"how was she?" i asked, not knowing if i really wanted to know the answer.

denny looked at me sympathetically before he responded. "she was a total mess, connor. how did you think she was going to be?" i shook my head and stepped on the elevator. i rubbed my forehead as the doors shut, and denny stood there looking at me.

"i thought you were on a road trip to michigan?" dr. peters asked as i walked into his office.

"let's just say that the trip got cut short," i replied as i stood in front of his large office window.

"judging by the way you look and the way you're talking, something bad must've happened. sit down, and let's talk about it."

"i don't want to sit down; i'm fine standing here." i took in a deep breath, "ellery dropped a bomb on me."

"continue," he said.

"she has cancer, and she's known about it before we even met. she didn't tell me, and she's refusing to get treatment, so she's just going to let herself die and to hell with everyone and anyone who loves her."

"what did you do when you found out?" he asked.

i turned around and looked at him. "i yelled and said some really nasty things to her, then stormed out. i put her on plane back here while i drove back alone. there was no way i could be alone with her in a car for 10 hours."

"i can understand that. just a few days ago you told me you were just friends taking a simple road trip. did you sleep with her?"

i walked over to the chair across from him and sat down. "yes, we slept together, and i wish we wouldn't have because it wouldn't be this hard."

"it wouldn't have mattered if you slept with her or not. you're in love with this woman, and don't you dare try to deny it," he said as he pointed his finger at me.

"you're right; i'm in love with her. i gave myself to her after i promised i would never give myself emotionally to any woman, and she took what i gave her, then ripped it to pieces. how do i ever get over the fact that she lied and hid a huge secret from me?"

i got up from the chair because the more i thought and talked about it, the angrier i became. "i told her about amanda and everything that happened. i told her about how i use women for sex and then throw them away."

he took off his glasses and looked at me. "was that before or after you slept with her?"

"before i slept with her; why the hell does it matter when i told her?"

"you told ellery what kind of man you are, and you warned her. you told her about your past, which you've never shared with anyone besides me, and she still wanted you. she obviously loved you enough and saw something inside you to continue the relationship."

"damn it, dr. peters. this is different; i'm not dying!" i snapped.

"i'm not defending what she did was right, connor. she should have told you from the beginning about her illness, but she had her reasons; just like you had your reasons for keeping quiet about your past. please tell me you told her about ashlyn."

i started to pace back and forth across the room. "no, i didn't tell her about ashlyn. she kept asking me, but i kept putting it off. i wasn't ready to tell her yet."

"interesting," dr. peters said as he rubbed his chin. "you weren't ready to tell her about ashlyn, and she wasn't ready to tell you about her illness. you two have some serious issues to work out."

"we have nothing to work out. we're not together anymore. i just want the pain to stop so i can move on with my life."

"pain is a part of loving someone, and it's something that just doesn't go away. i don't believe you've given up on her. i know her secret hurt you, and i know you're in a lot of pain, but i think the two of you can work through this. my professional opinion is that you and ellery need each other in more ways than one. this is the first girl since amanda that you've let into your life. have you stopped to ask yourself why that is? why ellery lane? of all the women you've seen and been with over the past 12 years, you chose her. you saw something rare and special in her, and you couldn't stay away. her keeping this secret from you is a big deal, and i'm not condoning it, but i wouldn't let it completely ruin you. take some time to think about it. your emotions will go through different stages. right now, you're hurting pretty bad, next, you'll be angry, but that's ok. be angry, connor, because you'll never begin to heal if you're not. just don't let it cloud your judgment or consume you."

he walked over to me and put his hand on my shoulder. "you'll be ok. time heals all wounds, and you need to give it time."

i nodded my head and walked out of his office. he was right; i needed time to think, but my head was so clouded that i didn't want to think about anything besides going to a bar and drinking my troubles away. i looked at my watch, and it was only 2:00 pm.

i headed back to the penthouse and grabbed my gym bag. as i was heading towards the door, claire walked in.

"connor? i didn't expect you back for a few more days," she said.

"there was a change of plans, claire," i said as i stepped in the elevator.

"do you want me to cook for you tonight?!" she yelled from across the hall.

