Volume 1, 1: Regarding Jinnai Shinobu(1/4)
Part 1
The large residence with a thatched roof looked more like the set for a period piece than somewhere anyone actually lived. As I opened the front door, my eyes met with a burglar young enough to still get away with being a freeter.
“Eh? Wait...you!?”
As my heart jumped up into my throat, I reached for the umbrella stand and grabbed a wooden sword that had been bought as a souvenir in Kyoto.
“What the hell happened to our home security!?”
I shouted out louder than necessary more to gain control of my panicking heart than anything. When I swung up the sword with relative seriousness, the burglar managed to unfreeze his body and move. His body readied to flee. With loud footsteps, he shot out onto the open porch and then into the unnecessarily large yard.
The burglar tripped over a stone in the yard and fell flat on his face. Wallets and an ornamental bear spilled out of the backpack he wore. He hesitated over whether he should pick them up, but he finally decided to give priority to flight.
My overall small granny must have finally noticed the ruckus because she headed out to the porch. She smelled of incense, so she must have been cleaning the Buddhist altar.
“What is it, Shinobu? Did a stray cat get in?”
“It was a burglar. Honestly, what happened to our house’s sensors?”
historical
“Sorry. Your granny likes a nice breeze, so I had a window open. That shut off the switch.”
“No, I’m not blaming you. And when I say ‘sensors’, I’m not really talking about the security company either.”
“All the agricultural products in these Intellectual Villages are brand names, so we get so many thieves. I was left speechless when I heard a bunch of grapes costs 30,000 yen.”
“Yeah, but the junmai daiginjo dad and the others make in the facility out back is at least 50,000 yen a cup, right?”
The burglar had spilled his spoils across the yard, but granny checked inside to make sure nothing else was taken. Burglars had started to steal even the solar panels on the roof, so it could be a real pain.
Meanwhile, I put the Kyoto souvenir back in the umbrella stand and decided I might as well report it to the police with my smartphone. It likely wasn’t going to do any good. The village’s police stations were incredibly short on officers and they rarely answered the call from the 110 operator due to either listening to music with headphones during the day or sleeping at their posts at night. Also, they could hardly stand up to a real armed group of thieves. If people actually believed the police could do anything, they wouldn’t exactly pay the security companies so much out of their own pockets, now would they?
When I finished with that process that I had decided I “might as well” do, I walked across the wooden floor of the hallway and further back into the residence.
The thatched roof house had no redeeming value outside of its age, but it did have a few points in its favor.
One of those was the real Zashiki Warashi that lived inside.
“Honestly, isn’t it a Zashiki Warashi’s job to protect the house and keep this kind of thing from happening?” I muttered as I arrived at a door.
Without knocking on the sliding door (can you even knock on sliding doors?), I forcefully opened it and shouted at the top of my voice.
“You, Zashiki Warashi!! Quit slacking off and do your job!!”
But the Zashiki Warashi in question was not there.
After staring into the empty room for a second, I headed for a new destination. I knew where she likely was if she was not there. It was possible she was out (even if she was a Zashiki Warashi), but that was highly unlikely in the middle of a summer day as hot as this one. She would only bother to go out for a walk early in the morning or in the evening.
It may have been the case for all Zashiki Warashis, but there was one characteristic that the one in our house definitely had. Due to this characteristic, I knew one place that had either the highest or second highest appearance rate for her.
That place was my room.
“...That damn indoor Youkai.”
This time there was no reason to knock or say anything. I grabbed the handle of the sliding door to my room and forcefully slid it to the side.
“You’re getting careless, Zashiki Warashi. How the hell did you overlook a burglar!?”
The Zashiki Warashi that had entered my room without permission glanced over at me. She was a black-haired beauty that looked perfect in a red yukata. The Youkai’s body proportions were much too glamorous to be called a “child”.
She was wearing special goggles for a 3D movie.
She was holding a wireless controller and controlling a character displayed on the big screen.
For an instant...
Just an instant...
My body froze up despite the fact that I knew this was what Youkai were really like. A single word took control of my mind. On an impulse, I opened my mouth and shouted.
“Appearances!! You need to keep up appearances as a Youkai!! The culture of Youkai is part of this country’s traditional arts! Do you want to lose that!?”
“Yeah, but isn’t that idea of Youkai just taken from manga and anime? Youkai are supposed to blend into the background of each passing era. The idea of the ‘good old’ Youkai that fit into the ‘good old days’ is nothing more than a recent trend. There’s no real reason for us to stay exactly the same.”
