and how did he know ellie was such a great mother? he didn't know how he knew, but he was sure. it was something about the way she touched the children and talked to them. they craved safety and comfort in her arms and she enfolded them so bravely, so selflessly. their need for her, their love, it was unmistakable in their voices, on their faces. anyone who stayed awake all night to watch them sleep, to hold them because it would be so long before she could do so again...oh, god help him, he didn't care if she did lap dances to keep them as well as she could. at least it mattered to her that they be safe and well fed.

and then something occurred to him. "ellie, can i ask you a very personal question?" he asked.

"knock yourself out," she said. "it's not like i have anything private left. i've told you pretty much everything."

still, it took him a moment. "your job. your dancing job. did you like it?"

she looked across the front seat at him while he kept his eyes focused on the road. "yeah," she said. "it was an okay job." then she took a breath and decided to cut him some slack. "okay, it wasn't the taking-off-your clothes part i was crazy about. that's something you do in private for a husband or lover. i was doing it for money, and getting leered at by strange men doesn't turn me on. in fact, if you don't fight it real hard, it can be humiliating.

"but there was stuff to like," she went on. "first of all, there were some real nice girls there. they weren't all great-some were a pain in the butt. but i got kind of close to a couple of girls, and i liked the bouncer and his wife, and the owner. the owner is a good guy, always watching out for everyone. he kept a clean club, he didn't want a big hassle from the cops, so it was drug-free. if he caught anyone using or turning tricks on the side, they were gone. and the customers were careful because clint, the bouncer, was a bulldog. all i had to do was wiggle around a lot and get down to a thong. and for that, i had money, protection and friends. to a girl like me-that's living large."

a girl like me? "how long did you work there?"

"not quite three months. and before you ask, it's the only job like that i ever had. i did secretary work, waitressed, cleaned houses and offices, worked nights at the convenience store, worked on a shipping dock at a big retailer's for a while. but that club job paid the best and the hours were good for a mother. and get this-it came with benefits. i hated letting go of the benefits."

"but didn't you ever have to do things you didn't like?"

"i didn't like taking my clothes off," she stressed. "but, that was the job and i needed that job."

"what about things like, you know, lap dances?" he asked.

"oh, my goodness, your reverence! you know about lap dances?"

"don't screw with me," he said. "it wasn't easy to ask..."

"isn't screw a swearword?" she taunted.

"it's on the cusp. so?"

it was her turn to be quiet for a second. "you really want to know?"

he turned and met her eyes briefly. "if you don't mind telling me, i'd like to know how it affected you. that's all."

"well, noah, it was like this," she said. he'd already learned that when she called him by his name, she was about to be both serious and candid. "that was also part of the job. i didn't take off the thong and they weren't allowed to put hands on me, but it was awful. i hated it. that's another thing you do for a husband or lover, a man you've given your heart and commitment to, not for a paying customer. so what i had to do was turn off my brain. send my mind to another place. i learned to think about jets and ocean liners and hot-air balloons rather than what i was doing. and when it was over, i totally forgot about it. i scrubbed the details from my mind-the face, the smile, the smell of him, everything. and i never remember again. i do not ever once think about a lap dance."

he didn't say anything.

"anything else about my life there that you want to know?"

"why jets and ocean liners and hot-air balloons?"

"because i've never been anywhere. i've never been on a trip. i've never been high up, except in a building or on a bridge. i've never traveled or had adventures. whenever i'm in a bad place, i take a little trip in my head. my gramma used to say, 'you don't need a lot of money to live a full life-all you need is a fertile mind, some books and a good attitude. books are free at the library, but a fertile mind takes practice.'"

he chuckled. "ellie, your grandmother must have been incredible. i wish i could've met her."

she sighed. "she totally rocked. i miss her so much sometimes." she swallowed. "seems unfair sometimes. jason...my gramma...two people i loved so much are already gone."

noah did an uncharacteristic thing. he reached across the front seat and grabbed her hand, giving it a squeeze. because he understood that.

noah had several appointments the following week. one was sheer fun-meeting with shelby macintyre and luke riordan to discuss their wedding. the second meeting was a bigger challenge for him. paul and vanessa needed some counseling while they tried to make a decision about hannah. and the third meeting was a coffee date with a nurse named gloria. he'd been putting off that last one as long as he could.

when noah met with shelby and luke, he felt as if the smile was permanently frozen on his face, they were so delightful. one look told him they weren't a perfect match; luke was considerably older than shelby and their personalities were very different. two minutes with them proved his first impression wrong.

