"it must be rough," he said sympathetically. he draped his arm around me as a sudden gust of wind blew off the water.

"sometimes," i answered. i felt guilty painting such a bleak picture of my life in woodfalls, but no one seemed to realize how hurtful all the remarks about my mom were to me. i learned early on to use dry humor and sarcasm as a shield. "what about you? do you ever wish things were different with your father?"

"sure, all the time when i was younger. especially when i hung out at rob's house, or with some of my other friends. i used to get jealous when i'd see them interacting with their dads, who treated them like they actually mattered. my dad was like a drill sergeant. follow orders or suffer his wrath. it was usually only verbal, at least. me and my brother and sister all learned at a young age to avoid those moments as much as possible. he used to proudly brag that we were all so well behaved because he ran a tight ship. truthfully, it was because he scared the shit out of us. eventually, as i got older, he didn't look nearly as intimidating as he did when i was five and six."

"how did your mom even fall for him? she seems so different."

"they were high school sweethearts. he proposed to her before he joined the army, and they got married after he came home from basic training. mom said she got pregnant right away, but my dad didn't have the best experience in the service. he hated it, becoming bitter and angry. i don't know if leaving him back then was ever a consideration. i think maybe she always hoped he would somehow change back into the man she originally fell for."

"i'm sure she's grateful she has you," i pointed out. "that was a pretty solid thing you did, moving back home."

"see, i told you i was a good guy."

"we shall see."

"man, you're tough, but i'm confident i'll win you over. are you ready to eat yet?"

"sure. there's a great little pizza place not far from here," i answered. "that's if you like pizza," i joked, although i had yet to meet a guy who didn't like pizza.

"this is your day. you call the shots," he declared. "lead the way."

the topics of conversation during dinner were far more lighthearted. we chatted about my job at the daycare and his ideas for the job at the hospital. feeling more comfortable with him than i had the day before, i broached the subject of whether he should charge the hospital for his work. i pointed out they were lucky to have someone with his artistic abilities and he at least deserved some kind of compensation. after he changed the subject to a story about his brother and sister, it became obvious the hospital job was still a subject he wasn't comfortable discussing, so i let it go. instead, he regaled me with stories about travis and hollie when they were younger, and i told him horror stories about working with small children at the daycare.

as the evening progressed, i was finally able to identify what made justin stand out from every other guy i had ever dated. he had a mature way about him and seemed to have a firm grasp on what he wanted out of life. you would never expect it from looking at him, which had been my initial mistake, but he had shown his maturity by confronting his father and stepping in to help take care of his family. since i arrived at college, i seemed to date one of two types of guys: either they were wishy-washy about their futures and wanted to party all the time, or they were so fanatical about their goals that they didn't care who they crushed along the way. justin seemed to be the happy medium. he was laid back and funny, but at the same time he had a seriousness that matched my own.

"i'm not going to beat around the bush here, brittni. like i told you before, i like you," justin said as we were leaving the restaurant. "and i would really like to take you out again."

"by 'like,' do you mean you want to go steady and i need to start drawing hearts with our initials in them?" i teased.

"exactly, and i'm going to get matching t-shirts that say 'i'm with her' and one that says 'he's with me' for you."

"you don't think that's pushing it?" i said.

"hell yeah, it is," he laughed. "so, are you ready to give this whole dating thing a try?"

"do we have to say we're going steady?" i asked, scrunching my nose.

"how about we stick with 'we're dating' instead?"

"dating. i guess i can do that. melissa will be so proud."

"rob too," he said, parking the jeep in an empty lot several blocks from the campus.

i looked at him questioningly as he yanked the emergency brake.

"i figured we should seal it with a kiss, and since i don't relish the idea of kissing you in front of your dorm again with everyone looking, i thought a little privacy was in order."

"hey, can i trust you to be a gentleman?" i asked as he cupped my face with his gloved hands.

