kiran laughed at me, at some inside joke about my questions and i ignored him. i walked to the kitchen and rummaged through the now stocked fridge. i found a dr. pepper and said a prayer of thanksgiving before opening it.

"would you get me a can of that please?" kiran asked, standing up from the table to join me in the kitchen. he leaned against the kitchen island. "what do you think about seraphina and sebastian?"

i opened the refrigerator and grabbed a can of soda for him, tossing it to him across the kitchen. "i think he's wasting his time, she doesn't like him," i answered.

"really? then what was all that about in the library?" kiran pressed.

i laughed out loud, remembering her ridiculous test to see how a boy feels about you. "nothing! believe me! seraphina has this crazy idea that you can tell how a boy feels about you by how they watch you walk away. she calls it the "walk-away-watch." it's outrageous, believe me!" i laughed again.

"what do you mean, how they watch you?" kiran didn't laugh, he grew more intense.

"like, her point was with sebastian. he didn't just watch her.... like he didn't just watch her body. he watched all of her, he got this dreamy look in his eyes and this smile on his face like, he knew a secret about her.... and then stared at her as if she were the most beautiful creature he had ever seen. that's her point. if they just think you're hot, they usually watch just one part of you. if they actually like you, they.... i don't know, they watch all of you," i clarified.

"but you don't believe in it?" he asked perceptively.

"no, but seraphina says that's because i'm oblivious....." i grumbled, feeling like a small child for whining about what seraphina thought.

"ah, i see," kiran set his drink down and stared at me for a moment.

i stood with my back leaning against the refrigerator and my soda in my hand. he walked over to me, slowly. i instinctively set my drink down on the counter just in case i needed to run. i didn't trust the consuming look in his eyes, the way he held my attention as if he were about to devour me.

he stopped just inches from me and lifted my face to look into his turquoise eyes. "eden, i don't think you're oblivious," he encouraged and for a moment i internally cheered with him on my side of the argument, but then he continued, "i think you're stubborn as hell."

i wanted to slap him, truthfully, but his eyes held mine in their deep ocean of blue and i couldn't move. he wasn't making fun of me, he really felt that way, and yet his magic pulsed heavily against mine, asking to be let free, to be joined together. i swallowed the lump in my throat and pressed a shaking hand against the cold refrigerator to steady myself. he stood there, towering over me, waiting on something. waiting on me....

i knew what he wanted. i knew what the frantic beating of his heart in rhythm to his magic wanted, what the twitch of his lips and the hungry, desperate look in his eyes begged for. i knew he stood next to me with only a thread of willpower keeping us apart, keeping his hands from reaching forward and pulling me to him. i felt how he desperately clung to his last strand of restraint, the only thing keeping his mouth from crashing against mine and sweeping me away in the passion that burned in his blood.

what i didn't know was what the twisting of my own stomach and the shallow breathing that seemed to catch in my lungs meant. because i loved another man, i loved a better man. no matter how confusing this life had become, how unclear kiran pictured our feelings for each other in his head, i still stopped loving him months ago. i still needed to avenge my grandfather and destroy the kendrick bloodline.

so why couldn't i move?

a knock at the apartment door shattered the moment and i exhaled, relieved. i moved around kiran and headed straight for the door. at the last moment i turned back to make sure it was ok to open, irrationally needing his approval, and then decided that was a huge mistake. he stood there, in the kitchen, with his eyes on me. i sucked in a sharp breath, feeling every one of his intense, fervent emotions that i refused to name. from across the kitchen he showed me how he felt, he opened himself up to me, raw and naked, and my heart slammed into my ribs knocking what little breath i had left out of me.

the world stopped spinning. time slowed, preventing us from moving anywhere from this moment. life did not exist outside of his eyes. we stood in our own universe, our own reality. some small, hidden part of me reminded me that moments like this didn't happen with just anybody, that only kiran had the ability to make entire worlds disappear and convey the depth of his soul in just one look. some small part of me reminded me that he called us star-crossed once, that he inferred even fate would try to keep us apart, that the forces of this world were working against us. some small part of me, whispered that fate should be damned and the past burned. and my mother resounded in my ear that the best loves are the ones worth working for. in that small, fleeting moment i began to question everything i built my life on....

pounding at the door snapped me back to reality, forcing my eyes from kiran's hold and toward the door where lilly and talbott waited on the other side. i composed myself quickly, straightening my clothes unnecessarily and scrunching my hair nervously with one hand. i opened the door. lilly stood on the other side; her cheeks already flamed to match her vibrant curly red hair. i took three steps and wrapped my arms around her tightly. tears sprung to my eyes and slipped out the corners and down my cheeks without permission. with someone i loved so closely, i realized how confused i felt, how utterly distraught i was becoming. she hugged me back, concerned and soothing.

talbott pushed us into the apartment and closed the door behind us. when i finally let her go, i wiped the tears quickly from my eyes and tried to smile. talbott stared at me as if i were the most unstable person he'd ever met and lilly glanced at me every other second just to be sure i didn't break down into hysterics. i didn't know what kiran thought, i couldn't bring myself to look at him. or in his general direction. i felt like a coward, and for the first time in my life i congratulated the coward for winning.

