joss' hands tightened on my arms angrily, whether it was in response to me or syrani's barb i didn't know.

"joss, why don't you let the kitchen rat scurry along back into the kitchen? you did promise you would help me with my history lessons after dinner," she pouted beautifully.

i looked up at joss for the first time in weeks and studied his outline up close. his jaw showed the shadow of stubble, he was tanner and a little broader in the shoulders, but other than that he was the same. except now his dimple was hidden by the clenching of his jaw. his fingers were like a vise on my arms, he still hadn't released me, and showed no signs that he planned to.

"i'll be right there," he said as he let go of one arm and pulled me away from the curious onlookers and syrani. i glanced over my shoulder at syrani's enraged face and knew that i would pay for it later. joss pulled me toward a hallway.

"joss, you have to let me go, i'm going to get in trouble." ignoring me, joss pulled me down another random hallway and as soon as we rounded the corner he stopped suddenly. i had no choice but to run into him. joss turned on me, a heated look in his eyes.

"have you been here the whole time?" he spat out. i could tell joss was furious, which surprised me.

i hung my head in shame refusing to look at him. "yes, i've been living and working here at the citadel for the past six weeks." i tried to look at a spot over his shoulder so i wouldn't look him in the eye and have him see how guilty i felt.

"and you didn't think to come see me; to tell me that you are all right? i had no clue what happened to you after you told me off. i've regretted every day walking out on you." he ran his hand through his blonde hair, messing it up. i inwardly sighed at how becoming it looked on him.

"i wanted to be there for you when you spoke with the adepts, but after what darren said and then the way you acted, i lost my temper and left. i was angry with you. i told myself you were out of my hands and that i wouldn't give you another thought. but that was a lie." he turned to me, his green eyes softening. "two days later i stormed into adept lorna's office and demanded to know what happened to you. that infuriating woman only smirked and told me that you were in good hands."

speechless, i looked at him, wondering what i meant to him. i felt a guilty thrill race through my body. but then i remembered what lorna said about what he could one day become. i remembered my station in life and dared to not even hope.

he slammed his fist into the wall. "but, darn it. don't you understand? i..i, when i pulled you out of the river you were almost dead and i kept you alive. i feel responsible for you."

my back stiffened. "so that's all i am to you? a responsibility?"

"no, that's not it."

he started to lean forward, and i was pinned between joss and the wall.

"then what is it?" i interrupted questioningly, almost dreading the answer.

"i don't know, but i..."

he didn't get to say anymore before avina rounded the corner obviously looking for someone, but stopped when she saw the way joss was leaning over me. joss looked up.

"thalia, you have to get in here now! donn is turning all shades of red because you haven't come back." avina ducked back into the kitchen and i turned to go, but stopped as joss' hand touched my shoulder. "promise me we will talk later?"

all i said was, "syrani's waiting for you." and i walked into the kitchen. i was a glutton for self-punishment, by pushing joss away. i was protecting myself. he was a student at the citadel and would one day be a great adept, i was a drowned river rat, a nobody that had no real future and no family that had stepped forward to claim me. i was scared that all joss really felt was a protectiveness over me, and i was right. he felt responsible for me and i didn't want him to.

i could take care of myself. joss deserved someone that wasn't as messed up in the head as me, someone beautiful, but not like syrani. i thought of all the girls that threw themselves in his way and became more determined to build a wall up between myself and the very handsome joss. i wouldn't hope or dream because i didn't think my heart was strong enough. and in the end, i was afraid that after everything that had happened to me that if my heart shattered, i wouldn't know how to put it back together again.

slipping into the kitchen i resumed filling trays of food and bringing them back out into the hall; no longer worried about confronting joss since i had already embarrassed myself. depositing the tray on a table, i looked around the room to see if i could see him. he was gone and so was syrani. i felt glad that he was gone, and depressed at the same time because he was with her. heading back into the kitchen i decided to take avina up on her offer to go into the city and spend some of our hard earned silver tomorrow since it was our day off. and i did promise i was going to buy berry something. i definitely wanted to spruce up our room and get some clothes that looked nothing like my blue and gray uniform. feeling a little lighter on my feet at the prospect of getting out of the kitchens, the rest of the night flew by.

chapter 7

freedom! the colors of all the districts, smells, sounds and the fact that avina and i were running around laughing was the best healing therapy that i could ask for. the smells of the baker's district made my mouth water and the chocolate pastries made my mouth melt with delight. we had decided to pool our money together and share everything we bought so we could try a wider variety of food. it was the absolute best idea, for i couldn't remember having a more relaxing day. i was laughing so hard my cheeks hurt.

after purchasing a book for myself, i was drawn to a colorful stall with small jars of scented perfume. the elderly woman was busy with another costumer so i took the chance to study the perfumes further. there were various herbs and flowers in a beautiful glass-blown bottle with a rubber stoppers for decoration. i picked up a beautiful, light blue orb that felt warm to the touch from being in the sun. unstopping the stopper, i was assailed with wonderful feeling of absolute contentment with the faint hint of vanilla and cinnamon.

once i plugged the bottle of perfume, the feeling faded. now interested more than ever, i grabbed an amber colored bottle that, once uncorked, unleashed a feeling of bubbling happiness with the scent of sunflowers on fresh wind. the perfumist was obviously a denai who was able to capture feelings within her perfumes. this amazed me about calandry, the freedom in which denai practiced their art and sold it. my fingers drifted over the tops of the other bottles in wonder.

"now that bottle right there will make you feel like you're in love," spoke a gravelly voice over my shoulder. i jumped and had to steady a few bottles that i almost knocked over.

a cackling laugh erupted from an elderly, gray haired lady whose face was covered in laugh wrinkles. her sun-lined face showed that she probably spent most of her times outdoors, and her skin had a hint of sparkles."don't worry; it doesn't make anyone fall in love with you. it just gives you a feeling as though you are in love. you wouldn't believe how many married women wish for the feeling of being young and in love again," she winked at me.

i looked at the bottle closer.

"it's my best seller. i'm a weaver. i weave feelings into my perfumes so that women can feel confident or beautiful while they wear them."