Lisa on Ice It's Channel 6 Action News. Ah, Action News. The last place an impressionable kid can go for TV violence. Now here's your Action anchor, Kent Brockman. Hello, I'm Kent Brockman! Our top stories tonight: A tremendous explosion in the price of lumber. "President Reagan dyes his hair, " says Gary Trudeau in his new musical comedy review. But first let's check the death count from the killer storm bearing down on us like a shotgun full of snow. As of now, the death count is zero. But it is ready to shoot right up. Oh, my God! Damn you, snow! All right! Snow day! No school tomorrow! That doesn't mean no book report. What if the weatherman is wrong? Lisa, that man is a professional meteorologist. Kent, I'd like to remind everybody to come down and watch me at the Springfield Laugh and Brew and Burgers and Fries on Saturday. The forecast calls for a 75%/% chance of hilarity. I like those odds. Snowball fight! You're gonna eat a blizzard of unseasonable warmth? I made the snowball from the frost in our freezer. Nice P. J. S, Simpson. Did your mommy buy them for you? Of course she did. Who else would have? All right, Simpson. You win this round. Okay, it's book report time. We'll do them alphabetically. Today it's A through M. I'm saved! I love being a Simpson. Let's see. We have no A's. So let's go right to the B's. Bart. Mrs. Krabappel I didn't Attention. This is Principal Skinner your principal, with a message from the principal's office. All students proceed immediately to an assembly in the Butthead Memorial Auditorium. Damn it, I wish we hadn't let the students name that. Children, the times they are becoming quite different. Test scores are at an all-time low. So I've come up with these academic alerts! You will receive one as soon as your grades start to slip in any subject. Your parents won't have to wait until report cards to punish you. How innovative. I like it. Hey, Dolph, take a memo on your Newton: Beat up Martin. Bah! All right, first academic alert: Wiggum, Ralph. I won! I won! No. No, Ralph. This means you're failing English. Me fail English? That's "unpossible. " Muntz, Nelson. You're failing history, geography and math. - But you're doing quite well in home ec. - Hey! Keep it down, man. Simpson Lisa. Grades are all I have. What could I be failing? I'm smart and a teacher's pet. Gym?! That's the stupidest thing I ever heard! Lisa, your father and I are very concerned about this warning. I really hope you try harder. That's all of them. And I'm so proud you didn't try to forge my name. How about a present, son? Well, I could use a new pair of hockey skates. - Done and done. - That's not fair. Why is Bart getting a present, and I'm getting chewed out? Ah, the mysteries of life. Tell you what, Simpson. I won't fail you if you join one of those Pee Wee teams outside the school. You mean, where parents push kids into vicious competition to compensate for their own failed dreams of glory? Look, I don't need this. I inhaled my favorite whistle this morning. Children, that was our only ball. There'll be no team this year. Mom, this is really scary. I'm gonna get my first F ever. Cheer up. So you're not good at sports. It's a very small part of life. Sports, sports, sports, sports Marge, Bart rides up in the front seat today because he's a good guy at sports. I think Lisa needs to feel a little special tonight. How about letting her ride up front too? I tried. Okay, son. Just remember to have fun out there today. - And if you lose, I'll kill you! - Oh, Dad. All right, Pigs, beat those Gougers. I could've been equipment manager, but no! Our goalie cannot stand up. Tell you what, get some rope. Defense! Defense! Come on! You call that blowing! Oh, yes, we won! We won! We won! Unfortunately, since I bet on the other team we won't be going for pizza. Well, boy, you won. So I'm gonna live up to my side of the agreement. Here's your turtle, alive and well. Aw, thanks, Dad. How about some adulation from my little sister? Wow, Bart, I'm so impressed you were able to give Milhouse a concussion. Aw, you're just jealous. Because you stink at sports! - Cut it out, Bart! - What the? You know, I wonder if her skills will transfer over to the game of hockey. Well, only one way to be sure. Heads up, little girl! The goalie of my dreams! Let's try a hard one to make sure it wasn't a fluke. Hey! Way to knock out my teeth! Yeah, that's it, Milhouse. Keep up the chatter. Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't it's that girls should stick to girl sports. Such as hot oil wrestling, foxy boxing and such and such. I think women should be able to play any sport men play. But hockey is so violent and dangerous. Look at Milhouse's teeth. Mom, will you stop showing us those? I have to join the team or I'll get an F that will haunt me for the rest of my life. I now pronounce you president of these United Stop the inauguration! I just discovered our president-elect got an F in second-grade gym class! In that case, I sentence you to a lifetime of horror on Monster Island. Don't worry. It's just a name. He said it was just a name! What he meant is that Monster Island is actually a peninsula. Do you have my teeth? No. Okay, hotshots. Now that my daughter is on your team I want to make a few things clear. Please, Dad. I'll be fine. I don't want anyone to give her a hard time just because she's different. No jokes, no taunting Look! That kid's got bosoms! Who's got a wet towel? Come here, you butterball. Don't make me run! I'm full of chocolate! I can't watch. I don't know how you two can sit here laughing at poor Lisa while she's probably scared to death. We're laughing with her, Marge. There's a big difference. With her. You really think I did okay out there, Mom? Absolutely, honey. By blocking the net, I really think you helped your team. Okay, little buddy. Hop in. I mean my little girl buddy. That's very nice, but it's wrong for you to reward violent, competitive behavior. However, I will sit up front with you if it's a fatherly gesture of love. Okay, hon. Sucker! Competitive