hugs,

sophia

caleb searched the rest of the messages, but didn't find any dated after livvie's email. apparently, nicole had moved on, and livvie had let her. perhaps, caleb thought, he should do the same with livvie, but his heart had been claimed. he needed to know if she still loved him, or if he'd been right and everything she had felt for him had been based on her need to survive.

he'd agonized over whether or not he should seek her out. he knew her answer could destroy him, but he needed to know. he needed to know if she suffered without him, as much as he suffered without her. if she loved him, he wanted to spend the rest of his life trying to be worthy of her. if she didn't, he could at least take solace in knowing he'd made the right decision in setting her free.

caleb looked at the girl sitting outside the cafe. did he even know her anymore? could she sense her life as she knew it hanging precariously in the balance? could she feel his eyes on her? did she have a sixth sense for monsters? the thought made him sad.

he'd been here before. he'd done this, before. he shouldn't be watching her. he shouldn't be contemplating thrusting himself back into her life. he still had work to do, women to free from the slavery he had subjected them to live through.

he looked at the girl one last time.

i love you, livvie.

he put the key in the ignition and drove away.

day 392: madrid, spain

it's just a feeling, but i've been having it for a while. someone's been watching me. i've been in touch with reed and he's dutifully put out some feelers to find out if i might be in danger. he's supposed to meet me in a few days, under the guise of following a counterfeiting case. in the meantime, he wants me to behave normally. he doesn't want whoever's following me to know i'm on to them.

reed says he's heard reports of someone targeting rafiq's known associates. rafiq has been missing for over a year and his government is none too happy about it. they think the fbi has something to do with his disappearance. of course, they can't prove it. reed doesn't seem too bent out of shape about it though. the culprit is apparently some sort of vigilante. he's freed eighteen women from sexual slavery.

when i first heard the news, i immediately thought it might be caleb and my heart felt like someone had squeezed it in their fist. reed didn't say it, but i thought he might suspect it was caleb, too. it was in the way he asked me if i had any idea who might be responsible, or if anyone had been in touch with me.

"james cole is dead," i had whispered.

"yes," reed replied, "i hope he has enough sense to stay that way."

i want to agree with reed, but in my heart, i know what i really want. i want it to be caleb. i want to know he's alive. i want to know he's out there trying to correct some of his mistakes. more than anything, i want to see caleb again.

i'd contemplated killing myself early on, but then i'd hear caleb's voice in my ear, telling me to survive, that it was the coward's way out. so, i'd taken the money caleb had left for me and decided to see the parts of the world i'd heard so much about and thought i'd never lay eyes on.

the last year has been a whirlwind. i've lost so much and only now have i started to get some of it back. to date, i've seen four of the seven wonders, and i have plans to see the pyramids before the year is out. i have a job, working as a waitress at an applebee's of all places. who comes to barcelona to eat at an applebee's? i don't care though, it's work and it pays for my classes at european university barcelona, where i'm studying creative writing.

i don't like to rely on caleb's money, so i have a financial advisor who invests it for me and looks after my affairs. each month, i receive a generous stipend to supplement my income from working as a waitress.

things were really hard at first, but it continues to get easier if i take my life and break it up into small increments. i wake up, take a shower, brush my teeth, get dressed, and go to work. i meet people and i've even managed to make some friends. i met claudia and rubio in line for a screening of the rocky horror picture show. claudia had been dressed as colombia, and her boyfriend as riff raff. i didn't dress up.

they're great friends. they don't ask me questions about my past and i don't offer any information. mostly, we like to hang out after work and drink pitchers of sangria outside el gallo negro. they serve the best chicken/seafood paella i've found anywhere. after we get good and sauced, we usually go see the latest movie or go back to my place and play rock band on my playstation.

my friends may not ask about my past, but they're always interested in my present and future. they often try to set me up with their other friends, but i firmly resist. it isn't that i don't want a boyfriend, i do, but i'm not ready.

caleb still fills my dreams and stars in each and every one of my fantasies. i still have the picture reed gave me, and so, i can still imagine his face with perfect clarity as i touch myself. sometimes soft and slow, reaching for climax like one stretches after a good nap. sometimes, i like it fast and rough. i pinch my ni**les hard and rub my clit while i push my fingers deep inside my pu**y and play caleb's words in my head.

"is that good, pet?" he asks.

"yes, caleb," i answer.

i never mention caleb to claudia or rubio. my memories and fantasies are my own business, but i think claudia can tell whenever i miss caleb. she smiles and reaches for my hand. she reminds me i don't have to be lonely.

i've been thinking about caleb more frequently in recent months. ever since i thought i felt his eyes on me one day outside of a cafe in germany. i'd been sitting outside, typing on my laptop. then again, i'd been writing about him.

i've been writing our story for over a year, every detail i can remember. i know i'm not supposed to talk about what happened with the public, but it's occurred to me how many people want to hear my story. why shouldn't i be able to tell it? i'm not a complete idiot. i've changed all the names and locations. i've decided to market the book as fiction. and of course, i have a pseudonym. the important thing for me is people read it and perhaps understand why i'm still in love with the man who kept me prisoner.

i know all about james cole. reed can be a dick, but his heart is usually in the right place. he told me as much as he could. i've deduced the rest. at first, i felt gutted by everything i had learned. i had called caleb a monster, but he'd only been doing the things he'd been taught to do.

i often think about the day he'd walked into the room, covered in dirt, smeared with blood, and devastated by whatever he'd done to get that way. there wasn't a doubt in my mind he'd killed rafiq. i just wish he'd known his tears had been wasted. i wonder if the reason caleb pushed me away was because he felt guilty over what he'd done to rafiq to save me. perhaps, if he'd known what a true monster rafiq was, he'd have taken me with him instead of throwing me out of his life. then again, maybe not.

"you have that 'lost in space' look again," claudia says as she takes the seat opposite me at our table. "one day you're going to have to tell me what that's about. i know it has to be a boy." she moves her eyebrows up and down.

i smile at her, "you're late. where's rubio?"

"he ran into his friend, sebastian. i think they'll be here in a bit."

"claudia," i groan, "how many times do i have to tell you? i'm not interested in a hook up."

"it's not! i swear, it was a total accident. we were on our way here and they ran into each other." she quickly pours herself a glass of sangria and starts sipping. she's a terrible liar. "besides, he's gorgeous. he's a student at eub and he wants to be an artist. he's good too, rubi and i saw some of his paintings."

"i have to go," i say and start gathering my things. i am definitely not in the mood to deal with another 'accidental' blind date.

claudia rolls her eyes and tugs me back down into my seat. "don't be rude, sophia. rubi wouldn't set you up with a troll. come on, stay for one pitcher."

"so, it is a set up then!" i scowl at claudia and she doesn't even blush.

"yes, okay, you got us. we're terrible friends for wanting to see you happy." she tosses her hands in air sarcastically.

"i am happy, claudia. i'd be a lot happier if you guys would stop setting me up." i cross my arms over my chest, but i know i can't stay angry.

"excuse me, sophia," interrupts the waiter. his name is marco and he knows our little group pretty well. he's asked me out a couple of times, but i always say no.

"what's up, polo?" i say with a smile. he hates his nickname.

"very funny. somebody asked me to give you this," he says and hands me a piece of paper.

"ooooh, a secret admirer!" claudia says. both marco and i blush, but only marco has the luxury of walking away from an awkward situation.

"you're a jerk, you know that?" i say to claudia, but she just smiles.