"sorry to disappoint you, but i don't fuck the same girl twice. not really my style." in desperation, i went for my worst asshole tone of voice.

"we'll see," she said smugly before heading out my door and closing it behind her.

i tore the sheets from my bed and threw them in the corner, half tempted to light the damn things on fire. i opened the window as far as it would go, trying to air out the sick smell of sex from my room. images of my idiocy replayed in my mind and i wished i could reach through my head and rip them from my skull.

i walked down the hall to turn the shower on, my reflection in the mirror forcing me to stop short. i turned to face myself, my bloodshot brown eyes staring back at me. i balled my hand into a fist and lunged toward the mirror, stopping just short of striking it.

you idiot! you pitched a perfect game last night. a perfect game in baseball. and then you almost took your perfect relationship and flushed it down the toilet. this is your future, you asshole. don't ever be that careless with your future again.

sixteen

cassie

the last few weeks of summer flew by as the fall semester approached. the magazine extended my internship and i convinced my mom to let me keep the car, promising that i wouldn't use it to do anything crazy other than drive back and forth to the magazine offices. she was reluctant at first, but when i screamed that she was ruining my life, she relented. i'd have to use that tactic more often.

jack would be home shortly, depending on if his team made playoffs or not. i'd fallen into a comfortable routine of working and reading while he'd been away, surpassing my self-imposed goal of getting through twenty books in the summer. the opportunist was my twenty-fifth and i was completely engrossed in the story, wishing the main character's mental anguish on no one...except maybe the sorority girls who enjoyed making my life hell.

i walked through the door of our apartment and shouted melissa's name. no response. i tossed my purse and car keys onto the counter before opening up the refrigerator door and grabbing a bottle of water. my cell phone rang, blaring jack's song, and i sprinted to reach for it.

"hey!" i answered with a smile in my voice.

"hey, kitten." the flat tone of his voice caused unease to spread in my empty stomach.

"what's wrong? are you okay?" i asked, unprepared for what came next.

"i fucked up, cassie." he swallowed hard.

"what are you talking about? are you okay?" my stomach twisted as the ominous sound of his words settled in.

"i have to tell you something." his voice was so unnatural, it hardly sounded like jack.

my body slid down onto the cold kitchen floor as i fought against the bile threatening to rise up into my throat. "i'm listening," was all i managed to get out.

"oh god. okay." he took a quick breath. "remember the night a few weeks ago..." he paused, "the night i pitched my perfect game?"

"yeah," i responded, my lips barely moving.

"remember when i called really early and woke you up?"

"uh-huh." my chest tightened and my stomach heaved.

"i kept saying no, cassie. i swear. i told her no at least a hundred times," he rambled, not really making any sense. "i was mean as hell to her, but she didn't care."

"what happened, jack?" i couldn't stop the shaking in my voice.

"she was just so fucking god damned persistent. she wouldn't take no for an answer and i was really fucked up."

"what did you do?" my tone was harsh, the tears already welling in my eyes.

"i called you that morning because i made a mistake and i wanted to tell you. i wanted to be honest with you, but then i heard your voice and i couldn't do it. i knew i'd lose you and i wouldn't lose you for some girl who meant nothing." his voice trailed off into a whisper.

"what are you saying?" i demanded.

"i told you i'd fuck screw up, kitten. i ruin things," he whispered.

"no. you don't get to do that. tell me what you did!"

"i slept with someone. i'm so sorry. it didn't mean anything. i made a mistake. i just wanted it all to go away. i wanted her to go away."

my world spun around me at breakneck speed as my heart literally felt like it was shattering inside my chest.

"cassie? say something," he begged.

"how could you? why?" i shrieked through my sobs.

"there's more."

"more?" i froze. my head whirled, unsure of his meaning.

"fuck." he breathed hard and i remained silent for a full minute before he finally continued. "she's pregnant."

he said it so low, my ears barely registered the sounds. but my shattered heart not only heard the words, it digested them, processed them, and promptly left the spot in my chest where it used to reside and fell to the ground at my feet and turned to dust.

"are you there, kitten?"

"don't ever call me that again," i whispered through my pain.

he breathed loudly into the phone. "i don't know what to do."

"well, i'm not going to tell you what to do." bitterness and resentment swept over me and carried over into my voice. as much as jack hadn't sounded like himself earlier, i knew i didn't sound like myself now either.

"i knew i'd fuck up, but i never meant for this to happen."