violence, that's why you're here! We're having our best season ever. And I would like to say that it is because of teamwork. Gee, who am I kidding, huh? It's all because of Lisa. Let's hear it for Lisa! Hey, Bart. If Lisa's better than you at hockey does that mean you're gonna become better than her at school? Maybe I will, Milhouse. Maybe I will. Who can tell me the capital of Spain? Bart Simpson. The square root of 36? Bart Simpson. Who freed the slaves? Bart Simpson. Bart Simpson. Bart Simpson. Bart Simpson, stop raising your hand. You haven't had one right answer today. Sorry. This is for wasting teacher's valuable time! Lay off, guys! He's with me. It's a lucky coincidence you happen to be your sister's brother. Don't worry, Bart. They won't bother you anymore. I hardly ever let Mother fight for me anymore. Sorry, Bart. I'm gonna hang out with Lisa for protection and to be seen! Come watch TV with me, Dad. We missed the first two Cops, but if we hurry, we can catch the last three. Oh, sorry, Bart. Lisa and I are going out for gelato. We'd ask you to come, but you know. - Bart, I can spend some time with you. - I don't know, Mom. Don't have a stereotypical view of me just because I'm your mother. I know. How about we play the basketball? I'm no Harvey Globetrotter, but Watch out for the Shaq attack! I told you to watch out. Hey, Milhouse! Knock him down if he's in your way! Jimbo, Jimbo! Go for the face! Look! Ralph Wiggum lost his shinguard! Hack the bone! Hack the bone! Wow! Eye of the tiger! Mouth of a teamster! To think of all the time I wasted on you! Well, not wasted I love you. Let me give my special little winner a big, big hug. Ma. I think I'm all hugged out. Ah, one more. Hello, Queen Lisa. Bart! What are you doing in my room? Lisa, certain differences, rivalries if you will, have come up between us. At first, I thought we could talk it over like civilized people. But instead, I just ripped the head off Mr. Honey Bunny! Bart, that was your cherished childhood toy. Mr. Honey Bunny! - Quiet down, Bart! - Bart, just get out of here. - It's a free country. You get out. - That doesn't make sense. I know you are, but what am I? Get out! Get out! Okay! But on my way, I'm gonna be doing this: If you get hit, it's your own fault. Okay. Then I'm gonna start kicking air like this: And if any part of you should fill that air, it's your own fault. I better go check that out. Now, Homer, don't you eat this pie. Okay. All right, pie, I'm just gonna do this: And if you get eaten, it's your own fault. Oh, my Oh, the hell with it. Stop it! Stop it, stop it, stop it! Stop it! Mom, that is really annoying. - Bart started it. - Lisa started it. I don't care who started it! I don't want to see you fighting like that ever again. We love you both. You're not in competition with each other. Repeat, you are not in competition with each other. Hey! Apu just called. This Friday, Lisa's team is playing Bart's team. You're in direct competition! Don't go easy on each other because you're brother and sister. I want to see you both fighting for your parents' love! Fight! Fight! Fight! Okay, I'm gonna make a little deal with you mugs. I'm gonna let you out to see my team play the game if you promise to return to your cells. Sorry, pig. We can't make that promise. All right. All right, I'll sweeten the deal. You can see the game, you don't have to come back but you have to promise not to commit any more crimes, okay? - No. - I'll take that as a yes. All right, we're free! At 7 tonight the games begin Bart versus Lisa, who will win? Their father's fat and their mother's thin And Grampa Simpson reeks of gin Hey! That's Obsession for Men. Pass ketchup. You'll have to do better than that tonight, chump. I asked for ketchup! I'm eating salad here. I won't have any aggressive condiment-passing in this house. - Hello. - Moe, what are you doing here? What? What? A bartender can't come by and say hi to his best customer? Hey, hey there, Midge. Oh, gee, I like what you done to your hair. You caught me at a real bad time, Moe. I hope you understand I'm too tense to pretend I like you. Yeah, and how are the little kids doing? I mean, really, how are they doing? Any disabling injuries? Something that the gambling community might not yet know about? Here, let me see those knees. Moe, I think you should leave. But Blanche, you gotta help me out here! Please! I'm 64 grand in the hole! They're gonna take my thumbs! Charge! Good luck tonight, sis. I'll try not to hurt you! Don't worry. I'm wearing my lucky rabbit's head. Mr. Honey Bunny! You inhumane monster! You want a piece of me? Hey, hey. Stop it, stop it! Conserve your precious hatred for the game. Now that we're all alone, Marge, admit it. - You like Lisa best. - No! - Oh, so you're a Bart woman, are you? - No. You can't possible like Maggie best. What has she ever done? Nothing for nobody. Homer, we can't root for one child over the other. You wouldn't like it if the kids played favorites with us. - Hey, Mom! Look at me, Mom! - Hi, Mom, over here! Mom! Hi, kids. And now to honor America, here's Krusty the Clown. Shouldn't have turned down those cue cards. I love Bart! No, wait! I love Lisa! Beer? Oh, Marge, I love you. He tripped my boy! I demand vengeance! I want vengeance! Jimbo Jones called for tripping. A penalty shot will be taken by Bart Simpson. Oh, my God. A penalty shot with only four seconds left. It's your child versus mine! The winner will be showered with praise! The loser will be taunted and booed until my throat is sore! Kill her, boy! Kill her! Stop him dead, little girl! Kill, Bart! Kill, Bart! Kill, Bart! Kill Bart! Kill Bart! Kill Bart! Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill! Great game, Lis. Great game, Bart. - Tie game?! - What the hell?! This is outrageous. Oh, I've never been so proud of them. They're both losers. Losers! - Rip off! - We paid for blood! Let's tear this place apart! Good idea! Those kids are, like, so sweet. If only they had had Pee Wee hockey when I was a lad. Oh, well.