“Yes, but a Zashiki Warashi is supposed to bring fortune to the house it lives in as well as drive out burglars and such.”
“I don’t wanna do that!!”
The glamorous Zashiki Warashi removed the goggles, took a pause in the video game, and then turned to face me while still sitting cross-legged.
The hem of her yukata was flipped up and the white of her thighs stabbed into my eyes, but she did not seem to mind.
“I would rather you didn’t shove all the battling onto us Zashiki Warashi! I am completely confident I would lose spectacularly to another Youkai and even to a human if they were Onmyouji class!!”
“This is the 21st century, so I doubt that profession even exists anymore. Also, if this was some Onmyou master thief or something else straight from a light novel, I think he would steal things in a more fantastical way, you damn Youkai.”
“Also, if I did more Zashiki Warashi-like things, wouldn’t you actually get mad at me?”
“You mean sneak into my futon and straddle me with no warning in the middle of the night?”
That was apparently a characteristic of all Zashiki Warashis, and it would have been fine if she looked like the stereotypical Zashiki Warashi. However, when it was done by one whose bust exceeded 90 cm, it was more than an adolescent boy knew how to deal with. Rather than feel lucky, I would feel a shock rush through my body like my heart was jumping up and breaking my ribs.
The dynamite body Zashiki Warashi was completely unaware of all this, so she casually changed the subject.
“More importantly, you went to the Sanatorium, didn’t you? The sweets shop is on the way. I assume you at least bought some popsicles on your way back. Can I count on at least that much?”
“Shut up. Huh? They’re gone... Oh, when I grabbed the wooden sword, I...”
I headed back to the front entrance, but not to treat the Zashiki Warashi. I simply did not want the popsicles I had bought to melt before anyone could eat them. The box of 10 popsicles was indeed lying on the floor. I had dropped them when I reached for the wooden sword to deal with the burglar.
I returned to the room with the Zashiki Warashi and she immediately pulled a soda-flavored popsicle from the box. I received no thanks whatsoever. However...
“Nnnn!! Air conditioning isn’t bad, but you just can’t beat cooling down from within.”
“Your smiles at times like this really do fit the ‘child’ part.”
She ignored my comment. As a Youkai who was as old as the house, she may have seen it as the nonsense of a human child.
“Speaking of the Sanatorium, did Madoka say anything troublesome?”
“...She’s more or less troublesome through and through, but she was extra troublesome today.”
“If it’s that bad, I think I’ll plug my ears right now.”
“No, you’re listening to this. I’m getting you involved in this even if I have to force you.”
Part 2
The reason I had gone out into the heat during summer break was to head to a facility known as the Sanatorium so I could visit an acquaintance named Madoka.
However, Madoka did not have some horrible illness.
She was simply a classmate of mine.
As the old-fashioned word “sanatorium” suggests, it was simply meant to add to the atmosphere of the Intellectual Village just like the thatched roof of my house. The facility had nothing to do with tuberculosis, mental illness, or anything else medical. The Intellectual Village created a brand-name image of the “good old days”, and the Sanatorium was something like an attraction.
I had no idea why the rich would pay so much money just to be hospitalized there despite having nothing wrong with them. But then, taking a trial tour of the JSDF had become a popular means of dieting, so businesses had been created around providing strange ways of staying healthy.
Since it was targeted towards rich people with odd tastes, the price was of course ridiculously high.
My classmate Madoka-chan had a rich enough family, but she herself was a super high school girl who did day trading herself.
They must have been focusing on providing the expected image, because the waiting room had overly strict means of preventing escape installed in place.
“Hello, how are things outside?” Asked a girl in a thin surgical gown with a smile so lively I doubted anyone could be healthier than her.
“Peaceful...other than the off-season Yuki Onna I met at the bus stop. Y’know, I’m not going to have interesting things happen to me all the time.”
“But it’s summer break for students.”
“A perfectly healthy girl who chooses to hole up in this medical facility has no right to say that.”
“That doesn’t stop me from saying it,” said Madoka.
I was there simply because I was the class president. To be blunt, Madoka was a problem child. She did not get along well with her parents and she found no enjoyment in school. No actual abuse or bullying had occurred, but she was still definitely isolating herself.
Our homeroom teacher preferred to avoid all conflict, so the job of checking on her periodically had been thrust onto me even though it was summer break.
“Are you doing your homework?”
“That really has no impact from someone who hasn’t done his homework either.”
“I won’t deny that, but I’m just trying to start a conversation. If I don’t find something to talk about, the conversation isn’t going to last long. I’ve been looking after you since April and I still don’t even know what kind of food you like.”