" you don't get to do that. no. you don't get to blame this on anything other than your own inability to keep your dick in your pants. you got drunk. you brought another girl home with you and you slept with her. i deserve better than that." i ranted at him loudly, my voice catching.

"you're absolutely right. you do," he agreed without argument.

"yeah, well it was supposed to be you, jack, because you are better than that." i was frozen in place, vibrating in shock as my future crashed around me.

"i'm scared."

it took everything in me to put my pride, feelings, and emotions aside and not hang up the phone. i didn't want to care that he was scared. i didn't want to care about anything other than my own breaking heart.

but i couldn't ignore his pain.

"what is she going to do?" i asked first, before the obvious tore through my mind like a tornado. "how did you get her pregnant?" he huffed out a quick breath. "i know how you got her pregnant, but, tell me you didn't, jack. tell me you didn't sleep with her without protection."

if i thought my heart couldn't break any more, i was wrong. because that realization sent earthquake-sized cracks shooting through me with such ferocity, i thought i might pass out.

"i was really drunk that night, cassie. and i don't keep condoms anymore," he said weakly in his own defense.

i didn't respond. i couldn't. the pain of this was too much. everything hurt so bad...even breathing. it was all a reminder that i was still alive and this nightmare was really happening.

"she wants to keep it, cass. she wants to have the baby."

"and what do you want?" i asked sharply.

i heard him inhale before blowing the air out long and slow. "i don't know." i could picture him in my mind. he was probably shaking his head, his brow furrowed. "i mean, i just want to play baseball. i'm not ready to be a dad. especially not with this chick. but then again, i don't want to be the kind of dad that my father was. you know, absent. i'm all mixed up inside and i don't know what the right thing is."

i couldn't take it anymore. i couldn't listen to him talk about having a baby with another girl while i was so fiercely in love with him. "jack, i can't be the one you talk to about this. i have to go."

i didn't wait for his response.

i couldn't.

i knew that if i waited for him to answer me, he'd change my mind. i'd stay on the phone with him for as long as he needed me to. and i couldn't be that for him. not right now. not with this.

i turned my phone off and stared blankly ahead, my thoughts all-consuming. i pictured him saying things to this girl that he said to me. kissing her the way he kissed me. touching her the way he touched me. the thoughts made my stomach churn as tears ran unchecked down my face.

my throat burned and i sprinted to the bathroom, losing today's lunch in the white bowl. i leaned against the bathtub, wiping beads of cold sweat from my forehead with the back of my hand. made-up images crept into my subconscious, threatening to make me sick again unless i forced them away. i curled up into a ball on the shaggy bath mat and cried.

i never realized until the moment it disappeared how much i truly trusted jack. it took seconds to annihilate the foundation we'd worked so hard to build. in its place were piles of powder, jagged bits of concrete, and shards of my broken heart.

the front door slammed and i heard melissa shout my name. when i didn't respond, she wandered through the apartment looking for me. her brown curls fell against the wall as she peered around the bathroom door. her eyes widened once she caught sight of me.

"cass? are you okay?" the sound of her voice prompted more tears to fall. "oh my god, what is it? what happened?"

i tried to focus, but melissa turned into a big blur of brown through my watering eyes. "jack cheated on me."

"what? when? i'll fucking kill him."

"the night he threw his perfect game. he said he got really drunk and this girl was really persistent and he gave in." i could barely say the words out loud. "why would he give in?"

"'cause he's an asshole. and he's stupid. he's a stupid asshole." melissa's eyes welled up.

"she's pregnant."

"who's pregnant?" she asked before releasing one of those surprised and horrifying gasps that just slip out uncontrollably. "you're kidding?"

"i wish." i grabbed my stomach as it cramped once more.

"i'm so sorry, cassie. i can't believe this is happening." melissa kneeled down and wrapped her arms around me, her warmth penetrating my chilled body. "are you going to be okay?"

"eventually. just not right now."

"does dean know?" she leaned her head against mine.

"i have no idea."

"come on, get up." melissa stood and linked her arms with mine.

i shuddered. "i'm afraid to move too far away from the toilet."

"i'll grab you a trash can. you need to lie down." she carried the brunt of my weight on her tiny frame, practically falling with me once we reached my bed.

i crawled on top of my dark blue comforter and plopped my head on the pillow, jack's voice replaying in my mind. "what if i can't sleep?"

"if you can't sleep, we'll figure it out. i bet you're more exhausted than you realize. you've had a traumatic day," she said, her fingers brushing against my hair.