he grinned humorlessly. "it won. i broke free of it and ran. luckily, it let me go. i suppose it decided the dead bird was enough. when i got back to my camp and my horse, i fixed myself up as best as i could, and then headed back toward the road. that was four days ago. no, five. four? four, i think."

he pursed his lips for a moment and continued to regard me steadily. i stood up. he asked, "can you get my sleeping roll for me? i'm going to rest now."

"good plan. i'll build up the fire for you."

"thanks."

i got him settled, built up the fire, and then left, shutting the door behind me. outside the cabin, i wiped my hands down the front of my trousers and heaved a huge sigh. my feet had carried me to amzil's door. i didn't knock on it or try to open it. i stood outside and announced, "i'm leaving tomorrow morning. i have to get that man to gettys so his wounds can be treated by a doctor."

she didn't reply. i could hear the children inside, their higher voices raised querulously. i turned to walk away. behind me, i heard the door open a crack. "you think i'm a terrible person," she accused me.

i thought and then replied, "i think you're very afraid. and that makes you hard."

"hard is better than dead, or raped and left for dead."

"that man was injured. he was no threat to you."

"he was a soldier, a scout. i've seen him before. and i know that where one soldier is, others follow. if i'd let him in and he died, i'd have been blamed. better to have nothing to do with him."

"he's a human being in need, amzil. how can you just turn your back on that?"

"just like they done it to me. that's how. how many times have soldiers ridden through here? at first, when my husband was dying, i asked for help. they told me i'd brought my own troubles on myself, marrying a convict and having his babies. well, that's what i say to that soldier now. whatever happened to him, he brought it on himself, by riding about being a soldier."

it was true, so i couldn't argue with her. i no longer saw the point of arguing with her at all. "i'll be taking him on to gettys tomorrow morning," i said.

her mouth went sullen. almost angrily, she asked, "and what about all your fine talk of building an inn here, and taking trade from the road and all that? what about that?"

i was startled. "you told me it wouldn't work. you gave me a dozen reasons why it was a stupid idea."

"if i was trying to do it alone, then, yes. but if a man were running it, even a man like you, travelers might respect it. it might work then."

even a man like me. a fat man like me, that was what she meant. scarcely a man at all in her eyes, but big enough to be scary. i looked away from her. "i have to take him to gettys. if i don't, he'll die from infection. he might still die."

"then why bother?"

"because he's a soldier. and i'm a second son. i'm meant to be a soldier."

"you never told me that." she spoke as if i had lied to her.

i felt her eyes run over me, and knew how unlikely she thought it that i'd ever be anything of the kind. i admitted it. "well, i'm not exactly what any commander wants when he thinks of a recruit. nonetheless, the good god made me a second son. my plan was always to go to gettys, to see if they'd accept me as a recruit. if i can serve as a soldier, i will."

"so you'll just ride off and leave tomorrow."

i wanted her to ask me to stay. or at least, invite me to come back. i stood straight before her, meeting her eyes as i looked down at her, and wondered if she even guessed at what i hoped. "i have to take him to gettys."

she looked away from me, as if there were something important on the hillside behind me. i knew there wasn't. "you've helped me a lot in the time you've been here." she paused, wet her lips, and then said, "the children will miss you."

"i'll miss them," i said sadly, and found it was not just a nicety. i would miss them. but amzil would not say she would miss me, nor ask me to stay or if i might come back. "thank you," she called to my back when i had gone a dozen steps. "for the meat, you know. and the firewood."

"you're welcome." i shifted one shoulder in a shrug. "thanks for the roof and the fireplace. and for sewing my clothes."

"they look much better on you now." she called the words after me.

"thanks," i said, not calling the word out, but loud enough that she would know i had said it. i walked back to the cottage that might have made a good common room for an inn. hitch was still sleeping. his face was slack, his mouth ajar. i put water within easy reach of him, took my sling, and went out and up the hill.