“If we have nothing to talk about, I can teach you how to make money.”
“That’s the thing about you. You can make all the money you need on your own, so you never rely on anyone. And so you feel no need to meet anyone halfway. Is that why you’ve isolated yourself despite having no real reason to?”
“You say that, but what do you want me to do? Should I throw 30 billion yen into the train station trash just to get along with everyone? Or should I force troublesome tasks on others for the sake of communication even though I don’t need anything done? You know, something like ‘Hey, you over there. I’ll give you 5 billion yen, so use it to make double that.’ Actually, I think that would be enough to put a normal high school student in the mental hospital.”
“Yeah, probably,” I replied offhand.
Unfortunately, my role was merely to talk with Madoka, not to resolve her problems. Why would I go that far? It isn’t like class president is a paying job.
“By the way, some guys in suits have been walking around. Who are they? Did you hire some kind of service again?”
“They aren’t here for me. I haven’t lived that long yet.”
“?”
“They’re inheritance agents.” Madoka lightly waved her slender index finger around. “As you know, the Sanatorium focuses more on creating the right mood than on any actual function. The only people here are either health enthusiasts like me or old people who have gotten sick of making money in some filthy city so they simply want to live out their last days peacefully surrounded by the beauty of nature.”
“And what are those something-or-other agents here for?”
“I don’t really know. The reasons differ from person to person. Some do not want to give their family their inheritance. Some want to give their inheritance to their mistress rather than their wife. Some want to give everything to their grandchild while not leaving a single yen for their son.”
I can’t say what my expression was at that moment, but Madoka had a mischievous look in her eyes as she stared straight at me.
She had a way of livening up when it came to talk of money.
“All of them have their reasons for leaving their families and coming to the Sanatorium, so it isn’t surprising that these inheritance agents are so common here.”
“Being rich must be tough...” I muttered without thinking.
Merely by living in an Intellectual Village, I may have qualified as rich, but my allowance was no greater than that of a normal kid, so it never seemed that way to me.
“It could be a lot worse than that.” Madoka grinned. “A while ago, there was a rumor that anyone who entered a certain room here would die. A certain rich old man actually had his family enthusiastically try to throw him into that room.”
“...Seriously?”
“Seriously. I thought it might have something to do with Youkai and a Package, but it must not since nothing ever came of it. Or maybe the assembly simply hadn’t been completed.”
I didn’t like the sound of the terms she used.
Feeling weary, I replied, “If you’re going to talk about dangerous things, at least keep it within the realm of things relating to my position as the class president...”
“What are you talking about? If you haven’t brought me any interesting stories, my only option is to laugh at your tragedy. So I’ll take this opportunity to tell you something.”
“Myahhhh myahhh!! I’m not listening!!
“You mentioned that you met an off-season Yuki Onna on the way, didn’t you? You’re probably in a lot of trouble thanks to that. Why is it that Youkai always seem to hide when the reporters for a spiritual TV show arrive, but they always show themselves at the worst possible time for you?”
“Don’t ask me!”
“Is there some kind of smell only Youkai can detect? Maybe it has something to do with the sake your family makes.”
“My old man treats that Zashiki Warashi like she’s some great king of fear he needs to tremble before while my uncle is known for only getting teased by her.”
“But the fact remains that they both have a high encounter rate with her, right? Just like with that Yuki Onna, you always seem to run across the ones that you could have easily gone without running across and that it is quite dangerous to meet.”
She seemed to be truly enjoying herself.
As if in contrast to my weariness, Madoka’s face lit up as she added, “What I was talking about before barely counts as dangerous compared to you and that Yuki Onna. But now that you’ve run across her, you’re likely already involved and nothing I say will change it.”
Part 3
The red yukata-wearing Zashiki Warashi rolled over, opened a laptop lying on the tatami mats, and began browsing a video sharing site.
“I get it, I get it. Things took a dangerous turn and someone is trying to kill you. That has nothing to do with me. O-Ohhhhhh!! A panda videooooo!!”
“How cold-hearted can you be!?”
“I already told you not to expect any Youkai battles out of me. I’m basically a child, remember? I’m not suited toward ridiculous battles like the Shichinin Misaki or the Hyakki Yakou where they scatter curses everywhere and slaughter anyone they run across.”
“Surely there are other ways you can help! Also, that game system and that computer are mine! A Youkai can’t make a contract with the provider. If I die, you can’t access those video sharing sites!!”
“Chehh...”