"the most important thing about this wedding is luke's family," shelby said. "my family is already here. they're not going anywhere. but luke's mother is a widow who's been waiting forever for her boys to settle down, and two of luke's four brothers have been serving in the middle east. there's a weekend in early october when we can get everyone together. if the church is going to be ready, we'd like to do it here, where we're going to make our home. and then we'll have a fancy catered dinner in a big tent in uncle walt's pasture beside the river, at the foot of the mountains. it sounds casual, but dinner will be served on china, there will be flowers everywhere and a wooden floor for dancing. i was for something small, but vanni wants the wedding to be spectacular."

"i think your cousin's husband, paul, and i can provide the church," noah said.

"there will have to be a priest, as well. i'm not going to become a catholic, but luke's whole family is catholic, and it's important to his mother."

"that's very doable," noah said. "i've done it before. an ecumenical marriage ceremony. the priest and i will share the honor of uniting you."

"perfect," shelby said.

"it sounds wonderful," noah said. "want to talk about your vows?"

"we talked about making up our own, but we're kind of stuck. turns out we're not so good at that."

noah laughed. "but i am. so, i take this to mean you don't want the customary vows, but something unique. and you're having trouble getting there?"

"that's it exactly!" shelby said.

"i'm okay with any vows," luke said. "just get it done. i'm ready for shelby to get off the pill."

"luke!" she admonished.

noah laughed again. "i guess you'll want a cheap baptism next?"

"i'm thinking nine months from the wedding," luke said. "shelby's just starting nursing college. she has summers off. we should have our first in summer, if possible. could be a push. we'll have to get rolling on that."

shelby peered at luke. "our first?" she asked. "a few months ago you were never getting married and now you're having more than one child?"

"you can have input on the number," he said. "but now that you've talked me into this, i'm in no mood to wait. and it will make my mother happy if we get going on it."

shelby looked at noah. "i guess we'd better make it a quick ceremony, noah," she said. "my services are being requested."

"absolutely," he said with a happy laugh. "quick, unique and legal. does that sum it up?"

"sure," she said. "when you come up with something, can we talk about it? i don't want to commit to anything that you think is totally hot and i think is really sappy."

"you got it. i'll get right to work on it. i have two church offices to paint. i come up with great ideas while i paint."

noah's meeting with vanessa and paul at their home presented more of a challenge. he had requested that the children be included even though they wouldn't understand any of the dialogue. even if they were napping, that was all right. he wanted to meet with the couple while the little ones were close at hand and on their minds, rather than removed from the home.

when he arrived, he shook paul's hand and hugged vanni. he met hannah and mattie, who were together in a playpen in the great room. he remarked on what beautiful children they were. it immediately struck noah that they seemed to have such great rapport for babies who had only just met, rolling around and giggling, cooing and laughing at each other, mattie pushing toys on hannah, and hannah knocking him down with hugs.

"look at them," noah said. "you'd think they were brother and sister. they even look alike."

"mattie has his father's dark hair and eyes," vanni said.

paul glanced at noah. "and hannah has her mother's."

"wow," noah said. "how amazing is that? they're getting along so well. how are you two getting along?"

they seemed to look at each other cautiously. "we're struggling," paul said. "this is very hard for vanni. two small children are a lot of work."

"is it also very hard for you?" noah asked paul.

"very. hard." his elbows rested on his knees, hands clasped, and he looked down. the man was worried sick.

"can i hear about your struggle first? if that's okay with vanni."

"it's okay," she said. "but if paul's honest, he'll tell you his struggle is with me."

noah shifted gears. "go ahead, vanni. talk to me."

"i butted in," she said a bit regretfully.

noah chuckled. "gimme a break here-i'm very good at this. everyone is going to get a fair chance. hit me-tell me what your biggest burden is. then we'll get to paul's."

she took a breath. "i resent it. and because i resent it, i haven't bonded with hannah. and there's no reason not to-she's perfect. she's sweet and easy and delightful."

"describe the resentment."

"how and why does this woman i've never met give me her child to raise? she might have named paul in her will, but i've never met her. and it's not paul who's going to take care of hannah. at least not most of the time."

"but that's part of the problem, according to what i understand," noah said. "she didn't ask."

"she's dead, vanni," paul said. "doesn't she get a pass?"

"and what are you going to tell hannah, paul?" vanni asked. "that you slept with her mother but didn't love her? and she's not yours but her own father didn't want her?"

there was silence while paul and vanni stared at each other. noah cleared his throat. "honestly, i don't think hannah's going to care who paul slept with. i don't think she's going to care who you slept with, either, vanni. since you never met hannah's mother, she's going to want to know from paul what he remembers about her. paul will probably remember some nice things. won't you, paul?"