"definitely not," he replied before his lips captured mine.

i sighed with satisfaction as his lips slowly moved against mine. his tongue was gentle and naughty at the same time as it coaxed my mouth to open for more. his hands drifted from my face and down my neck as they slowly began to explore my body. the gentleness of his touch ignited a fire inside me and i strained to get closer to him, loathing the gearshift that was proving to be a hindrance. after a few minutes of trying to work around it, we were forced to give up.

"i'm now wondering if this is why my mom was so into the idea of me getting this jeep, because she knew this would be a pain in the ass," justin complained, thumping the long stick with the side of his fist.

"i sense a conspiracy," i said, sliding back into my own seat while i got my breathing under control.

11.

present day

1:37 pm

justin had remained stoically silent since his last outburst. i acted like i didn't care and felt my indifference was well played by the way he would glare at me every few minutes. while he sat contemplating my demise, i played the "if only" game in my head.

if only i hadn't stopped to stare at the building when i first arrived, i might have wound up on a different elevator. if only i'd stayed in the bathroom a few seconds longer, i could have missed the ride in elevator hell all together. if only i had stayed out of seattle, i wouldn't be sitting here playing the damn "if only" game.

eventually i realized the game only made matters worse. it wasn't like i had a time machine and could go back and fix any of this mess. justin was still avoiding my eyes, so i took my time studying him. two years ago, he was already pretty much a man, but i noticed subtle changes that showed he had completely outgrown boyhood. his shoulders seemed wider and his face looked leaner and more defined. everything else about him was the same. like the way he ran his hand over his scruff-covered face when he was frustrated or trying to make a point. i was sad the eyebrow ring was gone, but truthfully, its absence only enhanced his looks. with it gone, you were able to appreciate the golden specks in his brown eyes without interruption. my eyes moved from his face, down his arms, and to his hands. his hands were my favorite thing about him. they were large with rough calluses like a man's hands should be but gentle enough to create beautiful works of art. the idea that he was so creative always enchanted me.

i forced myself to pull my eyes away from him. it was almost painful to remember how those hands had felt on me.

12.

november 2010

"don't be silly. of course you'll join us for dinner," trish, justin's mom, chastised as she hustled around the kitchen, putting the finishing touches on the pasta feast she'd been preparing all day.

"thanksgiving is a family holiday, mrs. avery. it would be tacky if i showed up," i countered, ignoring the smirk justin was throwing my way.

"trish," she reminded me.

"fine. trish, it's not necessary for you to feel obligated to invite me to a holiday dinner because a certain manipulator strong-armed you into it," i said, glaring at justin.

"as if that lightweight could strong-arm anyone," hollie, justin's precocious ten-year-old sister piped in from her perch at the counter, where she was shredding lettuce for our salad.

"who you calling lightweight, short stuff?" justin demanded, pointing the knife he was using to dice tomatoes.

"don't point that thing at your sister," trish admonished, handing me a cucumber to slice. "and, sweetie, hollie is right. justin didn't tell me to invite you. we all want you here."

"it just seems fast," i replied. "justin and i have only been dating for a couple of weeks," i reminded them. i refrained from mentioning that the last few weeks had been the best weeks of my life. once i'd let my guard down and agreed to let my misgivings about him go, i quickly realized justin was different from any other guy i had ever dated. we traded the traditional dates of dinner and a movie for more walks around puget sound and afternoons strolling through the seattle art museum. justin was an attentive date and made sure that he never dominated the conversation. girls still checked him out wherever we went, but i was able to ignore it. he never returned the attention and instead focused solely on me. it was a heady experience to be treated with such devotion. any ideas i might have entertained at keeping it casual were long gone. he was becoming like a drug i couldn't get enough of.

"two weeks? that's like a year by justin's standards," hollie giggled, ducking as justin reached over to mess up her hair.

"don't think brittni's track record is any more pristine. she goes through guys like most girls go through hair products."

"wow, what a way to throw me under the bus," i griped.

"it's every man and woman for themselves," he teased, dropping a kiss on my lips, despite the fact that his mom and sister were looking on. i flushed, still not used to such open affection in front of others.