It seemed that was the only aspect of this that bothered her. The adult-like Zashiki Warashi turned away from the video of a fluffy panda and faced me once more.
“So now you’re negotiating with Youkai. It’s disappointing how much of your innocence you’ve lost. You used to have such bright, pure eyes.”
“You need to stop trying to get by on seniority when you’re cornered.”
“You were cutest when I would give you a bath every day or when I would help you change in the pool changing room.”
“I said stop it!! We humans have no way to win when it comes to seniority!!”
“I really didn’t know what to do when you would grab onto my swimsuit and tug the entire time because you were afraid of getting lost. The problem was that you didn’t mean anything by it.”
“Kyaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!” I screamed as my soul was torn down from the inside.
She had had that glamorous body since before my grandfather was born. Those things seemed so risqué when I thought back on them!!
“So is someone really trying to kill you?”
“Unfortunately.”
“What’s the reason this time?” Asked the Zashiki Warashi as she rolled over and her pure white legs were exposed from the disheveled hem of her yukata. “You live in an Intellectual Village not a large city, so running into Youkai is not exactly rare. Especially for you, Shinobu. On that trip to the beach to swim, you got a love letter from a mermaid.”
“...Yeah, and afterwards I was almost dragged down to the bottom of the ocean.”
“Did you do anything to make that Yuki Onna try to haunt you and kill you? Like mentioning that story of a Yuki Onna sparing the man she married.”
“No.” I shook my head. “That’s not it.”
Part 4
After what Madoka had told me, I was of course on my guard.
On the way back from the Sanatorium, I trudged down the mountain road because I was too cheap to pay for the bus fare. Due to thickly grown trees casting too much of a shadow, the area contained none of the solar panels that changed angle like sunflowers. Instead, a small waterway ran alongside the road with a great number of small hydroelectric water wheel generators running off of the natural water that was 300 yen a liter. Even something like that had been carefully calculated out with fluid mechanics to ensure the shape and width kept fallen leaves from clogging up the waterway.
I may have been on my guard, but I had overlooked one obvious fact. The mountain road was the only road back, so I would naturally pass by a certain bus stop near a sharp curve. And if the Yuki Onna I had met before was still standing there, I would of course run into her again.
“...I really am an idiot...”
“So we meet again. Hee hee hee... Perhaps this is destiny. So, how about you try marrying me?”
She looked to be around 13. She had long, pale blue hair and wore a pure white kimono that could easily be mistaken for burial clothes. An odd cracking noise of unknown origin seemed to come from the intentionally old-fashioned bus station bench. The plastic materials may have been undergoing some kind of change due to being frozen.
“...Yukinko was it?”
“I am a Yuki Onna. A Yuki Onna is the representative example of a beautiful Youkai. Please do not confuse a woman of deadly beauty such as myself with one of those brats that like to play with snow. Also, let’s get married.”
“A flat-chested Yuki Onna like you should probably just switch bodies with a certain large-breasted Zashiki Warashi I know.”
As I spoke, I could see a warning light flashing inside my head. I could also feel a definite change in temperature as I backed away from her.
Meeting a Yuki Onna could lead to death.
Unlike the Zashiki Warashi at my house, the Yuki Onna was a Youkai that had killing humans as a primary characteristic. Just as a Zashiki Warashi was known to climb into your futon in the middle of the night and straddle you, a Yuki Onna would kill someone simply because she was a Yuki Onna.
To be blunt, she was more dangerous than some ferocious pet an irresponsible owner had abandoned.
I sorted through a few conditions in my head.
Most people probably know the story of the Yuki Onna more on the level of a picture book or old story rather than as a Youkai tale. And that was the extent of my knowledge as well.
Two men were stranded on a snowy mountain in winter and a Yuki Onna killed the older man. She let the younger man go, but made him promise to never tell anyone what happened. Later, the man married a certain woman and ended up carelessly telling her the story of the Yuki Onna. However, it turned out the woman he married really was the Yuki Onna.
Looking at the story at face value makes the Yuki Onna look rather fickle, but if she had been planning to marry the younger man from the beginning, she actually seems much more meticulous. The story featured several promises both obvious and hidden. For example, if the younger man had married some other woman before the Yuki Onna appeared to him in disguise, she might have bared her fangs at him then.
Since old stories often have morals, one theory states that the Yuki Onna could represent the horrors of a mountain during winter and the marriage promise could represent proper mountain climbing knowledge. With the proper knowledge, a mountain can be enjoyably majestic, but it bares its fangs if you are careless.
