BART'S GIRLFRIEND Remember, Bart I mean, Dances in Underwear. - We take the white man alive. All right, Thinks Too Much. It shall be so. Keep your eyes peeled for Injuns. I mean, Native Americans. They're after us because we gave them blankets infected with cooties. I ate all my caps. Throw down your weapons and kiss the prairie, cow dorks! Why do we have to play this corny old game anyway? I brought my jacks! I got twosies! That's not fair, Nelson. They didn't have the Killmatic 3000 back then. Hey, records from that era are spotty at best. Bart! Lisa! Time for church! Milhouse, time for church! Shlomo, time for your violin lesson! Why the crap do we have to go church anyway? You just answered your own question with that commode mouth. Besides, you kids need to learn morals and decency and how to love your fellow man. And with flaming swords, the Aramites did pierce the eyes of their fellow men and did feast on what flowed forth. Among whom also we all once conducted ourselves in the lusts of our flesh I'm a troll man I'm a troll man I don't want you playing with something that has such bizarre hair. Awful, awful hair. And now my daughter, Jessica who has just returned from boarding school will read the same passage I just read. I noticed a few of you weren't paying attention. Wow, there is a God. I'm telling you, the light would work better if it pointed out to sea! Shut up, I know what I'm doing. I hate the sea and everything in it. Bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Thank you for choosing our church. I've never felt this way about a girl before. My long search is finally over. Hi, I'm Bart Simpson. I was incredibly moved by your reading. I don't think God's words have ever sounded so plausible. Thanks, Art. I have to go over here now. Don't be so hard on yourself, Bart. It's not your fault Jessica doesn't like you. Is it my hair? My overbite? The fact that I've worn the same clothes for the last four years? No, Bart. I just think you and Jessica are too different to get along. She's a sweet, kind reverend's daughter, and you're the devil's cabana boy. Good. Very good. Ralph, Jesus did not have wheels. - Bart Simpson? - Yes, ma'am. I'd like to return to your wonderful Sunday school, please. But, Bart, we banned you from Sunday school. You were happy. We were happy. Everybody was happy. Particularly the hamster. I've changed my ways. Please give me another chance, ma'am. All right, Bart. The Bible does teach forgiveness. Class, I want you to welcome back our prodigal son. - What? - What's prodigal mean? Oh, dear. You know, the great thing about Sunday school is we're finally learning something we can use. Yeah, so true. I have to turn my chair this way now. Somehow I gotta convince her I'm a good person. All right, I have to sit here and behave, no matter what. Okay, class. We have a special treat today for pass-around. A replica of the slingshot David used to slay Goliath. While you kids are looking at that, I'll just busy myself in this file cabinet. Must fight Satan. Make it up to him later. You know, I was considering staying after school and helping teacher clean up. Do you ever think anything you don't say? There is just no pleasing a girl like that! All that unnecessary behaving. I'm all tense through the chestal area. I need relief. Now, the kilt was only for day-to-day wear. In battle, we donned a full-length ball gown covered in sequins. The idea was to blind your opponent with luxury. 'Tis no more than what God gave me, you Puritan pukes. That'll hold me, at least till I get my hands on some kind of explosives. Congratulations, Simpson. You just fell for our sting and won yourself three months' detention. There's no such thing as Scotchtoberfest! There's not? You used me, Skinner! You used me! Three months? Hi, Bart. I saw the way they set you up. That was really unfair. Wanna have dinner at my house tonight? Really? Sure. Great. We eat at 7. There's only one thing to do at a moment like this: Strut. I can't believe my little boy is already going on his first date. Oh, that's sweet, Homer. Our son is growing up, isn't he? No, it's not that. Didn't you hear? They have no bananas. They have no bananas today. So, Bart, how's school going? Jessica always gets straight A's. Well, in my family, grades aren't that important. It's what you learn that counts. Six times five! What is it? Actually, numbers don't have much use in my future career: Olympic gold-medal rocket-sled champ! I didn't know the rocket sled was an Olympic event. Well, no offense, but what you don't know could fill a warehouse. Young man, explain yourself! Sorry. I have kind of a short fuse, which some find charming. Speaking of charming, watching Fox last night I heard a rather amusing story. This character named Martin was feeling rather randy and he was heard to remark And don't you ever come near my daughter again! Never have I heard such gratuitous use of the word "butt"! - But But But - Make him stop! - But But But - Make him stop! You're bad, Bart Simpson. No, I'm not. I'm really Yes, you are. You're bad. And I like it. I'm bad to the bone, honey. - Let's go find some fun. - But your father said I told the rev I was going to my room to say my prayers. Smart, beautiful and a liar. So much better than that Sarah, plain and tall. Right there! Put that there! Excellent! You're incredible, Jessica. Your throws, your catches, your spirals, your loops. It's like the toilet paper is an extension of your body. No way would a minister's daughter go out with you. Oh, yeah? I'll prove it. - Hey, Jessica. - Yes? - Am I supposed to know you? - Jessica, we just That's for besmirching an innocent girl's name. - Why? - I'm sorry, Bart. You know my parents can't find out about us. And besides, if it's secret, it's even more exciting. - I guess. - Hey, you wanna go skateboarding? Actually, I was hoping I could sit down for just a second. Come on, it'll be fun. Now I have the energy to do anything. Just give me two minutes. Jessica, I think this is too steep. Bart, you can't trust your perception at this altitude. Actually, if the road surface maintains its integrity I just might be able to hold on. The glue will slow me down. - Any glue leaking? - No. That glue ain't going nowhere. Nothing's ever gonna