, a love that felt unreal, but was nonetheless consuming.

i had an inkling in the back of my mind that i wasn't being who i was, but i had no choice other than to be him: a man stricken with love for emilia and who would do everything she asked of me without hesitation.

when i woke up, i found the space on the bed beside me empty. i creased my brows even as i battled with the immediate sense of relief that came to me. where's emilia? i thought. why am i relieved? the woman i love is gone. i should go and look for her.

i climbed out of bed and got dressed. i was already about to bolt out of the door when emilia arrived. i smiled at the sight of her. she looked stunningly attractive - the woman of my wildest fantasies. she gave me a weary lookover - almost as if she was annoyed by me.

"get ready. we're leaving in an hour."

"leaving?" i asked, narrowing my eyes at her. "where are we going?"

"you promised me you'd kill her." she looked away from me, opened her armoire and began rummaging through her clothes. "you're about to make good on your promise."

a wave of nausea came over me - a sensation i couldn't quite explain. "today?"

she halted and turned to face me completely. "don't you want to do it anymore?"

something was different about her. she seemed exhausted, beat down. i wondered what was wrong. she seemed different than the sweet woman i made love to the night before. i smiled at her, hoping to ease whatever worries were plaguing her mind. "of course i do. if she's the only person standing between us, then i wouldn't hesitate to end her life in a heartbeat."

a small sigh of relief escaped her lips. i made my way to her, wrapping my arms around her waist and pulling her to me. she buried her face onto my chest. "i've always wanted you. from the moment i first laid eyes on you, i've wanted you, derek."

"i know. i want you too, emilia. i've always wanted you."

she moved away from me, contempt on her face. "no. that's a lie, derek. what we have is a lie."

i was confused. i couldn't understand what she was saying or why she was saying it. i swallowed hard after i realized that that wasn't the only thing that was confusing me. her words rang with so much truth - a truth i couldn't completely fathom, a truth that was echoing in my head even as i shook it and attempted to assure her. "emilia, what are you saying? what we have is real and beautiful..."

a deep sorrow the likes of which i'd never seen before flashed into her eyes. she kissed my lips - her teeth grazing my mouth, causing it to bleed. she then pulled away and nodded. "of course. real and beautiful - just like it's supposed to be. you're mine now, derek. that's what matters." she then gave me a sharp look. "now, get ready."

the moment she said the words, a knot formed in my stomach, twisting and causing me agony. every step i took toward the shade, i felt even worse. i couldn't understand why, but something about the island's name was familiar. i'd been there before and i knew it, but i couldn't remember anything about it.

as we took a ride on the submarine that would lead us to the island, emilia never left my side. she held on to my hand like her life depended on it. i could sense her anxiety and i wondered what was causing it.

"you love me, right?" she asked me for what felt like the millionth time. "you'll do this for me, won't you, derek? you will kill sofia?"

sofia. the name put butterflies in my stomach and i was revolted by the idea that such a sensation could be caused by anyone other than emilia. i noticed how emilia gasped and bit her lip the moment she said the name, as if she never should've done it.

i squeezed her hand. "this is the last day you will ever have to worry about her, emilia. i promise."

"you've had her blood, derek. you will crave her the moment you lay eyes on her. you will want to drink her blood, but you can't. promise me that you won't. i want you to rip her heart out. i don't want a drop of her blood to ever enter your system again. do you understand me?"

i narrowed my eyes at her, wondering what kind of powers this young woman possessed, so much so that even emilia trembled at the thought of me being around her.

i was soon able to find out, because after they made us wait at the port for sofia's arrival, i found my senses in complete overdrive the moment i laid eyes on the girl, who was surrounded by a group of vampires. everything about her screamed at me to feed on her. her long, red hair, her green eyes, her lovely nubile form... she was a siren begging me to partake of her.

if it weren't for emilia holding on to my elbow, holding me back, i would've lunged at her and fed on her the moment she came within sight. instead, i just stood there and stared at sofia, wanting her. i wondered why she had such a look of delight on her face.

she broke into a smile the moment she laid eyes on me. "derek!" she exclaimed. "you're back." tears began to moisten her eyes. "i missed you so much." she then looked at emilia and back at me, most likely sensing something amiss. she gulped nervously. "what's the matter?"

the thought of ripping her heart out suddenly became sickening. this is why she is a threat to me and emilia. emilia was right. i must end her.

"remember what i told you, derek," emilia hissed. "you can't drink her blood."