yaril grasped that a return to schedules would be best for us. she immediately reinstated regular meal served at the table, and assumed the role of leading sixday worship for the women. i followed her example guiltily; i had not even considered assuming that responsibility, and our worship had become a very slipshod observation of the forms. i realized how important it was for us to offer thanks to the good god for our survival when i heard the women and men of our household let loose the tears they had restrained until then. ceremony and form, i reminded myself, gave shape and meaning to our lives. i resolved never to forget that again.

as for the meals, yaril's insistence on a return to normality there was a delight to me. it seemed like years since i'd had the pleasure of sitting down to a carefully planned meal in which the flavors and textures complemented each other. my deprivation had schooled me to a far more sophisticated appreciation of food than i'd ever had before. having realized that even foods as simple as bread and water could be enjoyed, well-prepared food now nearly paralyzed me with delight. a sauce could send shivers up my spine. a contrast in flavors in a simple salad could plunge me into a sudden, rapt reverie. unless i concentrated on keeping pace with yaril, a meal could take me three times as long to consume as it did her. sometimes i would look up from my soup to find her regarding me with a mixture of amusement and worry. at such moments, i felt ashamed of letting my senses carry me into a world of my own. yaril and i were in this predicament together, and it was up to us to create an ongoing life for ourselves.

there were times when it felt like an elaborate pretense. each evening, i escorted her into dinner. i would seat yaril at the table and then move to my accustomed place. around us, the empty chairs gaped at us. i felt as if we had returned to our days of tea parties in the garden, when yaril and elisi had always pretended to be great ladies and welcomed me solemnly to their gatherings. could this really be all that was left of my family? after dinner, when we would seek refuge in the music room, elisi's harp stood silent and watching us. in the parlor, my mother's chair was empty. there seemed no room where the absent did not outnumber the living people.

then, one evening, yaril instituted a change. i was shocked when our soup was a cream one, a type my father had always despised. yaril eliminated the fish course, something she had always dreaded. when we rose from our meal, she announced calmly that we would be having our coffee in the garden. when i followed her there, i noted with approval that she had had a net pavilion erected to frustrate the mosquitoes that the little glass lamps would attract. within the pavilion was a table with only two chairs. a flower arrangement and a deck of cards and a pot of markers were already set out for us. as i stared, a servant brought the coffee service out to us on a small side table. yaril smiled at my astonishment. "shall we play?" she asked me.

and for the first time since the plague had passed us, we shared a pastime, and made wagers and even laughed a bit.

and so the days passed, one after another. i controlled the estate and yaril ran the household. i realized how completely yaril had stepped into my mother's position when she informed me one night over dinner that she had sent for a seamstress and that tomorrow i was to be measured for new clothing. i didn't know what to say for a moment. i blushed hot. every garment i had was stretched and strained at the seams. it was not a trivial matter for me; in some places i was chafed raw, and yet it had happened so gradually that i had not taken any steps to correct it.

she shook her head at my humiliation. "nevare, you have no idea how uncomfortable you look. just looking at how your clothing binds you distresses me. you can't walk around looking like that in front of the hired men, let alone when company comes. we have to do something about it. that's all there is to it."

i looked at my plate in front of me. i had just eaten a large meal, but not outrageously large. still, stupidly, i said, "i've been putting it off. new clothing, i mean. i keep hoping i'll regain my shape and be able to fit into my old garments again." and the words that i had intended as an excuse were, i suddenly recognized, the absolute truth. i was still waiting for something that would restore me to the way i had been. a miracle was required, and i suddenly knew i was not going to get one.

"i am glad that you intend that," my sister said quietly. "and if you would try harder to do so, i'd be ever so proud of you. not that i think you, well, not that i think you eat like a pig. i see you each day, nevare. you work hard. and i don't see you eating gluttonously. well...that is, your meals are generous, but mother always said that you boys would eat more than we women did, and even more so when you were working. but, of course, you should strive to regain your physique.