the strong scent of incense perforating the room began to make my eyes water, so i made the quick decision to tell him and get it over with so i could leave. i told him everything, everything i could remember about my imprisonment and escape even kael's involvement. he took notes diligently and rarely interrupted me, except when it came to the actual experiments. he wanted specific details concerning the experiments and their results.

"well, they failed," i stated.

"how so?" cirrus asked.

"i'm not different. i can't do anything special."

"ah...," he remarked thoughtfully, "but have you tried to summon it, since your escape?"

"no, i wouldn't even know how."

cirrus got up from his desk and went over to a bookshelf and pulled down a palm-sized black orb. he brought it over to me and set it on the desk in front of me with a challenging look in his eye.

"lesson number one: there is always a cost for power. we don't poof, wave our hands and make things appear without there being a price to pay for it. lesson number two: the world is made up of energy and elements, the chair you're sitting on, the stone floor itself and even the air you breathe. if i concentrate hard enough, i can see the flow and lines of the energy in the world around me."

i stared blankly at adept cirrus. unperturbed by my reaction he went on with his lesson as if i were his student. "if i think it's a little hot in here, i could push the wind toward the window to open it." as he said this, the window opened up and let in a cool breeze. "if i thought it was too cold, i move the wind toward the fire to get it to blaze a little higher. do you get it?" this time the fire burned higher in the grate.

beginning to understand the concept of what it actually takes to do what the adepts do, i still couldn't comprehend how this lesson was going to help me.

he held his hands out palms up like a scale in front of me. "it is a delicate system of checks and balances. one can't control matter without exhausting their own energy supply. the stronger one is, the more they are able to control and do. with many of the denai gifts having been lost over the centuries, who's to say what you can and cannot do?"

his words began to sink in and i felt a chill race over me at the possibility of never being able to put the past behind me, if i didn't try once and for all to see if i had any abilities.

"now back to this orb. concentrate on it. can you see any colors around it?" not wanting to appear as if i didn't care or wasn't trying, i stared hard at the black orb and furrowed my brows in concentration. this was the first time i really wanted to succeed to prove once and for all that i did not have any powers and i wouldn't know for sure if i did it only halfway.

"this orb is denai sensitive, it responds almost willingly to a denai. all it would take is a little nudge, and because it's round it will move very easily." he waited patiently, encouraging me silently with his own will.

i kept staring at the black orb so hard my eyes began to cross until i saw double. i willed the stupid orb to move across the table. nothing. moving my hands in front of me, i flicked them at the orb as if swatting a fly. nothing.

i looked at him afraid i would see disappointment in his eyes. instead something else flickered across his face before disappearing behind a smile.

"don't feel bad, thalia. we had to be sure after all." he came around the desk and i stood up. politely he put his hand on my shoulder and led me out the door. "thank you for your help and rest assured i will find the people who did this to you. go my child, and get some rest."

i stood outside his office looking at the closed door feeling somewhat miffed. but in a way, i understood. i would have been a novelty if i had been gifted with powers. something he could study and write books about. instead fame would await whoever uncovered the leader of the septori. his time would be better spent on finding them. that encounter had been four weeks ago.

tonight i was in the kitchen bringing up apples from the cellar, when tearsa told me that they were short servers in the hall and to help bring out the food. my face paled and i swore i felt my heart stutter. there was no way i could avoid running into joss if i went out there into the dining hall. i missed him and darren something awful but i felt as if they were stations above me now. so much for that equality speech berry quoted.

gathering my courage, i grabbed the large tray of cranberry stuffed goose and used it as a barrier between my head and the students. i skimmed the outer wall and looked for the table that was missing a goose. quickly depositing it without incident, i escaped back into the kitchen and looked for a quick exit. maybe i could feign illness? as soon as i stepped inside, donn the cook handed me another tray filled with bite-sized ham and spiced cheese. i looked at the petite food in dismay. there was no way i could hide behind this, so i decided try for speed instead of stealth. i rushed out; aiming for the closest table to find they already had a spiced ham and cheese tray. quickly i moved to drop it off at the next empty table. backing up, i almost had my head taken off by another servant with a tray and had to quickly duck to avoid a collision. too late, something caused me to stumble and i fell forward into a young page carrying pitchers of cider.

i watched in horror as the world slowed and the pitchers in slow motion flew up, up and then down all over me and a few students that were unlucky enough to be close enough to me. the young page, whose name i was unable to recall, looked horrified. i could hear murmurs followed by laughter as students began to gather and applaud at the mess i had made.

a piercing laugh rang out louder than the rest and i looked up through the tresses of my now sodden black hair to see the sneering face of syrani. she was sitting precariously close to me and was oddly the only one who was not covered in cider. her friends and colleagues didn't look amused as they glared at me.

tears stung my eyes as i tried to stand up, the laughter continued as puddles of cider pooled around my feet. keeping my head low in embarrassment, i bee-lined for a hasty retreat; only to slip again and stumble into a broad chest. hands grabbed my arms to steady me. too late, i would have recognized his scent if i didn't recognize his voice. joss.

"thalia? is that you?" the shock in his voice made me panic. self-consciously i was thinking about how awful i must look at that moment with wet hair hanging down my face, my uniform stained a dark color from the cider. i knew i looked pathetic and needed to escape his piercing eyes and forthcoming pity. i tried to move away but he was still holding me by my upper arms; trying to get me to look him in the face. i kept my head turned away.

"you...you're...you're all wet!" he stuttered, looking somewhat confused as if he just noticed the cider seeping through my shirt onto his hand. or maybe he was used to seeing me like a wet mess. "you look awful!" he muttered.

those words pierced my soul like a fiery dart. that was it? that was all he had to say after weeks of not seeing me was "you look awful"? i know that i had gained a lot of the weight back i had lost, my face had filled out, but not too much and i regained soft color to my cheeks. my eyes didn't have dark circles under them and my dark hair shone in the firelight. i know for a fact that i wasn't a beauty but i was hoping for a better impression than awful.

"look what joss caught ...a rat," syrani laughed at her own joke that only she and i would get, but her clique of followers joined in laughing anyway.