i tried to be respectful as i lay her loosely shrouded body on the bare earth. i could not restrain myself from hurrying as i carried the empty coffin to her grave site and then all but ran back to fetch her body. once i was at her grave, i discovered a new awkwardness. i could not lower the laden coffin gently into the earth by myself. i did what was expedient. i put the open coffin in the grave and then lowered her body into it. i cringe when i think of how awkward it was to straddle the coffin while i put the lid on it, and then step on top of it to clamber out of her grave. i had acted with the best of intentions, and yet i still felt as shamed as if i had deliberately been disrespectful to her.

the whole process had taken far longer than i had expected. i shoveled earth in the darkness, working to cover her coffin more by feel than by sight. when i stood beside her grave to offer a simple prayer to the good god on her behalf, i realized i didn't know her name. the sergeant had not give me a list. i cursed him for his callousness. then i added a prayer for myself, that no matter how many bodies i buried, i would remain properly respectful to the dead.

shovel on my shoulder, i went back to my cabin. the light leaking out from the shutters was a welcome beacon as i trudged past the freshly mounded graves. i wanted to put this day behind me, to rest, and then find strength to move forward through the dismal days ahead of me.

i planned to go inside, wash my hands, and then use one precious sheet of my journal paper to carefully make a record of the folk i had buried that day. i decided i'd record the woman as "unknown woman victim, blonde hair, of middle years, delivered to cemetery by sergeant hoster along with the bodies of scout buel hitch and the barber whose shop was by the west gate." if anyone came looking for them, perhaps the date of death and that brief description would be enough. i realized i faced a long winter of making grave markers.

i wondered if i dared try to sleep that night. no. i feared i'd dreamwalk again if i did. and i had to guard hitch's body. my heart sank as i considered his death. i'd lost a true friend. i took a breath and closed my heart to the grief that tried to hollow it. i needed my strength for the next few weeks. later i could give way to mourning. i pushed open my door.

in the same moment that i recalled my cabin should have been dark, i saw hitch sitting beside the little hearth fire he'd lit. i froze where i was. he turned to me and grinned apologetically. his face had lost flesh from the plague, and there were dark hollows under his eyes. his voice was hoarse. "come on in and pull up a chair, nevare. we need to talk." the foul smell of the plague, familiar to me from my own experience with it, wafted to me on his breath.

i took two steps backward. then i turned and ran to the two coffins i'd left by my tool shed. the lid from hitch's had been kicked aside. it was empty except for a rumpled sheet in the bottom. i went back to my cabin. at the door i hesitated, then resolutely shook my foolishness away. he hadn't been dead. that was all. dr. amicas had been aware of such incidents; plague victims sank into comas so deep they were mistaken for death. the doctor had insisted on bodies being held overnight to prevent anyone being buried alive. spink and i had both been "dead" for a time. i pushed my superstitious fears aside. "by the good god's mercy, hitch, i'm so sorry. i thought i was imagining you there." i hurried past him to my water cask and began filling my kettle. "we all believed you were dead. it's only the sheerest luck that i didn't bury you tonight. i'm so sorry, man. do you feel all right? i'm making coffee. do you need water, food? to wake up in a coffin! what could be worse?"

"not to wake up at all, i suppose. but worst of all is to have someone waste a man's last bit of time with idle chatter. be quiet, nevare, and listen. i'm here as a messenger. you were expecting me, weren't you?"

olikea's angry words echoed in my mind. "it will send you a messenger you cannot ignore." cold emanated from my spine and spread to every part of my body. i barely managed to set the kettle on the hob without spilling it. i was suddenly shaking, my teeth chattering with it. his grin grew wider, a merry death rictus. "are you cold? sit down by the fire, nevare. i don't have much time. listen to me."

"no. no, hitch, you listen to me. back at the academy, dr. amicas said some of the plague victims seemed to die but then they revived. that was why he wasn't letting the orderlies take the bodies out of the wards right away. you've just been in a very deep coma and now you've come out of it. you're disoriented and confused. you need to rest. the same thing happened to me and to my friend spink. we both lived. let me get you some water, and then i'll ride for the doctor-no, damnit, they stole clove. but i'll go on foot. i'll get help for you. you just rest."