stop me. Oh, no. There goes the glue after all. Fun, huh? Have you noticed any change in Bart? - New glasses? - No. He looks like something might be disturbing him. Probably misses his old glasses. I guess we could get more involved in Bart's activities. But then I'd be afraid of smothering him. - Yeah. And then we'd get the chair. - That's not what I meant. It was, Marge. Admit it. - Hi. - We should get to class. - What's the hurry? - We could get in trouble for being late. You worry too much. Come on. If you stay here a while, I'll let you hold my hand. Teamwork! Come on, Bart. If I don't save the wee turtles, who will? Save me from the wee turtles! They were too quick for me! I can't believe it, Bart. I'd always thought Jessica was so sweet. She's like a Milk Dud, Lis: Sweet on the outside, poison on the inside. - You gotta give her up. - No, no, wait. Hear my plan. Put up with her for seven more years. Then we'll get married. Once the first baby comes, she's bound to settle down and treat me right. After all, I deserve it. Bart, it's naive to think you can change a person. Except maybe that boy who works in the library. Do you have Go, Dog, Go? That's in Juvenile. This is Young Adult. Well-read and just a little wild. If only someone could tame him. You're right, Lisa. Love isn't about fixing someone. I'm just gonna give her up cold turkey. I'm not gonna talk to her or see her. It's over. Thanks for the advice, sis. There. If I can just get through this many days without seeing her she should be completely out of my system. Okay, day one. Time for church, Bart. I bet your little friend Jessica will be there. - Jessica. - Bart, be strong. You don't need that little hellcat. Oh, Lis, she's already drawn me to her with her beautiful siren song. That's very disturbing. Hey, Bart. What? What's wrong? Well, Jessica, I don't think we should hang out together anymore. You're turning me into a criminal when all I want to be is a petty thug. Oh, good. Here comes the collection plate. "Thirty cents off Shake 'N' Bake. " - Homer! - We can spare it, Marge. We've been blessed. You're right about everything, Bart. I have been too reckless. From now on, I am going to settle down. Jessica, what are you doing? Well, it takes money to start a new life. Stealing from the collection basket is really wrong. Even I know that. Fine. You just lost your cut. I'll just take that. Everyone turn around and look at this. What is it? A Unitarian? Now just relax. For once, you didn't do anything wrong. Just explain yourself and everyone will understand. - L - Took the money? Yes, we know. - He confessed! - Okay. Stop him! He's headed for the window! Son, if you look me in the eye and say you didn't take the collection money that's all I need. - I didn't take it. - Why, you little How can you lie like that? Homer, stop that! I believe him. Tell me, if he didn't take the money, why is he wearing those fancy clothes? That's what he wore to church. How convenient. Bart, honey, do you know who did take the money? - No. - See, son? Telling the truth isn't so bad. - Boo! - Boo! - Why, you little! - Crook! - Thief! - Stealer of money from the church! We've gotta talk. Listen, thanks for not turning me in. That was sweet. Well, it seems like if you really care for me, you should come forward. Don't you see? It's because I care for you that I can't come forward. That doesn't make any sense. Then I just don't feel like it, okay? Jessica, you're really beautiful, but you are not very nice. With the way you treat me, why should I protect you? Because if you tell, no one will believe you. Remember, I'm the sweet, perfect minister's daughter. And you're just yellow trash. So here's where you're hiding. This is my only refuge from the taunts and accusations of the townspeople. Thief. Bart, we can't just let her get away with this! Give it up, Lis. She's a criminal mastermind. She's got a 108 IQ, she reads at a fifth-grade level. And her hair smells like red Froot Loops. Yeah? Well, I eat Froot Loops for breakfast. Because of last week's problems we'll be taking certain precautions with this week's collection. We shouldn't have let them do this. It can't be helping his self-esteem. Now for our offertory reading, Lisa Simpson who we'll all be keeping an eye on. I know most of you have already judged my brother guilty without any proof. But doesn't the Bible teach us "judge not, lest ye be judged," Reverend? I think it may be somewhere towards the back. There is someone among us with a guilty conscience. After much soul-searching, I decided it would be wrong of me to name names. But I urge that guilty person here, under the eyes of God to come forward, to confess and save yourself from the torment of your own personal hell! I smelled some marijuana smoke in Vietnam! I was the one that canceled Star Trek! I left my Porsche keys inside Mrs. Glick. I am talking to the collection-money thief! Only you can come forward and end this injustice! Oh, what the heck. It was Jessica Lovejoy! If you search her room, I am certain you will find the money. - To the little girl's room! - Yeah! That's the collection money! Oh, yeah. Smells like church. I guess it's obvious what's happened here. Bart Simpson has somehow managed to sneak his bedroom into my house. Well, come on! Use your imaginations! No, Dad. I did it. It's your classic cry for attention. Well, young lady, I suppose we brought you home from boarding school a little prematurely. I was expelled, Dad. Remember the pipe bomb? The glee club brawl? Remember the school chapel collection plate? The exploding toilets ring a bell? Come on, Dad, pay attention to me! Hello, in there. Hello? I think you all owe my son an apology. - Very sorry. - That's okay. Appreciate it. - Hi, Jessica. - Hi, Bart. Come to watch me suffer? I just wanted to let you know that even though this was a difficult experience I really learned a lot. I'm a little wiser and a little less naive. Well, I learned that I can make men do whatever I want. Well, don't you see, Jessica? Then you really haven't learned Would you finish scrubbing these steps? Will I? Hey, Jessica! Coming! Poor sucker. It's amazing what some guys will do for a pretty face. Not me though. Wait till she sees the second-rate job I do on these stairs.