"no, i'm dining out tonight," i said as the elevator doors shut.

the gym was crowded more than usual today. i changed into my workout clothes, put my ipod on, and jumped on the treadmill. the treadmill i was on was facing the window that looked out onto the streets of new york city. guns n' roses was playing on my ipod as i ran fast. i was doing ok until their song 'november rain' began to play. i should have played the next song, but i couldn't bring myself to turn it off. the lyrics reminded me of ellery and our situation. i needed to keep it together for f**k sake; i'm in a public place. as i was running and staring at the crowds of people walking down the street, i saw her. she stopped in front of the window and pulled out her phone from her purse. she looked like i did, broken and pained. she was still beautiful, and it hurt to see her. she started walking down the street again, and i wanted to run after her, but i couldn't. i needed space and time, and so did she.

i wanted to do some laps around the pool by myself, so i paid the manager a great deal of money to close the pool for a couple of hours. i did a few laps and sat in the water while i tried to catch my breath. i loved to swim. the water was a place of escape for me. i felt like i could put myself in a different place when i was in the water. the last time i played with collin was in the water at the beach. that was one week before he died. i think about him almost every day. i sit and wonder what it would be like if we ran black enterprises together. i know my life would be different with him around. when i was down or got in trouble for something, he'd always say, "chin up, connor.

tomorrow's another day." i didn't think about it that night i was with ellery at the beach, but being near the water made me feel closer to collin because it was the one thing he loved so much. i decided to do just one last lap around the pool as it was almost time to meet denny for dinner.

chapter 15

denny was already sitting at the table, waiting for me when i arrived at the restaurant. i sat down as the waitress came over and smiled at me.

"may i get you something to drink?" she smiled as she tilted her head.

"i'll have a double scotch." i said without as much as a grin.

denny was glancing over the menu when he said, "a double scotch, huh?"

i picked up the menu from the table and opened it. "it's not like it's too early or anything."

"i didn't mean anything by it, connor," he said.

"i know you didn't, denny," i said still looking down at the menu.

"do you want to talk about what happened?" denny asked as he closed his menu.

the waitress came over and set down my double scotch in front of me. denny and i ordered our meals, then she took our menus and walked away. "not really," i answered as i took a sip.

"she loves you, connor, and i've known you long enough to know that you're in love with her as well."

i picked up my glass and lightly swirled the liquid around. "if she truly loved me, she would have told me that she was sick."

"and if you truly loved her, you would have told her about ashlyn, because i damn well know that you haven't."

i sighed as i took another drink. "you sound like my therapist. i saw ellery today," i said as i looked up at him. "i was on the treadmill at the gym, and she stopped in front of the window."

"did she see you?"

"no, she stopped to pull out her phone to look at it. she looked frail and sad."

"of course she did, connor. she loves you, but you walked out on her. you left her all alone in a hotel room in michigan," he spat.

i leaned across the table. "i know what i did, and i regret it. i was in shock and very angry by what i had just found out. the only thing i saw was my future dying, and i couldn't deal with it, so i left. do you think it was easy for me just to leave her there? do you know how many times i almost turned around to get her?"

"i understand how hurt you are, but it's time to be a man, connor, because she needs you.

regardless of what she did or didn't do, she's sick, and she's alone," denny spoke.

"i know that, but i need time as well. i'm not that much of a heartless bastard."

"that has yet to be decided," denny smiled.

i glared at him as we ate dinner and continued to talk about ellery. i looked at him seriously as i needed him to do something for me.

"i need you to keep an eye on ellery for me. i want you to follow her and report back everything you find out."

"connor, that's just not right," he said.

"if you don't do it, then i'll hire someone else. i trust you, denny. i know she means something to you, and i know you're just as worried about her."

"i want to know where she goes, who she's with, and what she's doing. most importantly, how she's doing."

"fine, connor. if that's what you really want, then i'll do it. but i don't think that it's right. i think you need to talk to her yourself."

"i will in due time. i appreciate you doing this for me. you know you're like a father to me, denny," i said.

he smiled as he looked at me. "i know, and you're like the son i never had."

i smiled at him as we got up from our seats and left the restaurant.

as i was driving back to the penthouse, my sister cassidy called.

"hey, cass. what's up?"

"i just wanted to talk to my big brother. we haven't heard from you in a while, and mom was starting to get worried."

"i'm fine, cassidy. please tell mom that i've been busy with the chicago purchase, and that i haven't had a chance to call her."