But enough about explanations created by city scholars who have never seen a real Youkai.
The problem was that the existence that represented the horrors of a mountain during winter was leisurely sitting on a bench in front of me. Naturally, this was a situation where the conditions could possibly cause her to immediately bare her fangs at me.
I was in a dangerous position.
I decided the best way to avoid carelessly stepping on any landmines would be to not make any promises to her whatsoever. There were some Youkai that you would die from just by seeing it, so it could have been worse.
“...So why is a Yuki Onna like you out in this hot midsummer weather?”
“Will you promise to marry me if I tell you?”
“No, I won’t. And isn’t that rushing things a bit? You can barely even say we’ve met.”
That marriage request was likely a trigger that made her attack. She would ask anyone who met certain requirements to marry her. Any of those who agreed would be bound by promises and frozen to death. I could hardly take her seriously. She was taking marriage too lightly. It was light as air.
The little Yuki Onna looked at me with spiteful eyes.
“If you do not promise to marry me right here and now, I will make sure you die...”
“Geh!? You prepared two paths to attack!?”
If I don’t make that ridiculous promise, I’ll be killed, but if I do make it, she’ll bind me with promises and kill me? Could the characteristics of a Yuki Onna be any worse!?
“I-I’m a minor...”
“Only by human rules. According to Youkai rules, even a verbal promise is enough. So let us get married. Marriage now.”
“I like the human way!! And I don’t think I would last even a day if I was thrown out into the snowy plains you come from!!”
“Then promise to marry me as soon as you are of marrying age according to the Japanese Constitution.”
“Too bad! The Japanese Constitution does not recognize marriage between humans and Youkai, so it’ll never be possible!”
Customarily, Youkai were treated as something similar to humans, but there was no actual legal basis to that. They could not even sign a cell phone contract.
The Yuki Onna tilted her head to the side and said, “So you’re saying it can’t happen unless the Japanese Constitution is revised for some reason? Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh.”
Geh. Not good. I doubt the law will change anytime soon, but I’m afraid of having her come after me in 50 years saying I’ve broken my promise. She’ll look exactly the same in 1000 years, so it’s completely possible.
“I won’t even discuss marrying someone whose name I don’t even know.”
“I am #58902385Ra4.”
Shit, she’s serious. That was her national registration number that no one uses anymore, wasn’t it!?
“B-but I also need to know at least one weakness of someone before I’ll discuss marrying them.”
“I do not like cicadas or concrete dams.”
“Take this! Min-min[1] bomber!!”
“Nyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!?”
I grabbed a cicada from a nearby tree and threw it at her. The Yuki Onna fell off the bus stop bench and ran off. I didn’t get a good look at her face, but I had a feeling she was crying.
Hmm.
Good thing she was an idiot.
That was one way of driving away a Youkai.
What mattered most was that I had managed not to promise her anything.
“I don’t remember hearing that Yuki Onna don’t like cicadas. Was that a personal weakness rather than one of the entire race?”
With a quizzical look on my face, I started back down the mountain road.
I had made it past the first threat after Madoka’s warning, so I can’t deny that I let my guard down a bit.
However, I would not have been able to avoid what came next even if I had been on my guard.
Immediately afterwards, someone suddenly shot me in the chest with a hunting rifle.
Part 5
The Zashiki Warashi in the bright red yukata rolled over and her glossy hair spread out across the tatami mats.
With a bored look on her face, she said, “I call bullshit on that. If you really had been shot, you wouldn’t have come back home.”
“Okay, fine. I exaggerated a bit. I wasn’t actually shot through the heart.”
“You actually do well in school, but you don’t look like it at all, so try not to say things in such a stupid way.”’
Thanks to that, my nickname was “Intellectual Yakuza”.
But anyway...
“I don’t want to be called stupid by such a good-for-nothing Youkai. And nothing you say sounds remotely Youkai-like anymore. You should be saying things that sound like they are filled with significance and make you sound like you have vast experience from having lived since before the dawn of civilization, not checking the times of net concerts every day!”
“Oh? Would you rather have a debate regarding the range of random numbers X that relates to the frequency with which Youkai appear?”
“Don’t bring up one of the top 10 unsolved problems of the 21st century!! Also, you’re a Youkai, so doesn’t that give you too much of an advantage?”
“You’re saying I should know everything about Youkai just because I am one? How na?ve. Shinobu, can you give me the random number range for the genes that determine if a human is male or female as well as explain when, where, and how those genes are expressed?”
“Nhh...”
“There are just things we don’t know. We just live as we are. N-->>