"where would you like lilly's things?" talbott asked kiran. he stood in the living room, awkwardly holding a large louis vuitton suitcase.

"in the master bedroom," i blurted out loudly. "i mean, as long as you don't mind sharing," i turned to lilly, with pleading eyes.

"i don't mind, but is it ok with you?" she turned to kiran.

"kiran doesn't get to make decisions about my bedroom," i snapped gracelessly. "i mean, what i mean is.... it doesn't matter to him, because he doesn't use that room." i struggled to sound sane again.

"it's fine, lil," kiran answered her, not me, using a nickname that rubbed against my nerves. how dare he act as if he knows her, like they're friends.

"well, now that we have permission, let's go," i spat. lilly looked at me, shocked by my snotty attitude, but all i wanted to do was get to the bedroom, close the door and forget everything about today. and yesterday. and every day before that.

"eden," kiran laughed at me. "they just got here; maybe they want to relax for a minute before you start bossing people around."

i resisted the urge to stomp my foot impatiently. i looked up at lilly and then at talbott and remembered what kiran said about bringing her here. i remembered these two had complicated feelings for each other.

"you're right, i apologized," i conceded and moved out of the way so talbott could deposit lilly's suitcase in the master bedroom.

i let kiran lead the way to the living room. lilly sat down on a couch and talbott quickly followed her. i walked back into the kitchen and grabbed my dr. pepper, offering drinks to everyone before resigning myself to the fact that i had to sit next to kiran on the couch. i sat down on the opposite end though and it still felt too close, his very presence sucking the air from my lungs.

kiran and talbott caught each other up on the situation in the castle and about the job lucan sent talbott on. sometime during the conversation talbott slipped his arm around lilly possessively, and i tried not to stare at the two of them now that they appeared to be a couple.

"so what took you guys so long to get here?" i blurted out, suddenly unable to hide my curiosity.

lilly's cheeks burned the deepest red i had ever seen them and talbott couldn't stop the smile from spreading across his face. i wanted to be very happy for my best friend. their romance seemed more impossible than kiran's and mine at one point. but something frustrated me about it at the same time. i didn't know if it was the growing exasperation with the people in this castle, who couldn't seem to remember that we were fighting a war and there were more important things than romance; or if it was because i felt like kiran was gloating next to me, as though he had orchestrated the whole thing himself.

"eden," kiran chastised, "i don't think it's any of our business."

the flare of approaching magic surged in my blood and i stood up before i said something i regretted. i walked to the door, internally feeling the approaching magic, and swung the door open before seraphina had even raised her hand to knock.

"by all means, please come in," i announced, the exasperation resounding in my tone.

"we just stopped by to welcome lilly, that's all," seraphina sighed contentedly.

i moved out of the way and seraphina walked in pulling sebastian along with her, their hands linked together affectionately. i watched them, with barely concealed shock, take a seat on the couch and sebastian put his arm around seraphina, leaning in to her and whispering some sweet nothing in her ear.

you have got to be kidding me.

"nicely done, bastion," kiran cheered. "how did you do it? how did you get her to change her mind about you?" he pressed, while seraphina beamed in sebastian's arms.

"to be honest," sebastian explained, "it was all her. she explained this walk, or something about how i watched her walk, and i.... well, i couldn't help myself...." seraphina blushed, actually blushed, from the insinuation that sebastian kissed her.

it would have been very sweet. normally, i would have been very happy for both lilly and sebastian, but then kiran whispered to sebastian, "that almost worked for me too," and the small grip i still held on sanity snapped.

"i am very happy for all of you, really i am," i almost shouted from the doorway, "but i'd like to remind you, because obviously i am the only one that remembers, we are fighting a war! a real war! and while you all are playing love connection, people are imprisoned and dying and we still live in tyranny! i know those are very easy things to forget, but in-between dates to the movies and make out sessions if you guys could remember to stand up for justice, i know, i for one, would greatly appreciate it!" i finished, feeling immature and snarky.

already committed to crazy, i stomped out of the living room and into the master bedroom where i slammed the door and then kicked the bed post. i searched the room for something to throw, possibly through a window, and fumed at the absurdity of all the couples i had to be surrounded by, while my own boyfriend couldn't step foot in the citadel without armed titans swarming him and tossing him back into prison!