and now i must tell you-

"what is the meaning of this?" my father's roar of fury and anguish tore my attention from epiny's letter. loose pages in my hand, i looked up to find him glaring from the parlor door. he bore down on me like a cavalla charge. in one hand he held the large envelope from the academy. in the other were several sheets of paper. he shook them at me. his face was red, the veins standing out on his temples, and i would not have been surprised to see froth fly from his jaws, so wroth was he. "explain this!" he roared again. "account for this, you young scoundrel!"

"if you would let me see what it is, perhaps i could," i said to him. i did not mean to sound impertinent, but of course i did.

in fury, my father lifted his hand as to cuff me. i forced myself to stand up tall, meet his eyes and await his blow. instead, with a snarl of frustration, he thrust a letter at me. i managed to catch it before it fluttered to the floor between us. it was on academy letterhead, but it was not from colonel rebin. instead, i recognized dr. amicas's handwriting. in a bold hand at the top, centred on the line, he had written honorable medical discharge. i gaped at it.

"what did you do? all the years i educated you, with the finest teachers i could procure! all the years of trying to instill values and honor into you! why, nevare? why? where did i fail with you?"

it was difficult to read while he ranted at me. my eyes skittered over the page, and phrases leapt out at me: a post-recovery condition...unlikely to respond to any treatment...may worsen with time...impossible to carry out the normal duties of a cavalla officer...dismissed from king's cavalla academy...unlikely to be able to serve in a satisfactory manner in any branch of the military at any level...

and at the bottom, the signature i knew so well, damning me to a useless life living on my brother's charity beneath the weight of my father's contempt. i slowly sank back into my seat, the page still clutched in my hands. there was a humming in my ears, and stupidly i thought of the spindle and its endless dance. my mouth felt dry and i could not form any words. my father had no such problem. he continued castigating me for my irresponsible, self-indulgent, foolish, selfish, senseless ways. i finally found a breath and remembered how to move my mouth.

"i don't know what this is about, father. truly, i don't."

"it's about the end of your career, you fool. it's about no future for you, and shame for your family. a medical discharge for being too fat! that's what it's about! damn you, boy. damn you. you couldn't even fail with dignity. to lose your career because you couldn't refrain from stuffing food in your mouth. what have you done to us? what will my old comrades think of me, sending them such a soldier son?"

his voice ran down. his hands, still clutching additional papers, were shaking. he felt this as his personal failure. his shame. his dignity. the honor of his family. never had he considered how this might feel to me. my father had gone to stand by the window. he read through his handful of papers with his back to me, the writing tilted toward the light. i heard him give a small grunt, as if he'd been struck. a moment later, i heard the gasp of an indrawn breath. he turned to look at me, the papers still held out before him. "filth," he said with great feeling. "of all the disgusting behaviors i might fear a son of mine might indulge in, this! this!"

"i don't know what you are talking about," i said again, stupidly. i wondered why the doctor hadn't spoken to me before i left. i knew a wild moment of hope in which i wondered if it were all a mistake, if this discharge had been written when i was still terribly ill. a glance at the date on the paper ended that dream. the good doctor had signed it several days after i'd left the academy. "i don't understand," i said, more to myself than my father.

"don't you? it's here in black and white. read it for yourself." he left the window and as he angrily strode from the room, he hurled the papers at me. it was not a satisfactory gesture. not one even reached me. they fluttered out around him and settled on the floor. when he slammed the door behind him, that brief gust of wind stirred them again. i bent over to pick them up, grunting as i did so. my belly got in the way, and the waistband of my pants seemed too tight. i scowled as i painstakingly gathered up what proved to be my transcript and all my records, including my medical file.

i took them to the table and sorted them. strange. all these papers were about me, and yet i'd never seen most of them before. here was a secretary's copy of the accusing letter that colonel stiet had sent to my father over the incident with cadet lieutenant tiber. here was, surprisingly, a letter of commendation from captain maw, saying that i had shown extraordinary ability as an independent thinker in his engineering and drafting class, and suggesting that i might best serve the king's cavalla as a scout on the frontier. was that what had so upset my father? i sorted more paper. there were tallies of my test scores for my various classes. my grades were all exemplary. surely they had been up to his expectations, not that i'd ever expected him to acknowledge it.