"say you'll come," hollie begged, pushing the serving bowl of lettuce toward me so i could add my sliced cucumbers to the salad. "please," she added with wide eyes.

i contemplated my options. i could stick to my plan of eating a frozen meal in my dorm room, or i could have a real meal. it seemed like a no-brainer. i just wasn't sure it was a smart no-brainer. "okay, i'll come," i caved as the three of them beamed at me.

"well played, kid," justin said, reaching into his wallet and extracting a five-dollar bill. "i think the puppy-dog eyes sealed the deal."

"i figured those would work. did you like how they were even watering a little? i was pinching my hand for that effect. i should charge you extra," hollie said, grinning at me as she shoved the five-dollar bill into the back pocket of her jeans.

"you bribed your sister to talk me into coming over?" i sputtered out, glaring at the guilty duo that had just played me.

"just covering my bases," he answered, dragging me from the counter and leading me toward his small but functional apartment in the basement.

"dinner will be ready in twenty," trish called as justin closed the basement door behind us.

"your mom's going to think we're coming down here to make out," i commented as i sat on the small leather sofa in the living room of the basement. i'd been down in his apartment one other time, but hollie had been excitedly chattering away at my side as she gave me the tour. justin's bedroom was at the far end of the large space. the bathroom was beside it and could be accessed through the bedroom or the large living room. a full-size kitchen sat at the other end of the living room with an island that separated the two spaces. justin had confessed to me that he had yet to use the kitchen. he felt guilty about it, but the kitchen had been his mom's idea. she had told him when he moved back home that he deserved his own space. my favorite part about his mock apartment was the door that led outside. it wasn't like i planned on sneaking in or out, but having a separate entrance offered up a small measure of privacy.

"if she's going to think we're down here doing something, then why hide it?" justin said, pulling me to my feet. he wrapped his arms around me and lowered his mouth to my neck.

"it doesn't make you uncomfortable that she knows what we're doing?" i asked. it came out as more of a sigh as his lips found the sensitive skin behind my right earlobe.

"we're both adults and she respects that. i'm just glad we're alone," he said, trailing his lips over my cheek until they settled fully on my own lips. i whimpered with pleasure as his tongue parted my lips. i had made the startling realization on our second date that i was a fan of kissing him. i mean, i absolutely loved kissing him. it had become my favorite pastime, making me feel like a crazed hormone-driven teenager.

justin eased us toward the full-sized sofa, never taking his lips from mine. i felt the sofa against the back of my knees and smiled as he slowly lowered me to the cushions below. i pulled him down with me so that his body was flush against mine. with only twenty minutes until his sister came barreling down the stairs to get us for dinner, we were playing with fire. over the last two weeks, we'd had our share of heavy make-out sessions in his jeep, but that was as far as we'd taken things. the couch, unlike the jeep, had no obstacles, allowing me to feel every inch of him against me. i enjoyed his weight on top of me and i couldn't help shifting beneath him as he deepened the kiss. he groaned against my lips as our bodies settled fully together. feeling powerful from the effect i was having on him, i shifted again, grinding my hips against his. fire spread through me as his body reacted to my movement.

the sound of hollie calling our names only seconds before she clamored down the stairs had us springing apart like two guilty teenagers. justin was busy hiding the sudden bulge in his jeans, while i pulled down my shirt that had somehow crept all the way up to my neck.

"what are you two doing?" hollie asked, bouncing onto the couch between us.

"uh, watching tv?" justin answered, reaching for a throw pillow and setting it on his lap. i chuckled at the look on his face.

"how can you watch tv when it's not on?" hollie asked. "i think you were watching kissing 101," she added, smirking at us.

"you do, do you?" justin asked, ruffling her hair. "you're too smart for your own good. now beat it, squirt. tell mom we're on our way."

"fine, but hurry. i want brittni to sit by me at dinner," she said. "hey, mom, they said they'll be up as soon as they finish making out," she called prior to racing up the stairs before justin could hit her with a pillow.